Topic ID: 10746
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Bjorn
Trotsky: The Blight of Europe, Apparently
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 Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 1:22 am Post subject: The Moon |
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Some of you may know this one already, and don't worry, a new poem or two or three shall be coming soon!(Or four!...Or five even if I've the inspiration enough...Right now I consider 3/5 of them ramblings, and not proper poems...but we shall see!)
The Moon
High above he sails the sky,
A starry waste he passes by.
An opalescent globe, wrapped in an argent robe;
The Sun behind his tail, he's ever on the fly.
He braves the churning waves of Night
And chides the dark with silver light.
He rides with tattered sails, yet he never fails;
Circling the world - his journey has no end in sight. |
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Sohini
Her Meowness
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| Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:23 am Post subject: |
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| as great and enchanting as always...your poem and the moon.. |
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Bjorn
Trotsky: The Blight of Europe, Apparently
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| Posted: Sun Oct 15, 2006 6:56 am Post subject: |
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Ah, thank-you!  |
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Killing For Peace Is Like F#@%ing For Chastity
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ta-mara
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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High above he sails the sky,
A starry waste he passes by.
An opalescent globe, wrapped in an argent robe;
The Sun behind his tail, he's ever on the fly.
the last part of the last line i couldn't exactly understand for some reason,
He braves the churning waves of Night
And chides the dark with silver light.
He rides with tattered sails, yet he never fails;
Circling the world - his journey has no end in sight.
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This poem is beautiful...
It really made me think of war for some reason..
I don't even understand it...
10/10 |
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EmmaSweetie100
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Azila
October... it's Vegetarian Awareness Month!
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hi!
| Quote: |
| High above he sails the sky, |
I don't really understand this line... do you mean to say "IN the sky?" I'm not quite sure... 
| Quote: |
An opalescent globe, wrapped in an argent robe;
The Sun behind his tail, he's ever on the fly. |
I'm not exactly sure, but it seems like there isn't the right amount of syllables in these two lines... It seems like either the last line should be the same amount of syllables as the one before it, or it should be the same as the first or second line in the stanza. (did that make any sense? >.<)
| Quote: |
He braves the churning waves of Night
And chides the dark with silver light.
He rides with tattered sails, yet he never fails;
Circling the world - his journey has no end in sight. |
This stanza, overall, is much better than the first, rhythm-wise, methinks. Except it seems to me that the second two lines need two more syllables each...
Overall, I think that because you've chosen to rhyme this poem, you need to make sure that the rhythm is steady. Really pay attention to the number of syllables. Try reading it out loud, too -- I've found that really great poems are usually easy to read out loud because they have an almost melodic rhythm. In this, I'm not quite sure where the emphesis is, because I'm not sure how the poem's rhythm should sound. Get what I mean?
On the bright side, you have some lovely imagery (especially in the second stanza) and I love the majestic, mystical feel of the whole thing. It's just that right now, it feels like the rhyme is forced and awkward, because the rhythm is uneven. Sort out the rhythm, and this will be truly gorgeous.
PM me with questions/comments about my review!
Hope this helps.
~Azia~ |
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"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue) |
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i fell in love with that poem!
