Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Danse Macabre
Danse Macabre

by Warrior Princess in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on July 1, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


The Princess and the Mouse

Topic ID: 32424
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
pirate_lover56227   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 4

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:59 pm    Post subject: The Princess and the Mouse Reply with quote

This is just a little story I told my little cousin when she was going through a princess phase. Any comments or suggestions would be much apreciated.

======

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess named Arabelle.

Arabelle was a very lonely princess. Because of her beauty all of the other young girls were jealous and wouldn’t play with poor Arabelle. Being the king and queen Arabelle’s father and mother were always to busy to pay any attention to their little princess.

One day when Arabelle was strolling through the royal garden she heard a loud screech coming from the rose bush. When she walked over to see what it was she saw a cute little mouse with a thorn in its paw. She picked up the mouse and pulled the thorn out of her tiny paw.

Ever since the little mouse, Lacy stayed by Arabelle’s side even in the house, despite the protests of Arabelle’s chambermaid, Fay. Soon the little mouse and the pretty princess became the best of friends.

One day three years later when Arabelle was working on her embroidery and Lacy was sitting in her lap overlooking every stitch they heard a loud knocking on the large door of the palace. Arabelle and Lacy peaked around the corner as the butler, Chives answered the door. They saw the royal messenger of Rindor clad in emerald green, the kingdom’s color, hand Chives a fancy letter. Chives called for Arabelle and handed her the letter.

The letter read, ‘Arabelle Princess of Hasron is cordially invited to the Rindor Grand Ball’. Lacy sat on Arabelle’s shoulder squeaking in confusion. Arabelle laughed and read the letter aloud before running up the grand stairs of the palace to show the letter to her mother, Queen Asturi. When she presented the letter to her mother Asturi simply laughed and told her there was no way she could possibly go. When Arabelle asked why her mother simply said that making all the young girls despise her by going to the ball would shame the kingdom.

Arabelle ran out crying. How could Mother say such things? Arabelle thought. How could going to the ball make the girls despise her? She already knew the girls didn’t like her. When she asked Lacy she simple squeaked and ran. Lacy led her to the large looking glass in her bedchamber. Suddenly it all fit together. It was her beauty that made the other girls not like her. She sighed and sat down on her bed. Well, she thought. If that is how they are going to be she couldn’t change that. But, she could go to the ball and have fun. She picked up Lacy. “I am going to that ball. And I am going to be the prettiest girl there.” She said defiantly.

She ran down stairs and looked in the drawers of the sewing room. She removed a bolt of royal blue fabric and held it up to her with a smile on her face. Yes, she would go to that ball.

For the next fortnight Arabelle and Lacy worked continuously on the ball gown. When they were finished it was beautiful. It was made from the royal blue fabric with silver bead work on the bodice and huge skirts. They had to make it secretly for fear of the queen finding out. They were done two days before the ball. They still had to find out how they would get there.

After they were finished with the gown Arabelle and Lacy went to the kitchen to talk with the cook, Gelda, Arabelle’s only friend other than Lacy. She was the only one who knew about the gown. As Arabelle sat on a stool helping Gelda peel potatoes she explained about their lack of transportation.

“I simply don’t know what to do!” Arabelle cried in frustration.

Gelda sat with a thoughtful look on her face before exclaiming, “Ronald! He can take you; he has to take a load of peaches to Rindor.” She saw the confused look on Arabelle’s face and continued, “All you have to do is sneak out and wait by the big oak tree and he can pick you up. I’ll tell him to meet you there at 7:30.”

Arabelle giggled happily and thanked Gelda before running out with Lacy to finish getting things ready. Arabelle and Lacy ran to Arabelle’s bedchamber to find shoes and jewelry to go with the gown. They looked in her closet and found a pair of silver slippers and a beautiful diamond necklace.

On the day of the ball Arabelle and Lacy scurried around trying to get ready quietly without being caught by Arabelle’s mother. When Arabelle had the gown, the slippers, the necklace, and a pair of white gloves on she took a peak in the looking glass. She looked beautiful with a silver tiara in her curly brown hair. She smiled before dashing out with Lacy behind her. Arabelle ran with her skirts carefully picked up, as they neared the big gold door, the queen appeared before the door.

“And where do you think you’re going?” She asked Arabelle.

Arabelle looked around frantically. “I am going to the ball.” She said standing tall.

Her mother gasped sarcastically. “Did I not tell you that you were not to go to that ball?” She asked sternly.

Arabelle looked her mother straight in the eyes. “Yes, you did. But I am going.”

The queen laughed, “Oh, I think you won’t.” She clapped her hands and two guards appeared on each side of Arabelle.

Arabelle gasped as tears filled her eyes. “You wouldn’t!”

Her mother laughed again, “Oh yes, I would.” She made an airy gesture at the guards. They stepped up beside her and grabbed her arms. She fought the guards and fought back tears. As they took her down the hallway toward her bedchamber Lacy climbed up one of them and tried to bite his finger, but the guard simple shook her off.

When they got to her bedchamber the guards opened the door and pushed her in locking it behind her. She was about to beat on the door but she knew it wouldn’t be any use. She sat on her bed and cried. After a minute she looked up at the old grandfather clock, 7:15. She wiped her eyes with a blanket on her bed. She looked back at the blanket and the window and had an idea. She could tie the blankets together and use them as a rope to go out the window. She had six blankets in her bedchamber which would be plenty for she was only on the second floor.

She began tying the blankets together. Lacy squeaked as Arabelle tied the blanket-rope to one of the posts on her bed. She quietly opened the window and dropped the other end out. She let out a sigh of relief. It was 7:20 so she still had time to catch Ronald. Arabelle put Lacy on her shoulder and walked to the window. She jumped up on the windowpane careful not to rip her gown. As she descended her heart leapt with joy. She was going to go to the ball! When she reached the ground she picked up her skirts and ran.

Soon she saw the oak tree and Ronald sitting in a carriage waiting for her. She ran up breathing heavily and stopped by the wagon. Ronald jumped out and bowed without questioning her running before handing her into the carriage. She sat thinking and became nervous as she thought of all the people that would be there and of the girls not liking her. As she neared the beautiful Rindor castle she pushed these unpleasant thoughts from her mind and held her head high.

When Ronald pulled to a stop Arabelle set Lacy on the carriage seat for mice were not aloud in the Rindor palace and Ronald jumped out and handed her out of the carriage. When they got to the door Ronald left her with a smile and a bow. She straightened her gown and held her head high as the doorman let her in as a handsome young man led her to the ballroom. When she entered all eyes where on her and she felt her heart beat quicken. She thanked the escort and he left her with a bow. Arabelle smiled as she walked up to a group of girls that looked about her age and introduced herself. The girls were polite but cold and she felt she was on the verge of tears. When she turned away from the girls she looked up and smiled as she saw the handsome prince of Rindor coming her way.

Arabelle danced all night and was very tired by the time the ball was over. When she arrived home her mother’s lectures fell on deaf ears for she had a magnificent time, and she had made a wonderful new friend, Charles the prince of Rindor.

~THE END~

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Avens Dolor   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

45
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 112
Reviews: 45
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 4:27 am    Post subject: Re: The Princess and the Mouse Reply with quote

I saw that you didn't get any critiques and thought that I might help out!

Comments in red.



-------
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess named Arabelle.
Arabelle was a very lonely princess. Because of her beautyComma. all of the other young girls were jealous and wouldn’t play with poor Arabelle. Being the king and queenComma. Arabelle’s father and mother were always to"too" busy to pay any attention to their little princess. You're repeating her name an awful lot. I'd strike it from the first line, and maybe at a bit of description before you hit with the name.

One day when Arabelle was strolling through the royal garden she heard a loud screech coming from the rose bush. When she walked over to see what it was she saw a cute strike "cute" little mouse with a thorn in its paw. She picked up the mouse and pulled the thorn out of her tiny paw. How does she know it's a girl? Also, you repeat the phrase "thorn in [possessive pronoun] paw"--find a different way to say it the second time, or add some action and contemplation in between as a breaker.

Ever since the little mouse Ever since the little mouse what?, Lacy stayed by Arabelle’s side even in the house, despite the protests of Arabelle’s chambermaid, Fay. Soon the little mouse and the pretty princess became the best of friends. Is Lacy the name of the mouse? When did that happen?

One day three years later when Arabelle was working on her embroidery and Lacy was sitting in her lap overlooking every stitch they heard a loud knocking on the large door of the palace. Arabelle and Lacy peaked around the corner as the butler, Chives Very stereotypical butler name. answered the door. They saw the royal messenger of Rindor The royal family or the country? You can't just throw stuff like this into the middle of a story. clad in emerald green, the kingdom’s color, hand Chives a fancy letter. Chives called for Arabelle and handed her the letter. Repetitive.

The letter read, ‘ArabelleComma. Princess of HasronGenerally fairy tales don't give the names of countries. is cordially invited to the Rindor Grand Ball’. Lacy sat on Arabelle’s shoulder squeaking in confusion. Arabelle laughed and read the letter aloud before running up the grand stairs of the palace to show the letter to her mother, Queen Asturi. When she presented the letter to her motherComma Asturi Just call her "the queen" simply laughed and told her there was no way she could possibly go. When Arabelle asked why her mother simply said that making all the young girls despise her by going to the ball would shame the kingdom. This doesn't sound logical. Mothers love one-upping each other. Mothers who are also royal? Well, let's just say that I can't believe she would keep her goddess-like daughter locked up.

Arabelle ran out crying. How could Mother say such things? Arabelle thought. How could going to the ball make the girls despise her? She already knew the girls didn’t like her. Well then why does she wonder how they could despise her? When she asked Lacy she simple "simply" squeaked and ran. Lacy led her to the large looking glass in her bedchamber. Stuff is happening too quickly. Slow down. Suddenly it all fit together. It was her beauty that made the other girls not like her. She sighed and sat down on her bed. Didn't she already know this? I mean, see the first paragraph. And then her mother even said so. Well, she thought. If that is how they are going to be she couldn’t change that. You're mixing tenses. But, No comma. she could go to the ball and have fun. She picked up Lacy. “I am going to that ball. And I am going to be the prettiest girl there.” She said defiantly. Should be: ..prettiest girl there," she said defiantly... But I'd nix the adverb--it's obvious that she's being defiant.

She "Arabelle" ran down stairs No space between "down" and "stairs" and looked in the drawers of the sewing room. She removed a bolt of royal blue fabric and held it up to her with a smile on her face. Yes, she would go to that ball.

For the next fortnight Arabelle and Lacy worked continuously on the ball gown. How old is she and how does she, a princess, know how to sew? When they were finished it was beautiful. It was made from the royal blue fabric Yeah, we got that. Use some more descriptive/metaphorical language. with silver bead work on the bodice and huge skirts. They had to make it secretly for fear of the queen finding out. This is understood. No need to say it. They were done two days before the ball. They still had to find out how they would get there.

After they were finished with the gown Arabelle and Lacy went to the kitchen to talk with the cook, Gelda, Arabelle’s only friend other than Lacy. She was the only one who knew about the gown. Tell us this before-hand. As Arabelle sat on a stool helping Gelda peel potatoes she explained about their lack of transportation. "lack of transportation"? This sounds very modern.

“I simply don’t know what to do!” Arabelle cried in frustration.

Gelda sat with a thoughtful look on her face before exclaiming, “Ronald! He can take you; he has to take a load of peaches to Rindor.” She saw the confused look on Arabelle’s face and continued, “All you have to do is sneak out and wait by the big oak tree and he can pick you up. I’ll tell him to meet you there at 7:30.” The timing is too specific for a fairy tale. Should be "at sunset" or "just before sun down" or something.

Arabelle giggled happily and thanked Gelda before running out with Lacy to finish getting things ready. Arabelle and Lacy ran to Arabelle’s bedchamber to find shoes and jewelry to go with the gown. They looked in her closet and found a pair of silver slippers and a beautiful diamond necklace. Be less direct and descriptive--let the reader enjoy the discoveries, and put more history into them.

On the day of the ball Arabelle and Lacy scurried around trying to get ready quietly without being caught by Arabelle’s mother. When Arabelle had the gown, the slippers, the necklace, and a pair of white gloves on she took a peak in the looking glass. She looked beautiful with a silver tiara in her curly brown hair. She smiled before dashing out with Lacy behind her. Arabelle ran with her skirts carefully picked up, as they neared the big gold door, the queen appeared before the door. Strike "before the door"--it's understood.

“And where do you think you’re going?” She asked Arabelle. "She" should not be capitalized.

Arabelle looked around frantically. “I am going to the ball.” She said standing tall. It rhymes! (Change.)

Her mother gasped sarcastically. How exactly does one gasp sarcastically? Cut your use of adverbs. "The queen gasped". “Did I not tell you that you were not to go to that ball?” She asked sternly. Again with the adverbs. We know who's talking, you don't need to tag it again. "I told you that no one was going to that ball!"

Arabelle looked her mother straight in the eyes. “Yes, you did. But I am going.”

The queen laughed, Period. “Oh, I think you won’t.” She clapped her hands and two guards appeared on each side of Arabelle. This is pretty drastic.

Arabelle gasped as tears filled her eyes. “You wouldn’t!”

Her mother laughed again, “Oh yes, I would.” She's too cruel. She made an airy gesture at the guards. They stepped up beside her and grabbed her arms. The queen's arms? She fought the guards and fought back tears. Please don't use "fought" twice in the same line. As they took her "Arabelle"down the hallway toward her bedchamberComma Lacy climbed up one of them and tried to bite his finger, but the guard simple "simply" shook her off.

When they got to her "Arabelle's" bedchamber Comma. the guards opened the door and pushed her "the princess" in locking it behind her. She was about to beat on the door but she knew it wouldn’t be any use. She sat on her bed and cried. After a minute she looked up at the old grandfather clock, 7:15. Again, too specific. Have her look out the window and see the sun falling. She wiped her eyes with a blanket on her bed. She looked back at the blanket and the window and had an idea. She could tie the blankets together and use them as a rope to go out the window. Too direct. Just say that she started or something. She had six blankets in her bedchamber which would be plenty for she was only on the second floor. Awkwardly phrased.

She "Arabelle" began tying the blankets together. Lacy squeaked as Arabelle tied the blanket-rope to one of the posts on her bed. She quietly opened the window and dropped the other end out. She let out a sigh of relief. It was 7:20 so she still had time to catch Ronald. Arabelle put Lacy on her shoulder and walked to the window. She jumped up on the windowpane careful not to rip her gown. As she descended her heart leapt with joy. She was going to go to the ball! When she reached the ground she picked up her skirts and ran.


Soon she saw the oak tree and Ronald sitting in a carriage waiting for her. She ran up breathing heavily and stopped by the wagon. Ronald jumped out and bowed without questioning her running "her actions", perhaps? before handing her into the carriage. She "Arabelle" sat thinking and became nervous as she thought of all the people that would be there and of the girls not liking her. As she neared the beautiful Rindor castle she pushed these unpleasant thoughts from her mind and held her head high.

When Ronald pulled to a stop Arabelle set Lacy on the carriage seatComma. for mice were not aloud "allowed" in the Rindor palace and New sentence. Ronald jumped out and handed her "Arabelle" out of the carriage. When they got to the door Ronald left her with a smile and a bow. She straightened her gown and held her head high as the doorman let her in New line: extend second half. as a handsome young man led her to the ballroom. When she entered all eyes where on her and she felt her heart beat quicken. She thanked the escort and he left her with a bow. Arabelle smiled as she walked up to a group of girls that looked about her age and introduced herself. The girls were polite but cold and she felt she was on the verge of tears. When she turned away from the girls she looked up and smiled as she saw the handsome prince of Rindor coming her way.

Arabelle danced all night and was very tired by the time the ball was over. When she arrived home her mother’s lectures fell on deaf ears for she had a magnificent time, and she had made a wonderful new friend, Charles the prince of Rindor. That's it?

~THE END~
---------

Nice concept, but you need to tie it together. The tone was very fairy-tale-like, which is perfect, but many of the elements of a good fairy story were missing. The mouse was cute but pointless. Unless she comes back at the end and makes everything end up Happily Ever After, it's just not worth it to have her there. The mother was also too heartless for no reason. Her logic made no sense and the way she treated her daughter was not at all maternal. The ending was abrupt. Everyone knows the prince and princess have to fall in love! Love must triumph all! I'm sorry, but this is just the way it goes.

Work with it, and untangle the parts that need sprucing up. It's got a very innocent and sweet voice, and works well for the genre, but it does need a helping hand.

PM me if you have any questions!

Avens

_________________
Click to visit my author blog!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
dommy65   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

57
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 18 May 2008
Posts: 137
Reviews: 57
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey

Well i'm not going to repeat all the little mistakes I found because Avens Dolor already pointed them out. I thought the story was told well, it had a great tone for fairy tales and personifying the mouse was very good. The only thing I think you have to work on is the ending, it's kind of a downer on the story. I mean we're all waiting for Arabelle to go to the ball but when she gets there, you don't describe it. Also describe her new friend and maybe what happened when she got home?

~Dommy Very Happy

_________________
I said your eyes, they say nothing
So you can't stop me
On summer days like these
I said words they mean nothing
So you can't hurt me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chirantha   View This User's Portfolio
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum

142
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 619
Reviews: 142
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1478 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your story is quite good but i'll have say that you should have described more about Arabelle in the ball and she falling in love with the prince.Her mother is too harsh and cruel

Get the ending to a good standard

~Chirantha Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
happy-go-lucky   View This User's Portfolio
Goody Two Shoes
Novelist

47
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 386
Reviews: 47
Country: England
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In conclusion, a good story and definitely something which would interest a younger reader. The ending needs a bit more work as it seems quite sudden and isn't life changing (which most fairytales are) towards Arabelle.

Couple of nitpicks:

Quote:
The queen laughed, “Oh, I think you won’t.”


Personally I think it would flow better if she said "Oh, I don't think you will" rather than "Oh, I think you won't" - but thats just my opinion Smile

Quote:
After a minute she looked up at the old grandfather clock, 7:15.


Instead of saying 7:15 say fifteen minutes past seven. That way it keeps it more traditional as 7:15 sounds like it's being read off of a digital clock.

Other than that a great fairytale! Smile

Did your cousin enjoy it?

p.s. who's Gelda?

_________________
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde

"It is not necessary for eagles to be crows."
- Chief Sitting Bull
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
FreakyDoo12   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

10

Age: 16
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Reviews: 10
Country: Darkness
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I will try to make this sound less harsher. You've done very well in bringing the characters to life especially with the mouse and I'll totally let you of the hook, as you mentioned that it is a story that you told your cousin. However, the ending of the story is a little to vague for me, I mean the ending,where is the magical kiss? The prince and theprincess areupposed to fall in love like Avons Dolor mentioned. I understand that maybe you were narrating it to a little kid so you had to edit some parts but you could also make it more interesting.


Over all I liked it since it captures innocence so I'll give you a 5/10

THANK YOU.

_________________
Scared are you?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
VampireBloodrace   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

14
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 14
Country: Damire - The Country of the Vampires
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I did like it, but there were some things that really bothered me. For example, you use her name WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to much! Consider adding 'she and 'her'. People won't find it as.......repetitive I guess I could say. All the other errors have already been pointed out, so I don't want to bother you and make you reread what sameone else has already written Very Happy

It's a good kid story though ^_^

_________________
I am Carzyl.
Fear me and hate me, for I am a bloodthirsty vampire craving for human blood. My deep crimson eyes will burn away everything you hold dear to your heart. My black hair will chew away your empty soul.

My fangs will steal your life.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
StolenHearts.   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

25
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there,

Really great for a child's story but as everyone has pointed out the mother was way to mean. I'm not going to repeat everyone so just edit in and take out some of Arabelle's names it comes up WAY too much. Well anywho i know this is short but good job, I'd love to see what you can come up with for an older reader.

With all due respect,

Mackenzie

_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
RayneChild   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 28
Reviews: 10
Country: Junia, the wolven country
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. I think the other comments exaggerated how many times you used her name. Yes, it was a bit overused, but not as much as what everyone says it was. There was just one main thing that bothered me. The title of the story is 'The Princess and the Mouse,' but the mouse really had nothing to do with the story. She was just kinda the "best friend," and not a major character. At least, not major enough to be in the title. I think the only time the mouse had any real importance was when she was first introduced and had the thorn pulled out of her foot. I mean, she couldn't even hang on to the guard's finger long enough to bite him. Other than that, I thought it was very nice. ^^ I have one question, though. Did you make this up as you went along when you first told it, or did you write it down first?

_________________
I am Rayne, the most feared wolf in all of Junia. I am a valiant and faithful warrior of the Water Clan, and my name is infamous world round. My killing method is not complex, so watch your back -
You may be next.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 1, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 1, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society