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This thread was created on September 28, 2007
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Whisky on a Sunday: Year 1 Goto page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4
Topic ID: 20414
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KJ
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 Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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This was pretty good. The only thing that really bothered me was how you used things like, "you said" in reference to the other person. That got a little confusing, and I felt like it took from the piece. Try using "he" instead of "you".
Otherwise, it was a good beginning. I'm looking forward to reading Part 2. |
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RowanHowler
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:21 am Post subject: |
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Hello,
Your beginning caught my attention because the main character, in present tense is very direct. However, I think you will need to be very original and make your character a little more dramatized and unique to stand out from other alcoholic stories.
“Are you cold, Eric?” Reading my mind as always, I nod. “I can turn the air up if you like.”- I would think if it was cold he would turn the air down.
This may just be a personal preference, but I find it exhausting to read entire novels in the present tense. Most novels I've read are in pat, but maybe you're going for that and perhaps it will come together more as the story goes on. I'll wait and see.
Too me this felt like a long scene to say a very short statement. I would concentrate a little less on facial expressions and more on only the very most important dialogue. The chair descriptions were good and you had some excellent imagery, but it could be a little more vibrant. |
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Teague
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:52 am Post subject: |
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**LOCKED**
At least, temporarily.
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| This thread was created on September 28, 2007 |
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