Topic ID: 33417
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seventeenmistyears
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: take me |
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take me
won't you?
give me
something
i need something
to hold
onto
i'm so tired
of being
used and
being broken
and
confused
i find it hard to
trust you but i
know
that if i
try
with all my might
i'll maybe please you maybe
make you feel alright
and then you'd
take me
make me
one you called your
own
and i won't have to be
alone
and maybe there i will find
worth
and maybe then it wouldn't
hurt
and maybe what you promised me
could still
come true?
and maybe i could be with
you
and make you happy
maybe then you wouldn't
leave me
maybe then you wouldn't
hurt me
maybe then this wouldn't
break me...
maybe then you'd
take me?
-@ |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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First off, welcome to the YWS!
If you have any questions or need help finding something on the site, feel free to PM me. I highly suggest you read The Rules since you have already broken one.
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| III Members are asked to withold on submitting work until they post two reviews. After one has done, a member can submit as much work as he/she may like, although it is requested that one keeps the ratio of reviews to work to at least 2 to 1. |
You've posted a poem and a story. Which means you need to write 4 reviews.
As to the poem. Your line breaks are impossible. It kills all possible flow. Your subject matter is too restricted - as a reader I have no idea what you are talking about and I cannot relate to it. Your poem should make me feel what you feel, I should be able to associate with it and agree with you, and know what you're going through. Instead, I'm just lost.
I'm sorry to be so horribly honest - it's simply that a lot of people seem to write poetry thinking that if one talk about one's emotions in verse, then they immediatly are the greatest poet in the world. Poetry is about a lot more. Why not consider how you can explain to us the situation between you and this other person, and describe it to us with the use of metaphors, symbolism, sound devices.
And, finally, the best suggestion I have for a poet is to read poetry. I'm not sure if you've read poetry or not, and I won't assume you haven't, but you should read more. That is the best way to learn how to write poetry. If you don't want to go out and buy a poetry collection, a skim through the protfolio's of a few YWS poets should help. Here's a list: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Caligula's Launderette, Cade, Via, Leja, Penguin_Attack.
Again, if you have any questions about the site or need help finding something, feel free to PM me! |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
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Ygaron
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 41
Reviews: 30
201 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:18 am Post subject: |
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| As Suzanne said, you could describe a little more about this person. Maybe tell us who the are and what relation they are to you (i.e. father, boy/girlfriend, mother, etc.). Also, there seem to be a lot of random breaks in the lines. It just doesn't seem to flow well. Also, I'm sorry to say, you capitalization is horrible. Hope this helps! |
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"A person who won't read has no advantage over a person who can't read"
-----Mark Twain |
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Sexy Sadie
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 37
Country: Liverpool, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey 17,
Ok, I'm new too, so I really feel uncomfortable telling people what's wrong with their stuff, but here goes.
First off, you need to fit more into your lines, it's really hard to read and does not at all flow.
Second, you need to capatalize and put punctuation. I'll show you an example with your first seven lines:
Take me
Won't you?
Give me
Something.
I need something
To hold
Onto.
Something I learned in a creative writing class a few years ago from a wise proffesor was always capatalize the first letter at the begining of every new line. And I don't know if the capatalize thing just depends on the author, or if it really is a rule.
Fix this up and PM me when you have so I can go through and take another look. It has awsesome potential, brilliant actually.
I apologise if this was a bit harsh, I'm not sure what the criting rules are exactly.
-Sadie |
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Jay
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 97
Reviews: 43
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:06 am Post subject: |
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It seemed kind of limp and droopy to me-the narrator, that is. They sound pathetic and needy, to be honest. I would also suggest making the lines longer-it would work better if it was more like this:
Take me, won't you?
I need something to hold onto
I'm so tired of being used
Of being broken and confused |
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Visit me at www.cutecritic.blog.co.nz |
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Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 100
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
363 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:18 am Post subject: |
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You can definitely improve this poem. It wasn't too bad, but not too good either. Try to add some punctuation and capitalization in some parts, and yes, put them in stanzas. It'll make the poem neater.
And one more thing; this poem sounded more of a ramble. It can make the reader understand, but cannot leave a feeling. Try reading more poetry and prose to expand your choice of words. Add metaphors too. It'll improve the poem.
Don't despair yet, you still can do better! Surely, you can improve.
Best of luck and keep writing. |
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