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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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 Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: Suicide |
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This is just a poem that I threw together one night in about 3 minutes
(and I'm not exactly the best at poetry either).
It's kind of depressing, I know.
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The sea churned and pitched,
the wind howled,
but he never twitched.
As the glowering clouds,
produced a steady-falling mist,
he raised his arm--
his hand a fist.
Face to the sky,
he let out sardonic laughs.
Then he tumbled from the bridge,
to avoid all of his gaffes. |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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The sea churned and pitched,
The wind howled,
But he never twitched.
As the glowering clouds,
Produced a steady-falling mist,
He raised his arm--
His hand a fist.
Face to the sky,
He let out sardonic laughs.
Then, he tumbled from the bridge,
To avoid all of his gaffes.
I really, really like this.
It's very powerful.
The underlined line above doesn't really fit, though, and it kinda disrupts the whole flow of the poem. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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thanks, nolan.
i knew that line was a little awkward, but i just needed something that rhymed.
i'm deffinately going to change it.
thanks for your comment!
-GC10 |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, this was a very intruiging poem. I liked the rhyming. I agree that it was very powerful. Short and to the point.
| Quote: |
This is just a poem that I threw together one night in about 3 minutes
(and I'm not exactly the best at poetry either).
It's kind of depressing, I know. |
At least you tried to write a poem. Some people just dump the idea and say they can't write at all. You did a very nice job.
Keep writing!
Becca |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, this is kind of depressing but I don't see how it's suicide. Mabye you want to explain how it is? I think there's a story behind it. I would like to have seen a little bit more detail. It was ok. Good luck and keep writing!
-Max |
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Tatra
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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I like this poem. I'm a bit weird though, I don't find it depressing.  But, then, one of my favorite songs is Into the Ocean by Blue October... Anyway, back to the crit. I like the imagery shown within this poem, it just creates an almost somber mood.
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The sea churned and pitched;
the wind howled,
but he never twitched.
As the glowering clouds
produced a steady-falling mist,
he raised his arm--
his hand a fist.
Face to the sky,
he let out sardonic laughs.
Then, he tumbled from the bridge
to avoid all of his gaffes. |
I fiddled with your punctuation, as I wasn't sure about some of them.
I'm not too fond of the last stanza, I like parts of it, but it does feel a bit forced. I think that it might work if that stanza was back down to three lines, mimicking the first stanza. Or, it would work to fix up the second line of the third stanza.
All in all, it is a great poem. I like how this isn't an angsty suicide poem, how it's telling the story of this guy's suicide, instead of the narrator moaning about their life. Just, keep in mind that not every line needs ending punctuation, and you'll do fine.
Good luck with your poetry! |
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Sinkingtooslow
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:27 am Post subject: |
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Very enjoyable, it flowed very nicely. Sounds very sad but soft.
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The sea churned and pitched,
the wind howled,
but he never twitched. |
That was a great beginning. |
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Evolmega
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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| I think this was great, has a deep meaning to it, including the fact that you wrote it in a short time, ;o. Goodjob! Keep writing =) |
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Bookmarker
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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Whoah! Enough with the big words.  You don't have to sound smart or anything when you're writing (But of course, I can't help it. JK) Besides that, the story was AWESOME!  It's a tad bit funny when you picture it. Some guy is standing on a bridge with a determined face and then  . He disappears beneath the roiling water. Now how about some happy stories? Okay? Sheesh. |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:14 pm Post subject: |
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It's not intended to be funny, Bookmarker.
Suicide isn't funny. |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:28 am Post subject: |
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Don't listen to Bookmarker...no offense to him.
This is a serioius matter and it describes brilliantly how people commit suicide. Like Evolmega mentioned it does have a very deep meaning to it. It flowed very nicely.
I'm not sure what to critique because, to me, there is nothing to critique. Very good job. =]
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spike71294
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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oh man
who says its not good
its great
it has loads of impact in it
it also has a nice rhythm
with all those rhyming words
its great.
keep it up |
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savetheoceans
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| Impressive. Expresses lots of emotion, almost to a point where you can feel it - due to the descriptions. Great use of words and vivid vocabulary. It may be short, but powerful enough to be present in my mind for a while. I like how the reader can know, even without the title, what the character or person in this poem is doing. Simply profound, well done. *thumbs up* |
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2Write4ALLways
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:55 am Post subject: |
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Face to the sky
He inhales a final breath
Then, he tumbled from the bridge
Ready to accept his death
Face to the sky
He lets out his last breath of shame
Then, he tumbled from the bridge
Finally out-running all the pain
Face to the sky
He exhales the shame
Then, he tumbles from the bridge
A final ending to the pain
Face to the sky
He cries out the blame
Then, he tumbles from the bridge
And no one feels the shame
Just some ideas, do what you want with them |
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Qultur
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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| For Jesus' sake; rhyme at the end of each line does not a good poem make. |
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