Topic ID: 34085
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nekros
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 Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: An Ode To Insanity |
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This is about how it feels to go insane.
Pull out the blade
Let it go
Walk away
Lose control
A heart was here
Seven days ago
And I don't know
How this will go
Cloudy here
Hard to see
How do I know,
Nobody's following me
The pressure inside
Won't be controlled
I'm screaming here
With pains untold
Falling down
Waiting to see
All that blood,
Not coming from me
Laughing now
Blood covers me
Happy now
Watching everyone bleed
I'll use the blade
Just to make you scream
My fate is made
You can't save me |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
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First off, before you post you should have two reviews done.
Secondly, I really like this poem. It's kind of akin to some of the poems i write.
The only things I really found wrong were a couple minor rhythm/syllabic breaks, and the punctuation. Without punctuation, it just kinda reads as a rushed sentence.
Other than that, bravo!
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
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Wolf_Link95
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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| ok i liked it but there where like a few bits which i dint understand "Seven days ago" i didnt understand why that was there. was it because there where seven paragraphs but overall good job and keep up the good work |
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nekros
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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| seven days ago is making a reference to wholeness or a whole period like a year. Almost like saying once I was sane but now I'm not. |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:31 am Post subject: |
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i will like to say it is quite a nice poem.
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. well, it is intreting.
thanks |
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spike71294
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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It was a nice poem.
And it was quite wonderful that with such a gruel
barbaric,evil,sickening etc.
a poem can look so beautiful.
keep it up. |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Overall I liked it, the rhyming and the language was great.
My only query was did you intentionally make it read rushed or were you not aware of it?
If it was rushed so as to add another layer to the insanity of the speaker then nice touch but if you don't want it to sound fast then you might want to look into it.
Good job |
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BrokenSoul
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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It was... Pretty good! just one problem.
That isn't going insane.It's feeling that u have no place on this planet and u think ur goin insane.
so...ya.
It was really good dark rambitious and evil.
It scared me a little bit but that's a good thing. i guess.
So keep it up. Oh and add just a little more excitement to it. If that makes no sense then
make it have a life of it's own. right now it looks like somone just wrote whatever down. Make it have
its own beat to dance to. Its own voice to sing. Its own mind to think. Just give it personification
basically. Thats the only thing i found wrong with it. But seriously it was good and keep it up. |
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Runelord
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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Wow very nice (if a little scary)
The who thing kept me hooked until the end despite the few mistakes that managed to slip in as they always seem to do.
well i cant think of anything else to say except well done m8  |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: |
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I like it. The rhymes are fit. Overall its a nice poem. One problem ... This poem will fit a fantasy book when the main character is laying down on the battlefield bleeding and waiting for his death alone. Its not really about going insane around here.
When you go insane you start seeing things, paranoia, you fell like every one is trying to kill you or trying at least to hurt you. With other words you freaking lose your mind!
"The doctor says i`m nuts, but the voices in my head tell me that he is lying."
Anyway i`m not going to sleep this night... Its a scary thought. |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Wow. This caught me. This is one psychotic poem, and since it is, it's quite a psychotic read too...(kidding).
You've got the emotions right, but there are some parts that need to be improved...
1) Add punctuation. It adds more 'tone & atmosphere' to the poem.
2) Don't repeat words if not necessary. You used 'blood' twice.
3) And yes...it isn't necessary to rhyme (just an extra piece of info).
Other than that, as I said...it was really psychotic...really twisted.
Keep writing and good luck,
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