Topic ID: 33376
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 93
Reviews: 43
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:54 am Post subject: Off the Charts |
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The mirror is broken,
The lines are gone.
The heart's are smokin',
And we are wrong.
The Sun is not there,
The Moon won't shine.
Nobody is everywhere,
I wish you were mine.
The wall has a crack,
So do our hearts.
Our love will never lack;
Our love is off the charts. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:46 am; edited 1 time in total |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Posts: 438
Reviews: 81
Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
320 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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this was a pretty good poem. nice work.
just a few things...in the first stanza, gone/wrong is sort of a stretched rhyme. Perhaps change that.
I really liked the last stanza, though I'd suggest adding our at the front of the last two lines. That's just what I would've done.
Anyhow, good poem for it's length.
Good job.
-GC10 |
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"The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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mizz-iceberg
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 526
Reviews: 214
Country: Canada
417 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Nice poem! It has a nice rhythm and flows well. Kudos for that.
This was my favourite part
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The Sun is not there,
The Moon won't shine.
Nobody is everywhere,
I wish you were mine.
There's something wrong with the last two lines. I can't pin point exactly what but DO try what GC10 mentioned above.
Love will never lack;
Love is off the charts. |
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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smorgishborg
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Posts: 271
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Country: Somewhere that's green
350 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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This poem comes off as a collection of overused analogies and metaphors, cobbled together so that they rhyme. There is little substance to the structure, little sustance to the word choices, and ipso facto little substance to the poem.
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And we are wrong.
I wish you were mine.
Our love is off the charts. |
Taking the last line of every stanza yields a poem with the same message. And that message is a dreary, overused message.
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Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I write poetry
And I love you. |
That's your poem again. Worse, you've twisted and borrowed from the "equation" of this classic verse, which equates unrelated things in their certainty. "The Sun is not there/The Moon won't shine./Nobody is everywhere/I wish you were mine." doesn't have any logical relation that unites it, but you pretend that it does. This kind of poetry is easy to write.
The ocean is vast
The mountains are tall
The Beatles are iconic
And I love you most of all.
My point is twofold. First, you need some kind of structure to the poem, something that binds it together or breaks it apart, but it ought to be deliberate, and identifiable. Second, you need to spruce up your language. There's no single line in here that has any real significance, nothing that I'll remember.
It's needs more time and more work and more thought and more practice. |
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It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets |
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