Topic ID: 2961
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bulletproof
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 Posted: Thu May 19, 2005 10:19 pm Post subject: Their is a ghost on my back |
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There is a ghost on my back following me watching my every move forceing me to rember my wors memories.
Lights on
They walk in
She falls to her knees
She says she is sorry
The confusion builds up
And changes into frustration
Behind the stage in the darkness
I creep around untill I here voices
I hear "he dumped me coltons going to be mad if he finds out"
I run into an enclosed room and a girl comes up
I didn't know, you could have asked for my help
Then comes liz tears from her eyes
Im sorry which I reply with "we will talk later"
I rush past her and join the rest of the cast
Do I blame myself? I don't know so I continue the play
We constantly get in fights I blame my self more and more
Untill all the hatered builds up and a ghost forms on my back
It watches me it sees me untill I had enough
I take the gun say my prayers and pull the trigger
It might be weakness and it shows im certainly not bulletproof. |
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ohhewwo
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| Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 12:13 am Post subject: |
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Okay, the poem was good, it just didn't flow well.
I think you should break some of the lines up. They're all really uneven.
Like,
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| It watches me it sees me untill I had enough |
That could be "It watches me/it sees me until I had enough."
There are a few typos and grammatical errors, too.
But overall, this is a good piece. Nice job. |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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Liz
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 6:21 am Post subject: |
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| Okay...but yeah, you might want to break some lines up. It was painful for me to read, the way it was set up. You also might want to check over the grammar, it helps a lot. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 6:48 am Post subject: |
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Definitely need to break some lines up, add punctuation, check spelling, etc. Your closing line was quite good, and showed a lot of potential.
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I take the gun say my prayers and pull the trigger
It might be weakness and it shows im certainly not bulletproof. |
I take the gun
Say my prayers
And I pull the trigger
It might be selfish weakness
But it shows I'm certainly not bulletproof.
Something like that, but tweak it a bit, there's got to be a better way to say it. But good job. |
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bulletproof
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| Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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| it was supposed to be in narritine not lyrics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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