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jessiieeboo
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 Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: Greg |
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Greg. My little six year old Greg fidgeted in his sleep but it didn’t bother me. What kind of mother would I be if I got mad about it? When we were sent to this horrible ghetto we were given only one bed in our apartment. The four of us slept in that bed; mushed together like peas in a can. Hitler had made my family, as well as many other Jewish families, move to these places to separate us but not only that, they have decided to tattoo us all to identify us. Names were not good enough for them.
I stood up from my side of the bed next to Greg, shaking the mattress ever so slightly.
“Mama! No stay with me!” Greg grumbled popping his head up from under the thin, dirty sheets.
“Go to sleep, Greg,” I whispered putting a finger to my soft, chapped lips.
As I lightly glided across the small room to look out the window I hear a faint, pattering of footsteps behind me. It’s Greg, clutching my arm with his eyes wide and bloodshot.
“Please, come back to bed,” He whined giving my arm a tug and looking at me with his wide, brown eyes.
“I will be there soon,” I smiled, looking at how innocent he was, “Go back to bed.”
“Fine, Mama,” he mumbled jumping next to Rose and Daniel. I took one last breath next to the window, gazing to the moon for a little bit of hope. I wished I had taken all this punishment instead of my children.... oh, how I had wished.
I make sure my feet are light as I crawl back next to Greg and pull him close to me smelling his dirty, greasy hair. His small, weak body crumbled into mine fitting perfectly.
“Are we going to make it?” Greg whispered.
“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.
“Are we going to die?” he asked in a soft voice. I could tell that he was drifting off to sleep because his eye lids started to droop.
“Not today,” I whispered back stroking his black, curly hair.
“I love you, Mama,” Greg sighed. A single tear ran down my pale cheek just thinking of what tomorrow would bring.
The next day we were all forced to gather onto a rusty, smelly train but Greg had refused. In fact, he refused to the German solider who had held him at gun point.
Greg put his hands up and said, "I hate you! You’re just trying to kill us all!"
I screamed and kicked trying to get to my son, my little Greg. The trigger was pulled and Greg lay on the floor in front of me. Blood poured from his meek chest and through his shirt. I wailed and dropped to my knees with Rose and Daniel behind me had been silent but crying, most likely afraid of being killed. At that time I wished Greg was not so brave and outspoken. I wished he was shy and quiet-- I stopped my thinking as I stood up. I didn't wish he was quiet or shy, he was the brave one out of all of us and he was what Rose, Daniel and I weren't. We would escape, for Greg.
Author's Note:
This is a writing assignment for school that was inspired from this book:
I encourage you all to read it.
(This is the edited version is it better? Please Critique.) |
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Last edited by jessiieeboo on Tue Apr 15, 2008 8:36 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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This has a lot of potential, but as it stands it's lacking emotion. You're halfway there - if you add to this piece and go into more detail then I think you could have a beautiful bit of prose.
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| I stand up from the my side of the bed next to Greg shaking the mattress ever so slightly. |
Get rid of the 'the' before 'my'. Also, stick a comma in after 'Greg'.
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Greg shouts popping his head up from under the thin, dirty sheets.
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Would he really shout if he had been asleep? Just a thought....
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| I whisper as I lightly glide across the small room to look out the window. |
I think you can add more here; perhaps the mother would hush the child and cover him back up, making sure he was lying down.
To Improve:
Add more detail. More description, more language techniques, more background on the family and the context. More use of the five sense to make the reader feel like they are there. You could really go in-depth describing the mother's love and fear for her children, the room itself and maybe even the city. Perhaps have noise in the background of guns or something - distant fighting.
Does this have another part to it or is it a piece in itself?
All the best and keep it up,
Alainna
xxx |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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'ello there!
I feel that this piece is a general outline for a larger scale in sending the reader off to the period of the Holocaust. As where it this story stands, you're holding back from one of the most terrifying and gruesome events to ever take place in history. Even today, the world is still shaken. So, why not shake the reader? Remind them the vile period of the Holocaust.
Agreed that the description is lacking, and I can suggest in fleshing out the characters so they're traits are more defined. There are many excellent usergroups on YWS to achieve this. Nuances of Dialogue deals with, well, speech. There the Character Development forum too, and many others to choose from. The setting is also not defined at all. Where is the family currently? Are they in a camp? Or are they traveling on a train that is on its way to a death camp? If the family is actually in a camp, which one?
The Jewish people when in camp were shaved, stripped of their clothes; men to one side, woman to the other. Families were literally torn apart. In the showers, the woman would all be washing with no sense of privacy what so ever and the men likewise. This is only a small sample, which is not shown at all in your story, which is why research will enable you to show us the "big picture."
Read "The Diary of Anne Frank," and I promise that you'll never forget the Holocaust for what it really was - words cannot describe it. Suzanne, a Mod of YWS, is in my personal opinion the "expert" on the Holocaust as her story, "Death Machine" is about the period. I must say though, "Death Machine" is extremely vivid but accurate as far as I've read. For this, I suggest reading it with a parent who can properly guide you through her novel (even though it is Rated R).
To recap:
*Working on description and fleshing out (developing) your characters
*Define the setting
*Be more concise with historic accuracy by researching until this period is so familiar to you, you are able to rattle of facts off the top of your head without relying on books every minute. It's OK if you're not sure about something and you need to reference to refresh your memory every so often but you must feel comfortable at the same time with the Holocaust. This means if you met say me in a mall and I asked, for example, what did the tattoos on the hands of the victims meant? Would you be equipped now to answer that instantly?
*Read novels (stories) that are connect to the Holocaust to keep your mind sharp and retrain such as, "The Diary of Anne Frank."
I'm one of the few people you'll ever meet that actually enjoys researching and while I'm no longer familiar with this period, having falling out of it, feel free to ask me or Suzanne for help. For that matter, I'm pretty positive anyone would be happy to help to the best of their ability.
Cheers! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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First off, the present tense makes me want to attack things violently. It's just annoying, and you won't find a lot of books written in it unless the author is amazing--really amazing.
Like everyone else is saying, this is bare on the description. It's just telling, really, and the story here is very basic. Heh, I feel honored that Samuel mentioned me as the "expert" on the Holocaust, and perhaps as far as YWS goes, I am! But I won't bog you down with historical nuances yet--first, the writing.
It just needs general improvement. Which isn't a horrible thing, when I was fourteen I wrote like this too! I would suggest purchasing Writing Fiction by Gotham Writers Workshop. I read this when I was your age, and it helped me improve by so, so much. Focus on one thing at a time though. Focus on making your plots better, your characters more real, your writing more interesting, and slowly you will become an amazing writer. A big problems with what you currently have, things that make Samuel and I think it might just be an outline, is the lack of information given. You say something like "We sleep in the same bed together because of Hitler" [obviously not an exact quote] and yet you leave out information--not to mention the information you give is all telling. From that, I don't know if they are in a gheto, a concentration camp, or neither.
Try to write out a time line of what you want to happen in your story. If this is all you want to happen, try to add more to it. Keep in mind all stories start from conflict, and though you may think the Holocaust is a conflict unto its self, it isn't! Look for more. Again, I highly suggest the book I mentioned above, and any other book you can find on writing. They're amazing! And read. Read, read, read, read. Reading will help you so much.
Good luck! And if you have any questions about anything I said, or about the Holocaust even, feel free to PM me. |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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Here is the tattoo I spoke of earlier. You were basically "tagged," and it's purpose was identification instead of the Germans using your given name; the Jewish were known only now by a number.
Story about a survivor of the Holocaust which connects to said above photo: http://www.jewishpost.com/news/105064-aka-fred-wolf-holocaust-survivor.html
(Very enlightning read, even though I haven't finished reading it yet).
And Suz, your so the expert with the Holocaust here.  "DM" is amazing. Ahem, where is the link to it now? XD
EDIT:
I'd like to add this: In my time, I've met the good and the outragious as far as people go. I've had the pleasure meeting some of the coolest people around but then I've met a Holocaust survivor too. To those who will listen, I've taken upon myself to keep his story alive.
Mr. Weise, my dad's old business boss was about sixty, nine years ago but he beared the tat. He told my dad and I, willingly on his own accord, and very quietly too might I add about his family in the concentration camp. His mother, father and younger brother one day were led to the gas chamber. Mr. Weise lost his entire family just like that, in one full swoop. He was fourteen. He never told us the name of the camp and we didn't ask. What I can tell you is his expression was very distant and I'm a firm believer you can see emotion through the eyes and what I saw was pure pain that has been locked up for decades. You have to see it to truly know what to find. |
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Moving Forward
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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I thought the story was well-developed. It had a good end, and I like how you left the reader to wonder whether the family would escape or not.
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| Mama! No stay with me!” Greg grumbled popping his head up from under the thin, dirty sheets. |
Because of the lack of a comma, I thought Greg was telling his mother to go away. Just a bit of confusion on my part.
Another thing I had to think about was how lips could be soft, yet chapped. Chapped, by definition, means rough, so rough and soft together threw me off.
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| I could tell that he was drifting off to sleep because his eye lids started to droop |
'started' and 'drifting' are two different tenses. A clearer way to say that: 'because his eye lids were starting to droop.'
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The next day we were all forced to gather onto a rusty, smelly train but Greg had refused. In fact, he refused to the German solider who had held him at gun point.
Greg put his hands up and said, "I hate you! You’re just trying to kill us all |
Ah! Tense switching! First, 'the next day'. Then you used past tense 'we were forced', he 'had refused'. Try to keep it all one tense for clarity of thought.
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| The trigger was pulled and Greg lay on the floor in front of me. Blood poured from his meek chest and through his shirt. |
I'm not sure if 'meek' is the right word here. www.dictionary.com says that meek is
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| humbly patient or docile, as under provocation from others |
. I personally wouldn't say that telling a soldier, while at gunpoint, "I hate you", is humbly patient or docile.
One more thing I appreciated was how the character's names related to the context. It would have practically ruined the story if (for example) the daughter's name was Demetria and the son's names were Alfonzo and Yoshikawa.
Good work! |
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Samuel Garrison
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: |
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Much, much better. The story has improved vastly. I can tell you're really trying to tell the tale of the Holocaust and you've finally reached the level where you've been able to foreshadow the period without going into great detail. In a short story, it is exceedingly challenging in getting enough details in and still manage to present the chars well, plot and setting. Now, you've accomplished it and by not sugarcoating specifics. The touch of where Greg is shot and killed was a fine choice. Now we have gotten a small taste of the mass genocide.
I will critique this hopefully tomorrow in depth. I commend you by keeping at it and working hard. I salute you!
Cheers. |
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writerscottie
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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| This story was quite good-moving and just plain good. You seriously have to get this published. I really want you to read mine now, since I really want advice from a great writer like you. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hey. Just one thing: I don't believe the jews were tatooed until AFTER they'd reached the concentration camps. In the ghetto they simply had to wait, and starve, and suffer.
I think you are lacking in EMOTION, not description. The mother didn't react as strongly as I would have thought seeing her son shot. Seeing his very blood seeping into the ground.
Other than that, I generally liked it. I would also suggest watching movies about this. I suggest Schindler's List (though it's R), or The Pianist. Two very good movies that acurately express the masacre and torture these people went through.
Keep writing. |
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Soledad
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this although the one thing that stands out is the lack of emotion on the mother's part. The part where she tells the boy that they will not die today doesn't sit right with me. Also, at the beginning you portray the boy as weak and needing his mother. Then you have him standing up to armed men...it seems a little unrealistic for a young child.
The mother's reaction to her son's murder was sad but you could have put a little more emotion into it. She seemed a little indifferent to her little boy's death.
This must seem very critical, but I enjoyed it. It was a difficult topic to take on and you included some interesting facts which make the story more believable. I would like to read more of this kind of work from you. |
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree that there is overall a lack of emotion or true drama to the story. It seems fairly watered down, without truly exploring the subject matter. However, apart from some of the errors already pointed out, the story was written very well. The Holocaust is an incredibly difficult subject to write about, and you made a good attempt. Keep up the good work! |
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Israeli_Camel
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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You did a good job on this!
Although I have a few tips that might make this better...
For the Jewish family that you were describing in this story, what concentration camp were they bound to? Was there a father? Maybe you could have described a little bit about the things Hitler did.
As a Jew, I think that this was written good enough, yet, perhaps you could have described the setting a little more. Also, what country was Greg and his family from? Poland? Austria? That would help.
One more little thing - what was the book that inspired you to write this? The photo that supposedly stated the title of the book did not show. Was the book Night? I would like to know.
Once again, good job!
Israeli_Camel |
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simmy90
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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This is quite a heart-rending tale, not necessarily of courage (although it showed when the six-year-old boy refused to get on the train and then when the mother said she was determined to escape alongside her other two children), but of the history this story represents. I've always been, for lack of a better word, intrigued by the Hitler era. What a tragic way for a race of people to die, disgusting really. And then when the soldier, out of pure carelessness and hatred of Jews, killed a six-year-old boy in this story. This was a well-written story and I rather enjoyed it.
Sorry, I'm really into history, ha ha. |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:06 am Post subject: |
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Heart breaking really. Stories set when Hitler ruled Germany always catches my heart. Really heart catching. Are you going to continue it or is the story just a kinda a prologue, just a prologue??
Anyway all i can say i that you could have written a little more and explained the background more. Anyway what can i say??
Its heart catching and okay. But you could have lengthened it but its not essential. Keep it short and sweet if you want.
I advise you to continue the story but if you don't want to then i have no grudge against you. |
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mynamehere
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: Edit |
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Greg. My little six year old Greg fidgeted in his sleep but it didn’t bother me. What kind of mother would I be if I got mad about it? When we were sent to this horrible ghetto (would ghetto really be a word used by a woman during the holocaust?) we were given only one bed in our apartment. The four of us slept in that bed; mushed together like peas in a can. Hitler had made my family, as well as many other Jewish families, move to these places to separate us but not only that, they have decided to tattoo us all to identify us. Names were not good enough for them. (i like how cold and simple it is. i do however find the blunt statements about Jewish families a bit odd. most people would know that and it just feels awkward to say it the way you did.)
I stood up from my side of the bed next to Greg, shaking the mattress ever so slightly.
“Mama! No, stay with me!” Greg grumbled popping his head up from under the thin, dirty sheets.
“Go to sleep, Greg,” I whispered putting a finger to my soft, chapped lips.( First of all i have never heard of soft and yet chapped lips. it seems as though you are trying to show the femininity (that's a word right?) of the character and also the harsh conditions however it comes out sounding like an oxymoron. Also, throughout this story it is told like an all knowing narrative but also first person. you seem very comfortable with narrative and your use of not only first person but also present tense is quite a difficult technique. I think you might have more success for now writing as an all knowing narrative in the past tense.)
As I lightly glided across the small room to look out the window I hear a faint, pattering of footsteps behind me. It’s Greg, clutching my arm with his eyes wide and bloodshot. (i had to reread this line because it seems as though he clutches her arm with his eyes. simple punctuation could probably fix this; if not rewriting the line would be quite quick and simple.)
“Please, come back to bed,” He whined giving my arm a tug and looking at me with his wide, brown eyes. (describing his eyes as wide in two lines back to back makes it feel redundant.)
“I will be there soon,” I smiled, looking at how innocent he was, “Go back to bed.”
“Fine, Mama,” he mumbled jumping next to Rose and Daniel. I took one last breath next to the window, gazing to the moon for a little bit of hope. I wished I had taken all this punishment instead of my children.... oh, how I had wished. (what just happened here. are you stating that in the past she had wished or did this accidentally slip into past tense.)
I make sure my feet are light as I crawl you are articulate enough to use a better word than crawl back next to Greg and pull him close to me smelling his dirty, greasy hair. His small, weak body crumbled into mine fitting perfectly.
“Are we going to make it?” Greg whispered.
“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.
“Are we going to die?” he asked in a soft voice. I could tell that he was drifting off to sleep because his eye lids started to droop.
“Not today,” I whispered back stroking his black, curly hair. nice line
“I love you, Mama,” Greg sighed. A single tear ran down my pale cheek just thinking of what tomorrow would bring.
The next day we were all forced to gather onto a rusty, smelly train but Greg had refused. In fact, he refused to the German solider who had held him at gun point.( Wow, quick transition. i am not sure that i care for that. also why did we switch to past tense.)
Greg put his hands up and said, "I hate you! You’re just trying to kill us all!"
I screamed and kicked trying to get to my son, my little Greg. The trigger was pulled and Greg lay on the floor in front of me. Blood poured from his meek chest and through his shirt. I wailed and dropped to my knees with Rose and Daniel behind me had been silent but crying, most likely afraid of being killed. At that time I wished Greg was not so brave and outspoken. I wished he was shy and quiet-- I stopped my thinking as I stood up. I didn't wish he was quiet or shy, he was the brave one out of all of us and he was what Rose, Daniel and I weren't. We would escape, for Greg.
(Yeah, overall i think this story does have some potential but i feel as though it needs some editing (what story doesn't). i hope that my comments can give you some ideas on what you would like to do to improve your story. Please keep in mind once again these are just things that I would change. I am not a published writer and have no greater experience than you. I wish you the best of luck as a writer) |
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