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Evaeva
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 Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:28 pm Post subject: Summer storms |
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Summer storms
The sky glowers.
A breath of wind sifts through the heavy air, brushing the windows with cool.
The air is warm, pressing, almost solid, against the ground,
Tension is felt in the back of the head, or the eyes.
Always the children shriek and cry with excitement,
The sheeting rain for some reason causing a rush of adrenaline,
And a need to dance,
Hands lifted to the sky.
And at night, when the water still falls from above,
The wind sings a lullaby,
And sends the world to sleep
With a wild song.
The thunder,
A sound like a giant has ripped open the sky.
The lightning,
A flash like magnesium burning in prep school labs.
The relentlessness.
The awe-inspiring power.
It makes you marvel at the world,
And give thanks to God.
And after,
There is calm,
And release,
And sleep. |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: Re: Summer storms |
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Firstly, you need to write 2 reviews before you post anything... so the ratio of posts to reviews should always be 2 reviews to 1 post (2:1). I'll review this anyway, just make sure you review 2 other pieces quick! Before you post anything else you should have 4.
The sky glowers. What a wonderful first line. I love this.
A breath of wind sifts through the heavy air, brushing the windows with cool.
The air is warm, pressing, almost solid, against the ground, I don't think you need to say "almost" here really, just solid on its own would add to the image more effectively.
Tension is felt in the back of the head, or the eyes. The way you say "or the eyes" makes this sound a bit like prose.
Always the children shriek and cry with excitement,
The sheeting rain for some reason causing a rush of adrenaline, the same thing again, "for some reason"...it gets in the way of the image
And a need to dance,
Hands lifted to the sky. this is nicer though =]
And at night, when the water still falls from above,
The wind sings a lullaby,
And sends the world to sleep
With a wild song. This is my favourite stanza, I like the image of the water and the wind singing a lullaby =]
The thunder,
A sound like a giant has ripped open the sky. this is an image that's used a lot (at least I've heard it before)
The lightning,
A flash like magnesium burning in prep school labs. I think this line breaks the imagery as well, suddenly being dragged down to prep school from the wild of nature, it's a bit numbing
The relentlessness.
The awe-inspiring power.
It makes you marvel at the world,
And give thanks to God. I think this is a bit unecessary - the whole poem has been saying this all along...
And after,
There is calm,
And release,
And sleep. I think this is a great ending =D
Lovely images here! I noticed you put a capital letter at the start of each line though - you don't really need that, especially if it's a sentence that's continued, you should write it just the same as if it was a sentence in prose.
Yeah, I like this poem. You get the feeling of the storm and the wildness in the summer across really nicely. |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. You painted a magical picture of Mother Nature in my mind. You have made my day! Not a lot of people can write like you.
Awesome job. Keep writing.!.!.!
_WFL_ or ~lexie~ |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Summer storms are gorgeous:) I think you did a very good job of capturing some of that loveliness.
The sky glowers. I like the words you used for your first line, but I think it might be more affective if you change the order a little? Like, "I glowering sky" or something to that affect, to insinuate that you're leading up to something.
A breath of wind sifts through the heavy air, brushing the windows with cool.Affective words, again, but I think the line is slightly long, especially after how short your first line is.
The air is warm, pressing, almost solid, against the ground, I like the way you describe the pressure of the air; maybe add even more imagery too it. Expand the image of the pressing, the pushing.
Tension is felt in the back of the head, or the eyes. I think I'd like this better if maybe you used second person? If you said "You feel tension in the back of the head, or the eyes" instead. It's up to you, of course. All of this is just my opinion.
Always the children shriek and cry with excitement, This line doesn't seem to fit... it doesn't seem as... serious?... as the rest of the piece. That wasn't quite the right word, but it just doesn't seem to fit the tone.
The sheeting rain for some reason causing a rush of adrenaline, Since this is the main part of the sentence, it should actually be "causes".
And a need to dance,
Hands lifted to the sky. My feelings exactly, when it's raining.
And at night, when the water still falls from above,
The wind sings a lullaby,
And sends the world to sleep
With a wild song. I love this last line, for some reason, even though it's so short. I like the last three lines of this whole verse very much. The first line is good also, but I like the last three lines especially much.
The thunder,
A sound like a giant has ripped open the sky. I think maybe it would be better to put a colon in place of the comma after thunder. "The thunder: A sound like a giant has ripped open the sky."
The lightning,
A flash like magnesium burning in prep school labs. Same here. And, like the screaming kids thing, the prep school reference just seems out of place to me. I liked the image you used in general, but is there a way you could use it without the lab?
The relentlessness.
The awe-inspiring power.
It makes you marvel at the world, [color=green] I think there should be a bit of a change in punctuation here. Maybe something more like "The relentlessness, the awe-inspiring power: It makes you marvel at the world" I like the comma after world, by the way. I like the little pause it gives before the last line of the verse. [color=green]
And give thanks to God.
And after,
There is calm,
And release,
And sleep. [color=green]In this case, though, I don't think the pause is really necessary. If it were me, I'd take out the commas after 'calm' and 'release'. I love this ending though.
All this is just my opinion though, just the impression I got. Altogether I thought it was good. The form was a little erratic, with you're very long lines and very short lines. It interrupted the rhythm a bit. It could've been worse, but I doubt you were striving for "could've been worse" when you wrote it. Still, I think that was one of your few larger problems.
*adna* |
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ta-mara
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm..
At first I thought "This poem is going to be a total bust". I apologize if that offends you.
This poem was beautiful although the first stanza was a bit difficult for me to understand, and I am not dim witted.
The sky glowers.
A breath of wind sifts through the heavy air, brushing the windows with cool.
The air is warm, pressing, almost solid, against the ground,
Tension is felt in the back of the head, or the eyes.
I think it is the ending that confuses me the most. Like it just doesn't make sense...
And you're probably going to get judged for that by more than just me.
Very Very Very VERY good word choice. I was incredibly pleased at most times.
I disliked the topic of this poem as I felt it to be quite ironically, dry.
Your puncuation at times was used incorrectly. Overused of "," as well as "." but not to a point where it distracted me SO much from the topic of the poem.
It was a good poem. You have talent.
Any questions and/or comments feel free to contact me.
~tamara |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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hello.
I really like this poem, so i will give it a review although i'm afraid that i might simply repeat what other people have already mentioned.
Ok...
this first line is quite nice. it's not the best image, to me, because i immediately think of eyes in the sky and it's a little used. However, your wording is very good - glowered is definately much better than frowned - and it's good that you've started with a very simple one line sentence. However, it's still not my favourite line.
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A breath of wind sifts through the heavy air, brushing the windows with cool.
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well, 'a breath of wind' is alright. It seems overused compared to the rest of the imagery that you have written in this line, but it gets the point across. I guess you were going for a particular motion, and breath of wind is the best way of illustrating it. Fair dos. Heavy air... that's nice. It's the first thing that really begins to give the atmosphere of what the poem is describing. It was the moment that i thought 'oh yeah... i know what she means...' lol! I ramble a lot. Anywho, i like the rest of the line a lot. It's brilliant imagery, really.
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The air is warm, pressing, almost solid, against the ground,
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Again, this is a strong line. I can really begin to picture the storms that you are talking about, in the centre of a really hot, bright summer, there are evenings when all the air becomes thick and heavy and there is a highly charged storm on the way. It's really amazing that you manage to bring round memories and this kind of pictures in the reader's head!
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Tension is felt in the back of the head, or the eyes.
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not so kean on this one. it becomes almost like... an instruction manual or the notes of a scientist. That's how i feel anyway, and you may have even been going for that, in which case - you've succeeded! It's definately the word order. 'tension is felt...' doesn't feel natural. If i were you, i'd rewrite it to
the back of the head is crammed with tension, and in the eyes
or something to that effect. I don't know - it's totally up to you. That's just my opinion, and i wouldn't say that my rewrite is much better, but you get the gist.
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Always the children shriek and cry with excitement,
The sheeting rain for some reason causing a rush of adrenaline,
And a need to dance,
Hands lifted to the sky.
beautiful lines. They don't need the smallest change whatsoever.
And at night, when the water still falls from above,
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this line is a serious anticlimax after the previous few lines. yuk - i feel like saying, 'well, of course the water falls from above! Where else is it going to fall from?' If you get my point! ^^ i beg you... PLEASE! rewrite this line!! There is surely a more poetical way to put it - raining at night. There are a hundred different ways of saying it, and yet the way you've said it makes the line useless and surplus; we aren't even left knowing HOW it is raining. How it sounds etc. Please consider rewriting this one.
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The wind sings a lullaby,
And sends the world to sleep
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it seems to me that the wind is ALWAYS singing a lullaby. In so many poems, the wind is singing a lullably. And still, i've never understood the phrase - a stormy wind is vicious isn't it? Lullaby implies that it's a gentle sound, lulling you into unconsciousness. That line is one of my least favourites. That's why i crossed it out.
here is another beautiful line. Keep this one, no matter what else you change, because this one is a winner.
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The thunder,
A sound like a giant has rippedripping open the sky.
The lightning,
A flash like magnesium burning in prep school labs.
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i don't really have any suggestions for these lines. They are... okish. Nothing that really stands out to me. some of it is quite unual description, but it doesn't really do much for me.
The relentlessness.[/quote]
i would have said restlessness, personally. However, that's just one person's opinion
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The awe-inspiring power.
true. I always think that when it's storming.
It makes you marvel at the world,
same again
And give thanks to God.
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i hate this line. partly because i'm not christian or catholic or whatever, but really because suddenly the storm that you've written so wonderfully about has lost it's mystery. It suddenly closes it's boundaries a little more. It starts to feel like a prayer that we would say at junior school, and it labels it as a 'religious poem' slightly. It's hard to explain, and i don't want to offend you, but i just feel that it's always nice to keep some poems free from religious comments and refrences. Of course, it's your poem and if you are very christian or whatever, then please don't take offence or change it. There are almost definately a shed-load of people who would disagree with me hugely, but i just needed to say it.
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And after,
There is calm,
And release,
And sleep. |
a wonderfully peacefull and drowsy ending to the poem. It works very well.
overall, i like this poem. It's poetical. lol - that's what you'd expect, isn't it! But seriously, you've done well to create your own unique style and although a lot of lines were questionable or cliched, your description was mostly very different and interesting, as well as the topic being well picked and considered. so, congratulations! You've definately won my vote!
I'll watch out for your other stuff, as i'm sure it will be just as unique, thought-provoking and interesting to read.
Best of luck,
from charlie. ^^ |
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AlexZyg
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Hey guys, this is my first review. Bear with me please...
I loved the first line. "Glowers" was a sweet word mainly because it evoked the feeling of anger from the sky. I think that is really the essence of a good violent storm, that pre-storm glowering. Like the other reviewers, I liked the third stanza best. It actually sent chills down my spine the second time through. I don't know if this helps, but the word "wild", which I loved, makes me picture this savage-like family finding shelter and a good night's sleep in some weird foresty cave during a storm. I'm not sure why that image popped into my head. However, it did, and it was wonderful. I actually liked the comparison of lightning to something that might occur in chemistry class. The image that came to my mind when I read that line was of my chemistry teacher creating a lightning-like reaction in the palm of his hand. It made a cool connection with the next stanza's reference to God. I guess I have to agree with the other reviewers on the extra words, but I think this poem has a lot of potential. So do you as a poet.
Thanks, God Bless |
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