Topic ID: 34134
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kris
Senior Writer
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Country: UK
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 Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: Girls just wana' have fun |
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She wondered the lonely sodden city streets,
the evening’s vain festivities now done.
Light caught in a pool of vomit casts her face
sneering at her doppelganger below,
distorted by chunks of innards and bile.
So elegantly made up was her visage
turned vile and curdled in the mirage.
Her designer dress was fine and lavish
an Armani singlet now torn and ravaged.
Now tired of her grotesque reflection,
she continues her weak ankled stumbles
into the night, numbed from ten WKDs.
Cocaine still present on her credit card.
A black Honda pulls up beside her – “Get in” |
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: Re: Girls just wana' have fun |
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I like this. You have great word choice... but there are certain places where this can be improved, in my opinion.
Comments and suggestions in red!
| kris wrote: |
She wondered the lonely sodden city streets,
the evening’s vain festivities now done.
Light caught in a pool of vomit casts her face
sneering at her doppelganger below,
distorted by chunks of innards and bile.
Wondered? Do you mean Wandered? Even if you do mean wondered, it doesn't fit. And also, this line isn't a very strong opening. I suggest removing it altogether.
Another suggestion is re-wording that third line. It sounds akward.
So elegantly made up was her visage
turned vile and curdled in the mirage.
Her designer dress was fine and lavish
an Armani singlet now torn and ravaged.
Visage, Mirage... Lavish, Ravaged... sounds like a rhyme scheme. I don't know if this was intended or not, but I suggest a re-write. Nothing too big, just switching the words up instead of replacing them. Like I said before, I like your word choice.
Now tired of her grotesque reflection,
she continues her weak ankled stumbles
into the night, numbed from ten WKDs.
Cocaine still present on her credit card.
A black Honda pulls up beside her – “Get in”
Nice ending. Me likey! |
Nice seeing you again, kris. Will I be seeing more?  |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
Firstly, I think the title should be 'Girls just wanna have fun'.
| Quote: |
She wandered the lonely sodden city streets,
the evening’s vain festivities now done.
Light caught in a pool of vomit casts her face
sneering at her doppelganger below,
distorted by chunks of innards and bile. |
Horrible imagery! Which was, of course, your intention, so well done!  However, as Livinginfantasy said, the last section doesn't quite make sense. You could also think about changing the order of the first two lines.
Regarding the second stanza, I just have to point you again towards what Livinginfantasy has already said - it's like you've decided to bring in rhyming and it jars in the context of the two non-rhyming stanzas.
| Quote: |
Now tired of her grotesque reflection,
she continues her weak-ankled stumbles - 'Weak-ankled' needs a hyphen.
into the night, numbed from ten WKDs,
cocaine still present on her credit card.
A black Honda pulls up beside her – “Get in.” |
I don't really like my own punctuation suggestions but I was trying to edit it because the fourth line can't stand alone as its own sentence. Apart from that, I think this is easily the strongest stanza.
I really liked the idea behind the poem because it's true-to-life, yet our present culture seems to present this is normal teenage behaviour. The word choice was excellent. You seemed to write this in a way that didn't glorify reality or actually judge anyone, and, in my opinion, the straightforward narrating was really effective. |
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CoreMeltDown
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Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 6:28 am Post subject: Re: Girls just wana' have fun |
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| kris wrote: |
She wondered the lonely sodden city streets,
the evening’s vain festivities now done.
Light caught in a pool of vomit ((comma))casts her face
sneering at her doppelganger below, ((period))
distorted by chunks of innards and bile.
So elegantly made up ((too colloquial, try and rephrase it)) was her visage
turned vile and curdled in the mirage. ((this rhyme works, but just a friendly reminder that rhyme is anything but necessary))
Her designer dress was fine and lavish
an Armani singlet now torn and ravaged. ((these last two lines are obviously forced. the word fine is awkward, despite it fitting the context. Now is also uneeded))
Now tired of her grotesque reflection,
she continues ((comma or semicolon)) her weak ankled stumbles
into the night, numbed from ten WKDs.
Cocaine still present on her credit card.
A black Honda pulls up beside her – “Get in” |
I liked it. I don't know much else to say that wasn't covered in the critique. The flow falters at some point, some of the dialogue is a little colloquial at points. I would actually encourage you go through and word it with some more mundane vocab to give the effect of a shallow partier at rock bottom. Thats more of a stylistic suggestion, however.
Overall: Very Good |
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SunshineOrange
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good and hard hitting too! It reminds me of the adverts that have started to come on TV here in England where people get ready for a night out like the would probably come home when they were drunk. Very nice.
I particularly liked; "Her designer dress was fine and lavish an Armani singlet now torn and ravaged." The flow and rhyme of this worked well, even though the do not fully rhyme correctly, so top marks to you.
You crammed those syllbales in the lines in a few places though and this kind of jumbled the flow a little, but not majorly. Just thought I'd point it out 
Happy writing! |
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Salliewalker
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Very different and unique. Gives you a kind of different look on the 'chic' trend of nightclubbing.
I like some of the phrases, like 'the evening’s vain festivities now done', and 'Her designer dress was fine and lavish/ an Armani singlet now torn and ravaged'. It gives the poem the perfect feel to it.
The only thing I really have to say would be your ending. It breaks off the flow very abruptly, though I can't tell if that's intentional or just cramming in the last two lines.
The second from the last line doesn't make any sense just by itself, and the last one seems to appear just out of nowhere. Perhaps changing it around might make it flow better.
Otherwise, very good job . |
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