Young Writers Society - Ringing Slumber

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This thread was created on September 1, 2008

Ringing Slumber

Topic ID: 35451

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Raheel Savani
Novice

Gender: Gender:Male

Age: 20
Joined: 01 Sep 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4

300 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: Ringing Slumber

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" Ugh, she must be staying late at work and is caught up. This is so damn irritating, I always tell her to let me know if she is gonna stay late. She hasn't answered the phone a single time today since morning. If she is still mad at me, she should at least have the maturity to answer the phone and talk things out. And why the hell are all the relatives over, and why have they all surrounded me? They keep saying the same thing, like zombies. "She's dead, she's dead, she's dead." Who is dead?! Oh, they keep saying the name of a person I don't know, though the name sounds so familiar. I don't have time for this. I can understand that they are upset that someone close to them has died, but it just doesn't make any sense that they are mourning about it in my home. What's annoying me the most is that they seem to be trying to get me to mourn too. This is getting ridiculous. Now the dogs are upset too. Where is she?! Am I supposed to handle this fiasco all by myself? I can't ask them all to leave, not when they are this upset, and I sure as hell can't cook for all of them. She better have a damn good excuse to not answer her phone for so long. Wait...why is my mother crying? Mom, whats wrong? We don't know the person who died, so why are you crying?...She's busy at work mom, don't be upset at her. She is probably dealing with some last minute patients, its nothing to worry about....I just said she is at work! Stop asking about her and tell me about the...no...thats not possible. Mom stop joking like that. Mom thats not funny, you know I hate these type of jokes. MOM I SAID STOP! What the hell is wrong with all of you? She is my wife! I would damn well know if she... I'm calling her, and she is gonna pick up and put an end to this twisted game. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!"....Please pick up the phone. I know you're probably mad, but I need you to talk to me right now. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" Pick up. I really need you. Please pick up!" Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" Why are you doing this to me? please stop ignoring my calls. I need you. I love you so much, please answer the phone. I'm having a hard time breathing, I really need to talk to you. Pick up, ok sweetheart? I'm so so so sorry about our argument yesterday. I really am. Right now I just want to hear your voice. Pick up ok? Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" She isn't picking up. She never does this. She doesn't just keep ignoring my calls. No she isn't! She isn't! She can't be... I need her. I need her here, and she won't leave when i need her like this!...you know where she is?!? Take me to her now! Take me! Everything is ok, I'm being taken to my wife right now! This must be a sick twisted prank, or a terrible birthday surprise. I'll make sure to have her do the dishes for the next 6 years for scar(r)ing me like this. Hey, this isn't her hospital. She doesn't work at this one, why would she be here? Hm...maybe she got transferred here for the night then. But how to you know of her whereabouts? And whats with all these filing cabinets on the walls? She is a physician, she wouldn't be working down here! Use some common sen...there she is! She is just sleeping on that table! What a strange place to take a nap in. Come on, wake up sweetheart. She is such a deep sleeper. Why is she so pale though? She must be a little sick, which is why she is taking a nap. Wake up love. Wake up. Come on. Wake up. Ok, very funny, now wake up. OF COURSE SHE WILL WAKE UP! ONLY DEAD PEOPLE DON...wake up. wake up wake up wake up. WAKE UP! Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. WAKE UP! No, no no no no this isn't happening. You have to wake up baby, I need you. You're always here for me, why would you skip out this time? Wake up. Please? Don't do this to me. Not this. Anything but this. Please wake up my darling, please let me see your bright eyes. Please...wake..up...
Last edited by Raheel Savani on Wed Sep 03, 2008 7:48 pm; edited 3 times in total

aztoriwhitaker
Novice

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 14
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 2

300 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject:

WOW! This way a very good written story, it made me cry. I think that if you you paragraphs and make her voicemall message in italics or something it could be a little more powerful. i have always been scared of something like that happening to me. Being oblivious of something like that when people are trying to tell you something important, is terrible. Other than adding a few minor things here and there i think this is very good. I have read a lot of books and novels tht have similar parts pertaining to the sam topics, but i have to say you keep the reader on the edge of their seat. It is sad because you know what is going on but can't tell the man in the story. How did you come up with this? Well anyways good jod! I don't have time right now to go over the spelling and Grammar but later i deffinetly will!

Raheel Savani
Novice

Gender: Gender:Male

Age: 20
Joined: 01 Sep 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4

300 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject:

thank you for your input, aztoriwhitaker. I will begin working on implementing your suggestions immediately. You ask how I came up with this? I am the main character in this story. I was one day reading about the death of a local youth and I wondered to myself how I would feel if the girl I love were to die an early, unexpected death. The above work is the result of such pondering. Once again, thank you for your input! I truly appreciate it. with best regards, raheeL
_________________ Strong is he who tames his anger

Azila
October... it's Vegetarian Awareness Month!
Speaker of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 967
Reviews: 501
Country: The Valley of the Wind
300 Points

Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject:

Hi there!

I'm going to start with the grammar/spelling nitpicks, then go on to the overall stuff.

Quote:

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!". Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

Why is that period there, before the second "Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring."? Wink

Quote:

"Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!".

Eek! You did it again! There doesn't need to be a period after a quote. ^_~

Quote:

If she is still mad at me, she should atleast have the maturity to answer the phone and talk things out.

"Atleast" should be "at least."

Quote:

I don't have time for this. I can understand that they are upset that someone close to them had died, but it just doesn't make any sense that they are mourning about it in MY home. Whats annoying me the most is that they seem to be trying to get me to mourn too.

That should be "have." Keep your tenses straight. Wink

Also, "whats" should be "what's."

Quote:

Why are you doing this to me? please stop ignoring my calls.

The "p" in "please" should be capital here.

Quote:

I'm so so so sorry for our argument yesterday.

I've never heard anyone say "I'm sorry FOR..." it's always "I'm sorry ABOUT..." this might just have to do with where you live vs. where I live, but I just wanted to make sure...

Quote:

I'm so relieved that I'm smiling.

Hmm... you need to reword this. At first I thought you were saying that you're relieved about the fact that you're smiling, and that doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure how you should reword it, but think about it. Wink

Quote:

Hm..maybe she got transferred here for the night then.

Why are there two periods after "hm?" There should probably be three.

Quote:

But How to YOU know of her whereabouts?

This doesn't make any sense. First of all, "how" shouldn't be capital. Second of all, "to" should be "do."

Quote:

Use some common sen..THERE SHE IS!

Again, you need to add another period for it to be a proper ellipses.

Quote:

Please...wake..up...

And again! in between "wake" and "up" there needs to be THREE dots, not two.
_________________________________

Overall, I have to say that I thought this was very well-written. You captured the annoyance, the anger, the disbelief, the desperation... all so well in this monologue of hectic, babbling thoughts. And I thought the reaction was quite believable, as well.

That said, I'm going to now rip it to shreds. Twisted Evil

It's definitely well written, which shows that you have the basic mastery that it takes... you've got the part that's hard to learn. Now, you just need to focus on the things that are easy.

Like punctuation. I feel like you get so caught up in the emotion of the piece that you get careless and forgetful. Here's a little reminder: we critiquers on YWS are here to help you with your style/plot/etc. and NOT with your grammar. In the future, please make sure you edit your piece as thoroughly as possible. If you don't, it makes it seem like you don't care about what you're writing. And if you don't care, then how can you expect us to? ^_~
.........................

Another problem I have with this piece is that I don't like the way it looks. It may just be me, but I think it's very important for a piece not only to read well, but to look good too. It's part of the art. So:

For one thing, please repeat after me: "I will never ever overuse capitalization. I will never ever overuse capitalization. I will never ever overuse capitalization." If you want to stress a word or phrase put it in italics (like this). Yes, it may be tedious to do... but it's sooo much more professional. Using all caps to stress words is fine in IMs or even emails and critiques and stuff -- but NOT in literature. Please please please.

Another thing (and the main problem with this piece, in my opinion) is that the paragraphs are HUMONGOUS. There are only three paragraphs for the whole piece! I, personally, love little paragraphs... but even people who don't love little paragraphs would agree with me on this one, I think. See, I think that paragraphs are another way of adding stress or importance on a sentence. For example, I would suggest redoing the first part of your piece to be something like:

Quote:

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!" Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "Hi you've reached my voice mail and I am unable to answer the phone right now so leave your name and a number and I will call you back. Bye!"

Ugh, she must be staying late at work and is caught up. This is so damn irritating, I always tell her to let me know if she is gonna stay late. She hasn't answered the phone a single time today since morning. If she is still mad at me, she should at least have the maturity to answer the phone and talk things out.

And why the Hell are all the relatives over, and why have they all surrounded me? They keep saying the same thing, like zombies.

"She's dead, she's dead, she's dead."

Who is dead?! Oh, they keep saying the name of a person I don't know, though the name sounds so familiar. I don't have time for this. I can understand that they are upset that someone close to them had died, but it just doesn't make any sense that they are mourning about it in my home. What's annoying me the most is that they seem to be trying to get me to mourn too. This is getting ridiculous.

Now the dogs are upset too.

Where is she?! Am I supposed to handle this fiasco all by myself?

See, doesn't that look better? Well, I (with my one-sentence-paragraph-addiction) think it does. ^_^ You don't have to be quite so extreme as that, but I personally like it that way. Have you heard of the author Markus Zusak? He wrote a book called The Book Thief. I strongly suggest you read it. He uses paragraphs so beautifully, it's almost like poetry. Also I suggest you read a piece of mine (and I hate to say that, because it sounds so vain, but I think it actually will do you good) called Midnight. I think I use paragraphs pretty well in that one.

............................

So, I feel like you've got what it takes, but you just can't be careless. It feels like you wrote this in a hurry and didn't go back and edit it.

And please don't take my critique too harshly -- I'm not trying to offend you or anything, I'm trying to help the most I can. Very Happy

PM me if I was unclear or you have questions/comments!
~Azila~

_________________
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"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue)

This thread was created on September 1, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on September 1, 2008

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