Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: I LOVE IT!!!!! |
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THIS WAS AMAZING! i LOVED EVERYBIT!! OMG! please write more please please! lol
I love the personalirty, I just love everything about it, I don't know what else to say!  Ur awesome!!! I'm going to read it again!!!there i read it again!
omg, I am jealous, lol! You are an amazing writer and I could never write like that! lol.
The whole connor sold his kidney thing was classic and just to funny, and the diolouge was so real and today.
I loved hte crack u made about homer too lol. I LOVE where this is going and I really am going to be checking on it soon! God, amazing. Jo forever! lol. *BRAVO!* |
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Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
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JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1264
Reviews: 355
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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*Takes a deep breath, then screams:* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Ahem… so, shall I be serious now? Si.
You asked for this critique in my 'Will Critique for Food' thread ages ago, but I'm just now getting to it. Why? 'cause I'm a super busy loser. But all the same, I am getting to it, and hopefully it will help? At the very least, it will make you come back to an old piece with fresh eyes, and that's always good.
So! Let's see how much I can tear this piece apart, si?
*Grabs popcorn*
*Begins singing the first bit*
Nit-Picks
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‘Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for
- Just the Girl, The Click Five |
*Grins* I love how you all start with amazing song lyrics. 
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| I sometimes wondered, as all teenagers do, if there was something wrong with me. |
I'd ditch that part. It slows us down a lot, and this is the first sentence. We know that all teenagers do that – why lecture us in the first sentence? Besides, the next sentence pretty much states that.
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| We sat on the couch on Friday nights in our mismatched pajama sets, passing around bags of popcorn, and pretended that we just thought the actors on should there be a space here? screen were cute. |
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| Brad Pitt’s abdomen made me blush |
Heck yeah.
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“How do you know his birthday’s in January?” one girl wanted to know.
“He told me,” Loren said smugly, and the group sighed, a collective, jealous exhalation. |
This part bothered me. First there was just rumors, and that was great. But then a response to only one of the rumors? The dialogue tag is what ruined it for me – so sudden and… odd.
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| So I enjoyed throwing off the glamorous speculations with invented ones of my own, but they were all harmless, and usually so silly no one believed me, until the day I needed revenge. |
A bit confusing – I had to reread it.
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| The paper slipped from my hands when one of the freshmen bumped into me as she sprinted to class, and slid down the hallway, settling on top of Connor Stone’s shoe. |
The 'settling on Connor Stone's shoe' sounds like the freshman's doing it, simply because you just mentioned her. And I can't figure out who (or what) 'slid down the hallway.'
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| And within the space of fifteen seconds, Connor Stone managed to destroy my Calculus homework and five hours’ worth of hard labor. |
I don't feel anything here. Shouldn't I feel some sort of… emptiness? Dread? Also, add a line break or something after this.
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| “Nah, more like first eight. After that I just get bored. Better things to do.” |
*Glee* I loooooove him! Can I have him? Please? Please???
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| “And history, and Calculus, in about thirty seconds.” |
Should 'history' be capitalized?
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| I watched her drive away, windows down, the wind grabbing at strands of her dark ponytail. |
Barefoot?
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The sun reflected off her rearview mirror as she turned into the street, and mockingly, winked.
Heat rushed to my face. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong,” I said. |
In the first bit, I'd ditch the comma before 'winked.'
So, in the first bit, it sounds like she winked at him - which I loved. She was teasing him, which adds to the rumors, and explains why she was so... erotic with the socks, maybe when she first noticed him. But then in the library, she hadn't seen him? Yet doesn't have much reaction - doesn't slap him? I'd go with the first explanation - it works much better.
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| “Cool.” He slipped a book off the nearest shelf and flipped through it without reading any of it, then put it back in the wrong place. |
*Faints* Can I have him?
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| “I don’t think so.” I snapped the binder shut and moved his elbow off my backpack, intending to replace the binder and save the studying for later. |
I didn't like the repetition of the word 'binder,' and when had she taken one out?
Overall Comments
Just one thing: can I have him? Pleeeease?
'twas amazing, Princess.
Ooers! One more thing. I would like some more description in here. A lot of the time it feels like they're floating in space. Just little things about the atmosphere – the things you notice right away. In the parking lot, does the sun beat down on him? Are there cars there, or does it feel empty? Same with the library – give the feeling of it being quiet.
Also, try to work on their voices a bit more. Jo's is fine, but Connor's needs some work. The part about paying attention in lit class was great, but after that his voice blended with Jo's.
And don't forget the side characters. She had friends, and there were girls in love with Connor, but then they all just faded away. Sure, they can feel like they're the only people on Earth, but don't really make it that way. 
So! I'm done rambling. PM me for anything, si?
Oh, and *gold star.*
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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