Topic ID: 33443
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
earthgoddess
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 1
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 6:17 am Post subject: I am she whom thou love |
 |
|
It kills me inside knowing,
All that he is
And feeling, how none of it belongs to me.
His head rests
Not against me heart,
Though I wish it to be so.
His dreams lean on another girl
Somewhere, far off, he has yet to meet her.
His mind dances against another road
Drifting and swaying, onto thoughts of her
If only I could redirect them, and steal their paths way.
An armslength away, I can almost touch him
But his heart is cold when it's feel, drifts to me.
His soul,
Is for her.
But he doesn’t know, that really she is me,
I’m here and I’m real, She’s merely someone I’ve created.
I can make him love her, but not me.
She’s a fake, Made up, Shes all dramas,
I’m the one he’s really wanting
I the one whom through anothers eyes, he can truely see.
Yet who I am...Is just not quite enough for him to love, If I be me. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
carelessaussie13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 311
Reviews: 167
Country: Wouldn't you like to know
293 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: Re: I am she whom thou love |
|
|
Edits/Comments/Suggestions in red
| earthgoddess wrote: |
It kills me inside knowing, (remove comma, remove "inside")
All that he is (try "How beautiful he is)
And feeling, how none of it belongs to me. (try "And knowing how none of it belongs to me")
His head rests
Not against me heart,
Though I wish it to be so. (try "I only wish for his head to rest against my heart")
His dreams lean on another girl (this is beautiful)
Somewhere, far off, he has yet to meet her. (try "Although he has yet to meet her")
His mind dances against another road (try "His feet lead him down some other road")
Drifting and swaying, onto thoughts of her (try "He drifts and sways with thoughts of her")
If only I could redirect them, and steal their paths way. (try "I ache to steal his thoughts back to me")
An armslength away, I can almost touch him (try "I can almost touch him he lies so close")
But his heart is cold when it's feel, drifts to me. (try "But his heart has turned away from me, brooding")
His soul,
Is for her. (This only needs to be one line, remove the comma)
But he doesn’t know, that really she is me, (try "He won't believe that I am the one he loves")
I’m here and I’m real, She’s merely someone I’ve created. (try "That I am here and she is naught but dreamstuff")
I can make him love her, but not me. (try "I can make him love some other soul, but to mine he remains immune)
She’s a fake, Made up, Shes all dramas, (try "her falsity and her drams repulses me")
I’m the one he’s really wanting ("He doesn't want me,")
I the one whom through anothers eyes, he can truely see. (He sees me through her, sees me in her heart)
Yet who I am...Is just not quite enough for him to love, If I be me. (" yet myself, just me, is not enough.") |
|
_________________
Everybody looks busy. Is something going on I don't know about? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jay
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 97
Reviews: 43
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| It took me a while to figure out what the poem was saying but once I got it I thought it was a great idea expressed in a creative way. I take it the narrator is putting on an act to get the attention of a boy, but she really wants to be comfortable being herself around him? It's a very powerful and thoughtful poem. |
_________________
Visit me at www.cutecritic.blog.co.nz |
|
| Back to top |
|
sezPez
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
| The rhythm irked me a little, especially since the second and third stanzas were verbose compared to the first one. Try adjusting your sentence lengths and the beat of the poem. I like the concept, but it feels like this needs to be a tiny bit more figurative, to put more oomph into it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
