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This thread was created on July 5, 2008
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A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3
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Krupp
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 Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3 |
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| A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home': |
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colourless-rainbow
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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oh this is great.
I'm loving it.
There were a few bits that felt too wordy, and I still feel that you need to settle on how your individual characters speak. Some of the time one of them with say "ya" and then other times they say "you."
There were also a few clumsy wordings but I've altered them in the attachment.
Really, it's a great piece, and I'm hooked.
It just needs a bit of tightening up in places.  |
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Krupp
Novelist
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Much obliged. I'll keep that in mind when a new part gets put out... |
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spaced_out
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I had no idea what to change, so I'll tell it to you like it is.
first.
you had lots of things you should have.
You got all the basic stuff.
2ND.
what you need is more action, adventure, FUN.
then if you heed me advise, you may be well on your way to creating this GREAT story.
MATT |
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CastlesInTheSky
to sleep, perchance to dream.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: Re: A Foggy Glass: Chapter 3 |
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| Krupp wrote: |
| A vague topic description, but it will make sense as you read the chapter anyway. Picks up from where the first two chapters leave off. Michael Bane is going to what he considers to be his 'home': |
I loved it. |
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| This thread was created on July 5, 2008 |
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Bartemius says, Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot
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