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thunder_dude7
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 Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:17 am Post subject: The Elements |
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Prolouge
A large figure dashed away from the six powerful warriors. He let a tear drop from his eye as his brother fell to the ground, dead. He continued on.
“I will avenge you, Xaviar.” He said, looking back at the dead body on the ground “You will all pay!” The man continued away, dashing at the acid wasteland. Just before reaching the land that would surely kill him if he entered, he hurled himself into the air. He didn’t go back down. The darkness continued pushing him up until he was far enough away from the planet of Elemento to avoid its gravity. He proceeded along in space, moving away from the planets rotating about the large celestial body made up of pure light and nothing else.
He would not be seen for 1600 years.
“And that is the story of the Black Knight, you two.” Lt. Surge was sitting in front of his two sons, reading from the large book in front of him. “The history of Elemento” it said on the cover.
“Daddy,” The seven year old boy said “wasn’t that written 1594 years ago? It says that on the cover! He’ll be back soon!”
“Woah!” The man said “I just noticed that!” He wasn’t being cute for the kids. He really was surprised to see the date was indeed 1594 years ago. The predictions the man that made this particular one were usually right. This one was likely no different.
“Liat, Tor, time for dinner!” a voice yelled from the kitchen. The twin brothers got up and ran into the kitchen. Lt. Surge hid his worry and concern with a large smile as he read the next sentence.
“Six children of thirteen years will stop this horrible man from destroying the world when he returns.”
***
I know this may be a little unclear, but that is how I think of a prolouge. Something you can't understand that you can go back and read after the book is done and understand every word. |
Last edited by thunder_dude7 on Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:49 am; edited 3 times in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:56 am Post subject: |
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Whoa. This is awesome! I loved it!
Well, the only thing that you need to know is that this is called a prologue, not a prelude. A prelude is a type of song or something. Change it to prologue.
Well, great job! This definitely captures the reader's attention first off, which is a VERY good thing to do. Great job!
BBB
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MadHatter
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:04 am Post subject: |
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Yes, BBB is right. Prelude is for music.
I also felt that when Lt. Surge read the 1594 thing, it sounded un-human. It was almost like he was a robot or someone in a childrens novel.
MH |
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Teague
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:22 am Post subject: |
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Ahoy there! Don't think I've met you before. My name is Razorblade, and I shall be your critic for today. 
Ooh, I like your intro. Although, I think you could make it longer and start establishing the reader-character connection there. Put a bit more emotion and description in, really make us feel your main character's pain. I want to feel like you just punched me in the stomach.
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| “I will avenge you, Xaviar.” He said, looking back at the dead body on the ground “You will all pay!” |
Quick grammar lesson: When you have dialogue followed by some kind of speech tag, you need to end it with a comma inside the quotes, unless it's a question mark or exclamation point. Also, if you have something breaking up dialogue, you need a period after the end of the break.
Anyway, you repeat that mistake a few times. The only complaint I have is that your pacing is pretty rushed. The first thing on your priority list right now is to expand! Slow down, add some description, add some emotion, really make us feel the characters. Also, your characters are kind of flat and need a bit of life to them.
Out of mild curiosity, how long ago did you begin writing?
Anyway, keep it up! Keep writing.
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:31 am Post subject: |
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| Well, I first actually wrote this story (Condensed into six chapters) two years ago for school. A few months ago I posted another idea for this story on another website, but stopped when I posted three chapters with no reviews. (Now I understand this was a mistake). I have now worked on it to make it better. I don't feel that prologues really are for feeling who the characters are. Most of the prologues I have read don't make much sense. However, when I go back and read it when I finish, it makes perfect sense. I'll work on more vivid description in future chapters. |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:34 am Post subject: |
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I really like this, you've got some great ideas.
Your writing needs a little polishing up though. I'd recommend you have a browse around the internet for some basic writing tips.
I think this part needs a little work, so i'll use it as an example.
"Woah!” The man said “I just noticed that!” He wasn’t being cute for the kids. He really was surprised to see the date was indeed 1594 years ago. The predictions the man that made this particular one were usually right. This one was likely no different.
Perhaps instead of speaking aloud the man could simply appear surprised.
Instead of explaining that what he said 'wasn't being cute for the kids', try to make it clear in the first place, so you don't have to try and explain afterwards, it'll really give the paragraph a boost.
Try to avoid using words like 'it' or 'one'. You might rephrase the last part to say 'the prophet that made this particular prediction was usually...'
Overall this is really good, keep it up. |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: |
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Alright, let's get started.
First off, the prologue was too short in my opinion. You only showed us a small part the story that that one dude was reading to the twins. You could tell us the whole story to make it longer.
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| “Woah!” The man said “I just noticed that!” |
I don't think this is realistic dialog. You might want to change that.
I really liked this prologue. I'm interest and I think I'll write more for the other chapters. |
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Vrtra
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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| While interesting, the date and whole prophecy type of thing is overused, but the way you handled it was kinda cool. Definately do more on the actual story, rather then a brief little bit about it. The story doesn't have to be true to the letter, but should follow a general role that the characters might want to try and change fate (and make the story come true in any sense) Like, someone dies, they try to cheat destiny and actually play a part in its cause. The prove the prophecy true by creating and believing in it. |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Don't worry. You'll be appeased later, a lot of stuff happens that wasn't mentioned in the prophecy. It's complicated. I won't fill you in on details just yet.  |
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Vrtra
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Aww... but I want more details. That way it will be more suspenseful if you do a couple of twists. Kind of like Terminator, by fighting in the past they created themselves in the future. |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| You'll see the details as soon as you stop bugging me and give me time to write the next chapter. If you must have more, it doesn't appear you've read chapters 3, 4, or 5(wait, I did put that here, right?). If you want suspense, I'd better not tell you what happens . |
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Vrtra
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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According to search, you put number 5.  |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| I just now put chapter 5, I had the prolouge and 4 chapters before. |
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iceflaime
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| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
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Wow that's a really suspenseful beginning to the story! Overall it's pretty good.
There's just a few things you should maybe fix....
The one phrase, "The predictions the man that made this particular one were usually right" didn't exactly make sense. I could see what you were trying to say, but only after reading it a few times. Maybe you could rephrase it somehow?
And then there's the phrase that goes something like, "Wow! I just noticed that!" And he wasn't just being cute for his kids. (I know that's not the actual phrase, but it's something like that.) I agree that you should maybe change that so the man is trying hard to hide his surprise or something.
But other than that I like your story. Elemento is a really cool name. |
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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This definitely captured my attention enough. Acctually it was the title that caught my attention first 'The Elements' *allows the words to roll off her tounge in just the right way*...man that sounded cool...
*ahem* Back to crtting...I like that gotta-hang-on-for-my-life-until-I-turn-the-page-feeling that this sets. Altogether it was completly awsome. |
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