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wewinwelose
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300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: Why the Suicide |
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This is a very long poem so bear with me and if you have any tips on a name it would be greatly appreciated. I've taken the ending off of this and it might not seem as though it comes around quite right...is there anything I could use to wrap it up?
She stood in the rain
so no one would see her tears,
her scars were always hidden
as were her deepest fears.
she didn't wear a sign around her neck,
she wasn't like the rest.
there was no black,
no visible pain
no one knew the truth
that was driving her insane.
the marks that she cut
so deep into her side
were hidden by the smiles
they were so easy to hide
because no one took the time
to look her in the eye.
there was always that thought
"I can escape"
she knew her chance
was slipping away
and she knew for a fact
that she didn't want to stay
the word "suicide" rang through her head
she thought of all the paths
that would wind her up dead
she knew no one would care
she knew they never did.
they never saw the scars
that she never really hid
this is her note to the world
that never cared for her.
this is the plea for love
that she never wrote.
this is the one thing that she never had
this is hope
so next time some one says they're fine
with a deadness in their eye
then turn around
and commit suicide
dont ask why |
Last edited by wewinwelose on Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:32 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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EmmaSweetie100
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337 Points
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
Novelist
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Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 415
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Country: Fantasy... DUH
350 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: Re: (no name yet) |
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Before I say anything... CHANGE THE TITLE! Stuff like "No Name Yet" aren't going to attract people to your poem... or at least the people who are here to critique the content, not the title.
| wewinwelose wrote: |
This is a very long poem so bear with me and if you have any tips on a name it would be greatly appreciated. Also it's a first draft so it's kinda sucky right now.
She stood in the rain
so no one would see her tears
her scars were always hidden
as were her deepest fears
she didn't wear a sign around her neck
she wasn't like the rest
there was no black
no visible pain
no one knew the truth
that was driving her insane
the marks that she cut
so deep into her side
were hidden by the smiles
they were so easy to hide
because no one took the time
to look her in the eye
there was always that thought
"I can escape"
she knew her chance
was slipping away
and she knew for a fact
that she didn't want to stay
the word "suicide" rang through her head
she thought of all the ways
that she could find herself dead
she knew no one would care
she knew they never did
they never saw the scars
that she never really hid
this is her note to the world
that never cared for her
this is the plea for love
that she never wrote
this is the one thing that she never had
this is hope
so next time some one says they're fine
with a deadness in their eye
then turn around
and commit suicide
dont ask why
because i'm telling you now
you didnt show you cared
you didnt show your love
all you ever did
was push and shove
so that bullet in her head
that was your fault
it wasnt hers
she just wanted to escape
this was the only path
she could fine to get away
there are so many like her
that you cant see
so next time some one says they're fine
look them in the eye
and ask "are you really?" |
Cliche to highest point possible. No originality. Seen it, read it, saw the movie.
I'm not saying this is horrible, this is just... bleh. There is so much of this out there already. To be able to successfully write something on this subject, there has to be some kind of twist. Some kind creativeness, something that will make me say "Wow, never would've thought of that before" or "That's an interesting way of putting it" and etc.
I suggest reading this article on titles (by the wonderful Snoink): Non-Catchy Titles
And this article on emotion (by the wise Suzanne): Emotional Poetry
Try putting more life, emotion, and originality into this, and then we'll talk. |
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of the person who screwed up your day,
and give them too short of arms to scratch." |
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Aet Lindling
the Antiemo.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
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Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 736
Reviews: 140
Country: Careful, if I come into contact with an emo I'll cause annihilation!
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:51 am Post subject: |
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First off, read the articles LIF suggested. They should help.
Basically, this isn't good. There are so, so many other poems almost exactly like this, and the term for all those poems is "emo poetry". If you've ever heard the phrase used before, you should know it isn't a good thing.
This has too much whining and navel-gazing, and less describing and explaining. There are no questions answered, no development, just someone talking about broken hearts and suicide and life sucking so much omg i sad  and cutting. While this fools the untrained eye into thinking it's amazingly deep and lovely and yay, it's really just fluff. I would honestly suggest scrapping this and writing something better.
Before I end this critique, I'll pose a few rebuttals to arguments writers sometimes throw at me for why my critiques of their emo poetry don't count, so that if you're planning on saying anything like this you won't need to bother.
"You're just traumatized by my poetry, it's too dark for you." Nope. I love stories about dark stuff, and death, suicide even, as long as it isn't overdone and flat and boring for a cheesy effect.
"It's a first draft." I realize that, but you'd have to edit this in a way that could turn a 1 page short story that goes like this: "I am a spider. I crawl around and make a web. I see a pig. Hi pig!" into Charlotte's Web, for this to work out as poetry that isn't emo.
"You're being too mean." I'm being a little sarcastic and mean-hearted, yeah, but that doesn't mean everything I'm saying isn't true, does it?
Finally, I just realized how appropriate your title is. Yeah, why the suicide? It's kind of pointless.
Sorry again, but this is far too cliched and navel-gazing to get anywhere. You can pm me with hate if you like. 
~Aet |
_________________
"His skin literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare."
'Nuff said, amirite? |
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Dark Star
Writer
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Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: Re: Why the Suicide |
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alright. this poem was deep and dark. it was good but you want to make it GREAT. so first of all... P-U-N-C-T-U-A-T-I-O-N!!!! this is so vital. i cant emphisize it enough. if you dont put your punctuation then it sounds like you took a deep breath and just tried to fill the page with empty words. i started recommending punctuation but i wont do it for the whole poem, but just try to see where the brakes should be. you also did alot of repeating and unessesay "blabber". its more poweful if you say it once. repitition is good but can only but done in small amount and within reason. and i would STRONGLY recommend that you broke down this poem into stanzas!! it would make it a lot better and more powerful.
| wewinwelose wrote: |
"""'She stood in the rain
so no one would see her tears (comma)
her scars were always hidden
as were her deepest fears (periode) (i like this first part, it was a good intro with feeling)
she didn't wear a sign around her neck (comma)
she wasn't like the rest (periode)
there was no black """(comma)
no visible pain
right in here↓↓↓ it gets choppy
no one knew the truth
that was driving her insane (periode)
the marks that she cut
so deep into her side
were hidden by the smiles
they were so easy to hide (periode)
""""because no one took the time
to look her in the eye
there was always that thought
"I can escape"
she knew her chance
was slipping away
and she knew for a fact
that she didn't want to stay""""
this part of the poem is all over and really needs some work. it would good but without punctuation the message is confusing and hard to grasp. NOTE: if you make the reader think to hard they WILL lose interest.
the word "suicide" rang through her head
she thought of all the ways (need to be reworked so to fit with the rest. too ????)
that she could find herself dead
she knew no one would care
she knew they never did (periode)
they never saw the scars
that she never really hid (at the top you say that "the scars" were always hidden. confusion!!)
"""""this is her note to the world
that never cared for her (Punctuation)
this is the plea for love
that she never wrote (puctuation)
this is the one thing that she never had
this is hope"""""
first...too many "this is". this part has potential to be good. use different words. also i would recommend that you made this a seperate stanza. it would be a lot more powerful on its own.
so next time some one says they're fine
with a deadness in their eye
then turn around
and commit suicide
dont ask why
lame with no emotion. i dont feel anything when i read this.
""""because i'm telling you now
you didnt show you cared
you didnt show your love
all you ever did
was push and shove
so that bullet in her head"""" (get rid of the word "so".)
lacks emotion and a little repetitive from the top. need re-wording.
"""""that was your fault
it wasnt hers
she just wanted to escape
this was the only path
she could fine to get away
there are so many like her
that you cant see""""
choppy and boring. to many words saying the same thing. make "me" feel guilty, feel "her" pain.
so next time some one says they're fine
look them in the eye
and ask "are you really?"
this ending is "iffy", however, i would leave it. if you stregthen the rest of the poem this ending will come off as very powerful.
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i hope that this will help you get on your way to making this a great peice! put emotion into your words and make us (the readers) feel what it is you are feeling. remembe your punctuation, and try braking it up into stanzas. for a poem this long it would make it all the more powerful. good luck and hope to be seeing your re-write soon. if you have any questions or just want a little advice or just to talk...PM me!!! GOOD LUCK!!! |
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Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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| this was a lot better and much stronger. there is still some punctuation missing that is important, without it some you you lines are like run ons. but other then that i would say that tis is a deffinat improvment.i really enjoyed it the second time round. very well done!! keep up the good work (punctuation is the key!! ) best of luck in the future. |
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where did you get such inspiration?
