Topic ID: 32635
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 788
Reviews: 196
Country: USA
534 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Poison Love - chapter 1 |
 |
|
Chapter One
I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.
It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.
Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.
A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.
No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.
Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”
“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”
“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.
“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.
“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.
“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.
“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.
"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.
"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.
"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.
"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.
"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.
"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.
"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.
"Ready," I groaned. We took off. |
_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"
Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.
Last edited by Night Mistress on Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:57 pm; edited 10 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
endless_secrets
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 03 Jun 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love - chapter 1 |
|
|
I really like this chapter, the only things i would like you to add are why she is there, why she shows herself and why she accepts his ride. Also I really enjoyed your use of sensatory description in your prologue and you didn't use as much here, but overall it was good, it could be better tho, but then again everything can always be better, nothing is perfect.
Here are the mistakes I caught.
| Night Mistress wrote: |
Chapter One
I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old abandon manor. It has been decades since I had last been to this house. I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open. The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open. I walked though it and into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looking (looked) around at the garden, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get them (should be 'it') on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and open it wider. Even though I had earphone (s) in my ears, my abnormally good earring (Should be hearing?) heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the house.
Everything was dirty with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I did this often when I was growing up.
No time to visit the past, I thought as I drop my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each other (shouldn't be here.)of them. Two had black hair, dark brown eyes, average height, and were dress (ed) very nicely. The other one was (Should be had) golden hair; light eyes, and was (Dont need 'was' here.) also wore nice clothes
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about 18 or 19. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired asked.
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party”
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” a black-haired said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I am Adam,” she (She? isn't he a guy?) said as he stepped forward with his hand raise for a shake. I looked at it. He got the expression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said in a cheery voice.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friend to you,” Adam said as he pulls back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired. “That’s Zach.” “Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.” “Hi.”
“Nice to meet both (of) you,” I said politely. Zach bring (Should be brought) up a beer and offer (need 'ed') me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam muttered (Take of 'ed') “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. “I’m sorry about them. Listen, let me give you a ride to (missing 'your' here) house.” Bad idea I thought, but I took it anyway.
“Thanks. I would love a ride,” I said with a smile.
“Great. Let me say goodbye and we’ll get going,” he said. He headed back to his friends as I waited for him. He came back and led me outside the house and gate. He went over to a bike on the other side.
“That’s yours?!?” I asked, excited. I loved bikes; I even had one of my own.
“Yeah. She’s my baby,” he said as he mounts the bike. The bike was a pretty blue color. He handed me a helmet.
“You have one to right? Cause if you don’t, the ride is off,” I warned. He smiled and pulls out another one.
“Good,” I said as I pull on the helmet and got on behind him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and clasp my hands.
“ready?” he asked as he turns on the bike.
“Ready,” I agreed and we took off. |
So I also want to add that you go back and forth a lot from present to past tense, it makes it a bit confusing to read, so you should probably pick one of the two tenses and go through and change it, I would have done it but i don't know if you want present or past tense.
It was very interesting though and i would like to keep reading.
|
_________________
Always and forever an endless secret... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Abocreature
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 17
Country: US
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This was pretty good. A few shaky sentences here and there. I'm wondering what will happen next. Overall, it was more of a plot build chapter, which is what the first chapter should be. It wasn't very exciting, but it's starting to set up for an exciting part ahead. I'm excited! ^^
|
_________________
You think I'm insane?
You might be correct... |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
Let's make beautiful music together
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1175
Reviews: 667
Country: some place that I can only dream about
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was great! You did really well with all the ideas with her meeting the boys. When I first read it when you PM-ed me, I thought that these boys were vampires, but now I see that they are human, and I like it! 
Great job!
I did notice a few things:
| Quote: |
| I looked around, memories coming back. |
At a time like this, it would be perfect for you to go into detail about these so-called “memories”. You don’t have to give it all away, but just letting a few sink through and she thinks about them would be good. It would give us readers a feel of what her personality is like and such.
| Quote: |
| “Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. |
Awkward wording…try: ”Nice to meet both of you,” or ”Nice meeting you both,” Whichever you prefer 
| Quote: |
| “You have one to right? Cause if you don’t, the ride is off,” I warned. |
I think you might be missing a word here. Try: ”You have one too, right?” I think that’s what you meant to say, but it came out kind of weird.
Those were the only individual things I caught. But another thing that grabbed my attention was the part when he invited her on a ride. It seemed kind of sudden. Make that introduction with the guys and him a little slower. Expand it. Drag it out. I would love to know more about them!
Other than that, this was good! On to chapter two!
|
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sleeping Valor
^_^ Back for summer!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jan 2006
Posts: 940
Reviews: 207
Country: I'm on the other side of the reflection you see, living in a world of fantasy.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: Re: Poison Love - chapter 1 |
|
|
| Quote: |
It been, at least a decade, since I had last been to this house. try: It had been at least a decade since I had last been to the house. ,Or maybe that house. Either way, I think 'this' is present tense, which you are not using here.
I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. The two 'my's feel very close together. maybe try adding something between them or 'the ipod in my jacket pocket'
The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open. <You suddenly switched to present tense. =P
This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around at the garden, it’s a jungle. <I think you need to move the italics to incluce "This gaden...."
Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get it on my shoes as I walked. <Again, present tense sneaked in here. |
Quick question: How much of this matters to the plot, character development or theme? You could say all of it, but some of the description seems unecissary. *has been writing short stories and is all about cutting back * >.<
| Quote: |
Everything was dirty with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. Present tense again! I smiled to myself, because I did this often when I was growing up in this place. |
One thing: if there are people in the house, and everything is covered in dust, then shouldn't she be able to see where they walked? How does she feel about these people being in the house? why doesn't she go looking for them right away?
*reads another few lines* =P Okay, nvm some of those questions. XD
| Quote: |
No time to visit the past, I thought as I drop my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two had black hair, dark brown eyes, average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden hair; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. |
Mwaha. I will stop bugging you after this last time: present tense! You slip into it in places. I would recommend you go over this and make sure it's all the same tense. ^_^ Also, you are missing a few periods (2-ish).
| Quote: |
He got the expression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. <Impression, not expression. Right?
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulls back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired. “That’s Zach.” “Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.” “Hi.” |
New dialogue should be treated like a new paragraph. Those "Hi"s should be on new lines.
^_^
I liked it. I'm not sure where it's going, but I liked it.
Plot: obviously a romance. Duh. =P
Characters: The friends amused me. Adam comes across as the gentleman (I am Adam <No abreviation? =P), which is fine. Your MC, though, I find to be a bit enigmatic. I assume her to be a vampire, yet she doesn't seem all that confident. Though that's fine, since it just makes her more interesting. =P Plus, I shouldn't assume she's a vamp. XD
I though this was cool. I like that it's not too long, though for a 'chapter' it's a bit short (from a 'if you were going to publish this' point of view).
Nice stuff.
^_^ Keek!
|
_________________
Here's a free coupon! Good for:
1) A new friend
2) A free review
3) Advice on problems and general YWS assistance
^_^ PM me anytime to use! |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
Let's make beautiful music together
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1175
Reviews: 667
Country: some place that I can only dream about
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I like this ending a WHOLE lot better. It was more natural, than forced as before.
Nice job!
I know I am kind of doing another reivew, but I can't resist. Sorry 
| Quote: |
| The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open. |
First off, I like your story better in the past tense rather than the present. I read it doing both and I found it more enjoyable that way. So yeah...
Back to this quote, you should say The ruse on the grate pricked my finger...
Past tense
| Quote: |
| Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get it on my shoes as I walked. |
Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt...
| Quote: |
| I put my foot on the threshold and open it wider. |
...and opened it wider.
| Quote: |
| I feel texture under my hand. |
I felt texture under my hand.
| Quote: |
| I make my way to the back of the house. |
I made my way to the back of the house.
| Quote: |
| The other one was golden hair; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. |
...was golden-haired, light eyes...
| Quote: |
| "I will be perfect find on my own," I snarled. |
Umm...I think I know what you meant here but you just added a word or something. Try: "I am perfectly able to get home on my own" or I will be fine on my own" or something like that because that above doesn't make sense.
| Quote: |
| "Jesus, you live all the way in the country! get on," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him. |
...live all the way out in the country. Get on,"
| Quote: |
| "Ready?" he inquired as he revv up. |
...inquired as he revved up.
Other than that, I really REALLY like the new ending.
Can't wait for more!
|
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Blink
I think therefore I Blink.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 355
Reviews: 50
Country: England
383 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello!
| Quote: |
| I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old abandon manor. |
Several things wrong with this sentence I am sorry to say. Firstly, there is the comma, whereby you seperate any adjectives you have for a noun with commas. Otherwise you would be describing one adjective with another. Let's see what I mean:
The clear blue sky. This implies that the blue is clear.
The clear, blue sky. This means that the sky is both clear and blue.
Right, next: 'abandon' should be 'abandoned'.
And finally, there are just too many adjectives in this one opening sentence. It should be powerful, strong and intriguing all at once but right here all I am seeing is a bunch of descriptive words hiding a potentially good opening line. Are there any other ways to phrase this? Yes, yes there are. In fact, now would be a great time to strengthen your prose with imagery or other desirable tones. It can also add to the atmosphere and how you want it to be portrayed to the reader--remember, descriptive language does not mean descriptive words. For example to write about the gate: I stood outside the derelict manor, its gate towering above me like an iron sentinel. There, I have halved
the number of adjectives and we get more of an eerie atmosphere, eh? Sorry for the long rant on adjectives but I hope it helped. Moving on...
| Quote: |
| It been, at least a decade |
It had been [NO COMMA] at least a decade...
'got'.
It's 'iPod'.
| Quote: |
| I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. |
This makes it sound as if you turn it up in your jacket pocket--a little awkward. Perhaps: "I sighed and turned up my iPod, resting in my jacket pocket."
| Quote: |
| My finger brushed over the tall grass. |
The adjective spoils the sentence and there's room for better description. How about: "My finger brushed over the grass, swaying high in the breeze."
I kicked up some.
| Quote: |
| I thought as I turned down the ipod. |
Should be "my iPod." Also I think the other sentence with the iPod in is a little useless now--the sentence tells us about it for us.
Tut tut, 'opened'.
| Quote: |
Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my [u]earphones and stepped into the
house. |
The repetition here is too close for comfort, perhaps you should rephrase this part.
| Quote: |
| then the wall smear |
The 'then' is annoying and should it be 'smears'.
'happy'.
| Quote: |
| I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. I smiled to myself |
I did this... and that... and this too..." The repetition of the sentences can get very tiring, and boring to read. Combine some of these and rearrange the wording. Also, should 'feel' be 'felt'?
| Quote: |
| because I did this often when I was growing up in this place. |
This is very awkward. 'this' should be 'that' and I also find that the 'because' really weakens the piece.
| Quote: |
| From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. |
I don't like this. Why not: "From what I saw three young men stood outside, laughing with a can of beer in the hand'. Also, wouldn't she be a little more shocked--or even wouldn't she have gone straight to them after hearing noises, not scared as she walked in the living room.
"black hair".
Full stop!
| Quote: |
| I back away into the darkness. |
This would be better as 'I backed into the darkness'.
Full stop!
| Quote: |
| I said in a cheery voice. |
These types of verbs can be very boring. Allow me to explain. You can use two main types of words really, colourful and bland. Here are the colourful ones I can think of:
- To say
- To be
- To have
- To go
And whatever. See, these are fine in small amounts but sometimes the pacing demands more. A lot of the time they require a descriptive word to 'floralise' them. You put 'said in a cheery voice' when you could just say 'exclaimed'. On accounts should you ever think you must always use them, but they can help bring out the pacing and the flavour to the story.
Another tense change - 'pulled'. Be careful with these but after a proof-read you should be fine.
| Quote: |
| “Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.” |
Few things. New speaker=new line, yes? Remove the space by the speech mark too. And the 'Then'.
| Quote: |
| hottest.” He muttered |
Better as: hottest," he muttered...
**********
Alright, that's all I could see to start with--a lot should be addressed. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss or ramble about anything. I enjoyed this piece, and I can see potential but a lot of room for improvement too. I hope I have been some sort of help. Not a bad start! 
Focus on the senses--forget about sight. For practice, start writing about a blind man. Focus on sound, smell, taste, feel.
|
_________________
Check out my blog.
>Beggar's Dystopia< |
|
| Back to top |
|
unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 173
Reviews: 10
Country: Loneliness
200 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| some sentences were a bit off and you forgot some of the words, but the human brain usually corects them. Sadly, in this world, every writer is a critic to help you because we all make mistakes, but sometimes too many. Next time try to watch your wording
|
_________________
In the mecca of us,
we all glow forever.
-Sonny Moore
Insanity is the best form of sanilty
-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
lucyy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 198
Reviews: 67
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Having read your prologue I really enjoyed it & am off to read the next chapter. I've enclosed a document on what I think you could improve on. Hope it helps
Lucyy xxx
| Description: |
|
Download |
| Filename: |
Poison Love - Chapter One.doc |
| Filesize: |
37.5 KB |
| Downloaded: |
24 Time(s) |
|
_________________
Bella: "You're doing it again"
Edward: "What?"
Bella: "Dazzling me."
-- Twilight |
|
| Back to top |
|
wizkid515
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 7
Country: New Zealand
137 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
some of your sentences sounded a bit strange and i want to know why she would decline his ride and the hop on.
your story sounded cool can't wait till i read the other chapters.
i think you should think through some of your work before you post.
EVERY CRITIC CAN WRITE WHAT THEY WANT (NO OFFENCE)
___________________________________________________________________
Writing is a passion stick to it. 
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5281
Reviews: 1323
Country: England
623 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
Chapter One
I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been, at least a decade, [The two commas are unnecessary.] since I had last been to this house. I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open. The rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old gate open. [You use gate once too often. Either change one use to 'it' or think of an alternative.] I walked though it [This it here isn't needed. 'I walked through, into the front yard...' is sufficient.] and into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. [Describe the feel of the grass. Is it leathery with age or still soft and supple?] This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around at the garden, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and get got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the house. [Try to avoid the repetition. Maybe 'over the threshold' or 'through the door' would work.]
Everything was dirty [I think filthy would work better here. Dirty is quite weak.] with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the wall smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel felt texture [That's a silly way to say it; it makes little sense. Everything has a texture. What sort of texture did she feel? Rough, soft, smooth, raised, flat?] under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I did I'd done this often when I was growing up in this place.
No time to visit the past, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. [This sentence is confusing... no idea what you're trying to say.] I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make made [You've got to stop changing tenses.] my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two had black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dressed very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes [You have to end that sentence with a full stop and it would be much better to describe how they were dressed rather than say nice. Trust me, a little decription never hurt. And go beyond hair and eyes. There are many more features than that.]
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about 18 or 19. [Don't use numbers for age. Write it as 'eighteen or nineteen.'] Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys asked.
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party” [You need a full stop here.]
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” a black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired boy did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I am Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the expression impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said in a cheery voice.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulls pulled back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired boy. “That’s Zach.”
“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”
“Hi.”
“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer and offered me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. “I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks.” Bad idea I thought, but I took it anyway.
“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.
“but...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked walk back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was...Adam.
"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.
"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled.
"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.
"Jesus, you live all the way in the country! Get on," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.
"Do have you have one?" I asked, trying to found find a way out. He lifted another one. Shit i I thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him.
"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.
"Ready," I groaned. We took off. |
In general, this is much better than the prologue. It would benefit from some further development of Adam's friends and some distinction between the two but it's good. Work on your setting description a little and try to make your characters a little more unique and individual but this is progressing well. My main advice to you is where working on description is concerned: remember there's more to think of than just sight. Consider time and the progression of the day towards night during this sequence of events. Think about touch, the warmth of the engine when he revs it and his body against hers when she climbs on. Take your time over the little details. Don't do it to such an extent that the plot becomes tied down and the story becomes dull but add some interest and some atmosphere to the piece. Good work.
|
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 788
Reviews: 196
Country: USA
534 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles of the story. I hope you enjoy the edited version.
NM
|
_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"
Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love. |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
Let's make beautiful music together
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1175
Reviews: 667
Country: some place that I can only dream about
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello again! I for sure like the first few paragraphs WAY better. Your sentences are so much smoother. Nice work!
But I did notice a few things...
| Quote: |
| I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open. |
Okay, I noticed that you do this a lot, where you have two sentences but they are both kind of choppy. Instead of two choppy sentences, try to combine them into one strong sentence. Like so: I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket before putting my hand on the gate and pushing it open. See the difference?
| Quote: |
| I walked though it, into the front yard. |
No comma needed after "it"
| Quote: |
| Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the treshold. |
Same "two choppy sentences" thing. But this time, you don't have to combine these. I just tried to make it smoother, like this: ...heard voices in the house. However, I removed my headphones anyway and stepped into the threshold.
| Quote: |
| I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. |
Umm, you are missing a comma here. Try: I heard voices, and judging by the distance of them, people were in the back.
| Quote: |
| I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. |
Awkward here. Try: I stopped at the back door, which was shattered, glass litering the floor, right before the light reached in.
| Quote: |
| Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. |
"showed" instead of "show"
| Quote: |
| Down girl I thought as exotic pictures form in my head. |
hehe I put this in here because it made me laugh! *beams*
| Quote: |
| I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it. |
Again, the two sentence combining thing. Try: ...started to pull back his hand, but I stepped forward and took it, shaking it firmly. or something like that.
| Quote: |
| I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house. |
Combine. ...coming up behind me as I walked into the house.
| Quote: |
| “No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile. |
Too many "thanks" Try: No, but thanks for the offer. or just reword it to your liking.
| Quote: |
| I looked at him like he was stupid or something. |
I'm not sure I like this sentence. Maybe use "insane" or "idiot" instead of "stupid or something". I don't know...whatever you want to do.
| Quote: |
| "Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from ther backpack on the bike. |
"the" instead of "ther"
| Quote: |
| I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. |
"into" is one word.
Other than that, I found it really easy to follow and I just really enjoyed it!
Keep it up!
|
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Merry_Haven
I think I can. I think I can.--I know I can.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 269
Reviews: 124
Country: slowly drifting off to dreamland...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Whoa there. That was...strangely good. I liked it and somehow it made me feel like I was actually there at the party and house.
When I read this I noticed you used "manor" in your first paragraph. I've haven't heard that word in forever. Sounds like something in the 18th hundreds. Which makes this story unique and different.
Now when she pricked her finger did she prick it for blood to come out or just a scratch? Now the grass must of been that tall for her finger to brush it and it's like someone hasn't mowed the lawn in years.
The whole past thing was amazing! Loved the blood-dripping knife effect.
I could tell by Elizabeth's name that she "could" be a vampire or maybe she is from the preface because her name sounds Victorian. Which I totally love that period and of course the Regency period also.
Well I couldn't think of anything else to say...hoped it helped.
-Merry
~off to read ch.2~
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
andrew.j.m
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 24
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
So I'm not the best at editing spelling and grammar, so I'm just going to tell you what I think about the ideas.
I like where this is going. It seems strange and that's what's keeping me reading.
I like how it seems like Elizabeth is trying her hardest to be a good girl, even though there are obvious temptations. Inner conflict makes the best stories.
The only thing I see wrong with this is that she has an ipod. It kind of ruined the mood for me. I pictured a girl walking through tall grass towards a dark house that looks empty, then I saw the word ipod and all those Apple commercials came to mind.
Maybe that's just part of my mandatory ADD because I'm a guy kicking in though.
Good job though.
Andrew.
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
