Topic ID: 32574
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: Electricity Storm |
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From the bay view, in window form,
yesterday I saw an electricity storm.
As the rain beat down, it beat down warm.
A confusing thing, is an electricity storm.
For the thunder that seems to explode the sky,
remains only a reflection in my eye.
And the world’s own mother ‘claps!’ in delight
while the world stays dim and sparks with light.
With a crash and a bang and a piercing cry,
It’s just a spectacle to marvel at, for you and I.
Have you ever had so much going on,
that it comes in a flash, and then it’s gone?
Wondering if you’re falling in, or falling out of love
If shove is coming to push, or push coming to shove?
If there’s really even clouds and birds flying above?
Yet look closer at the rain, and the lighting rage
and you’ll see that it’s just an act on the world’s own stage.
Just a moment of brilliance that only a creative eye can cage
It’s the gift of raw turmoil, to be put on your page. |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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hey!
i just had to comment - i thought that it was an interesting idea, and it hasn't been done before (right...?). Also, there were loads of lovely lines in there, but i think that you have two problems within this piece: the rhythm and the meaning.
To be honest, i only half understood what you meant. I think you need to make it clearer. I can tell that the rhyming doesn't make that easy - sometimes, it felt like you were listing things just because they rhymed (the last two lines of the third stanza, really) and so that also made the rhythm stutter a bit.
I LOVED the third and fourth lines of the second stanza! They were my favourites because they were smooth and poetic and gave me a wonderful picture. So well done there!
I think if you want to make improvements on this piece, consider reading it through and evening out the rhythm. It's such a wonderful idea with some really fabulous lines that the few that don't fit are a shame to keep that way.
Please consider, because I think it would improve this poem even further, but of course, it's all just suggestions so don't feel like you have to! (vague, i know!)
good luck with your later stuff!
from charlie. ^^ |
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2Write4ALLways
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
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I like this a lot; its very different and unique. One of a kind, which is excellent. Wonderful word choice, and its a great two-sided story. I dont know what else to say, i cant complain.
Actually, after rereading this, i think its brilliant.
Absolutely. |
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Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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Yummy! *bites*
This has the feel of a Villanelle or Sestina, almost, with a cesura thrown in reminiscent of old English ballads. But! I really like the cesura idea, but it's not consistent which throws off a nice rhythm you've established. Just to show you. this is your first stanza:
From the bay view, in window form,
yesterday I saw an electricity storm.
As the rain beat down, it beat down warm.
A confusing thing, is an electricity storm.
and if I may? Try this?
From the bay view, in window form,
yesterday I saw an electricity storm.
As the rain beat down, it beat down warm,
A confusing thing, this electricity storm.
^^ that way, you connect the entire stanza together, otherwise it feels like lines just stuck together though it reads well aloud, it doesn't as much on the page.
I really like the dual-imagery you have here, but I think you can be more subtle with a few metaphors -- for example, I would not use the first line of S3 for a couple reasons -- it doesn't need to be said, since you should have already established the idea of the chaotic in the previous stanzas, and also it keeps in line with the even number of lines per stanza, and also takes attention away from the stanza, since I think the previous stanza is the focal point of your poem -- this one is more commentary or an extended reasoning building off S2. Also in this stanza, I would suggest doing the following:
from this -- Wondering if you’re falling in, or falling out of love
to this -- Wondering if you’re falling in, or falling out --
I'm not so much a fan of your last stanza -- it should be stronger, I think, to tie up the rest of your poem, and a weak last stanza is bad, especially when your other stanzas as so strong, and I'd pin-point it at the final two lines -- it's too much naval grazing, and not enough umph, if that makes sense. You go from observation and commenting to basically saying, Hey, look what I can do!"
Hmm, one other thing I noticed, you use "just" a lot, and don't usually need it -- I tend to hate using the word, but that's a personal style preference. And as a reference point for not needing it, second stanza, last line -- I don't think you need it, but again, that's me.
I think that's all I have to say! Nice work! Ignore any and all suggestions at will!
Bek |
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Nicolette
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
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The title drew me in, honestly. Critique time~!:
| Quote: |
From the bay view, in window form,
yesterday I saw an electricity storm.
As the rain beat down, it beat down warm.
A confusing thing, is an electricity storm. |
-To be completely honest, this stanza is a little weak to me when it comes to the last two lines. The portion that states "it beat down warm" sort of bothers me and weakens the rest of the part.
| Quote: |
For the thunder that seems to explode the sky,
remains only a reflection in my eye.
And the world’s own mother ‘claps!’ in delight
while the world stays dim and sparks with light.
With a crash and a bang and a piercing cry,
It’s just a spectacle to marvel at, for you and I. |
-I like how you took something so simple as a thunderstorm and elaborated on it this much. Good personification 
| Quote: |
Have you ever had so much going on,
that it comes in a flash, and then it’s gone?
Wondering if you’re falling in, or falling out of love
If shove is coming to push, or push coming to shove?
If there’s really even clouds and birds flying above? |
-I like this stanza the best; I know exactly what you were trying to convey here (but it's hard for me to explain it...). Kind of...living in the moment, correct?
-The fourth line is the best in this poem, in my opinion
| Quote: |
Yet look closer at the rain, and the lighting rage
and you’ll see that it’s just an act on the world’s own stage.
Just a moment of brilliance that only a creative eye can cage
It’s the gift of raw turmoil, to be put on your page. |
-Nice ending, especially the metaphore that the thunderstorm is like a play.  |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Good one this time. Every line seems to just roll of the tongue. It's very easy to read and it keeps you reading until finished.
BUT.
at "wondering if you are falling in, or falling out of love", the poem breaks apart slightly and loses that graceful touch it was carrying so well. Revise just a few lines around that point and I'm sure you'll get it right. |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Eimear!
Your images are wonderful in this poem and you have some really interesting ideas, but at the moment they seem like a list, as other reviewers have pointed out. I also agree with others that some of your wording is weak in parts and needs to be stronger:
"As the rain beat down, it beat down warm"
Try: "As the rain beat down, it spluttered warmth"
Something like that. I don't like repetition in general unless you're deliberately using it to create a certain effect. Here, if you were repeating for impact, it was kind of lost on me. The line needs a stronger verb/participial phrase (here, I've put 'spluttered').
Repetition occurs here too:
"And the world’s own mother ‘claps!’ in delight
while the world stays dim and sparks with light."
It completely detracted from the piece in my opinion. Substitute it for 'earth' maybe:
"And the world's own mother 'claps!' in delight
while earth stays dim and replies with light."
I also think that the rhythm needs some work; however, this is a great piece! Well done!
7/10
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clueless
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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i thought this poem was well written and very thought-out. i love storms of any kind, as long as i'm safe inside. yeah um i think the reason i liked it the most is the part where you say,
"For the thunder that seems to explode the sky,
remains only a reflection in my eye.
And the world’s own mother ‘claps!’ in delight
while the world stays dim and sparks with light."
this brings it alive for me. thanks for sharing this great poem with everyone. |
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letsPaintTheTown
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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...
if you were looking from the window, how did you know the rain was warm? Think of these little things before you post, because it'll make a lot more sense. :]
other than that, good job. |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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| I like this poem a lot, especially the rhyme which I think a lot of people over look or discredit nowadays. It's also very interesting how you bring to concepts that usually aren't compatible together ^^ I like it. It's very unique and I enjoyed reading it. |
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