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Sureal
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 Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: Crawford -- Prototype |
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The angel smiled. They always smiled, and Crawford hated them for it. He especially hated this one. ‘You mustn’t let your sorrow drown you,’ it said. ‘There is forever hope.’ It hovered in the air, its wings unfurled but unmoving. They seemed to be superfluous to the spirit’s design: they weren’t needed for the levitation, and did naught but look magnificent. They were beautiful and they were useless.
‘But why was she taken from me?’ Crawford asked. ‘Why must I endure her loss? Has the Lord no mercy?’
‘The Lord grieves for you, child. There is pain and suffering in this world, but this world is not all there is. You will be reunited with her, fear not, and forever you two shall live, side by side.’
‘Words! Words and promises. I see her not, hear her not; how am I to trust your words that we will be reunited? Nay, I spit on your practiced words and your empty promises. It is not they I want, but the woman that was taken from me. Can you give me her, angel?’
The angel sighed prettily, but the smile never left its perfect face. ‘Only time can give you that.’
Crawford glared at the angel, and then said, ‘Then it is to Time I shall turn.’ He turned and strode across the Church floor towards the exit, leaving behind the still smiling angel.
A priest tried to approach him from the other direction, his robes flapping around his fat legs as he half-jogged to match Crawford’s pace. ‘My lord, you must not speak to the angels in such a manner…’
Crawford walked passed him without a word. When he reached the large double doors of the Church, he paused and turned around. ‘Farewell all. I shall not be returning. Please, do not wait for me this coming Sunday.’ And he turned his back again to the angel and priest, and strode from the building.
There was silence in the Church. Then: ‘I do hope he shan’t do anything rash,’ the priest said, to no one in particular.
The angel smiled. ‘I fear your hope is ill placed.’
------
This is really just a quick bit of writing practice, but it also serves as a sort of prototype or test-run for a story idea I have. |
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Last edited by Sureal on Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:03 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Ailam Remard
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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Hi Sureal!
I think you should write this into a story! It sounds really good.
No grammar mistakes, at least that I see, you did awesome on that part.
*Gives two thumbs-up*
I like how described the priest with his fat legs! Lol! The angel also made this very creative because since when, at least that I've read, have angels talked to humans in stories? That was pretty cool.
You should make this into a story and have like Crawford somehow get back his woman without the angels help and then he can laugh at them and live happily ever after. Hehe.
Anyway, it was good!
-Ailam. |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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Wow. Your grammar, as far as I can see, is spotless. This is a really interesting premise - it isn't too long, so I don't have much to offer, but I do hope that you develop this into something a bit bigger, because I'd like to see where you go with it.
The only thing I thought was funny was how Crawford turned 180 degrees and then the priest ran up... from behind him? I didn't really get that. Wouldn't Crawford have been looking right at him when he was speaking to the angel, then? Was the priest standing behind the angel? Why was there no note of him before? He just kind of appears.
At the moment, it reads more like an excerpt than an introduction. It opens up a lot of questions without answering any of them - was the woman actually taken away, or did she just die? Who is Crawford, and why is he referred to as "lord"? Hopefully I'll get to read a longer version that will answer some of these, eh? 
Gorgeous as usual. (And are you ever going to finish that urban fantasy one you started? I liked that.) |
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Clo
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
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Hey Sureal,
Gah! I love fiction incorporating Christian mythology.
This is very short, so I don't have much to say. As Lynlyn pointed out, the grammar is spot on. If this is a prologue or a first chapter, then I think it requires more explanations. Not an explanation of everything - like who she is Crawford's talking about for example, but for things like the Church and the overall location. Is this Heaven? Is this an angel on earth?
Another thing I'd like to know is Crawford's standing with the angel. Is he someone in a position more powerful then it, and it's being a nuisance and not giving him what he wants, or is he a plain, typical human who's struggling with higher powers? Right now, I have a Constantine-y vibe going on in my head about this whole piece without explanations. It reads like an excerpt.
But it's written well, and like a said, I'm already a sucker for the plot. I hope you post more up - PM me when you do?
Thanks. ^_^
~ Clo |
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Avens Dolor
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:58 am Post subject: |
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Small typo:
| Quote: |
| The angel sighed prettily, but the smiled never left its perfect face. |
Should be "smile".
I like to concept, but I feel like the high language is ill placed. It's really hard to pull of a "nay" or "shant" without it sounding like you're trying too hard to make things "old-timey". I think that I'd have to read more before I considered the use acceptable.
Also, the response "Then it is to time I shall turn" sounds like Crawford is giving up--as if he's just going to wait. Unless "Time" is introduced as a character, it doesn't make very much sense.
That said, I'd like to see what you do with this. It's an interesting concept and makes me want to learn more, especially about the priest who seems like an awesome character. Let me know if and when you continue!
Avens |
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The-Phantoms-Thorne
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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Albeit, the fact this has 'Crawford' in the title, then followed up with the word 'angel' in the first sentence had me interested (by the way, is the references to Phantom deliberate?).
I quite like the set up. I'm imagining Crawford to be a kind of John Constantine (Hell Blazer/Constantine) character. Am I wrong? Perhaps Crawford is a returned or rejected angel, or perhaps part-angel himself.
This has promise, it really does. Your spelling and grammar are 99.9% fantastic and I'm sure I can forgive a typo here and there (being thoroughly guilty of them myself, despite my best efforts).
Just had a thought... perhaps Crawford is somewhat like Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing? I would be most interested in this story. Keep me posted!
-TPT |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:50 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it, it was well written, but you use archaic language, and that always makes me break out in lumps.
See here, the language is great. To the point, but not too short:
| Quote: |
| The angel smiled. They always smiled, and Crawford hated them for it. He especially hated this one. |
Whereas here:
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| They seemed to be superfluous to the spirit’s design: they weren’t needed for the levitation, and did naught but look magnificent. |
*squirms* "Naught but"...
| Quote: |
| The angel sighed prettily, but the smiled never left its perfect face. |
Too many adjectives, and the smiled should be smile.
--
Personally, I wouldn't continue reading. This didn't grab my attention. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl leaves boy/girl dies, boy is upset and takes it out on an angel. Meh.
If you spice it up in the next chapters, then good, but as it is, the subject doesn't really grip. Your style is fine, perfect, and everything else seems sound. |
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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The spelling and grammar is perfect. I like the way you ended it.
Your choice of words is very good, in my opinion. I like the way they talk.
...I wonder where it takes place.
I like this a lot. If you write more I'd love to read it.
Very good!
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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| This sounds interesting. I always like stories with angels in =] especially with a kind of strange role like this seems to be. I think it works well as a little short piece, but you should carry on and make it a story! I think it'd be good. |
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Sureal
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:42 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks all for replying. =)
Ailam: I’m glad you enjoyed this. I do fully intend to turn this into a proper story, but it probably won’t be for a little while. I’m busy working on The Broken. =)
Lynlyn: I spent a while trying to figure out how to best write how the priest would approach Crawford, and then just said, ‘screw it, it doesn’t really matter.’  I’m so lazy…
And the urban fantasy would be Whispers of the Fallen, right? Well, I actually wrote more than I posted up, but it was still far from completed. I still love the idea so I’ll probably come back to it some time, but I’m not currently working on it.
clograbby: Yeah, you’re right in saying this is like an excerpt. Really, it’s just something I quickly wrote to try out the setting and characters. (Also, I was bored.) This exact scene probably won’t appear in the actual story.
On, and in the world this is set in God and his angels (as well as all manner of demons and evil and neutral spirits) frequently interact with people. So even a normal person can seek an audition with an angel. But Crawford is a highborn lord, so he gets even more attention from them.
Avens Dolor: Thanks for pointing out that typo. =)
And I agree with you about the language too. I hadn’t planned for it - it just sort of happened, and I decided to roll with it. But I don’t really like it that much, to be honest. I think having the characters speak like that creates too much of a barrier between character and reader, and stops the latter from really connecting with the former.
Oh, and I probably should have clarified in the text: the ‘time’ Crawford is referring too is a semi-evil spirit. So yeah, time is a character. (Maybe I should just capitalise ‘Time’ to hint at this.)
The-Phantoms-Thorne: No, I’m afraid any similarity is purely coincidental. I don’t even know what ‘Phantom’ is, to tell the truth. 
I can see how you would compare Crawford with Constantine, there are some similarities between the two characters. Some with Jackman’s Van Helsing too, I suppose.
TL G-Wooster: Yeah, I’m not a big fan of the archaic language either. The characters started talking like that without my permission, so I tired to make the narration more archaic too. It felt weird having the characters talk like that but not the narration.
Thanks for the crit. =)
Ashlee: The story takes place in a world where angels and spirits and demons frequently interact with humans. Aside from that, the world bears a resemblance to 18th century Britain.
andimlovegalore: Well, this is just a sort of ‘try out’ for a longer story. And yeah, angels are cool, aren’t they? =)
EDIT: Hm, I think this post is longer than the story itself... |
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Blink
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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Crawford? But that's my name!
Anyhow, excellent choice:
| Quote: |
| ‘Then it is to Time I shall turn.’ He turned |
I'm not sure whether the repetition was intention but I think it's too close for comfort, the latter should be changed to something more interesting.
| Quote: |
| but the smile never left its perfect face |
The use of 'never' doesn't work--it makes it seem that Crawford never left the room, if you see what I mean. That clutters the sentence anyway, so get rid of it
**
It's a shame it isn't a little longer, I could so with something good to read. This would definitely serve as an excellent prologue, providing you keep the story as good as this. The archaism seems to working quite well, but as Wooster said it does seem a little strange having such a contrast between modern-talk narration, and then the voice but should you continue hopefully your style will develop 'til you're happy with it
Characters
In the shortness of this I wouldn't say the development is at all misplaced but we certainly need a little more from Crawford's point of view. Even in a prologue we need to know what he's thinking and dialogue just isn't doing it for me. Also as the priest enters it might help the reader if you just tell us a little about what he looks like, or even say that Crawford was walking too quickly to notice the colour of his hair, or something of the sort.
I would like to read more of this, keep writing!
 |
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xavia-finch
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: Re: Crawford -- Prototype |
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| Sureal wrote: |
The angel smiled. They always smiled, and Crawford hated them for it. He especially hated this one. ‘You mustn’t let your sorrow drown you,’ it said. ‘There is forever hope.’ It hovered in the air, its wings unfurled but unmoving. They seemed to be superfluous to the spirit’s design: they weren’t needed for the levitation, and did naught but look magnificent. They were beautiful and they were useless.
‘But why was she taken from me?’ Crawford asked. ‘Why must I endure her loss? Has the Lord no mercy?’
‘The Lord grieves for you, child. There is pain and suffering in this world, but this world is not all there is. You will be reunited with her, fear not, and forever you two shall live, side by side.’
‘Words! Words and promises. I see her not, hear her not; how am I to trust your words that we will be reunited? Nay, I spit on your practiced words and your empty promises. It is not they I want, but the woman that was taken from me. Can you give me her, angel?’
The angel sighed prettily, but the smile never left its perfect face. ‘Only time can give you that.’
Crawford glared at the angel, and then said, ‘Then it is to Time I shall turn.’ He turned and strode across the Church floor towards the exit, leaving behind the still smiling angel.
A priest tried to approach him from the other direction, his robes flapping around his fat legs as he half-jogged to match Crawford’s pace. ‘My lord, you must not speak to the angels in such a manner…’
Crawford walked passed him without a word. When he reached the large double doors of the Church, he paused and turned around. ‘Farewell all. I shall not be returning. Please, do not wait for me this coming Sunday.’ And he turned his back again to the angel and priest, and strode from the building.
There was silence in the Church. Then: ‘I do hope he shan’t do anything rash,’ the priest said, to no one in particular.
The angel smiled. ‘I fear your hope is ill placed.’
------
This is really just a quick bit of writing practice, but it also serves as a sort of prototype or test-run for a story idea I have. |
Because this is so short and has not setting or detail it is really hard to see your ideas and where the story is going. Your grammer is good.
I don't think I could stand a whole book with that use of language though. I understand that its meant to fit with the setting, characters etc. but i don't think its right for a modern audience.
Write some more, perhaps an introduction so we can see where its going, then a I can critique it more thoroughly.
Happy writing! |
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Sexy Sadie
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: |
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Sureal (Cool name by the way)-
I liked this, like the first critique, I do hope this continues, which, I see, it will.
Although, how can the humans see the angels? Most religions would call that blasphemy, not that I would call it that, I do not belong to any religion.
The priest was hillarious, the angel was perfectly evil, and I loved how Crawford totally defied the angels.
Keep up the good work!
-Sadie |
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