Topic ID: 33481
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
NavysLittleReject
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: Dreaming |
 |
|
Beneath the stars I lie
Wrapped up in the world of you
Covered in the warmth of your arms
Hold me tight, don’t let go
With each kiss I feel alive
Your lips bring power and meaning
The warmth of your breath on my neck
… I feel like I’m falling
Falling into realms unknown
But I’m not scared
For you are with me
Take my hand and guide me
Guide me to the depths of your heart
Let me explore every inch of you
I promise to be gentle
I only bring happiness
Beneath the stars I lie
Wrapped up in the world of you
I feel as if I’m dreaming
… If so, please don’t wake me |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Rascalover
When push comes to shove
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 287
Reviews: 16
Country: Nowheresville
271 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Good job! I liked your poem, but some thing threw me off and I can't explain it. i love the message your poem contains and how you convey it so it can't be that. I just feel there is some thing off about this poem, Im sorry. You really did an awesome job though! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
letsPaintTheTown
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Well done! This was good. I just didn't really like the transition to falling in, I think, the third stanza (or was it the second? Bad memory.) for some reason. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
SweetOctober
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
This poem was so beautiful. Reminds me of two children falling in love.
I really liked the words you used. Its how love should feel always, but it always manages to bring pain also.
It was really cute. I had to read it twice because I liked it so much. Hope you continue writing stuff like this.
Bye |
_________________
I told your boyfriend he was gay and he slapped me with his purse. |
|
| Back to top |
|
My-mystique-Eyes
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
200 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Well I'm really really NOT good at critiquing, but I really liked it. I think it was really good and i think it painted a great picture of loving and being loved. It was beautiful.
But a few things I would change...
1. Wrapped up in the world of you. (i would put, wrapped inside the world of you. I think it sounds better. But, maybe not, don't do it if it doesn't sound good 2 u. It's just my opinion.
2. Covered in the warmth of you. ( i think that, My heart or My soul covered in the warmth of you or I am covered in the warmth of you, makes it sound just a little bit deeper, but again, just my opinion, I'm not really that good at writing. And I'm not so sure about changing this line, so...just go with what you like.)
I LOVE the part, With each kiss I feel alive. It's a really good line, Don't change it!
But I would suggest that the line right after that should be... Your lips bring power and meaning to my life.
This part confuses me...
The warmth of your breath on my neck
...I feel like I'm falling.
Does he make u feel like you are falling? Or does life or something else make you feel that way, and he makes you unafraid? I would try to change those lines a little to make the situation more defined and clear.
Also, are the unknown realms good or bad?
I like the part, But I'm not scared for you are with me, Take my hand and guide me.
It's sweet and gives u a picture of the guy being strong and helping the girl.
4. This next few lines are a little confusing...
I promise to be gentle>>>>> ???? gentle with what?
I only bring happiness>>>>> ???? This confuses me also, although I kind of get what your saying, I think that it should be a little more clear to the reader.
Again I think that it should be changed to Wrapped inside the world of you.
I love the last 2 lines, and the whole poem for that matter, even if you never change a thing it's still really good. I really enjoyed it. I think that you wrote of something that other people can relate to as well as yourself and it's always nice to read something that you feel apart of, and it doesn't seem like it's just someone else's world.
And I definitely don't think it's "cute" and it does not seem like "little kids falling in love" it sounds like you have found something true, and that's just beautiful.
Great Job!!! Keep up the good work.
And sorry if my review made no sense. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
[deleted3]
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Aug 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 41
Country: United States
-24 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This flowed really well and I found myself engaged the entire time.
The only thing that felt out of place was this line:
… I feel like I’m falling
This was really well written to me, keep going.
Hope to read more of your stuff |
_________________
Victer |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
