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Boon
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 Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: Metal Gear Solid 5: Revenge of the Patriots (Prologue) |
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Tear it into pieces.
Otacon’s white lab cloak rustled in the light breeze, he pushed his glasses back into place and looked at the gravestone before him. It was like every other gravestone in the cemetery except for the words that said: “To a man who released us from the shackles of the Patriots.”
“You deserve better than this Snake,” Otacon whispered. He turned around and walked across the hallowed grounds to the parking lot. There were only two cars sitting in the empty parking lot. Otacon made his way toward his black car and opened it with the fingerprint scanner. “Dr. Hal Emmerich?” asked a voice from behind.
“Yes,” Otacon said without turning around. “You said you had information for me Meryl?” He turned around to see a woman with red hair held back by a headband. A pistol sat in its holster at her hips.
“Yes,” she said crossing her arms. “It isn’t good news either I’m afraid.” She pulled out an envelope from her back pocket and handed it to Otacon. She began explaining as Otacon took out the first piece of paper. “It seems another country has developed a new Metal Gear. The first paper is from a satellite that was orbiting over Korea. What you see is a military air base outside the capital Pyongyang.”
Otacon stared at a simple piece of paper that could mean the salvation of America. The image showed what Meryl said, an army base with people no smaller than ants moving across the ground, but that was insignificant what laid in the middle of the base. “Metal Gear,” Otacon whispered. “I thought it would be over after we destroyed the Patriots.” He pulled out a second paper out of the envelope. This one had a crude sketch of what must be the new Metal Gear. “This one can fly?”
“From what we can tell, yes. If this thing is finished, it could spell doomsday for us all.”
“Who’re you sending to destroy this? Raiden retired and Snake is . . . is gone.”
“The third paper explains the rest.”
Otacon pulled out the last piece of paper. He read it read and reread it not believing his eyes. “Johnny . . . Akiba. But don’t you both have a five-year-old child. If he died-”
“We already talked of the risks and we both agreed he is the best suited for the job.” She looked down sadly. “If something were to happen to him . . . as least he will die a hero’s death.” She sighed and looked back into Otacon’s eyes. “I want you to the technical advisor on this mission. You know Metal Gears better than anyone out there. Oh, and we’re also bringing in Sunny.”
“Sunny? But she can’t be any older than seventeen.”
“Trust me, she’s fully capable.”
Otacon pushed his glasses back into place and stared intently at Meryl. “So, when do we begin?” |
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Lindsaroo
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Ash,
I like it, but I think that you need to bend it around a bit. It was kind of hard for me to understand what was going on. Maybe just adding more imagery if you get me. Make the reader be able to see it clearer in their head instead of it just being a bunch of words. I like the beginning, I had a clear image of him at the grave and then it kinda blurred to where I didn't know what was going on until I read it over. I think this is the beginning to something really good.
Good luck with it 
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Gladius
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Lindsaroo wrote: |
| I like the beginning, I had a clear image of him at the grave and then it kinda blurred to where I didn't know what was going on until I read it over. |
I disagree. I got really absorbed in it when the talking began. I think it's the beginning that needs work. I do agree it needs a little more description; I can kinda visualize the characters because I've been exposed to the games (mostly and especially through SSB: Brawl), but it would be nice to see what's changed.
Example: right now, I'm imagining Otacon with quite a few more wrinkles since Snake apparently died. Maybe he's beginning to bald, or his hair's going grey in places it wasn't when Snake was working. The fact that he's sad about Snake's death needs to come out more, too, I think. Like here:
| Quote: |
| "Who're you sending to destroy this? Raiden retired and Snake is...is gone." |
I wouldn't have him even finish the sentence...unless you think Otacon isn't that kind of person? I don't really know--what I know of him pretty much consists of what I've learned from Brawl. ^^;
Another thing: for your beginning. I love that you've immediately started with Otacon standing over Snake's grave. It really grabs your attention, especially if you've played the games. The reader's thinking, 'What the heck happened?' But I think you've ruined the moment by making it so brief. I think now, if at all, would be the time when Otacon would show any sorrow he might feel--you can also use this to tie in something of what's going on in this new story. Kinda give us a feel for the game, you know? It would start it kinda like I've started my own fanfiction--give a small time for the backstory of the game this story's coming after to develop, that way you don't completely confuse your uneducated (I apologize for the term) reader [meaning they haven't played the game before, or even heard of it at all]. So really what you need is to go a little more in-depth into the characters and the setting.
One last thing: Meryl and this Johnny Akiba. Apparently, these two are married, and apparently, they're both in their late twenties, I'd say. We need more on these! Have Otacon, when he sees Meryl, kinda pause for a moment to think who she is; with your voice, as the author, go into a little detail about her past as Otacon would know it--just so we have an idea of who she is. ^^;
Good luck with this! I really like this idea. You've piqued my interest with this new scenario, and I wanna see more!  |
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Boon
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:18 am Post subject: |
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Here's the edited version of the the original prologue.
Otacon’s white lab cloak rustled in the light breeze, he pushed his glasses back into place and stared at the gravestone before him. It was like every other gravestone in the cemetery except for the words written across its polished surface: “To a man who released us from the shackles of the Patriots.”
“You deserve better than this Snake,” whispered Otacon. He turned around and walked across the hallowed grounds to the parking lot. There were only two cars sitting in the empty parking lot. Otacon made his way toward his black car, opening it with the fingerprint scanner. “Dr. Hal Emmerich?” asked a voice from behind.
“Yes,” Otacon said without turning around. “You said you had information for me Meryl?” He turned around to find himself staring into the eyes of a red-haired woman. On her hip was a pistol.
“Yes,” she said crossing her arms, staring back. “It isn’t good news either I’m afraid.” She pulled out a white envelope from her back pocket and handed it to Otacon. She began explaining as Otacon removed the first piece the first piece of paper and looked it over. “It seems another country has developed a new Metal Gear. The first paper was from a satellite that was orbiting over Korea. What you see is a military air base outside the capital Pyongyang.”
The image showed what Meryl said, an army base with people no smaller than ants moving across the ground, but that was insignificant what laid in the middle of the base. “Metal Gear,” Otacon whispered. “Dammit! I thought it would be over after we destroyed the Patriot’s AI.” He pulled out the second paper and stared it over. A crude sketch of what must be the new Metal Gear was drawn on the surface. From the designs it looked like it had the form of the falcon, on the bottom was the barrel of a cannon. “This one can fly?”
“From what we can tell, yes” Meryl said solemnly. “If this thing is finished, it could spell doomsday for us all.”
“Who’re you sending to destroy this? Raiden retired and Snake is-” He paused and let his gaze trail over the graveyard. “And Snake is gone.
“The third paper explains the rest.”
Otacon pulled out the last piece of paper. He read it slowly and reread it again not believing his eyes. “Johnny . . . Akiba!” Otacon almost shouted. “But don’t you both have a five-year-old daughter. If he died-”
“We already talked of the risks and we both agreed he is the best suited for the job.” She looked down sadly. “If something were to happen to him . . . at least he will die a hero’s death.” She sighed and looked back into Otacon’s eyes. “I want you to the technical advisor on this mission. You know Metal Gears better than anyone out there. Oh, and we’re also bringing in Sunny.”
“Sunny?” he asked in surprise. “But she can’t be any older than seventeen.”
“Trust me, she’s fully capable.”
Otacon pushed his glasses back into place and stared intently at Meryl. “So, when do we begin?” |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry about the delay! Here's a few specific comments to start with:
Otacon’s white lab cloak rustled in the light breeze, [I'd suggest a full stop here because I think it would elp your sentence flow better if it were split.] he pushed his glasses back into place and stared at the gravestone before him. It was like every other gravestone in the cemetery except for the words written across its polished surface: “To a man who released us from the shackles of the Patriots.” [I think you could expand this and make it a less ordinary description. Clearly this inscription is important so you want to draw more attention to it than that. Maybe something like 'The rows of grey, slate headstones did not differ from each other except in the shallow, scratched out inscriptions that were generally faded with age. This particular inscription was more recent, more legible amongst the furry green moss and crooked cracks. It read: “To a man who released us from the shackles of the Patriots.”']
“You deserve better than this Snake,” whispered Otacon. [Yuck. Sorry but this is such an over-used phrase and it tells your reader nothing ofOtacons character except that he's a cliche doctor/scientist figure with no imagination, talking to either a dead man or a poor, reptile who's slithered his way into a gloomy graveyeard. Alright so that's over-doing it but do your reader a favor and give them a character that they can feel sorry for and relate to. Also, set the scene. What time of day is it? Is the graveyard dark and cold or is it day time with a feeling of peace and quiet?] He turned around and walked across the hallowed grounds to the parking lot [Expand this. Maybe say how his boots squelsh through the grass that's moist from the morning dew or perhaps a recent rainstorm. Or is he wearing trainers? Shoes can tell a reader a lot about a character.] There were only two cars sitting in the empty parking lot. Otacon made his way toward his black car, opening it with the fingerprint scanner. [This is telling more than showing. Perhaps something like 'Two cars were motionless in the small parking lot: a black mercedes beside an ancient, white corsa. Octacon approached the first of these and brushed his fingers against a pad, causing the doors to slide open smoothly.' or whatever cars fit your characters and their positions in life better.] “Dr. Hal Emmerich?” asked a voice from behind. [What sort of voice? High or low pitched? Sultry or dull?]
“Yes,” Otacon said without turning around. “You said you had information for me [Comma here.] Meryl?” He turned around to find himself staring into the eyes of a red-haired woman. [And what colour might these eyes be? Your phrasing here is a little strange. You can't skip from eyes to hair so easily, take some time to describe your characters. Remember, there are people who haven't played this game or read this book... whatever it's a fan-fic of.] On [On needs a capital letter!] her hip was a pistol.
“Yes,” she said crossing her arms, staring back. “It isn’t good news either I’m afraid.” She pulled out a white envelope from her back pocket and handed it to Otacon. She began explaining as Otacon removed the first piece the first piece of paper and looked it over. “It seems another country has developed a new Metal Gear. The first paper was from a satellite that was orbiting over Korea. What you see is a military air base outside the capital Pyongyang.”
The image showed what Meryl said, an army base with people no smaller than ants moving across the ground, but that was insignificant what laid compared to what lay in the middle of the base. “Metal Gear,” Otacon whispered. “Dammit! I thought it would be over after we destroyed the Patriot’s AI.” He pulled out the second paper and stared [Find an alternate word - you used stared much too often.] it over. A crude sketch of what must be the new Metal Gear was drawn on the surface. From the designs it looked like it had the form of the falcon, on the bottom was the barrel of a cannon. “This one can fly?”
“From what we can tell, yes” Meryl said solemnly. “If this thing is finished, it could spell doomsday for us all.”
“Who’re you sending to destroy this? Raiden retired and Snake is-” He paused and let his gaze trail over the graveyard. “And Snake is gone."
“The third paper explains the rest.”
Otacon pulled out the last piece of paper. He read it slowly and reread it again not believing his eyes. “Johnny . . . Akiba!” Otacon almost shouted. “But don’t you both have a five-year-old daughter. If he died-”
“We already talked of the risks and we both agreed he is the best suited for the job.” She looked down sadly. “If something were to happen to him . . . at least he will die a hero’s death.” She sighed and looked back into Otacon’s eyes. “I want you to be the technical advisor on this mission. You know Metal Gears better than anyone out there. Oh, and we’re also bringing in Sunny.”
“Sunny?” he asked in surprise. “But she can’t be any older than seventeen.”
“Trust me, she’s fully capable.”
Otacon pushed his glasses back into place and stared intently at Meryl. “So, when do we begin?”
_____________________________
Overall, this is an interesting beginning but you need to add more description and work on your characterization a little. If you give your reader a stronger idea of setting, character description and build the atmosphere a little by introducing the other senses - you neglect sound, smell, touch and taste! - then you could have a good prologue. It's short at the moment so work on that too but you'll find that increasing description and use of the senses heps in that area anyway. I hope this helps a little but feel free to pm me for more advice,
Heather xx |
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Maybe
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: |
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Hey Ashie. Thought I'd drop by and offer a bit of help. It's been a while since I've critiqued anything of yours. ^.^
Corrections in red, Comments in blue.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Otacon’s white lab cloak rustled in the light breeze,. he He pushed his glasses back into place and stared at the gravestone before him. It was like every other gravestone in the cemetery except for the words written across its polished surface: “To a man who released us from the shackles of the Patriots.”
“You deserve better than this, Snake,” whispered Otacon. He turned around and walked across the hallowed grounds to the parking lot. There were only two cars sitting in the empty parking lot. Otacon made his way toward his black car, opening it with the fingerprint scanner. “Dr. Hal Emmerich?” asked a voice from behind.
“Yes,” Otacon said without turning around. “You said you had information for me Meryl?” He turned around to find himself staring into the eyes of a red-haired woman. On her hip was a pistol.
“Yes,” Try to avoid starting two paragraphs in a row with the same word. Gets repetitive she said crossing her arms, staring back. “It isn’t good news either, I’m afraid.” She pulled out a white envelope from her back pocket and handed it to Otacon. She began explaining as Otacon he removed the first piece the first piece of paper and looked it over. New paragraph here, assuming it's Otacon that's talking now “It seems another country has developed a new Metal Gear. The first paper was from a satellite that was orbiting over Korea. What you see is a military air base outside the capital Pyongyang.”
The image showed what Meryl said Nevermind about that new paragraph,; an army base with people no smaller than ants moving across the ground, but that was insignificant what laid in the middle of the base. “Metal Gear,” Otacon whispered. “Dammit! I thought it would be over after we destroyed the Patriot’s AI.” He pulled out the second paper and stared it over. A crude sketch of what must be the new Metal Gear was drawn on the surface. From the designs it looked like it had the form of the falcon, on the bottom was the barrel of a cannon. “This one can fly?”
“From what we can tell, yes” Meryl said solemnly. “If this thing is finished, it could spell doomsday for us all.”
“Who’re you sending to destroy this? Raiden retired and Snake is-” He paused and let his gaze trail over the graveyard. “And Snake is gone.
“The third paper explains the rest.”
Otacon pulled out the last piece of paper. He read it slowly and reread it again not believing his eyes. “Johnny . . . Akiba!” Otacon almost shouted. “But don’t you both have a five-year-old daughter. If he died-”
“We already talked of the risks and we both agreed he is the best suited for the job.” She looked down sadly. “If something were to happen to him . . . at least he will die a hero’s death.” She sighed and looked back into Otacon’s eyes. “I want you to be? the technical advisor on this mission. You know Metal Gears better than anyone out there. Oh, and we’re also bringing in Sunny.”
“Sunny?” he asked in surprise. “But she can’t be any older than seventeen.”
“Trust me, she’s fully capable.”
Otacon pushed his glasses back into place and stared intently at Meryl. “So, when do we begin?”
Never played the Metal Gear games or actually seen/read anything related to it, so I don't really know what to tell you character/plot-wise. But from what I read, I got a good bit of understanding of both Otacon and Meryl's personalities, how they think, etc. Which is really good, considering this is only the prologue.
I think I got most of the mistakes (both spelling and grammar wise) but I might have missed one or two, so I recommend going back through and trying to find any others.
The plot, for what I can tell, is already pretty clearly outlined. Or, at least some of it. This can be viewed as both good and bad. Giving away too much of your plot too early on can cause your readers to lose interest. But I'll leave that to you to decide whether you want to reveal as much as you did or not. I don't think it's too terribly much, but it might be close to the fine line. So just be careful. 
Very nice. Easy to read and understand, but it keeps you interested and wondering. Good. Keep it up. I'll definitely check back for more.
-Ari |
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Keiraan
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: |
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It's got a good catch to it. I've been a Metal Gear fan for 8 years now; hooked when I first played Solid 1. The beginning was good but as was said earlier I think it needs a bit more sensory detail. I didn't see much else other than some spelling/grammar errors that were already corrected by everyone else.
Good luck with the story I really hope it turns out well and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. |
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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i hope you can continue this story. I've only recently got into Metal Gear Solid but now i'm a huge fan. The ending of the fourth game was kind of amazing and dissappointing at the same time so it's nice to see someone continue the story (even if you had to kill off snake to do it).
Great start and I hope you can carry on this new chapter of the story.
k |
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