Topic ID: 34829
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unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 12 Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 172 Reviews: 10 Country: Loneliness 200 Points
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: Shoot the Dove |
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Please read this poem,
And do take your time.
It is about us,
And about your crime.
I gave you my heart,
And it came with a reason.
You stole it and broke it,
Then left like a season.
I told you once,
And I'll tell you twice.
Your heart is black,
Love slips off the black ice.
What am I saying?
That's not a heart.
It cannot love;
I could tell from the start.
You're under penalty of law,
For playing with love.
Kill two birds with one stone,
But, first, shoot the dove.
Remember this poem;
Remember forever.
Remember when I will love again,
And that will be never. |
_________________ In the mecca of us,
we all glow forever.
-Sonny Moore
Insanity is the best form of sanilty
-Me
Last edited by unsterblichkeit36 on Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:47 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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WanaBeAuthor
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 96 Reviews: 6 Country: The one that Lets me live Free. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: Re: Shoot the Dove |
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| unsterblichkeit36 wrote: |
I gave you my heart,
And it came with a reason.
You took it and broke it,
Then left like a season.
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I think the poem is very intresting,
I prefer not to use "Took" in my writings, as it sounds funny. Maybe use Stole?
Also
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Remember this poem;
Remember forever.
Remember when I will love you,
And that will be never. |
Didn't he break your heart because you thought he loved you? Sorry just got confused on the ending when you said you would never love him. |
_________________ "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
Unknown.
Got YWS? |
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EmmaSweetie100
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Aug 2008 Posts: 204 Reviews: 56 Country: My closet 337 Points
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Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: kinda sorta |
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err.. wow.. at the begining of your poem it sounds like your begging people to read it. it doesnt give out a good message. also, in the third line, you said black twice, maybe subsitituing one of them with the word dark
XOXOXOXOXO
Emma |
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wewinwelose
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 82 Reviews: 39
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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i like it but try changing the beginning it's kinda weird.....
and when you said:
What am I saying?
That's not a heart.
It cannot love;
I could tell from the start.
i had to read it again because i didnt understand it and it didnt flow together at all |
_________________ <3 ~Keep it up! ~ <3 |
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