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Harley
awkward and innocent.
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 Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 7:58 pm Post subject: Falling |
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She grew up in a pretty small town
Kids and teachers getting hre down
They called her a weirdo sk8er emo punk
Her parents said it was just a phase
She struggled through the endless days
Wishing someone would hear her voice
Now she's got what she though she wanted but it ain't right
She lies awake in her bed- she can't sleep at night
She thought her dreams had come true
But she never knew
Never knew how hard love could be
CHORUS:
And it all falls down her life is crashing before her eyes
She can't even call the guy
She's too scared to speak
Her life is just the same old fight it hasn't changed at all
He can't even break her fall
The wounds are too deep
She feels like she's invisible
It's like her mind's divisible
By school and home and friends and looks and church
She gets up early to watch the sunrise
The light reflecting in her sad eyes
Wondering why it's so wrong just to be herself
'Cuz she just wants to be herself
Why can't she be herself?
CHORUS
She's falling
He's yelling
They're talking
And laughing
Calm voices
Fake smiling
Cold shoulder
It's over
CHORUS
Now she's picked it up he's left her but she's fine with that
He was a dirty rat
She sings off the pain
Her life has changed she's gone worldwide and everyone knows her name
Now she's no longer tame
She's true to herself
Now her voice is heard
Everyone knows her thoughts
They appreciate her
Now she rocks the world |
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Last edited by Harley on Mon May 23, 2005 8:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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| The first two lines were a rip-off of Clarkson. |
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"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
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Country: scotland.
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| Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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Well, considering the lines are:
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare outmy window
how 'bout no? anyway, avril lavigne wrote that song. breakaway did inspire it, i'll admit- any actual crits? |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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No, no. Not that you stole the lines - you stole the rhythm and used the same rhyme scheme, which is never good.
Actual crits? Well, I'm not a lyricist, as is evidenced by my own selfish, ambiguious poetry and delirious fiction, so no. Other than you should change the first two lines to fit the flow of the rest of the poem.
Actually (as I go back over this), it seems to be an inverse of "Breakaway." This may, or may not, be good. |
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"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
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little x soldier
Xia
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 7:32 am Post subject: |
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It reminded me directly of Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson...
And maybe Brad is right... and I think it's more on may not be good..
Well, it's not you who have written it..so nothing |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 518
Reviews: 241
Country: scotland.
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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..?
| Quote: |
| Well, it's not you who have written it..so nothing |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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The lines were a bit forced to rhyming, such as:
"Now she's picked it up he's left her but she's fine with that
He was a dirty rat "
and
"Her life has changed she's gone worldwide and everyone knows her name
Now she's no longer tame "
The first line of both of these were extremely long and disrupted the flow.
"Now her voice is heard
Everyone knows her thoughts
They appreciate her
Now she rocks the world"
This reminded me way too much of Sk8er Boi.
It reminded me of Avril Lavigne lyrics. I didn't really like the concept about it, since it was so close to Sk8er Boi. Try to get your own style instead of depending on someone else's style. You can write the same subject, just in a different way. |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 16
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Reviews: 241
Country: scotland.
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:14 am Post subject: |
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yes, this is very encouraging...
is there NOTHING good about this damn song? |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:20 am Post subject: |
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| Harley, I know criticism is often hard to take, but did you really post your song here just so people can tell you it's good? You waqnted some improvements and people are telling you them and you seem to just be rejecting them. |
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Shadow Knight
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| Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:29 am Post subject: |
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Yes, it did remind me of that song everybodies been mentioning...
But not the same, just similar. |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 518
Reviews: 241
Country: scotland.
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 26, 2005 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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i've been keeping them in mind when I've been writing my new songs- and i gotta say you guys are totally right! i like these new ones i did, though, but i need more opinions (hin hint  ) lol thanks a lot you guys xx (mods: delete this song- i'm embarassed about it) |
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