Topic ID: 31271
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
kris
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 207
Reviews: 97
Country: UK
200 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: An Angel's decent |
 |
|
I drifted here from a foreign shore,
my head a wash with forgotten lore.
Rested in the ether among the stars,
took a stumble, but fell too far.
On and on, the heavens melt,
to where no god has ever dwelt.
Pilgrim's gate! whom do you open for?
not for me, i am sure.
As i asked you this,
once before. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SimplyPersnikety
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 9
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Mmm... Lovely! Nice length and good use of words. The only problem would be you forgot to capitalize the W in whom but that's very miner. All in all a very good poem. keep up the good work! I do wonder where you got the inspiration for this one? It's an interesting subject. I would have never come up with it  Very unique name and poem! It stood out to me and was the first poem I read on here. Again, great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
Aj~ |
_________________
"It is better to open your mouth and be considered a fool then to keep it closed and remove all doubt." Mark Twain~
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
400 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
It is an interesting theme, and done subtly enough to make me like it as well. But please please dot your 'I's in your work. It's like handing in a manuscript to a publisher wrote on cereal cardboard. People won't take you seriously if you don't take yourself seriously. That goes for proper structure and capitalization in this as well.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
elephantwalrus
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is very nice! The rhyme is smooth, which is always good, and it makes for a polished poem. My only suggestion would be to possibly make each line longer; though the poem is fine as is, it has a surreal imagery which would be well complimented by longer lines. The rhyme adds to the fancifulness, as well.
Even if you choose not to elongate the lines, it's a beautiful poem with a unique and interesting theme. The tone is also nice...kind of melancholy, in a way. Very well done!
~River |
_________________
You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
|
| Back to top |
|
RandomGrrl
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 86
Reviews: 45
Country: Wherever the Cheese, thus shall I follow.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
I enjoyed this so much! These lines I loved especially:
"On and on, the heavens melt,
to where no god has ever dwelt"
Tiny nitpicks:
"not for me, i am sure.
As i asked you this,"
The "n", and the "i"s really should be capitalized, but if you're taking some "poetic license", then it's no big deal.
*Clicks star*
 RG |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
RoryLegend
what the fetch
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 914
Reviews: 64
Country: England
290 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yay a good poem! I really liked this! It was well written, short (for some reason I just really really like short poems, maybe it is the fact that they are easier to read and the words don't melt together in the length.), also it was cute. I may not have understood everything that was going on, but that is kind of the point of poetry, I mean if everyone understood exactly what you were saying it wouldn't be a very good poem. Poems are meant to be analized and percieved in different ways.
I really like the line:
took a stumble, but fell too far.
I like it because I feel like i do that in life a lot, take one step that sends me spiraling in a direction I don't want to go, or puts me back in a place I don't want to be. I thought this was well written and well executed. Keep writing!
(sorry I'm a bad critiquer...) |
_________________
Youth is wasted on the young...
<3 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sportgurl46
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 253
Reviews: 60
Country: Hickville
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This poem was very greatly written! I love the story it tells! You are talented and I hope to read more of your work! I also like short poems, because they tell a story without someone sitting and reading it for ten minutes. That is exactly what you did, you told a short very important story and I liked it a lot! |
_________________
-When the Boogeyman goes to bed every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. |
|
| Back to top |
|
sday1607
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 21
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Its really nice, its really good how it's quite short but filled with imagery and meaning.
The only nitpicking is the capitalisation of some words, but like yours with mine, I can't find anything to critique 
Keep writing,
~sday |
_________________
Take that leap of faith, just don't look before you leap. |
|
| Back to top |
|
gazdemon
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 27 Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The poem was one of your best. I loved the imagery and how the rhymes worked together.
maybe it should be 'awash' instead of 'a wash', thats the only crit.
I love the line which stands alone, really separating it as a big question from the character. Interesting. |
_________________
G. |
|
| Back to top |
|
andimlovegalore
26,035
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 527
Reviews: 110
Country: England
377 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: Re: An Angel's decent |
|
|
| kris wrote: |
Rested in the ether among the stars,
took a stumble, but fell too far.
On and on, the heavens melt,
to where no god has ever dwelt.
|
These were my favourite few lines. The images in this poem were wonderful, and final question was very effective. I like this a lot. =] |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Love2act4ever
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 82
Reviews: 34
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
I thought a few of the rhymes were forced, but it had a very good flow and rhythm, but a few things should have been capitalized. I liked the theme, though it seemed kind of confusing. Use more detail to describe the place. Answer more questions with more description. Give me imagery, and vivid pictures. Also, I thought that it could be longer. You have a good start but try to add on to it and I am sure it will be a great piece of work.
Josh |
_________________
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ~William Shakespeare~
Scripts need love too!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Rascalover
When push comes to shove
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 368
Reviews: 26
Country: Nowheresville
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is at very nice lenght. It has a strange, but lovely topic. It caught my attention quite quickly, and I love it. Please capitalize your "I's", but this is just a minor detail of which should be corrected. I think it's very important to have correct capitalization and spelling! All in all I loved it and the way it was written. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
i think i can
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 29
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hmm, it was indeed a very powerful piece. particularly loved "Rested in the ether among the stars, ". use of imagery helps us to visualize the peaceful scene you are setting... you nailed it.
10/10-no lies, no faults, nothing to say but well done.
just a quick Q&Q, what does the pilgrim's gate refer to? Heavens pearly whites? does it imply that the angel is trying to go to earth... deep =0 |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
mitte
New Member
Gender:
Age: 10
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I've been reading some of your poems, and I have to say that you're kinda hit'n miss...
This though, is on the ball! I think it's great.
The pace of the piece is spot on, and the subject matter is really interesting. To me, it it literally about an angel's decent - but it's second meaning is about striving for something too great and falling flat on your face.
Great! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
