Topic ID: 30402
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 478
Reviews: 112
Country: Peru.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: Don't Act All Hurt/Don't Be Silly |
 |
|
You're moaning like you're really hurting,
your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,
we both know that's a lie!
You've conned your way into jobs,
into relationships, and my thoughts,
my friend, you are not kind!
We met in a boulevard,
I was drunk and you had a car,
You drove me home that night!
Next time we talked was in September,
our kiss you did not remember,
I felt like such a fool!
Gonna write you a song,
gonna call you at dawn,
gonna consider that I'm wrong
or
most likely I'll just go and head on home!
Baby, you try to justify,
to moralize, to idealize,
you know that can’t be done!
I was hungry and you were there,
you were hungry and I was there,
that’s just the way things go!
You think that makes you a whore,
worse, now you come for more,
honey, it's alright!
You don't have to hold my hand,
and by my side you don't have to stand,
But, OK, I'll play along!
Gonna buy you a ring,
gonna dance around and sing,
and it won't mean a thing
or
most likely I'll just go ahead and leave! |
_________________
All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked how you gave the reader different choices. Very unique. The imaginary was good, and best of all, you fit the rhyming in perfectly. All in all, lovely, funny, and one of a kind! |
_________________
Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 977
Reviews: 361
Country: India
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
First of all the work is kind of perfect to be in the lyrics.
Things I liked:
1.The rythm worked really too nicely,I'm not that good like you seriously at rythm like this.
2.The begining is good and the ending is even better.
3.The most intresting part:
| Quote: |
Gonna buy you a ring,
gonna dance around and sing,
and it won't mean a thing
or
most likely I'll just go ahead and leave! |
Only crit would be some chorus can work well.
Keep posting!
Well done!
~Shine~ |
_________________
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
400 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ah- the great poet from earlier! Well, well, well, on a creative up at moment?
This was quite good, not mind blowing or very serious, but it was quite realistic of certain situations around love. The speaker confused me though, past the point of irony as well.
| Quote: |
You're moaning like you're really hurting,
your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,
we both know that's a lie! |
And later on...
| Quote: |
You think that makes you a whore,
worse, now you come for more,
honey, it's alright! |
I understood this, but the speaker just goes up and down too much for me to get any real feeling from him anymore. Other than that, I liked it. Not loved, but liked.
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear xx |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
aestar101
No Soup for You!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 688
Reviews: 130
Country: atop a cloud
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked this poem. I loved how you expressed the feelings of being played out. I loved the feeling you put into it. There is nothing else to say. What really makes it interesting it when you did the "or" thing. I liked the feel of it. You write really good poems. Overall well done. I wished I could write more, but this is all I could write. |
_________________
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Love2act4ever
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 82
Reviews: 34
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Well done. I felt the rhyming fit, and I didn't think it was too forced at all. I really liked this line,
| Quote: |
Baby, you try to justify,
to moralize, to idealize,
you know that can’t be done! |
It made me smile for some reason. I really enjoyed reading this. It seemed very modern, and some poetry seems like it came out of an old book, but seems like it was written by somebody, which gives it personality, which is good.
Well done.
Josh |
_________________
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ~William Shakespeare~
Scripts need love too!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
dommy65
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 May 2008
Posts: 137
Reviews: 57
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked this, the rhythm was great and it seemed like it could be the lyrics of a song. Kind of Bob Dylanesque if you will. It was really unique, and was put forward in a way that made the reader think you cared but didn't... I'm not sure if that made any sense but still...
| Quote: |
Baby, you try to justify,
to moralize, to idealize,
you know that can't be done!
|
Love that line so much!
~Domenique |
_________________
I said your eyes, they say nothing
So you can't stop me
On summer days like these
I said words they mean nothing
So you can't hurt me |
|
| Back to top |
|
clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 100
Reviews: 34
448 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That would make an amazing song!
-You're moaning like you're really hurting,
your tiny heart, you say, it's breaking,
we both know that's a lie!-
great lyrics! I love your style! there's no real forced rhyming and everything flows smoothly. good job! |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
|
| Back to top |
|
CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 346
Reviews: 219
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this, but there were a few things that bugged me.
1) All the exclamation points! Half of them are unneeded and just look silly!
2)I ryhmed, then it didn't, there was a rythmn, then it changed. Some verses are repetitive (the first two lines of verse 8 end in there). None of this poem is consistent. The voice, too, changes, first berating the (I'm presuming on gender) girl, then goes back and almost seems to reconsider.
If you make this flow better, it will be really good. |
_________________
And when the moment came that the Gods went too far, she would be there--and she would tear them all down. |
|
| Back to top |
|
x-Butterfly-kisses-x
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I thought your poem had real potention. I liked it  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
