Topic ID: 33284
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Lil_Pau
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 216 Reviews: 99 Country: Land of Eternal Dawn 392 Points
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Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: A Promise |
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A Promise
Our golden days seem to fade away,
but those good memories
are still etched on your face.
Everyday, an obstacle burdens us,
but again, you manage to smile.
Everytime when the dawn rises,
something dark is always waiting ahead.
Somehow, we always surpass it...
Because you are right here by my side,
bound with a vow to protect happiness.
Even if sadness cuts like a knife,
with you, I seem to be invincible.
And we'll stand, together,
racing towards light.
It's a promise between you and I,
so let's be the best, until the end of time. |
_________________ Victory is the result of a fight, determination is its base.
Got YWS? |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 254 Reviews: 79 Country: none ya (US) 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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| AWWWW! That is so sweet. I like how it tells of overcoming everything in your path. Inspirational... |
_________________ Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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SweetOctober
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 17 Reviews: 11 Country: U.S 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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This was a really heartwarming poem.
It actually sounds like something I would write.
And I could relate to that poem completely. Simply a work of pure genius and from the heart.
Please continue writing adorable poems like these.
I didn't really see any grammar mistakes, no sudden jumps from stanza to stanza or anything...
Keep writing. Hope to hear more from you soon.
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"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." --- Emily Dickenson |
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Shallowdepth
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 25 Feb 2007 Posts: 42 Reviews: 19 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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| >< That totally sounds like me an my best friend. I really want to show her that now lol. This is a very wonderful piece, I liked it a lot. |
_________________ "When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertienence."
~Thomas W. Higginson |
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cassie17
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 22 Jun 2008 Posts: 36 Reviews: 8 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this poem! It seemed so real.
I just have a few suggestions:
"Everytime when the dawn rises,
something dark is always waiting ahead.
Somehow, we always surpass it... "
Comma after "Everytime"
The ellipses seems kind of ill-fitting. A period would be better, in my opinion.
Okay! So, obviousy, this poem was very good, as my only suggestions happened to be grammar! I liked the words you used, they were very pungent and got to the heart of the matter without playing around. Very well written!!
Thanks for the read!
--Cassie |
_________________ "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain
Writing is what makes me get out of bed in the mornings.
--Cassie <3 |
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