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This thread was created on July 28, 2008
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Inside Us
Topic ID: 33662
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ta-mara
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: Inside Us |
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How do you see
Into me?
You know what I'm thinking at all times
Memorize my rhymes,
Are with me in the hardest times.
You see through my petty lies
And know all my family ties.
Know everything I want to do,
When I think of you.
It is constantly driving me crazy
The way you make me feel weak and hazy
You and are alike as you can see
We hold the same key
Unlocking two intelligent minds
That's all that binds
Me to you
You to me
We can only set each other free
In this rampant chaos of reality.
----
Written at age 10 :3 I hope it isn't too bad. |
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andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 2:10 am Post subject: |
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Huh, funny how no one's reviewed this yet. Maybe everyone's been freaked about reading a poem by a 10yr old ^^ anyway I'll be the first.
First I'll do the thing with the capitals (I seem to say this all the time!) You don't really need a capital letter at the start of each line. It's not a rule, but I think it looks nicer if you just write it like you would a sentence, only in poem form. So you first two lines would look funny if you wrote them out like they would be in a sentence: "How do you see Into me?" that's because there's capital letters in the wrong place. So the first few lines would be like:
How do you see
into me?
You know what I'm thinking at all times
memorize my rhymes,
are with me in the hardest times.
Okay I'll do a line by line thing now =] I've probably been a bit on the picky side with punctuation but ehh why not?
How do you see
Into me?
You know what I'm thinking at all times I think you should put a comma at the end of this line/
Memorize my rhymes,
Are with me in the hardest times.
You see through my petty lies
And know all my family ties.
Know everything I want to do, You could start this line with a "You" so it makes more sense, and I don't think you need a comma at the end.
When I think of you.
It is constantly driving me crazy
The way you make me feel weak and hazy
You and are alike as you can see I think you meant "You and I are alike" (you missed the "I")
We hold the same key
Unlocking two intelligent minds I think a comma would be good here.
That's all that binds
Me to you
You to me
We can only set each other free
In this rampant chaos of reality.
Well, if you wrote this when you were 10 then it's very good! I couldn't have written somthing like that at 10. It's a simple enough poem, there's not any major huge feeling behind it or anything, but it fits together in a sweet way. So I like it. I like the idea of unlocking each other, and that bringing two people together. Really nice. You used some good images =] Keep writing, you have some talent! Do you have any more recent poems? |
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thething912
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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| Not bad. I like the rhyming. Sorry, my reviews are quite dull today. |
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| This thread was created on July 28, 2008 |
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