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The Adventure and Woes of Gregory Smit
The Adventure and Woes of Gregory Smit

by The Cheshire Cat in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 30, 2008
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Possible Related Items Follow:
A Star and an Owl - Chap. 1 (Edited)
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An Apple and a Graveyard - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 4
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 5
Violet - Chap. 2
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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 8
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9
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My Lady Greensleeves - Chap. 1, Part 1
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 11

Violet - Chap. 1

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:04 pm    Post subject: Violet - Chap. 1 Reply with quote

Again, for those of you who follow my work, I know. I shouldn't be starting something new, especially when I have four other stories to keep up with, but I couldn't resist. If I didn't write it, then I would forget about it and the fresh ideas blooming in my head. So bear with me. I won't give up on the others Smile

Chapter One

There was something wrong. The Sisters kept fidgeting during the Silent Listening hour—something that never happened. And if it did, the Elders would usually correct it quickly. They didn’t move now. They sat, unblinking, in their stone chairs at the front of the room.

Sera frowned, and again looked at the women—Sisters—on the floor around her. Many of them were sitting upright, with eyes wide open. Others were bowed low as they were supposed to be, but toyed with their robe belts. Sera looked at her best friend, and mouthed her name. Ionia wouldn’t look at her, even when Sera tapped her knee against Ionia’s to gain her attention.

Movement distracted the young girl, and she directed her gaze forward. Rinnane stood before them, in the front of the circular room. Her feet rested atop the small, carved platform that had been there since Sera could remember. Now all the Sisters sat up, and their attention was riveted on Rinnane. The Elder had her face turned away, but Sera could tell she was speaking by the movement of her jaw.

Sera again tapped Ionia, this time with less discretion. Her friend sighed, glaring at Sera impatiently. This surprised Sera; Ionia was never irritated with her.

What is she saying? Sera asked, moving her hands by her knees so the Elders wouldn’t see.

Ionia shook her head. I need to pay attention, she told Sera crossly, her hand movements strangely jerky and short.

Hurt, Sera didn’t persist. But she hated not knowing what was happening. It was clearly something important. Silent Listening was never interrupted.

Sera sat back, craning her head to the side in attempt to see the Elder’s mouth. But it was as if Rinnane didn’t want Sera to see, for she kept her head carefully turned away. Sera pursed her lips, but forced herself not to tap Ionia again. Instead, she studied the faces of the Sisters, hoping to gain some sort of idea of what had them so upset.

Every pair of eyes was alert, and many hands were clenched into fists. The strain in the air was obvious, and Sera was shocked to discover that there was also fear there. This confused her. What could possible frighten the Sisters, or the Elders? They were all safe, in the underground burial ground that the Women of the Oracle had taken sanctuary in.

Ionia took pity of Sera, having glanced over and seen her bewilderment. There are men trying to enter the Burial Ground.

Sera’s fair brow furrowed. Why is everyone frightened? Men have come in before. Even your father—

It is different this time, Ionia interrupted. These men do not want to leave daughters for the Oracle. These men want to take us.

Take us where?

Ionia again lost her patience. Just be silent, Sera.

Sera drew back in pain. Ionia saw the movement, and saw Sera’s face. She understood in an instant, and sighed. I am sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.

Sera scooted back, until she was kneeling next to a different Sister. Instead of pursuing her, as Ionia always did when they quarreled, she just faced forward again, listening to whatever it was that Rinnane said. Sera bit her lip, now becoming frightened herself. Ionia never had acted like this before. Those men above must be really bad if the Sisters were hiding in the Silent Listening Room.

Rinnane finally turned her face in Sera’s direction. “We will stay here for the time being,” she said. Sera watched her lips carefully. Rinnane’s yellow eyes met Sera’s violet ones for just an instant, and then she again turned away. Sera still didn’t quite understand what was wrong. The men that were trying to get in wouldn’t be able to—no one was able to get in, unless the Sisters wished them to.

Sera felt something drop lightly onto her head, and she reached up, taking it. She held it in her hand, and frowned at it. It was a tiny rock. Sera looked up at the ceiling, wondering where it had come from.

Then there was a loud thump, and more chips began to fall down from the stone ceiling. Sera’s eyes widened.

“They’re coming in through the ceiling!” a Sister cried. She was instantly hushed by an Elder. Sera stood, unable to stay kneeling any longer. The woman next to her hissed at her to get back down, but Sera couldn't hear, so she didn't obey.

Following her example, many other Sisters began to stand, also. Their faces were pale, and many spoke to one another, breaking the sacred rule of Silence in the Listening Room. Only Elders were supposed to be allowed to speak.

Ionia stood at Sera’s elbow, and touched her arm. “I don’t think we should stay here,” she said quietly to Sera, not using her hands for fear that Rinnane would see and understand her words.

Sera shook her head vehemently. The Elders want us to stay here, she told Ionia.

“Don’t use your hands!” Ionia ordered her. “Rinnane is watching us.”

Sera looked and saw that her friend was right. The Elder still stood on the platform, glaring at her and Ionia. Sit down, she told Sera. We need to stay calm.

“Don’t sit down,” Ionia told her, keeping her face away from Rinnane. “We’ll slip through the Ceremony door.”

Sera shook her head again, her braid swinging from side to side at her back. She’d never disobeyed and Elder before, and she wouldn’t do so now.

She sat.

Ionia gritted her teeth. “Get up, Sera. Those men will come, despite the protection we have around these walls. They have mages just as strong as ours. Don’t you feel it?”

Now that Ionia had mentioned it, Sera did feel something odd in the air. She blinked, using her inherited Sight, and saw that there were colors spotting the ceiling. She looked closer, her eyes unbelieving. Then her breath left her in a whoosh. Breaking spells, she wildly hand-motioned to her friend. Why would they use breaking spells on us? There is a door—

Don’t you understand? Ionia asked her with exasperation. These men want to kill us!

Sera drew back again. She was trembling so badly that she couldn’t use her hands. Why would they want to kill them? The Sisters had never done anything wrong. They had only helped people, in the thousands of years they had lived in the Burial Grounds. Every time a mother brought down an ill child, the Sisters worked together to heal it. Every time a man brought down a crippled daughter that the family no longer wanted, or a defiant daughter that shamed her family, the Oracle took her in, and taught her their arts and ways. Why would men want to destroy that?

The ceiling was now falling in larger pieces. One was as large as one of the chairs that the Elders sat in, and fell precariously close to a Sister. She shrieked and dived farther away.

Chaos erupted in the room. Sisters started to scream, and the Elders were standing from their chairs and submerging into the mass of panicking women to calm and comfort. “Through the Ceremony door!” Ionia shouted. But Sera was staring at all the commotion around her, and didn’t read Ionia’s lips.

With a growl of frustration, Ionia hauled the smaller girl to her feet, and pulled her to the door hidden behind the tapestry, just behind the platform that Rinnane had just stood on. Now the Elder was among the Sisters, hushing them with the other Old Ones.

When Sera realized what her friend intended, she yanked her arm back. We can’t leave them, she told Ionia, her hands moving so swiftly that the girl had trouble following.

But when Sera turned away, to go back, Ionia grabbed her by her shoulders, and thrusted her into the doorway. Sera fought back weakly, always being one of a gentle nature. It was easy for Ionia to overpower her, and when Sera had stilled her protests, she pushed her deeper into the secret corridor.

The tapestry fell back into place behind them, and Ionia propelled Sera forward into the darkness. She could feel Sera’s violent trembling, and remorse filled her. But she could say nothing to offer comfort to her friend; it was too dark for Sera to read her lips, and she also would not be able to see hand motions.

They had walked for mere seconds, when they heard a great crash in the Silent Listening Room. Sera jumped, and she made a hoarse sound in her throat. As they always did when she was upset, Sera’s strange purple eyes began to glow.

In the faint light, Ionia was able to ask: What’s happened? She didn’t dare go back to see.

Sera didn’t blink. She stared at the wall, until Ionia grabbed her chin and forced her to look at her. Sera’s eyes were clouded and her mouth was slightly open. Ionia asked the question again.

Sera looked at her, and her eyes slowly focused. The glow did not fade, as it usually did when the cloudiness had passed.

“What happened?” Ionia asked a third time.

A single tear slipped down Sera’s smooth cheek. The ceiling fell in. Many of the Sisters and Elders were crushed. They are dead. Her hands fell limply to her sides.

Sera couldn’t think. She couldn’t say anything else. Dazed, she leaned on her friend.

Ionia wrapped a supporting arm around Sera’s tiny shoulders. Tears of her own fell from her eyes. She had befriended many of those Sisters. She had admired several of the Elders… Ionia jerked her head sharply when she heard shouts from further down the corridor.

The men were in the Burial Grounds.

Ionia darted forward, tugging incoherent Sera after her. She could still hear the men. The sounds they made bounced off of the stones walls. One of them laughed. Sera was also making sounds, the strange sounds that ripped from her throat when she was trying to cry. Ionia stopped, clapped her hand over her mouth, telling her without words to be silent.

Sera’s body racked with silent sobs, and Ionia waited impatiently for them to abate. When they did, Ionia ran again. Sera followed, stumbling on her long robe now and then.

For an hour they ran in the dark. The corridor they were in ran a mile under the Burial Ground Mountain, and at the end of it, it branched off into three different directions in a large circular room, much like the Silent Listening room but smaller. This room was alight with three torches on the walls.

When they reached it, Ionia halted, and glared at the three tunnels. She’d forgotten which one was which. She knew one led to the Prayer Chambers, one to the room where the Sisters ate, and another to the Sleeping Chambers. She needed the one that led to the Prayer Chambers—there was a way out of the Burial Grounds from those rooms.

Ionia turned to Sera. She knew her friend had spent hours in her childhood wandering these corridors. Sera was the one who had told Ionia of their existence.

Which one leads to the Prayer Chambers? Ionia asked her.

Sera didn’t react.

If Ionia hadn’t heard the men in the corridor just then, she might have tried a more gentle approach to coax Sera to tell her. But Ionia heard them. She heard their thunderous boots hitting the ground, and their loud voices as they spoke to one another.

Ionia slapped Sera. Hard.

Sera’s mouth dropped open, and pain pinched her features, but her eyes were more alert now.

Which one is the Prayer Chambers? Ionia demanded.

Sera’s hands fluttered in her distress, but she managed to point to the tunnel to the right. She heard the men, then, and this time she didn’t drag her feet when Ionia sprinted off into the passageway.

Her breathing echoed in her mind. Sera couldn’t hear her pounding footsteps, but she could feel them all the way to her hammering heart. As she often did to comfort herself, Sera hummed. But she stopped when Ionia snapped around to glare at her. She put a finger to her sternly-pursed lips.

Sera understood, and nodded obediently. They continued on. Sera could sense the men behind them—they’d taken the tunnel to the right, too. Sera could see her and Ionia’s footsteps in the dirt in their minds. She panicked again.

She grabbed Ionia with desperation. They’re following our tracks!

Ionia shook her off. There’s nothing we can do about it now, she snapped. Just keep going. And try to get your eyes to stop glowing! If the men catch up with us, and see them, they—

“Come here, priestess pretties!” a man called.

Sera gasped, and Ionia grimly pulled her along again. They raced through the torch-lit tunnels, and Sera made a sound of relief when she finally spotted the covered doorway of the Prayer Chambers. Ionia shoved her through it first, and then followed.

Sera gazed around her. The Prayer Chambers were untouched. There were the alters, and the candles. The bowls of water, and stiff-backed chairs that the Sisters sat in when they were called to a Prayer meeting.

“Which is the way out?” Ionia hissed, not having the patience to ask with her hands. Sera pointed to one of the alters. Not knowing what she meant, Ionia ran over anyway.

Lift this one up. Sera pointed to the smallest one that was tucked away in a corner. Ionia hurried to comply, and the smaller girl tried to help. But her strength was more of the mind than of the body; she made no difference, and Ionia struggled alone.

Her efforts grew more frantic when she could hear the men again. Sera began to wheeze. The alter would not lift. It was too heavy—made for many Elders to lift. Ionia cursed, earning a startled sound from Sera. Ionia pushed her slipper-covered feet against the cold, hard ground, and leaned her entire body into the alter.

It moved, but just the width of her smallest finger. Encouraged, Ionia pushed even harder, throwing all her weight into it. She motioned for Sera to do so, also. Together they pushed, and the alter moved just a little more.

It was wide enough for someone of Sera’s size to slip through. Get in, Ionia ordered, stabbing her finger at the opening. Sera gaped, and shook her head.

You first, she replied.

I’m too big. Get in, now! But Sera again insisted that she go in first. Ionia didn’t have time to argue. She pushed Sera once more, and all but shoved her head in the crack.

The men were approaching the hidden door. They would be there in mere seconds. Ionia pushed against Sera’s rear end, forcing her to go deeper into the small tunnel. Sera finally dropped down into it.

Now run! Ionia ordered. Run and don’t look back! Don’t stop until you reach the mountains!

“Ah!” Sera uttered, her way of saying Ionia’s name.

“Hush! If you truly value our friendship, go!” Ionia said harshly. Sera remained where she was. Ionia drew back and attempted to push the stone back into place.

“Well now, what have we here?”

Six men ducked under the door flap and filed into the Prayer Chambers. Ionia stood in front of the alter, praying to every god that she had ever learned of to protect Sera, and to keep her silent.

“You’re a… tall one,” one of the men said, looking Ionia up and down. She glared back at him defiantly.

“And you’re an ugly one.”

The other men hooted, and the man she insulted flushed with anger. “I hold your life in my hands,” he said warningly. “Best not try my patience.”

Ionia studied these men that had broken into the hideaway of the Oracle. They were Outlanders, no doubt about it. Their hair was long and untied. Their clothes were rough, and their weapons coarsely made. Hildas. Who had ordered them to destroy the Burial Grounds, and the Sisters and Elders?

“Clamant, look at the sigma on her robe!” one of the men, one with a scar under his eye, exclaimed. He pointed.

Clamant, the man in front of her, glanced at where his finger was directed. His small eyes narrowed. “Are you from the Gi’ec Clan, woman?” he demanded.

Ionia’s stomach coiled at the name. “No. One of my friends died from the Water Fever a while ago, and she was of the Clan you name. I keep this in remembrance of her.”

He took a step closer to her. “I would suggest honesty, little priestess, for if you are of a Clan I will stay my hand.”

“Who sent you here?” Ionia asked in answer.

He smiled coldly. “It doesn’t matter. An annoying slave is a slave that will not sell.”

Before she could discern what he meant, the man swung his blade, and the last thing she saw was his leering, pock-marked face.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I really like this story. Very interesting and unique, nothing like any of the other fantasy stories I have read. And your characters are so strong and intruiguing. I was a little confused though if Sera were deaf or not.

You had them using hand signals and reading lips so Sera could communicate so this made me think she was deaf.

Quote:
The woman next to her hissed at her to get back down, but Sera couldn't hear, so she didn't obey.


This also reinforced my assumption that Sera was deaf.

Quote:
They had walked for mere seconds, when they heard a great crash in the Silent Listening Room. Sera jumped,


But Sera heard this loud crash and that confused me. If she were deaf how could she hear a loud crash but not someone yelling in her ear?

If Sera is deaf and you want her to "hear" these loud crashes perhaps you could have her feel the vibrations they cause.

Honestly, other than this little confusion I really didn't see anything else wrong with this. I know you are busy with other stories, but I do hope you continue this one because I really want to know what happens next. PM me when you post more!!
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:15 pm    Post subject: ........ Reply with quote

The story:
*great beginning
*very descriptive
*nice names
*a few typos
*was she mute or deaf?

I didn't understand some parts of the story. Otherwise I think this story could go far I like how it begins. Nice topic. Can't wait for more!!! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey your story is great i can't wait to read the rest.
I don't understand is Sera deaf or not

you had a few typos but they have already been addressed
your idea is unique and quite interesting.
love the story

Smile Laughing Shocked

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kels—

This was decent. I remember reading it and it’s pretty good, but I kind lost interest a few times. Confused Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but there is so much going on that it was hard to keep up with sometimes. Maybe try to slow it down a bit. I think that would help.

Now, for the individuals…

Quote:
What could possible frighten the Sisters, or the Elders?


“Possibly” instead of “possible”

Quote:
She had admired several of the Elders… Ionia jerked her head sharply when she heard shouts from further down the corridor.


I don’t really like the “…” here. Try a dash instead.

Quote:
The sounds they made bounced off of the stones walls.


“stone” instead of “stones”

Okay, other than that, again, it was good. I mean, it isn’t your best, I must be honest. I like By Sun, By Moon, and your N&R better, but of course, everyone has these stories. And even this one is beyond good because you are so talented. So don’t let that bother you.

Well, I know this is short, but I really don’t have anything else to comment on.

*on to chapter two*

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, so I said that I would be off to read the next By Sun, By Moon, but I had to stop of here first. Really, it's just so that I make sure I read and review all of your stuff. Very Happy Anyway, another great story.

I love the world that you've created. I think it's so interesting, and we haven't even really learned what kind of world it is yet.

Sera is very interesting, I can't wait to find out more about her. I actually didn't think that she was deaf while I read the story. I mean, she seems to be brought up to behave like the Elders, fully entrenched within the culture of the place. So, because she's like that, she wouldn't speak in the Silent Listening Room. Anyway, it still is a question to ask, as it does seem a bit uncertain.

And, I do have to ask why no one else followed them out of the room? I mean, Ionia did shout it out.

And, that's basically it. Couldn't find any real nitpicks. Basically, I just want to learn more of what's going on. This is a very interesting start, leaving us many questions that we want to learn the answers to.

So, I'm going to go read the next chapter to find out. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this very interesting, if somewhat confusing. I'll be moving on to the next chapter to see if some of the confusion is addressed. I hate to reiterate what everyone else has said, but IS Sera deaf? And how was it that she knew the ceiling had fallen in? Those are my most pressing questions, but I did enjoy this chapter very much.

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