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by carolinewashere in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on July 11, 2008
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simmy90   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 7:06 pm    Post subject: In the Moments After... Reply with quote

I sit here, waiting. Hoping. Maybe after all these years, he’ll finally come to realize that I’m in love with him. I did kiss him, after all. But, we’re interrupted. By the constant chatter of those who fought and lost someone or several someones. We’re interrupted by the fact that our best friend will now be known to the entirety of the wizarding world as, ‘The Hero Who Lived’ and ‘The Man Who Lived’ and the best title of them all, ‘The One Who Defeated the Dark Lord’. I am so proud to be Harry Potter’s best friend. But I am even more proud that most of my loved ones are alive and well; those who most unfortunately did not make it through this test of life and death are the ones we all mourn at this hour. But we are all so happy: The Dark Lord, defeated. Finally.

I’m sitting on the stone ledge, rain soaking through to my very bones, my eyes looking straight ahead. My hair is plastered to my face and I feel my fingers fidgeting uncontrollably in my lap. And then, I have a sudden rush of warmth on my left. I turn to look at the man who has captured my heart so effortlessly and I frown. Not because I can’t bare to look at him because he is honestly the most beautiful thing in the world as far as I‘m concerned, but because of the scene of death and destruction so near us, it’s part of us. And it will always be.

He puts his arm around my shoulders and with his other hand, pulls the wet strands of hair out of my face and tucks them behind my ear. He looks at me and says, “It’s over.”

I give a half-smile and say, “Yeah. It is.”

“I know the next few months, hell, years are going to be hell on us all. But, just know that I am always here for you. Always,” Ron said soothingly in my ear. I believe him.

We’re all going to need someone to love and to love us for a very long time after this. We’re all going to need reassurances.

“I know,” I look straight in his eyes. What’s weird about that is just a second ago, mine and Ron’s faces were a foot away from each other and now, I can smell his breath and it’s invading my senses like that oh-so knee-melting kiss just a few hours ago. How I long for the delicious taste of butterbeer and chocolate frogs that are basically permanently imprinted in Ron’s breath.

“’Mione?” he says seductively in my ear.

“Yes?” I breath the word.

Our faces are just an inch from each other.

“I love you.“

Honestly, my heart can not soar any higher.

“I love you, too.”

Then he gives me a look that is so intense, for a split second, his eyes glow neon blue; I’m entranced. His grip tightens around my shoulders and then he releases it and drops his hand down to my waist. He hops off the ledge and kneels on one knee.

I’m speechless. Utterly speechless. I’ve been waiting for this moment since fourth year and it’s finally come.

“Hermione Jean Granger-”

I’m now crying, but smiling.

“I know we’re young and inexperienced in a lot of ways; we haven’t even dated. But, in my opinion, we don’t need to. We’re perfect for each other. I can feel it in every molecule of my being.”

I can see his muscular arms through his soaked shirt and the rain that’s pounding on his face is starting to wash away the dried blood and wreckage and heartache and I can finally see the boy I met on the Hogwart’s Express who has turned into such a handsome man, it’s ridiculous. His wet hair is all over his face, but oh my god, I want to run my hands through it!

He has made me forget about all the bad in the world and made me see that love can exist. If you only looked hard enough. But I didn’t have to look hard at all. He was standing in front of me this whole time, I was just so oblivious. We could’ve saved ourselves years of frustration and fighting and just downright annoyance of each other! But, I guess now is definitely not a time to think about the past. We all must look to the future, even if it is the hardest thing to do at the moment.

Everyone showed their true character tonight: Neville is actually brave, under all that shyness; Luna is actually intelligent, under all that dottiness; Harry and Ginny can actually love each other, under all that protection Harry claimed; Malfoy is actually a coward, under all that, well, cowardice; and Ron and I are actually in love, under all that denial.

I smile at this.

The rain is starting to pour down even harder. Big raindrops crash onto my eyelids and I’m forced to blink; another second I’m not able to see Ron’s face.

He pulls out a velvety black box and opens it. My eyes go wide and my voice catches in my throat. It’s a round, diamond, solitaire ring.

“Ron! How did you-” I start, shaking my head.

“I told Bill about my plan a few months ago. You know, when I-”

“I see,” I say, not wanting to hear about what he did to Harry and I.

“Anyways, I worked hard around his house and he gave me a lot of galleons for it. In the end, I chose this and I have a question to ask you.”

I start laughing and say, “Oh my god.”

“Will you marry me?”

I hop off the ledge, he stands up, and I fling my arms around his shoulders and exclaim for all the world to hear, “Yes!”

He looks down at me and says, “I was right for once.”

I give him a puzzling look.

“In fourth year, right after you freaked out on me at the Yule Ball, I knew that I would make you Mrs. Ronald Bilius Weasley. I was right.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re right.”

And we kiss.

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Kiss In The Rain   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awwwwwwwwww!!! This was really cute! You did a really good job capturing the moment. Very Happy.

Really there was only one thing: you have to put breaks between point of views. This piece starts out in Ron's, and then it ends in Hermione's. In there, there's a break. While you make it obvious in writing, there needs to be a visible break. They don't have lines to insert, so either put a few exta spaces between the POVs or put "BREAK" or "*~*" or something. Something that we can see is marking a difference in time or point of view.

Other than that, BRAVO!

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simmy90   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand what you are saying, but I have to be honest, the entire story is written in Hermione's POV, lol. "I sit here. Waiting. Hoping that after all this time, he'll come to realize I'm in love with him."

But thanks for the review; much appreciated! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was cute indeed and normally I don't read much about Hermione or Ron. I'd say it's very well written and kept my attention through the whole thing. I do have to say that even though I'd already known it was between Hermione and Ron you randomly switched from using he and him to using Ron. Nice job though, I liked it a lot.

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Quill9119   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:47 pm    Post subject: Wow Reply with quote

There is no word to describe the fantastic job you did. Please don't hesitate to write more on this subject. Wink
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Me again. I say you captured the aspect of what Hermione was feeling at that time quite splendedly. Despite what the other critics say I knew exactly who's POV you were using. I didn't matter that you switched from using he and him to Ron. It was amazing keep up with your writing because you are really good.

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Sexy Sadie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love Harry Potter and am a little ashamed to say, the whole time I wanted Hermione and Malfoy to be together in the end. Does this sound weird for a guy to be saying?

This was very good though. Ron rocks.

-“In fourth year, right after you freaked out on me at the Yule Ball, I knew that I would make you Mrs. Ronald Bilius Weasley. I was right.”-

I'll never ever read this part in the book, or watch it in the movie, the same again. In a good not the same way. Don't worry.

-Sadie
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salsashanno   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this is super cute! I love Ron and Hermione, and I was a little bit disappointed that we didn't get to see more of their relationship in book 7, but I loved their kiss in the room of requirement!

Anyways, this was great. I've read many a HP fan-fiction (ever gone over to the Mugglenet fanfic site? They've got some great ones in the Humor section.), and this one was believable, and it stayed true to the characters. Sorry that I'm not great with catching grammar mistakes, but I didn't catch anything in your story.

Love to see more!

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mikedb1492   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I did kiss him, after all. But, we’re interrupted. By the constant chatter of those who fought and lost someone or several someones.

The contraction we're means we are. So this reads as -But we are interrupted-. It should be -But we were interrupted-. You use this contraction a few other times as well, so you should change them. Also, I know this is in present tense, but even so, you want it this way to stay grammatically correct.
You could also combine this all into one sentence. -I did kiss him, after all, but we were interrupted by the constant chatter of those who fought and lost someone or someones.-

Overall awesome job. Very realistic and the dialogue fit what Hermione and Ron would say. And, as everyone else said, it was cute. I really enjoyed it.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

omg that was awsome
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to the all responders! It took me about an hour to come up with this story and apparently, that hour of nothing but writing worked; I've been praised! HAHA! And thanks to those who offered advice on how to make this a bit better grammatically, it's appreciated! I've also been working on some other fanfics; ones for Neville/Luna, Harry/Ginny, and other couples, but the one HP couple that people seem to be most interested in is Ron/Hermione, but I should start posting my other ones because those might be pretty good as well.

Thanks again!
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Hopless Romantic123   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[b]Very well done. I am impressed with the way you showed how much the relationship between Ron and Hermione had changed. The only suggestion that I would make would be for either...
one= The story gives further detail on why Hermione is so much in love with Ron, or vis. vers.
or
two= the fact that the two of them are still really good friend is put into the equation.

Those are just my suggestions. I love the way you put the story and agree with the two of them getting married!!! Razz
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very sweet, but it bordered on cliche. A little bit. The memory stuff is cliche and it isn't very Ron-ish. Try it like this:

"Ever since I saw you...at the Yule Ball--"
I smiled at his words, "I knew somehow, that I was yours. But I never accepted that."

Something like that. And I wish Harry/Hermione had a chance to shine. Crying or Very sad

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was so amazing! I couldn't find anything to be mean about! It so sweet and yet still Harry Potter-ish GREAT job
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG!!
amazing job!!..I really have nothing bad to say about it!...it was beautiful! loved it
I really liked the rain, it made it more romantic, I wish this was in the actual book!..deffinitley awesome
good job Wink

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