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Words With Which We Say, Goodbye -Edited-
Words With Which We Say, Goodbye -Edited-

by JC in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on August 5, 2008
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All That's Left Of Him

Topic ID: 34002
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Flemzo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 5:42 am    Post subject: All That's Left Of Him Reply with quote

[NOTE: just an experiment. i played some dark classical music (who knew Chopin could set a dark mood?), and let my mind run wild. also, any crits i receive here, i will reciprocate with a piece of your choice that you PM me. And now... All That's Left Of Him.]

“Is this all that's left of him?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Not much left to work with, is there?”

“Sadly, no.”

“So, where do we begin?”

“Well, we can tell you this much: he started off in the kitchen.”

“Then what happened?”

“He heard a noise coming from the living room, and went to investigate. There he saw a man, probably about eight feet tall, and he froze in his spot.”

“That’s when it happened?”

“Sadly, yes.”

“So, he sees the eight foot tall man, and he freezes. The man, seeing an opportunity, raises his knife, and makes a clean sweep through his throat.”

“Exactly.”

“Then what?”

“Then, out of fear, he runs around his house, spraying blood everywhere: all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling. The man, seeing that his victim isn’t dead, starts attacking him again. He sliced through his stomach, spilling out his intestines, and even going so far as to collect a portion of it for later use.”

“What later use?”

“Knowing this psycho, it’s probably supper.”

“Seems reasonable.”

“You’d think so. So having been effectively disemboweled, he died right here.”

“If he was only disemboweled, why are there missing limbs?”

“Oh yes, seems the eight foot tall man needed a snack of some sort, so he gnawed off the limbs.”

“Just like that?”

“Sadly, yes.”

“So then what happened?”

“Well, it turned out the man didn’t die yet, so he thrashed for a while. That’s when the man took the chair and smashed his head in.”

“All the way in?”

“Far enough in where he could gather pieces of brain.”

“For what?”

“Breakfast the next morning.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

“You’d think so. The man then started to leave, but oddly enough, he felt a tinge of remorse.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, something along the lines of how he knew what he did was wrong, but for some reason, felt the need to do it.”

“Did he ignore this feeling?”

“No, of course not! He went back into the house, grabbed some notebook paper, and wrote a note to the family.”

“A note? What did it say?”

“It said:

Dear family,

I’m dreadfully sorry that I had to do this, but it seemed like the right thing at the time. I hope you can understand my reasoning for it. It seemed like I had to do it, for the sake of your safety, and for the sake of the world. While I’m sure he had some admirable qualities, deep down, he was a disgusting fellow, and by letting him live, I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a human being of protecting my fellow man. Again, sorry about his death, and I cleaned up the best I could.

PS: Don’t worry, I tried to keep it as quick and clean as possible.”

“That’s terrible.”

“He knew that. That’s why he crumpled up the paper and threw it away.”

“Wouldn’t the family find it?”

“He thought of that, too. He took the paper, and burned it, letting the ashes fall on top of the body.”

“I wondered what that was.”

“Now you know.”

“Well, I believe everything is settled now.”

“Yeah, I think we should let the police take care of it now.”

After walking a while: “Y’know, Ed, it really creeps me out sometimes when you talk in third person.”


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 6:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The whole time through i was thinking why arent these people more freaked out by this? Then at the end i went "OOOOOOOOOOOH!!!" haha, nice work there. Very dark, and it kept bringing up Hannibal Lector (sp?) in my mind. Maybe could include more detail about the fight, like what he died from (blood loss, an organ failure, etc.) Overall, i liked it.


Last edited by kevinxd18 on Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:48 pm    Post subject: Awww Reply with quote

This was beautifully controlled and artistic.

The constant dialogue made it gripping and mysterious.

I loved it all, it really made me cry, for some reason or the other.

This really touched me, emotionally.

Loved it, loved it, loved it.

--Sarah

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Flem!

Quote:
“You’d think so. So having been effectively disemboweled, he died right here.”


Quote:
why are there missing limbs?”
Change to: why are the limbs missing?

If I understood the ending properly, which I think I did, that was pretty funny. It's funny, but briefly and barely. Of course I know it was just stream-of-consciousness writing ("free" writing) so it's obviously going to be a bit scattered and so forth. I think if you want to make something out of it, turn it into a script and try to add more of a plot/conflict to the actual beginning. The "No, Sadly" "Yes, Sadly" wasn't as funny as you might have planned it to be.

You might want to give it more of an original kick. Very Happy I hope this helps, or something? I will be PMing to a link, heehee.

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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*blinks*

This was so freaky and all the while, I was wondering how this one guy knew everything in such great detail (like, about the note and the fact that the killer was eight feel tall). Then the end twist came and I was totally blown away with creepiness. And the fact that the thing that creeps the other guy out is Ed's way of speaking in the third person and not what he did was extremely scary.

The "Yes, sadly", and "Sounds reasonable" were a little odd. They weren't exactly funny. They gave the impression more of bored interest and gave it an even more creepy quality: that they could be looking at this scene of utter gore and be so nonchalant.

Very nice. I should try this free-writing thing you speak of. Though I think I would try with slightly happier music. Wink

*thumbs up* Great stuff. Keep it up.

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this was great, honestly. creeped me out.
i think its really great how you can capture human emotion without any description at all. thats a gift and i wish i could do it as well as you can.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well Flem that was a bit scary and funny at the same time. You know that little nervous laugh that you make when you don't know whether to through up or drop to the floor and roll around a bit in pure madness? Well I do because this was a piece that struck me to the core and it was um...intense. I mean usually stories like these are taken over the top but this was perfect and the ending was...clean. I liked it,
Keep Writing,
Angel

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! I'm Thriller! How are you?

I thought this was very, very good. I love the whole 'only dialog' thing. It makes everything a much smoother and quicker read. As the many others have stated, the "yes, sadly's and the 'no, sadly's don't quite fit.

... Man, I'm finding this hard to critique...

In the beginning, I was thinking that one of the two people that were talking was the one that killed the man. Because he knew every move that the cannibal took. (Which reminds me of Hannibal Lector, as someone said up there). Anyway.

I didn't understand the ending. I wish I did. I keep reading that line over and over, but I don't understand it.

Good job, Flemzo!
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahahaha... this was slightly disturbing but for the most part, extremely entertaining. I agree with my fellow YWS members that yes some grammar and wording could be tweaked a little, but for the most part it was a-bomb. Good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice!! I loved it, and even though I didn't think I was quite in the mood for gore and blood etc, I found it highly entertaining. The almost bored tone to the conversation was what made it funny, and also what made it easy and interesting to read. You've kept your readers wondering how they knew all of the details until the very end, and what a great punchline!!! that was brilliant, I'm almost tempted to say a stroke of pure genius, but I'm afraid my standards are a bit higher for such praise.
Overall it was extremely gripping, and although some of the others have said that the whole "sounds reasonable", and "yes, sadly" were a bit odd and boring, as I said earlier they add to the whole affect, and make the last line mean so much more, as well as giving us some sort of insight to the charactors as well. Your very good to be able to create fully fleshed out charactors with one sentance. The building happens throughout the story, but until the end they seem quite flat, which I love. It makes them feel set apart from the scene and makes the final revelation all the more thrilling.

I don't really have anything that I can criticize, and the grammar seems okay for deranged cannabalistic killers, although granted their may be a couple fo things that soem don't like. But I am difinitely giving you a well deserved star.

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