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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: Incubus |
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I surrendered to the shafts of Sleep
which bright Pain could not penetrate;
blissful numbing of the mind.
Curtains rose before the screen
of all that I could not have seen
in Daylight’s house of misery.
Inside the lampshade, yawned of light,
a moth flick-flickered, petrified,
stuck in the bowl, a haven once
the throne of Light The Deity,
assured that, in bliss, it was free,
more trapped now that the thrill is gone.
Inside my head surfed reddened clouds
and showers of dust-sprinkled stars,
for I was safe in Innocence
until my guest removed his hand
and deigned to leave the shadow land
now that his bliss was won. |
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Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
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pegasi_quill
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:28 pm Post subject: Re: Incubus |
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| Jasmine Hart wrote: |
I surrendered to the shafts of Sleep Good opening line
Which bright Pain could not penetrate;
Blissful numbing of the mind
As curtains rose before the screen
Of all that I could not have seen
In Daylight’s house of misery. These last three lines sound a bit strange - personally, I think some punctuation wuld work well to smoothen it out
Inside the lampshade, yawned of light,
A moth flick-flickered, petrified, Great two lines, lovely imagery
Stuck in the bowl, a haven once
Throne to light, sole deity,
Assured that, in bliss, it was free,
More trapped now that the thrill is gone. The rhythm here , in the past 4 lines, is rather strained
Inside my head surfed reddend clouds reddened, no?
And showers of sparkle-sprinkled stars, "sparkle-sprinkled" sounds a bit overdone, too sugary if you know what I mean. Reconsider that.
For I was safe in Innocence
Until my guest removed his hand
And deigned to leave the shadow land
Now that his bliss was won. |
In general, I quite liked this. Some points to make, though;
1) You know you don't have to capitalise every line, right? Just saying, I'm picky about that 
2) Your rhythm and flow of the poem is strained at times, watch out for that. If you stumble upon a line that sounds a it out of place, try to manipulate it to make it fit in. You want the entire poem to flow easily
3) Don't overdo it - as I pointed out above, the "sparkle-sprinkled" is just too much. It sounds fake, and hence makes the entire line, the whole concept it refers to, sound forced and unnatural, unreal.
Apart from that - great vocab and imagery 
Good job! |
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somethingcreative
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: |
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I surrendered to the shafts of Sleep
which bright Pain could not penetrate;
blissful numbing of the mind.
Curtains rose before the screen
of all that I could not have seen
in Daylight’s house of misery.
I really liked the motif of light, brightness and its bearing of pain throughout the poem, but especially in this 1st section.
Throne to light, sole deity,
Assured that, in bliss, it was free,
More trapped now that the thrill is gone. The rhythm here , in the past 4 lines, is rather strained
I'd have to agree with that critique, but other than that I liked this, especially with the light and dark contrasts, and especially with your line on the forced Daylight house of misery with the curtains rising of what you cannot see! |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:50 am Post subject: |
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| I'd have to agree with the other critiques in reading them, but other than those small things this is a very interesting and vivid poem. |
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