Alice
Disaster Zone
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 5332
Reviews: 259
Country: In a book or a story, anywhere but here
402 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: Forever rewrite chapter 2 |
 |
|
Sorry this story has been deleted. |
_________________
I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail.
Last edited by Alice on Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:53 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
Abocreature
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 17
Country: US
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: Re: Forever rewrite chapter 2 |
|
|
I like how you changed perspectives there! Great job! ^^
There are a couple errors I found, though, that I put in bold:
| Alice wrote: |
Chapter two
Jack drove a little crazier than usual, enjoying her squeals of delight and the way she [remove 'also'] held on tighter to him out of fear. Eve was perfect, even the defects of her family and how she reacted to them was perfect. It gave him an opportunity to do things like this.
“So ready for your uber pick-me-up outing?” he shouted back at her.
“Yes!” she shouted back [Put some sort of adverb here, just saying 'she shouted back' doesn't seem like she was excited].
“Hold on then!”
He kicked the speed up a notch; her hands gripped tighter around him. He really didn’t have any idea where he should take her. But wherever it was, it was going to be great! He was going to tell her he loved her tonight.
They’d known each other forever. He was sure he loved her since the first time he saw her. She was five and he was six, her mom had just run out on them and they moved next door. He watched her play alone in her front yard for days before he finally went and said hi.
Now twelve years later with her arms locked tight around his waist, he knew there wasn’t another girl in the world that could compare with Eve. He had no idea how strongly she felt for him, which was probably the only reason he was nervous about tonight.
He turned off of the main roads and onto the suburb streets, maybe to the park for a while. He had a small CD player. Dancing under the moonlight for a while was a good pick-me-up for Eve, and the perfect romantic spot to tell her.
The tires of his motorcycle squeaked as he pulled to a stop and kicked the bike off. “Nice night out tonight?” he asked as she slid off.
“Beautiful,” Eve sighed. “I feel better already.”
Jack smiled, good['good'? Was he saying 'good' or thinking 'good'? Because either way, you need to signify it with an italicization, hyphens, etc.]. He turned the radio on the soft music begging them to dance. “May I have this dance?” he asked bowing like an old fashioned knight.
“You may.” She took his hand and they started to spin around, neither of them really knew how to dance, so they just spun around slowly.
She laid her head on his shoulder as he pulled her closer. She moaned happily. “Enjoying yourself?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“I have an idea,” he said pulling her over to his motorcycle. “I know this great little club in town with always awesome music. Lets go.”
Eve smiled, “can I drive?”
Jack was hesitant, she could barely ride it herself, but maybe he could balance the weight out… “Ya, think you’re up for it?”
She smiled and shook her head, “No, I just wanted to see if you’d let me.”
“Not unless you’re wearing pants.” [I didn't quite understand this part, of course, I could just be tired.]
He kicked the engine into gear before he let Eve on. He always had enough trouble with it without worrying if Eve was going to fall off. “Hold tight,” He whispered over the gentle roar of the engine. Her hands clutched accordingly.
Within ten minutes they were nearing the club. He’d taken Eve there a couple of times. They always played good music, and never required them to buy anything. He usually bought a couple drinks anyways. Tonight, however, the line was far too long for them to have any hope of getting in before dawn.
“I need to go home anyways,” Eve said. “Dad would have a cow if I’m not home soon.”
Jack did not like the sound of that. Her dad was always a little resentful to him, so he didn’t want to make it worse. He turned his bike around and sped down the street. It wasn’t until Eve’s grip started to slip that he slowed down and reentered the speed limit.
“You okay?” he said when he stopped at a sign.
“I’m fine,” she promised, “just tired.” She looked more than tired, she looked slightly ill. Jack hurried home. He pulled the car to a quick stop just inside their drive way, and walked her to her door. Eve turned around to say goodnight and blinked at the driveway. “My mom’s car isn’t here,” she noted with surprise. “I’m far past dead if she’s out looking for me.”
“Chances are they won’t kill you.” Eve just looked too tired to care. He opened her door, herded her inside and gave her a quick kiss before he made her promise she’d go right to sleep. He almost said it then, but he chickened out. Now wasn’t the time. Not tonight.
When Jack drove back home he forced all thoughts about the night away. He needed to focus on the road. If he thought about every opportunity that had slipped past him tonight he would surely get into an accident. The surest thing to miss the rest of his chances was dying. He didn’t want to die without her by his side, his last image of the world should be of her face, full of love.
He slammed his front door shut and sauntered up to his room. Tonight had been great, but as times together went “great” wasn’t that good, in most cases, it would have been borderline sucky. Groaning he flopped down on his bed, turned his stereo on, rolled over and fell asleep in his jeans.
Tomorrow, I’ll tell her tomorrow,[Once again, signify thoughts. The only way this rule is bypassed is if you are talking in first-person] Was his last conscious thought before he fell into the oblivion of sleep. |
You don't have to change what I asked you to, in fact, most of them are probably just me being tired. I'm not exactly an expert, either. ^^;; |
_________________
You think I'm insane?
You might be correct... |
|
alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 899
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
342 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Alright, I'm convinced that the quotes hate me so if they work against me, I'll fix it as soon as I figure out how.
| Quote: |
| Now twelve years later with her arms locked tight around his waist |
"Now, twelve years later with her arms locked tight around her waist,..."
Apostophe.
Capitalize the first letter in the sentence.
| Quote: |
| Jack was hesitant, she could barely ride |
Instead of a comma, maybe say "Jack was hesitant as she could barely ride..."
Capitalize the first letter of the first word.
No comma.
Anyway.
| Quote: |
| Her dad was always a little resentful to him, he didn’t want to make it worse. So he turned his bike around and sped down the street. |
Connect the sentences.
| Quote: |
| she looked slightly ill. |
Take the first two words out.
Take out the second word.
| Quote: |
| He almost said it then, but he chickened out. |
No comma.
| Quote: |
| He didn’t want to die without her by his side, his last image of the world |
Semi-colon; not a comma.
| Quote: |
| Tomorrow, I’ll tell her tomorrow, |
Try putting these in italics and take out the second comma.
| Quote: |
| Was his last conscious thought before he fell into the oblivion of sleep. |
Try "That was his last conscious thought before he fell into the oblivion of sleep." or something like that.
Anyway, good job.  |
_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out |
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2035
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
392 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
**LOCKED** by request.
- |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
