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hannahh.
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 Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:41 am Post subject: Oliver; unexplainable. |
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this isnt done... not close. i just started writing and this came out. this is not wher i would start the book i will turn this into... but here it goes...
“Lily?” Oliver called up the stairs politely.
“Almost ready I swear. I just have to… oh well I can’t wear that… sorry, I’ll be right there.” Oliver chuckled.
“It’s no problem take as long as you need.” He sat down on my couch next to Dad.
“Oh, hey Oliver, what do you want to watch? She’ll be a while.”
“I’m right here!” I said as I stumbled down the stairs. As I was about to fall over the last few Oliver got up and ran over to catch me. My dad laughed and made some comment about “saving him a trip to the ER”. I tried to look offended but I was overtaken by the feeling of Oliver’s hands around my waist. No, I don’t like you, I thought to myself as I shrugged him off. Oliver quickly went outside and started the car.
“Don’t stay out to late, don’t have sex, don’t do drugs, and don’t die… got it?” my dad said.
“Wait what did you say? Go out all night and get drunk and pregnant? If you insist…”
“Very funny.” I stuck out my tongue and left. When I got into the car I turned to Oliver… “So, where are you taking me? I mean you said it was a surprise but…” He looked at me and smirked.
“You’ll see.” I went to punch his arm but he caught my fist midair.
“Someday the nice men in white coats are going to come and take you away you know. You’ll become a lab rat that they study for his fast reflexes. Then after all the testing they will conclude your mother was a cat or something.” He found this amusing.
“A cat?”
“Yes, a cat. Well, okay, maybe not a cat. But what other animal has really creepily fast reflexes?”
“An elf?” He joked.
“An elf…” I said thinking… “that could work… I think you’re an elf!” He laughed and I went to punch him again. This time he let me. We pulled into his driveway and I hopped out of the car. “Oh! Your house! Oh my gosh am I ever surprised!” I giggled and skipped to the door. Once inside and safely hidden in his room I pulled out my video camera.
“What you got there?” Oliver questioned, taking it from my hands.
“Well, you said it was a surprise and I wanted to make sure I had it on video tape in case it involves my murder or something.”
“Aww. You got me. Yes, that’s why I have taken you here… to kill you.” He laughed and put the camera on the top shelf in his closet which he knew I couldn’t reach. “We are only here for a pit stop.” He said as he started going through the papers on his desk. He picked one out and quickly folded it and tucked it into his back pocket before I could make out what it was of. We were back in the car and on the road again in no time.
We slowed down and I looked out the window. We were in the middle of the woods… literally. There was no road behind us, only a dense forest of trees.
“Well, that’s quite a trick. How did you manage that one?”
“Oh, I have my ways.” He said, laughing at me.
We got out of the truck and he started walking. I followed him as he continued to walk in and out of trees, seemingly pointlessly. This kept up for about 10 minutes before I got bored.
“Hey! Oliver! You gonna stop soon?”
“Yes.” Was all he said as he kept walking. After about another 20 minutes he stopped abruptly, so abruptly in fact that I ran into him.
“Ouch!” I yelped. “I’m getting you break lights for Christmas.”
“We’re out far enough now; there is no way they will hear us. Go and sit on that log over there.” Blanking out on any snappy comebacks on why he shouldn’t boss me around, I walked to the log with my arms crossed. It was a bit damp from the rain the previous night but I plopped down on it anyway. Oliver turned away from me and walked a bit farther. Suddenly he started to shake, not a shiver, but a full on body tremble. I was freaked out; scared into my place on the log, not daring to move.
“…Oliver?” I managed to squeak out. He heard his name and slowly began to turn around. As soon as I saw his face I fell backwards off the log, too stunned to think. Suddenly Oliver was there catching me inches before the ground. He helped me up back onto the log and sat next to me in silence. He had morphed somehow, changed. From the gangly awkward kid I knew… to this tall, muscular, handsome… man.
Slowly I reached out and touched his cheek. It was different, colder. I pushed his hair back off his face and moved my hand to his ear. I traced its edge with my fingertip, feeling the point at the top. I moved my hand back onto my lap and looked into his eyes. They had changed too. The dull grey color had left, and an almost mesmerizing emerald green had replaced it. He took my hand cautiously and put it to his chest. I could feel his newly formed muscles through the shirt. Forcing myself to think, I realized why he’d done this; he didn’t have a heartbeat. I gasped, and surprised, he dropped my hand.
“An… an elf?” I asked, though I knew the answer.
I had heard rumors. Everyone had. This was the place where the elves still existed, the one place in the world where they still lived. As children we were told the fairytales, the folklore about the elves. As teens we were told to stop looking for them, that it was only a story and none of it was true. But still, there were those that believed. There were those that believed the stories. I did. I believed that living among us were these creatures; these beautiful creatures that hid their identity from us. They hid their beauty. This beauty unmatched by any human, and I was looking at one right now, I could feel it.
“Yes.” He whispered. I felt his whisper on the back of my neck, and down my spine. I shivered. In one fluid motion he shook of his coat and slipped it over my shoulders. But, still waiting for me to panic and run he quickly retook his position; stiff, looking straight ahead. I touched his face again pulling it towards me, making him look at me.
“You have no idea how cool that is!” I said laughing, hoping to lighten his mood. It worked. He smiled. That was the one thing remained unchanged… his crooked smile. Even as my gawky dorky best friend his smile could melt my heart.
“I am putting you in danger, telling you all this. But I have to. I love you Lily, and as an… elf… we only love one person, ever, in our lives. There is one person we are made for.” As I heard these words I felt a surge of feelings. Feelings I had been suppressing for as long as I could remember.
“Oh god. Oliver, I have always lov…” I was cut short by his kiss. His cold lips pressed hard against mine and sent chills down my spine, yet it warmed my whole body. I kissed him back with more passion then I thought possible. I never wanted to let him go. Too soon he pulled away, and only when he set me down on the log again did I realize he had been holding me in the air. Slowly he took out the piece of paper he had earlier stuffed into his pocket.
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:06 am Post subject: |
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This was...interesting. I must say it is not only a cliche.
CHARACTERS: I was actually impressed with the differentiation of the characters because, often, in a story like this, the characters sound almost exactly the same. You did a genuine job on the dialogue and it encouraged me to read the rest. Unfortunately, although the characters were not completely flat, they also weren't entirely your characters. They seemed a little contrived and stolen. And they didn't appreciate it. Ask yourself some questions about their personalities. What makes them different from all the other 'just figuring out they like eachother' couples? What quirks or oddities do they carry around in their UNIQUE heads? What are their inside jokes and what makes the reader want to know more about them? Flirting isn't enough.
You really moved too fast, character-wise, to make Oliver suddenly 'transform' into an elf. (I was a little confused about that since I've never heard of elves 'transforming' like the...transformers.) To make that moment intriguing and awesome, we need to care about the characters and know them better. And, a side note, have you read Twilight? I'm going to guess on a yes. Whenever an author describes a character as 'tall and muscular' I am instantly turned off to the story. If you want us to know that's what he looks like, use other words please. It sounded like Edward had just hijacked your character.
DESCRIPTION/PLOT: There isn't really enough description. We need to be able to feel, smell, see, and hear everything that is going on. What does the house look like? What does Lily look like when she comes down the stairs? What does her dad look like and what does Oliver look like next to him? What does the house look like and the car and Oliver's house and the road they drive down and the forest? You get what I mean.
Like I said above, the plot was shaky because it is sounding more and more like a Twilight clone. What is compelling about another 'super hot guy' romance? If you want to make it work, you're going to have to make it way different. WAY DIFFERENT. Work on your imagination. Read other books that are not just found in the teen section. You will be surprised by how good Jane Austen can sound when Stephenie Meyer is suffocating the world.
Anyway, there were a few punctuation problems but they were really more of a 'proof-readable' kind of fix--and I hate nit-picking. At very worst, your imitation was LOADS better than anothers I've read, and at best, you are contriving a totally new twist on a boring story and, with a little more help from others on the site, it will be wonderful.
Good job and KEEP READING AND WRITING. (Reading is the one true road to becoming a good writer. The same way the Catholic Church is the one true way of being a good Christian. Haha.)
PS. Please refrain from throwing out capitalization, spelling, punctuation and/or sense even in authors notes. Your little beginning preface was terribly confusing. |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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The banter between the characters was my favorite part, I must say. It was really nice. The main nitpick critique I had was that sometimes it was hard to see who was speaking when, because of the dialogue tags, or lack of.
| Quote: |
| “Almost ready I swear. I just have to… oh well I can’t wear that… sorry, I’ll be right there.” Oliver chuckled. |
I'm assuming here that the MC is saying the dialogue and Oliver is chuckling in response to what she said. You should either break this up so that "Oliver chuckled" doesn't follow directly afterward, or you could just slip in a dialogue tag.
'"...sorry, I'll be right there," I shouted through my door. Oliver chuckled.'
| Quote: |
“Wait what did you say? Go out all night and get drunk and pregnant? If you insist…”
“Very funny.” I stuck out my tongue and left. |
'K, here, I wasn't quite sure who was speaking the first line. Was it the MC? And the next was her father? For some reason, however, since she was sticking out her tongue, I got the idea that Oliver was saying the whole "stay out all night" line and MC was the second line, since her action is right after it. However, Oliver can't very well get pregnant (*shifty eyes*), so I guess that was the MC speaking at first. I'd clear up this confusion by breaking that up a bit.
'"Wait,(by the way, there's a comma there) what did you say? Go out all night and get drunk and pregnant? If you insist..." I started to flounce out the door.
"Very funny," my dad retorted, but he was smiling.
I stuck out my tongue and left.'
Better, see?
About the whole elf thing: I liked how you sort of foreshadowed his transformation by having him joke about elves, but it comes off a little contrived. I mean, an elf isn't exactly an animal, is it? And the MC specifically asked for another animal with fast reflexes. Plus, the reader instantly knows that sooner or later he is going to be an elf and so the surprise is kind of lost. This kind of thing has been done so many times that it is hard to do it originally in a way that is fresh to the audience.
On that note, does it really have to be in the woods? Picking up on CI's review above me and comparing your piece to 'Twilight', I could see the resemblance, and it carries on to many other fantasy novels, though I can't specifically think of any at the moment. The woods are a great place, don't get me wrong. But it has been used as a place of revelations so often that it is kind of ruined. (I myself have used it in my own past experiences.) Maybe a less conventional place, like the back corner of a club or Oliver's house or something.
And yes, the whole "elf thing and falling in love" seems a little fast. You yourself say that this might not be the beginning. I would recommend that we get to know the characters a little bit better before the elf thing comes into question. I assumed from the beginning that the two were romantically inclined towards one another. I didn't catch that they were best friends. So when the MC talks about the feelings she suppressed, I was confused. I'd take the time to show their relationship and hint that MC has feelings for Oliver. Maybe she gets nervous when she first sees him, or stares at him when he's not looking at her or something, but she's totally denying it, since he's her best friend and all. I'm not a teen fic author and I've never been in this kind of situation, so I don't know how to quite write that out without it sounding cheesy, but you write well enough to pull it off. I must say again that I love your dialogue. It really adds to the characters.
Anyway, keep it up. I think that you could turn this into something really cool and original. I'd like to see what you do with it.
*thumbs up* Good luck!
~GryphonFledgling |
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strawberry saliva
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my goodness! i have to admit; that is the best story i have ever read in the romantic fiction category.
Even my own stuff isn't that good.
Wow!!
i can't wait for the next part.
i mean it!! |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, well it's a nice romance, don't get me wrong, but your interpretation of elves is drastically close to Stephenie Meyer's interpretation of vampires...be careful to stay true to your craft. It bothers me that...you know...it's so close. However, don't get me wrong, the only reason I can say this is because your main character seems similar to hers...and even Oliver, though in a different position, is reminiscent of Edward. The main character's reaction to Oliver is ALSO quite similar. So....I don't know what to say to you. I'm pretty sure what you did was unintentional, and I hope you've never read the Twilight Series for my better judgment, but it seems as if this is a case of what you're reading affecting what you're writing. Anyway, I think character development is too shallow, and I know since it's new it'll be more developed later, but all i see are these reminiscent characters and nothing else. As for the story, well...eh, put her in danger like Bella I suppose? I don't know. Honestly, this is too similar. Change it up please, just so you don't get caught in Meyer's shadow (which isn't even that big). I do stuff like that when i read at times, and you MUST BREAK AWAY. I mean, it's bad that I am reading your work and thinking of someone else and not just your work. You should be very selfish when concerning your readers. They should think of only your novels and no one Else's, got it?
Ah, and please, do what you can about the ellipses, they're killing me. Think of ellipses as HUGE GAPING PAUSES and when you make a reader have a HUGE GAPING PAUSE, they usually loose interest in the story. It's like me reading a story, then taking a break, eating a chicken dinner, watching some television, and coming back to bit a week later and reading...I'm gonna have to re-read AND read through the gap faster anyway. So don't use them willy nilly like.
I did like them when a character is talking and starts trailing off (and put at the end of a sentence, not in the middle to confuse people) because it's a valid place to put 'em.
Especially if some character is smirking at them. 
Good job though, but be VERY VERY CAREFUL. |
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hannahh.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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I do agree with most of you that this resembles Stephanie Meyer's work, but this is just a passage from the middle. This is not the beginning. Both characters starting from the actualy beginnning will evolve into their own unique un-bella/edward like people. This also explains the character developement or lack there of.
thanks for all the good critique though. its really helpful.
as for any new readers who read this after i post this. if you could refrain from purly telling me how it is copying other books i'd love that. it isn't. i wasn't even thinking of Twilight when i wrote this. unfortunatly other people are... bur i shall fix that. so no need to keep telling me. =].
as for my elipses... sorry. but i love them. it is how i write... and speak. even in this brief post i over use them. but thank you for saying that. now that i notice they are oobvious to people i will watch my use of them and try to keep them at the end of sentances and to sentances where they really make a good point. |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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Everyone has already mentioned that this resembles the Twilight series, you get the picture, but that's what I was reminded of the whole time reading it. But, anyway, I really liked it. It was charming, I really liked Lily, she was smart and sassy and independent. And Oliver was the believable kind of charming, like guys you really know. I want to see more! I apologize for my lack of grammar checking ability, I'm usually only able to focus on the actual story.
Happy writing,
Shannon |
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Monki
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 5:17 am Post subject: |
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Heya! Okay, here's how I'm going to critique this. Your writing will be in italics and mine will be in bold.  Kay? Kay.
And, here we go:
“Almost ready I swear. I just have to… oh well I can’t wear that… sorry, I’ll be right there.” Oliver chuckled.
Ick! Too smooshed together! That's the only way that I know how to put it... It's like she's saying everything in one breath, really quickly. Give her a rest. And, as you've already said, too many 'stand-alones', as I like to call them. You know, where you go: ... Yeah, don't over-use that. Truth be told, it kind of confuses me.  Anyway, the part where you say, 'Oliver chuckled.' also confused me. At first, I thought it was Oliver talking because you said, 'Oliver chuckled.' at the end. Then, I understood that it was Lily. Be careful about that. Also, I'm a grammar/punctuation/spelling freak, so pardon me, but there should definitely be a comma between the words 'ready' and 'I'. And another comma between the words 'well' and 'I'. Lol.
“It’s no problem take as long as you need.” He sat down on my couch next to Dad.
Eepers! Sorry, again, about being so harsh, but I'd put a semi-colon after the word 'problem'. And I feel that the word 'my' (that I bolded), should be changed to 'the'. It would sound better and not sound so possessive, as if it's Lily's possession.
My dad laughed and made some comment about “saving him a trip to the ER”.
I absolutely adored this part! It made it humorous and less tense. That's a definite plus.
“Don’t stay out to late, don’t have sex, don’t do drugs, and don’t die… got it?” my dad said.
“Wait what did you say? Go out all night and get drunk and pregnant? If you insist…”
One of my favorite parts of this whole thing. XD My dad and I actually had the EXACT same conversation once before, give or take a few words, when I went out with my first boyfriend. That's so funny (and coincidental)!
He picked one out and quickly folded it and tucked it into his back pocket before I could make out what it was of.
I don't like the use of the word 'of' in this particular sentence. It just makes the whole sentence sound... screwy. Just take out the word 'of' and it would be perfect.
“Oh, I have my ways.” He said, laughing at me.
I don't know if you know this rule, but for future reference, in sentences like these, instead of a period after the word 'ways', it should be a comma. Unless the punctuation mark is an exclamation point or a question mark, always use a comma. Unless you don't put: 'He said, laughing at me.' If it were just: "Oh, I have my ways." then it would be a period. Kind of complicated, I know. You'll learn.
“We’re out far enough now; there is no way they will hear us. Go and sit on that log over there.” Blanking out on any snappy comebacks on why he shouldn’t boss me around, I walked to the log with my arms crossed. It was a bit damp from the rain the previous night but I plopped down on it anyway. Oliver turned away from me and walked a bit farther. Suddenly he started to shake, not a shiver, but a full on body tremble. I was freaked out; scared into my place on the log, not daring to move.
“…Oliver?” I managed to squeak out. He heard his name and slowly began to turn around. As soon as I saw his face I fell backwards off the log, too stunned to think. Suddenly Oliver was there catching me inches before the ground. He helped me up back onto the log and sat next to me in silence. He had morphed somehow, changed. From the gangly awkward kid I knew… to this tall, muscular, handsome… man.
Slowly I reached out and touched his cheek. It was different, colder. I pushed his hair back off his face and moved my hand to his ear. I traced its edge with my fingertip, feeling the point at the top. I moved my hand back onto my lap and looked into his eyes. They had changed too. The dull grey color had left, and an almost mesmerizing emerald green had replaced it. He took my hand cautiously and put it to his chest. I could feel his newly formed muscles through the shirt. Forcing myself to think, I realized why he’d done this; he didn’t have a heartbeat. I gasped, and surprised, he dropped my hand.
“An… an elf?” I asked, though I knew the answer.
I had heard rumors. Everyone had. This was the place where the elves still existed, the one place in the world where they still lived. As children we were told the fairytales, the folklore about the elves. As teens we were told to stop looking for them, that it was only a story and none of it was true. But still, there were those that believed. There were those that believed the stories. I did. I believed that living among us were these creatures; these beautiful creatures that hid their identity from us. They hid their beauty. This beauty unmatched by any human, and I was looking at one right now, I could feel it.
Okay, I'm going to stop pointing out grammar/punctuation/spelling flaws now. The fact of the matter is, this is very unrealistic. I mean, of course, it's your story, and it's up to you whether unrealism is what you want to do, but personally, I hate stories that are not realistic; stories that are not believable make my head spin and make me want to stop reading. Some may like it, but I'm just saying, I don't.  Sorry. BUT, on the other hand, you have great description throughout this whole passage. So, something good did come of this.
“An… an elf?” I asked, though I knew the answer.
I had heard rumors. Everyone had. This was the place where the elves still existed, the one place in the world where they still lived. As children we were told the fairytales, the folklore about the elves. As teens we were told to stop looking for them, that it was only a story and none of it was true. But still, there were those that believed. There were those that believed the stories. I did. I believed that living among us were these creatures; these beautiful creatures that hid their identity from us. They hid their beauty. This beauty unmatched by any human, and I was looking at one right now, I could feel it.
“Yes.” He whispered. I felt his whisper on the back of my neck, and down my spine. I shivered. In one fluid motion he shook of his coat and slipped it over my shoulders. But, still waiting for me to panic and run he quickly retook his position; stiff, looking straight ahead. I touched his face again pulling it towards me, making him look at me.
You have no idea how hard I was laughing when I read the first sentence! An elf? At first it was kind of funny, 'cause, you know, elves do tend to be funny. But, then I read the rest. It is a tad bit cliche' (as is everything that I write, unfortunately), but fairly good.
“You have no idea how cool that is!” I said laughing, hoping to lighten his mood. It worked. He smiled. That was the one thing remained unchanged… his crooked smile. Even as my gawky dorky best friend his smile could melt my heart.
“I am putting you in danger, telling you all this. But I have to. I love you Lily, and as an… elf… we only love one person, ever, in our lives. There is one person we are made for.” As I heard these words I felt a surge of feelings. Feelings I had been suppressing for as long as I could remember.
“Oh god. Oliver, I have always lov…” I was cut short by his kiss. His cold lips pressed hard against mine and sent chills down my spine, yet it warmed my whole body. I kissed him back with more passion then I thought possible. I never wanted to let him go. Too soon he pulled away, and only when he set me down on the log again did I realize he had been holding me in the air. Slowly he took out the piece of paper he had earlier stuffed into his pocket.
I'm so sorry for saying this, but... you do not know how bad I wanted to print out this story, just to rip it up, shred it to pieces, burn it, poke holes in it! Anything to get this madness to stop! Why so unrealistic? Why?! I quite enjoyed it up until now! SO unrealistic! It broke my heart! Lol. If I were Lily, I would have been shocked, stunned, maybe even fainted. I wouldn't have tried to 'lighten his mood'! And the part where he says: 'I am putting you in danger, telling you all this. But I have to. I love you Lily, blah blah blah blah blah!' It annoyed me so much how unrealistic this was. But, if it's your style, so be it. *sighs* However, again, very well written and good description.
So, I have a few extra comments! So, here they are:
I. GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION, OH MY!
Okay, so, obviously, I'm really, really harsh when it comes to these three components. But seriously, who wants to read a story full of mistakes? It's much easier on the eyes (not to mention, impressive) when there is little or no mistakes in your writing for others to edit for you. It makes them want to critique your work even more, so that they have to try to find flaws instead of seeing them left and right! We want a challenge!
So, you work on that, and I'll work on my obsession over nit-picky things like these. 
II. FLOW, FLOW, FLOW YOUR BOAT
So, let's talk about your flow. The flow in this piece was a bit... off. You know how when you're in a canoe or a raft, and you're trying to paddle the boat left, but it insists on going off to the right? That's how I felt.
I was trying so hard to make everything flow well as I read this; trying to make it sound not so smooshed together, forced to flow, but it was just too hard, and finally I had to give up and read this how it was really written. Needless to say, there are some spots that the flow needs to be worked on. For instance, the second sentence. Eep. Definitely work on the flow there. There are other spots, and if you read this aloud, you will find those spots, and it will be that much easier to edit if you get around to editing.
III. PRACTICALITY = THE KEY TO MY HEART!
Lol. Now, I know I mentioned realism so much as I edited this. And I'm sorry to bring it up again. It just bothered me that this piece was so good, but was ruined by the unrealism. Alrighty, here goes my rant on practicality.
Okay, so, practicality is basically what most readers are looking for. Something to make them say, "Woah. That could happen to anyone. That could happen... to me." That's what we, readers, are looking for in a good piece. Your piece screams, "If you're looking for a practical read, something to make you wonder if it could really happen, click that back arrow, go back to that forumn, and pick another piece, because I am so impractical, that Stephanie Meyer would have a hard time making me realistic!!!" Yes, bad. Very, very bad!
Now, I know everyone has mentioned that this reminds them of the Twilight Saga. I don't understand that. Besides the parts where he catches her swiftly when she's about to fall and the part where he's gorgeous, I don't see any resemblance. There are plenty of other books with those same components that were written even before the Twilight Saga. Don't worry; you're good.
With that being said, I'd like to state an obvious fact known by the Twilight Saga fans: Stephanie Meyer could make Barney realistic. She could seriously make me think Barney is real; that he's a big purple, green, loving dinosaur that lives just up the street in a big house with his little sister and D.J. (Don't ask me why I know that.) But, I don't think she could make this realistic, because really, there's nothing realistic about elves. No one believes in elves. The only reason Twilight was even slightly practical was because some people actually do believe in vampires already. See? I see that you're trying to venture into something that no one else has written about, so as not to come off as cliche', but I think that's the reason no one writes about elves; they're not realistic. There is nothing even slightly practical or believable about them. Bad news for you.
So, now you know why I had such an issue with this, no? Yes? Good! Glad to see you understand where I'm coming from! :laugh:
IV. AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
Wow! O.o First you had me all giddy, wondering what they were gonna do! Then, you had me all giggly and girly and excited. Then, when he got the note from his house, I wondered if he was planning on hurting her. When they went to the woods, I started freaking out, thinking he was going to murder her or do something to her. And when they kissed... KABOOM! The fireworks and lights and such went off inside my head and I couldn't stop smiling! You had me on an emotional roller coaster; that's a good thing. I love it. If your reader has those kinds of emotions for your characters, that should tell you that you're doing something right.
V. "DUDE, DID YOU JUST STAMP YOUR FOOT? I THOUGHT GIRLS ONLY DID THAT ON TV!" {DIALOGUE}
So, your dialogue. I liked how you described how they spoke. And it was never only a five-second conversation, which I tend to do a lot. It was really good. And you didn't use the words 'dude' or 'man' or even 'woah', which I despise so much... Good job. I really have nothing to say about your dialogue, except that it was wonderfully written.
VI. AW! YOUR CHARACTERS ARE GROWING UP! {CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT}
Alright, so we know a bit about your characters personalities. But, what about how they look? Well, we know a bit about what Oliver looks like, but what about Lily? Does she have stunning facial features, slight curves that are accented by almost all of her jeans? We have to know your characters before we can feel for them!
How about some more of their personalities? We know that Lily can be a smart-ass with her dad. But, she always seems so sweet and gentle with Oliver. Is it just a show for him; does he think she's just sweet in general, all the time? Or does he know her enough to know that she can get a little impractical, power-hungry, and bossy?
If YOU want to get to know your children (characters) better, why don't you use a Character Profile? Here's a link to one that I used to use: http://fc05.deviantart.com/fs28/f/2008/179/d/4/Character_Profile_Outline_by_KittyFelone.html
I tend to not need to use a Character Profile sheet anymore, 'cause I'm just good like that. Lmao. Just kiddin'!
VII. DESCRIPTION, PRESCRIPTION, INSCRIPTION
Had to think of stuff that rhymed with 'description'. Lol. Anyway, as I told you, your description is given wonderfully. Some places were a bit dull, and I think they could have been prolonged so that you would have a longer story, but it's okay. You did well.
Although, we didn't get a description, in detail, of the setting, time and place, etc.. That disappointed me. I wish to see if you are as good at describing setting as you are the actual scenes. Get to editing!
VIII. IMAGERY - IT'S LIKE A LITTLE TV IN MY HEAD!
Dude! I read this, and for every 'scene' it was like a little movie playing in my head! I saw Oliver sitting on the couch with Lily's dad, waiting for her. Then I saw them at his house, in his room. Then in the woods, kissing. It was amazing! Like, just a huge shock! But, at the end (damn cliff-hangers!), it was like, the power shut off, 'cause you left me hanging! You need to extend on this!
IX. HOCUS, POCUS, IT'S ALL ABOUT FOCUS
Okay, so, you focused throughout this whole piece. There was never a time where you kind of zoned off and started talking about something else. Never! I was pretty impressed. I tend to do that sometimes. Just every once in a while, you know?
But, just so you know, it's okay if the character rambles on about something, doesn't focus on the task at hand. In fact, I find it hilarious, and I'm sure other readers do too. I love it when they should be doing something, and then they get in trouble because they were ranting, or rambling, or doing something else instead of what they should have been doing all along!
X. OVERALL
Overall: 86/100
It was too short for me to be able to give you a high rating (which I wanted to so very badly) in addition to some of the flaws and misinterpretations that I pointed out. So, if you ever decide to edit this or extend (I hope you do!), please PM me! I'd love to re-edit and help you out with this. It has great potential. Really, it does.
<3,
Monki |
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"I said I love you and I swear I still do. - "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback |
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hannahh.
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 5
Country: Wherever life takes me.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:10 am Post subject: |
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OKAY MY AUTHORS NOTES ARE HERE BY IN CAPS JUS FOR FUTURE REFERENCE.
THIS IS A TOTAL REMAKE OF MY ORIGINAL STORY. I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO EXTEND ON. PLEASE REVIEW!!! THANKS!!!
P.S I KNOW MY GRAMMAR AND EDITING SUCK. SORRY. IM NOT GOOD AT THAT.
“Lily?” Oliver called up the stairs politely.
“Almost ready, I swear. I just have to, well, hold on.” I called down the stairs. “Sorry, I’ll be right there.” Oliver chuckled in response.
“It’s no problem; take as long as you need.” He said, sitting down on the couch next to Dad.
“Oh, hey Oliver! What would you like to watch?” He asked jokingly. “she’ll be awhile.”
“I’m right here!” I said running down the stairs; as I was about to fall over the last few when Oliver quickly got up to help me down them.
“What are we going to do with you?” Oliver joked as he came over to help me up. My dad laughed and made some comment about “saving him a trip to the ER”. I ignored it, Instead concentrating on Oliver’s hand. Ever since I had realized I liked him I over analyzed everything. Don’t take his hand with any emotion. Use it to get up, and then let go. No lingering. Once I was standing I shook off the moment and directed an offended look towards my dad.
“I’m fine.” I stated trying to look convincing.
“See you later Mr. B” Oliver hollered heading outside to start the car.
“Bye.” My dad yelled back. “Now, remember, don’t stay out late, don’t have sex, don’t do drugs, and most importantly, don’t die… got it?” my dad said.
"Wait, what did you say? Go out all night, get drunk and pregnant and then get hit by a car? If you insist..." I started to head for the door.
"Very funny," my dad retorted. “See you at 12!” I stuck out my tongue and left.
When I got into the car I turned to Oliver and asked, “So, where are you taking me? I mean you said it was a surprise but…”
“You’ll see,” was all he responded with. I went to punch his arm but he caught my fist midair.
“Someday the nice men in white coats are going to come and take you away, you know. You’ll become a lab rat that they study for his fast reflexes. Then after all the testing they will conclude your mother was a cat or something.” I stated blatantly. He seemed to find this amusing.
“A cat?” He asked curiously.
“Yes, a cat. Well, okay, maybe not a cat. But what other animal has really creepily fast reflexes?”
“I can’t think of any. You must be right then, I’m a cat.” He said.
“Humph.” I turned to the front and pouted.
“Aw, Lily, don’t be a sour puss.” Oliver complained. “You’re not the one who’s a cat, remember?” He thought this was hilarious so I went to punch him again. This time he let me.
“Someday you are going to realize that you shouldn’t have been teasing me all these years. Someday you’ll learn I have, like, super powers or something and I can kick your butt!” I threatened. He laughed and said we were there. When he had stopped the car I hopped out.
“Just you wait Mister. When that day comes you’re toast! Dead meat! You’ll be pushing daisi…” I stopped suddenly realizing my surroundings. “Your house! Seriously? Oh my gosh, am I ever surprised!” I giggled and skipped to the door. I said hello to his mom and jumped up the stairs to Oliver’s room taking out my camera.
“What you got there?” Oliver questioned, taking it from my hands.
“Well, you said it was a surprise and I wanted to make sure I had it on film in case it involves my murder or something.” I defended.
“Aw darn! You got me. Yes, that’s why I have taken you here… to kill you.” He laughed and put the camera on the top shelf in his closet which he knew I couldn’t reach. “We are only here for a pit stop.” He said as he started going through the papers on his desk. I got up off his bed and tried to get my camera down.
“You know Mister 6’ 2”, you don’t have to rub it in my face that I’m short.” I told him as I stretched my arms in the direction of the shelf. My fingertips were still about 4 inches to low. I sighed and walked back to the bed.
“What are you looking for?” I asked him nosily.
“The directions.” He replied. “I had them here a little while ago and…” He picked up his backpack and started digging through the books and folders it held. I tried to focus hard on something else, anything else, but I couldn’t help staring at him. He was so perfect; his eyes, his lips. Oh how I wish I could kiss those lips…
“Got it!” Oliver exclaimed, turning suddenly, catching me mid-stare.
“Good, let’s go.” I mumbled quickly, hoping he wouldn’t think anything of the fact I had been looking at him. Once in the car I closed my eyes and began day dreaming, not really caring where we went. It was only when we began to slow down that I looked out the window.
“Well, that’s quite a trick. How did you manage that one?” I asked surprised as I read the sign saying “Welcome to Massachusetts”.
“Oh, I have my ways.” He said mysteriously. “That… that and you fell asleep for about 5 hours there in the middle.” He smirked.
“We are in Massachusetts. “ I stated, still trying to shake of the last bit of sleepiness. “WE ARE IN MASSACHUSTTS!” I yelled, it finally setting in. “What about Dad?” I asked. “Curfew! We will never make it back in time! What time is it?!” I was beginning to panic.
“Lily, everything is okay. I promise. Your dad knew of my plan days before we left. You’re fine.” Oliver replied calmly. I sighed and scrunched into a ball in my seat.
“Whatever,” I said frustrated. “Just wake me up when you have food.” With that last remark I tried my best to find my way back to sleep.
“Lily? Lily, we’re here.” Oliver shook me slightly and I woke easily from a light doze but I stayed still. “Lily? Lily? Wake up! I have food!
“I’m going to go inside to go to the bathroom, please eat Lily. I know you hate me, but please eat.” I sat still until I heard the car door open and close again.
Slowly, I Un-scrunched and stretched me legs and arms as far as possible in a compact car. I looked around for signs of this “food” Oliver had talked about. Bingo; A Wendy’s bag. Oliver did know me well. I opened it and took out a thing of French fries.
As I ate them I began to think about why Oliver could have possibly brought me here.
“I knew you were hungry!” Oliver exclaimed as he got back into the car. “I got you a baked potato just like you like too.” I rummaged through the bag for it and once I had gotten a taste of it I turned to Oliver.
“You have got to explain yourself some time, you know that right?” I told him bluntly. I was sick of these games.
“Can you trust me on one more thing first?” Oliver asked me, not looking for a response. “I need you to get out of the car and follow me. There is something I want to show you.” I was silent.
“Please?” He added after a brief pause. I opened the door and silently hopped out and came around to his side of the car.
“I’m ready.” I told him calmly, letting go of the grudge I had for him not letting me in on his plan. He jumped out of the car in front of me and started off.
“You are going to love this. I swear!” He sang out joyfully. He sounded genuinely happy with himself and it began to rub off on me. Before long I was bored though. A negative side to my good moods is that I am quite impatient.
“Are we stopping soon?” I asked Oliver curiously.
“Yes.” He promised me as he kept walking.
I amused myself by looking around us. We were in a small town with lots of trees. Some of the parts we walked through seemed almost forest like. I was completely lost in thought when Oliver stopped abruptly; so abruptly in fact that I ran into him.
“Ouch!” I yelped. “I’m getting you break lights for Christmas.”
“We are out far enough now so you’ll be able to understand it.” Oliver decided. “Go sit on that bench over there.”Blanking out on any snappy comebacks on why he shouldn’t boss me around, I walked to the bench with my arms crossed. It was a bit damp from what I assumed was rain from the previous night but I plopped down on it anyway.
I looked around where I was sitting. It was just beginning to get light out and I could see my surroundings. It looked as if we were in a cemetery on a hill, and that’s all I could make out. Oliver came over to me and sat down.
“So? What do you think? Is it what you dreamed it would be?” Oliver asked as if implying something. I knew I must be missing something. I looked around again as the sunrise began.
Off in the distance… was that water? An ocean maybe? There were boats; lots and lots of boats. A really big boat stood out to me. It looked old fashioned, almost like the... Oh! I gasped.
“Oliver..?” I squeaked, for it was all I could manage.
“Yes Lily?” He asked. Obviously this had been the response he had been waiting for.
“Is that... is that the mayflower?” I asked excitedly. “Are we in Plymouth?” I couldn’t believe it.
How had I not guessed this before? Of course we are in Plymouth, home of the pilgrims, our nation’s birthplace! I squealed and jumped up. I ran down the hill and down the street until I reached the ocean.
“Thank you so much Oliver, really!” I said, hugging him. I turned towards the ocean and breathed in the air; the ocean air, how I had missed it. Once I was over the initial shock Oliver and I walked down the waterfront a bit to find another bench.
“Why did you take me here though?” I asked Oliver. “Why now?”
“This has been your dream since who knows when Lily. I wanted to be the person to give it to you.” He replied.
“Soon you’ll be leaving the big city for your life here, in Plymouth. I was worried that if I didn’t make you relate Plymouth to me that you would leave me back with that big city.” He said seriously.
“You have no idea how cool that is!” I said laughing, hoping to lighten his mood. It worked. He smiled.
“Really though Oliver that is the sweetest thing anything could do for me, but you didn’t have to. I would never have forgotten you. I told you, I could never forget my best friend.” I told him softly. Even as I said it I realized it was the wrong word. He was my best friend but those two words didn’t begin to cover what I felt for him.
“Lily,” Oliver started as he took my hand.
“I love you Lily. I feel like you feel that way to, but you never know and I don’t want you to think you have to say it but I feel it and I can’t just be your best friend anymore because I love you. Really truly deeply love you Lily. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore and with you leaving I just figured it would be the best time to tell you and… yeah.” He spit out his words quickly, stumbling over them.
In past months I had thought a lot about this moment. Did I really love him? What would I say?
“Oliver…” I was cut short by his kiss. I was caught off guard; suddenly the world around me disappeared. All I felt were his lips hard against mine, his kiss filled with built up passion. I kissed him back.
In every scenario of this moment I’d played in my head, I had never kissed him back. I had been responsible, saying it would never work and walking away. Here in the moment on the other hand, I kissed him back. When he pulled away he wrapped his arms around me.
Only then did I truly see the change this would cause in our relationship as friends. His hugs, once a gesture of security and friendship, were now filled with passion and intense love. I shuddered. |
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"my family is a truck driver sometimes.." -kaila
"ill never find that damn lemon.." -my dad
"traffic sucks, lets all ride the magic school bus!" -clare
"those poor clowns had such potential!!" -kyle |
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hannahh.
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 5
Country: Wherever life takes me.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:18 am Post subject: |
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HEYY!!!
i got a lot of complaints about un-originality and too much like twilight and not realistic enough.
so i wrote a complete make over piece of my original.
it is the above review.
if you could please read it that would be fantastic. thanks.
i just want to see which one you like better.
so i can decide which one to extend on.
so review both if you could.
maybe compare them? THANKS!!!
*... hannahh |
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"my family is a truck driver sometimes.." -kaila
"ill never find that damn lemon.." -my dad
"traffic sucks, lets all ride the magic school bus!" -clare
"those poor clowns had such potential!!" -kyle |
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Shallowdepth
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Feb 2007
Posts: 42
Reviews: 19
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it =) even though it wasn't really my preference when it comes to reading, I liked it. My favorite part was their conversations lol, it reminds me of some of my own friends. Keep writing and developing the story and see where it goes. I do that a lot, just start randomly writing stuff, but it usually results in at least some sort of story line. Just one thing, try to add a little more detail around their body language when they're talking maybe? I don't know, just a suggestion. But keep writing it, I think you can really make something out of it. |
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