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This thread was created on April 19, 2008
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Topic ID: 29106
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by-my-rules
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
Country: Australia mate:P:P
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:37 am Post subject: |
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SWEET
dude, thats massive man, i loved the rythm, i loved th vocab, i loved the expression, and i thought th way u broke it into stanzas was really well thought out.the imagry was vry clear, buu left space for the readers imagenative imput  the only part i would concider altering slightly-
I stared into their eyes.
The eyes once full of life,
Now lifeless, blank and staring.
stared and staring, u noe, maybe its just me, buu id change it, like, possible to: now lifeless, black and glassy, or there eyes pulled me in, the eyes once.... u get me
buu other than that this is great, seriously, keep it goin |
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abhishek87
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
Country: India
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:14 am Post subject: |
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great flow of feeling...
great depth in expression...
really emerged outof heart...
keep on writing such heavy stuff |
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Seraphair
New Member
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Jul 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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Or will we reach the light at the end of the tunnel,
The light of hope,
Only to be thrust back into the darkness of war.
Amidst the gloomy content of the poem, it is good to know how you pictured the reality concerning our society today. I also aprreciate how you used figures of speech such as metaphors and personifications. But I found the introduction quite boring. You could've used other words to make it more attention grabbing to the reader. You could also improve more on your choice of words to avoid too much repetition.
 Keep it up! |
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| This thread was created on April 19, 2008 |
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