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This thread was created on July 27, 2008
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Black Mask
Topic ID: 33618
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BATCHICK785
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 3
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: Black Mask |
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Shunned by everything in the light
They stare at you in spite
You run away from the people who just see a face
Covered in descries
Not your kind soul, whom others can not grasp
As you hide it behind this Mask
Staying low and out of sight
Till the sun hides it’s rays of light and becomes night
This darkness were my appearance is hidden
Were wrong judgments are forbidden
Shunned away by those who cam not see you
So as you say that your through
With all this false judgment and all these bad tasks
I love you and wear you to
My Dark Black Mask |
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out of all the colors u have shined these shurly aren't the best (colors by crossfade) |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
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Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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| oooh, very dark. I like it! your description is wonderful. |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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1dering at stars
Senior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 202
Reviews: 101
Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
354 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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Shunned by everything in the light
They stare at you in spite
You run away from the people who just see a face In this line I would substitute the word 'only' for the word 'just'. It's more of a personal preference than anything else, but it also seems to flow better. The word 'just' is a 'harder' word in a sense and sort of tends to make the line sound like it should stop there. Where as 'only' flows better into the next word. Completely up to you, this is merely my opinion!
Covered in descries I'm not sure that the word descries works here.... Descries, or descry, is a verb meaning to catch sight of or to perceive... So.... either this person is covered in perceiveiness  ( which as you realize, does not make sense in the least ) or you spelled the word you were looking for wrong.
Not your kind soul, whom others can not grasp
As you hide it behind this Mask
Staying low and out of sight
Till the sun hides it’s rays of light and becomes night
This darkness were my appearance is hidden Now all of a sudden you have just switched points of view on this. You go from speaking about 'you' to saying 'me'. It should be the same the whole way through....
Were wrong judgments are forbidden Were = Where 
Shunned away by those who cam not see you cam = can..... also you just switched back to saying 'you' again...
So as you say that your through Your is spelled you're if you're trying to say you are.
With all this false judgment and all these bad tasks
I love you and wear you to to = too
My Dark Black Mask Nice strong ending! Creepy too... |
One more thing this needs is some punctuation at the ends of the lines! So put periods and commas and de-capitalize the beginning of the line if it is not the beginning of a sentence. It will make it flow a lot nicer.
All in all, this piece was nice.... and it could be really good if you fixed it up some.... but... it didn't really make me feel anything.... ever heard the expression 'show not tell' ? Give this some metaphors! It'll make it more interesting and not as cliche.
I did like the ending. Nice and strong.
So give this a bit of extra work. It could be really great! NIce job. |
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Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real? |
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Shallowdepth
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Feb 2007
Posts: 42
Reviews: 19
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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Me likey a lot =) the only thing is there are a few typos that you might want to fix up real quick so other people don't pester you about them.
This darkness were my appearance is hidden: The were should be wHere
Were wrong judgments are forbidden: Again the were a wHere
Shunned away by those who cam not see you: Cam to caN
^^ just three little mistakes. Trust me, I do those kind of typos all the time lol it's ridiculous, but that's how I can spot them so fast. But yeah, nice poem, you should write more. |
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~Thomas W. Higginson |
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| This thread was created on July 27, 2008 |
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