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BigBadBear
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:11 am Post subject: Moonlight Dances In The Water |
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This is a really short poem, and I wish that it wouldn't cost me a hundred points to post this. -.-
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Moonlight dances in the water,
while midnight makes its approach.
A draft glides through the trees,
and all is calm.
Silence envelopes the wood,
and birds cease to sing.
Serene streams trickle slowly,
and moonlight dances in the water. |
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Last edited by BigBadBear on Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:21 am; edited 2 times in total |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: Re: Moonlight Dances In The Water |
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| BigBadBear wrote: |
Moonlight dances in the water, while
midnight makes its approach. I love the way that moon light and midnight sound together, I think it works really well here.
A draft glides through the trees,I almost think that this should be added to the next line, just for the flow and
all is calm.Hmm... I feel like I want more depth on the calm, why is it all calm? I guess... does that make sense?
Silence envelopes the wood,again I don't know if I like the break here, but it's up to you and
birds cease to sing.This line feels a bit over used, generally when people talk about quiet they mention the birds not singing, maybe find another way to describe quiet?
Serene streams trickle slowly, and
moonlight dances in the water. |
I wonder where you meant to go with this, like does it have a purpose? Is it just a discription or if for you there is a hidden meaning to the words. Don't get me wrong, it paints a wonderful picture, but I am wondering why you felt the urge to write it.
I did really like it though, I thought it was really beautiful in a serene sort of way.
Best of luck
OverEasy |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:29 am Post subject: |
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Moonlight dances in the water, while < Place “while” on the next line.
midnight makes its approach.
A draft glides through the trees, and < Place “and” on the next line.
all is calm.
Silence envelopes the wood, and < Place “and” on the next line.
birds cease to sing.
Serene streams trickle slowly, and < Place “and” on the next line.
moonlight dances in the water.
Okay, this is very cute. But you need more. Not because it’s short, there are many short poems that work very well as they are and there are no issues with them. This is not one. Your ending does not feel as though it is one. This is a mix of the line itself not being a conclusion and the poem having said nothing. It’s very pretty and I like the image… but right now it’s just a description of a wood and some water. Why do I care? It something happening? There needs to be something to keep me looking at this, as it is, it needs more substance than just a description of some area.
If you edit this at all, pm me. I’d love another look.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:11 am Post subject: |
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Penguin's comments about moving words, and it needing more are completely apt. I have some thoughts to add!
What I think about this when I first read it is that you are setting a scene. I expect there to be more, something come, what is happening in this place, why are you telling me about it, and why do I care? I believe that poetry should make feel something, it should make me think. This just put me in a place and then left me there to sit by myself--not a good thing for a poem to do.
Do you want to make me feel something? What are you trying to tell the reader? And if you aren't doing either of these things, then you don't have a poem. Think about the questions I've asked (Why are you telling me, what is happening here, why do I care, what do you want me to feel?) and maybe you'll find you have a longer and more vivid poem hiding underneath.
Best of luck! |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: |
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This was good for it's length.
I agree with Suzanne that maybe you should subtly add in an underlying message or something...
Anyway, this had great imagery despite not having much of a purpose outside of describing.
Or was there something more that we all seemed to miss? Why did you write this?
It was a good poem, none the less.
Nice work!
Good luck if you pursue improvement on this!
-GC10 |
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simple-harmonic-motion
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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You evoked the atmosphere well.
And in response to some of the commentary that has been beft previous to my reply- please ignore it. the piece puts in my mind nothing but Carl Sandburg's poetic voice and vision!
Well done! |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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Moonlight dances in the water, while <--- Penguin's right. While should be on the next line.
midnight makes its approach.
A draft glides through the trees, and <--- "Draft" isn't quite the right word, and nor is "glides." I would rather have a little more personification, like, "a breeze tickles the trees" though that might not work because of the whole "all is calm" thing.
all is calm.
Silence envelopes the wood, and <--- I don't like the word "envelopes." Maybe "blankets"?
birds cease to sing. <--- ZOMG. Okay, I'm a bird freak, but by the time moonlight comes, most birds are quiet. This makes it seem like they only start being quiet. And that's wrong. So this whole line is flail-worthy and doesn't make sense.
Serene streams trickle slowly, and <--- Serene? Come on! Bad adjective. And "trickle" and "slowly" do not go together. Best to get rid of the adverb, since it sucks.
moonlight dances in the water. <--- Same old same old... couldn't you think of anything better?
SO. That was just my thoughts while I was reading this.
What really really drags down this poem is the contrast. I like the beginning lines where moonlight dances on water, because it has a very active sound to it. I also like the "streams trickling" because that has an awesome sound and makes it seem active and alive. But you seem to be intent on making it so that it seems dead. You describe the silence enveloping the wood and you're trying to make it so everything sounds asleep, except your active word choice betrays you. But I sort of like that betrayal. The moonlight is dancing on water! In most mythologies, the moon is symbolism for a woman, and so it seems like the old concept of Mother Earth comes out, almost in a pagan ritual, and everything is alive. Which is very true because, if you are actually in a forest at night, you'll hear a lot of rustling and things happening, not just things asleep. So yeah. Be more active and vigorous.
Also, for the last line, don't just repeat yourself. That's boring. I would rather have "And water dances on moonlight" just to shake things up.
So yeah. I'm a rebel and would rather see things shaken up a bit. Right now, this is too dull to appreciate. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Your imagery is really beautiful, especially
"Moonlight dances in the water,
while midnight makes its approach".
I love the sibilance of;
"Serene streams trickle slowly", it fits in beautifully with the poem.
I think this would benefit from some expansion. I felt like you were just drawing me in when the poem ended.
I like how you begin and end with the same line as it brings it round in a circle which mirrors the calm.
I'd omit "and all is calm@. You'd done such a wonderful job of showing and not telling and I think this undermines it a tad.
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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Cade
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: |
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Overall, I finish reading this poem and wonder, "So what?" It's mostly description, and while the description is decent, I should like for it to go somewhere, know what I mean? The most depth that it has, far as I can tell, is that it's describing a change (as opposed to describing a static scene).
So. You have a good base in that, but the reader should be able to walk away with something...I want to leave the poem saying, "Gosh, I want to read that over again," or "I never thought about it that way." Where do you see this poem going? Does it have something to say? This is not to imply that all poems ought to have a "message" or that the "message" should be blurted out in the poem, because poetry-with-a-moral-in-the-last-line is even less fun than description-only-poetry.
Does midnight represent something? Should we feel uneasy or comfortable with the change? Even something as small as that--as making your readers feel something about the change--gives meaning/purpose to your poem. At the moment, I feel ambivalent about the change--the silence makes me uneasy, but the moonlight is dancing, which is happy. If you want your reader to feel ambivalent about that, exaggerate it more. Is it good? Is it bad? What does it mean to me?
| Quote: |
Moonlight dances in the water,
while midnight makes its approach.
A draft glides through the trees,
and all is calm. |
The first two lines have this sort of sing-songy rhythm, but the last two in the stanza lose it, which I dislike. I'd like you to scrap the sing-songy parts, personally, because they annoy me. Well, not the lines altogether, but at least rearrange some stuff so that rhythm isn't so weird. Here's how I might do it:
Midnight is making its approach. Moonlight dances
in the water. All is calm.
Even that I don't really care for, but you get the idea. Also, try to mix it up a little! Your sentences don't all have to sound the same, or be grammatically correct...you're allowed to be a little looser in poetry, provided you're not making serious violations for no apparent reason.
| Quote: |
Silence envelopes the wood,
and birds cease to sing.
Serene streams trickle slowly,
and moonlight dances in the water. |
I think that ought to be "envelops" in the first line of this stanza.
Again, mix up your sentence structure! These are both the same...booo-ring for a reader, no? It's just...this did this, and this did this. Blah blah blah. I'm also not really so hot on the repetition of "moonlight dances in the water." There's a time and a place for repetition; this isn't it.
The imagery isn't the most impressive. It's sort of typical Disney-style woodland illustration, and I wish that you would either be more specific--go into more detail--or describe it in a more...funky...way. Serene streams, who cares? Why not use a word you wouldn't expect to describe the streams? Personify them? Compare them to something un-stream-like? Your reader will say, "Now that's a super way to describe a stream!" You should describe it in a way so that the reader will know that the stream is "serene" without being told right off. Show, don't tell!
Try to use some more sound devices! Poetry ought to sound cool. If it's not pleasing to the ear, it probably won't be pleasing to the mind. Pay as much attention to the aesthetic parts of the poem as you do to the content.
-Colly |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry for the delay in this crit! You've had so many in-depth critiques already, I hope I can still be somewhat helpful.
I really like your poem. It is lovely description, and it paints a picture in my head, which is great. The one thing I didn't like was the repetition of the first/last line. It just didn't sound right to me. Also, I agree with Cade - while your description is really nice, it doesn't really lead anywhere, and does leave me kind of saying, "And...?" at the end. Maybe it needs to be put into context, maybe a character needs to be introduced, but it needs...something. Something a little more. I did enjoy it, though. It was very pretty. |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hey BBB,
This poem was just O.K. for me, I don't see how me critiquing this is going to help because you have a lot of critiques already.
However my favorite two lines, when they are corrected, Is this:
| Quote: |
Moonlight dances in the water,
while midnight makes its approach |
I really liked that line.
Well, good luck with improving this!
---Jon---
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