Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Whenever
Whenever

by Teddybear22 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Heart Stabbed Blade Ch 1: Her
Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 1: Her (edit)
Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 2: toji talks a lot (edit)
Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 3: The First Sin Part 1

Heart Stabbed Blade ch. 2 Toji Talks a Lot

Topic ID: 34878
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
romance otaku   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 213
Reviews: 15
Country: i live in The World
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:09 am    Post subject: Heart Stabbed Blade ch. 2 Toji Talks a Lot Reply with quote

Please read chapter 1 before chapter 2

heart stabbed blade chapter 1 link: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic34433.html

Chapter 2: Toji Talks a lot

School was very slow and long that day. I was relieved when the bell finally rang. I was about to head out the door, when Rena came over to me.

“Want to do something today? I’m free.” She asked.

“Actually, I have something I need to do. But it shouldn’t take long, so I’ll call you after if its ok with you.” I replied.

“Ok, see you later.” You could tell she was a bit disappointed, but a bit more surprised than disappointed; I don’t usually have anything to do after school.

“ ‘Kay, see ya.”

After we parted ways I went to a school vending machine, bought myself a drink, then headed to the roof. When I got up, Toji was already there.

“Took you long enough,” he said, a bit mad.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“Well, anyway, lets get down to business,” he said with a bit more seriousness than usual. “So you have absolutely no clue what’s happening?”

“Nope,” I said, with an innocent grin on my face.

“Okay,” he sighed, “do you want the long version or the short one?”

I thought for a second.

“Long,” I decided. I wanted to make sure I knew what was going on.

“‘Kay then. There is this invisible substance called gii that some humans can manipulate. There are many different types of ‘manipulators’, but the most common are forgers, magies, and cremies. With me so far?”

I nodded. It sounded simple enough, but I couldn’t be more wrong.

“Good. Forgers turn the gii into metal weapons to use, and since the gii is in the air, their guns have unlimited ammo, swords can repair themselves, etc. They also can absorb the gii to make themselves stronger than normal humans, and can also use the gii to heal themselves. The second group, magies can manipulate the gii to move things and use the gii atoms to “possess” other atoms that are weaker. They are really bad at absorbing gii, though. The last group, cremies change the gii into a colored goo (the color depending on the manipulator), which adds onto the manipulators body. They can also absorb gii like forgers.”

By that time, my jaw was dropped and the look on my face probably looked like a total idiot. Its not that I didn’t believe him, it’s the way he was saying everything, like I should know all this already and that he was forced to tutor me. And that fact that he said all this in one breath kinda amazed me too.

“Oh yeah. I forgot to say that all groups have their abilities etched into their DNA. In other words if a forger can make a sword, that’s all he will be able to make, but he can still make it sharper or make its composition harder. Same with body add-ons for a cremi. And if a magi is good at possessing water, but bad at possessing fire, he’ll likely stay that way, but he could still get better in both areas.”

“But that still doesn’t explain the huge force-field-thingy,” I said, still not having a correct name for it.

“Sorry, I forgot that” he replied. “You see, there are hundreds of these temples throughout the world. Most of them are hidden underground, or have buildings added on to them, like many of the old churches, so they are hard to find. Right now, there is a rogue clan that is trying to take control of as many temples as possible. There is one below our school. What you saw was what happens when a clan tries to force control of a temple from another clan. Many of the weaker humans within the temples property faint – or even may die – during a shift. I took out that other guy’s partner before he could complete the process.”

“Why did they pick our school’s temple?” I asked, still not getting anything at all.

“Well, my clan is small in number, so if they could take it, it would be very hard for us to get it back.”

“Why is that?” I know it was a stupid question, but only two came last time. Why would it be hard to beat two people? Then again, look who’s talking.

“When a clan gets a hold of a temple, all people without pacts with the clan that owns it are affected. You said you had a headache, right?”

I nodded.

“That’s probably since you are not part of a clan, and our temple was trying to reject the invader. I guess you could say you got some of the shock.”

“If it’s your temple, why wasn’t I affected before?”

“Since this is a school, its kinda not a good idea to make it affect everyone, since it may affect some students, like in your case.”

“Oh, okay.” Pretending I understood what he was saying.

“Anyway, both of the guys disappeared, so they may try again” he warned.

“Ok, thanks for the advice. Talk to you later.”

“ Kay, see ya.”

____________________________________________________________________________

When I got home I decided to call Rena and tell her about the conversation I had with Toji. She came over a few hours later.

When I finally finished, and looked up from the table that I was staring at half the time, I found Rena was looking at me like I was crazy, mouth open and everything.

“Okay”, I said, still looking at her, “ you don’t have to give me that look.”

“Are you sure he said it in one breath?” Rena said, staying on the subject, “it could have just been your imagination.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

Then we both cracked up. Neither of us were really good at being serious, especially when it was just the two of us.

“What now?” Rena said when our laughing fit was over.

“What do you mean?” I asked, wondering what she was referring to.

“Well, lets see. Toji’s crazy, our school is under attack, and you’re some kind of monster. There’s not much to decide upon.”

To anyone else, I would of probably flipped out, but this was Rena I was dealing with. I knew she was just joking around. But still, I hung my head anyway.

“Monster…” I said, in a child’s complaining tone, with my head still hung low.

“That reminds me,” Rena said, ignoring me.

“What does?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just remembered something.”

“Okay, then why did you say something reminded you?”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“It is?”

“Yes it is. Well, not always…” You could tell she was going to continue, but by then she realized that I was just playing with her.

After a few minutes of silence, I decided that I sill wanted to know what she remembered.

“Anyway,” I said, “what did you remember.”

“Well,” Rena started to slowly move her gaze downward, “I was wondering if it happened again.”

“If what happened again?” I asked.

“Umm… the wings and tail…” she looked liked she didn’t like to talk about it, so why was she bringing it up?

“No, it didn’t, but I haven’t tried.” I interrupted.

“Oh…” Rena said. She didn’t seem disappointed, nor did she seem like she was relieved.

“But why don’t I?” I was bored, and it may benefit me in the future. Well, at least that was how I reasoned it.

Surprisingly, it didn’t seem that Rena was going to object. The idea also didn’t seem to disturb her in any way.

“Are sure about this?” she asked.

“Sure? Not at all,” I replied, smiling at the thought of being sure of something.

Then I closed my eyes and imaged myself the way Rena described to me. Two seconds later I opened my eyes, and then I tripped and fell of my face. When I looked up, I saw Rena standing above me, looking down.

“Are you ok?” She asked hurriedly.

‘Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered as I stood back up.

“Guess you have to work on that,” she said, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Work on what?” I questioned.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer, and started laughing. Then she pointed behind me.

When I turned around to see what she was laughing at. I found that my tail had come out, along with my wings, which were folded along my back. At first I stared at it, still wondering why Rena was laughing. It took me a few seconds to put two and two together.

I had tripped over my tail. You bet I needed to work on that.

“Now that was embarrassing,” I said sarcastically, smiling a bit.

Rena returned my smile.

“Umm…how do you feel?” she asked, a bit shyly.

“Not bad,” I replied. Actually, I felt great. I unconsciously swished my tail in the air. It was much longer than I thought it would be.

There was awkward silence for a bit, which I decided to break.

“You thirsty?” I asked.

“Yeah, just water’s fine,” she replied.

I started to walk over to the refrigerator, but I tripped over my tail, and landed flat on my face, again.

“I’m okay!” I announced. Then I got up.

The rest of that night was spent trying not to trip over my tail again and joking around with Rena. Late at night, after Rena had left, I walked up the stairs to one of my bathrooms to brush my teeth. When I stepped in and looked at myself in the, mirror, I was surprised to find that I still had my tail and wings out. I had left them out all night!

Then I had a weird thought; why hadn’t Rena mentioned this?? But then again, I was sleepy, so I wasn’t able to think straight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

thank you all for reading my story. sorry it took me so long to type this. i had totatally rewrite the scene with takato and rena due to too much romance too early in the story. andyway, i guess with this chapter i tried to lay some ground rules on the fantasy part of the story, so i could go more in depth with the romance part.

again, thank you all ^_^

-otaku


_________________
need a review? join the reviews for reviews group - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=247

my book's website: http://hsb.forumsland.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
Fake a smile and walk away.
Speaker of the Forum

122
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 870
Reviews: 122
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
313 Points

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Otaku. Here as requested.

Quote:
I was about to head out the door, when Rena came over to me.
No comma there because there doesn't need to be a pause there.

Quote:
so I’ll call you after if its ok with you.”
Okay

Quote:
“Ok, see you later.”
Okay

Quote:
When I got up, Toji was already there.
When I got up there, Toji was already there.

Quote:
The second group, magies can
The second group, magies, can

Quote:
Its not that I didn’t believe him, it’s the way he was saying everything, like I should know all this already and
It's

Quote:
“Sorry, I forgot that”
Comma after That.

Quote:
“Anyway, both of the guys disappeared, so they may try again”
Period after Again.

Quote:
When I got home I decided to call Rena and tell her about the conversation I had with Toji. She came over a few hours later.


When I finally finished, and looked up from the table that I was staring at half the time, I found Rena was looking at me like I was crazy, mouth open and everything.
First you say that you're going to CALL her and tell her what happens but you invite her over and THEN tell her what happens. Try something like this for the first sentence:

When I got home, I decided to call Rena and invite her over so I could tell her about my conversation with Toji.

Quote:
After a few minutes of silence, I decided that I sill wanted to know what she remembered.
Still

Quote:
“what did you remember.”
Since it's a question, there should be a question mark at the end instead of a period.

Quote:
Then I had a weird thought; why hadn’t Rena mentioned this??
Only one question mark; there's no point for two. She already mentioned it earlier so there wasn't a point to mention it again.

Quote:
But then again,
But,then again,

Suggestions/Overall Comments

Still some cheesy factor, I hate to say it. The whole tail-thing is the biggest cheesy factor.
I have no complaints about the characters and I thought the plot was okay. An interesting idea, in any case. You don't have to tell us everything at once like that, though, because it's more fun (in my opinion), if the character figures it out while things are happening. The only thing we don't know is why he has a tail.
Look over the story for any typos before you post it.

I hope I helped and PM me for anything at all. Smile

-alwaysawriter

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
romance otaku   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 213
Reviews: 15
Country: i live in The World
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for your review. its much very hard to keep the cheesy factor down, but im still working on it, so i may be able turn it down more.

edit after fully reading your review: i am an EXTREAMLY bad typer and speller. to tell your the truth, i just learned to type a year ago, because my old school put me through typing "lessons", which were more like "hit be buttons or die". because of that, i had always stayed away from typing, untill i got my PC.

anyway, i was kinda going for the tailthing to be the biggest cheesy factor, but i still need to edit it more.

_________________
need a review? join the reviews for reviews group - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=247

my book's website: http://hsb.forumsland.com/


Last edited by romance otaku on Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
Fake a smile and walk away.
Speaker of the Forum

122
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 870
Reviews: 122
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
313 Points

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem; I'm glad to help. Smile

_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Daft Vader UK   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

7
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 24
Reviews: 7
Country: The UK (England)
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mmmm cheesy sandwhich ... I like the way toji is explaining everything on the rooftops, its seems like you thought the storyline though alot. But another thing your taking us through this way to fast, you need to describe more about your surroundings, maybe use a similie. But a fast paced book is always a good thing too, no one likes a boring slowpaced. Very Happy Anyway I'm outta time- going away for the weekend. And thanks for adding me to your friends. Very Happy Cya!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
romance otaku   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 213
Reviews: 15
Country: i live in The World
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok, i wiill. i am planning on re-editing today and re-writing monday

_________________
need a review? join the reviews for reviews group - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=247

my book's website: http://hsb.forumsland.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

79
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I still like your story. I think that it is great and you should leave it as It was in the beginning.

_________________
Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
romance otaku   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

15
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 213
Reviews: 15
Country: i live in The World
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you may want to check out the edited version of this

_________________
need a review? join the reviews for reviews group - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=247

my book's website: http://hsb.forumsland.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on August 21, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on August 21, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society