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Connie's YWS Fan-Fic
Connie's YWS Fan-Fic

by Conrad Rice in Fanfiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on August 20, 2008
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Shoot the Dove

Topic ID: 34829
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unsterblichkeit36   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 12
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 172
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:42 am    Post subject: Shoot the Dove Reply with quote

Please read this poem,

And do take your time.

It is about us,

And about your crime.  



I gave you my heart,

And it came with a reason.

You stole it and broke it,

Then left like a season.



I told you once,

And I'll tell you twice.

Your heart is black,

Love slips off the black ice.



What am I saying?

That's not a heart.

It cannot love;

I could tell from the start.



You're under penalty of law,

For playing with love.

Kill two birds with one stone,

But, first, shoot the dove.



Remember this poem;

Remember forever.

Remember when I will love again,

And that will be never.

_________________
In the mecca of us,
we all glow forever.
-Sonny Moore
Insanity is the best form of sanilty
-Me


Last edited by unsterblichkeit36 on Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:47 pm; edited 3 times in total
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WanaBeAuthor   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 20 Aug 2008
Posts: 96
Reviews: 6
Country: The one that Lets me live Free.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:37 am    Post subject: Re: Shoot the Dove Reply with quote

unsterblichkeit36 wrote:

I gave you my heart,
And it came with a reason.
You took it and broke it,
Then left like a season.


I think the poem is very intresting,

I prefer not to use "Took" in my writings, as it sounds funny. Maybe use Stole?

Also


Quote:

Remember this poem;

Remember forever.

Remember when I will love you,

And that will be never
.


Didn't he break your heart because you thought he loved you? Sorry just got confused on the ending when you said you would never love him.

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"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
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EmmaSweetie100   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 204
Reviews: 56
Country: My closet
337 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:03 pm    Post subject: kinda sorta Reply with quote

err.. wow.. at the begining of your poem it sounds like your begging people to read it. it doesnt give out a good message. also, in the third line, you said black twice, maybe subsitituing one of them with the word dark




XOXOXOXOXO
Confused Emma
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wewinwelose   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 14
Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 82
Reviews: 39

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i like it but try changing the beginning it's kinda weird.....
and when you said:

What am I saying?
That's not a heart.
It cannot love;
I could tell from the start.

i had to read it again because i didnt understand it and it didnt flow together at all

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This thread was created on August 20, 2008

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