Topic ID: 33149
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: {Edited version of untitled story, suggestions welcome} |
 |
|
I Still don't think of it all that good, but I reposted it with editing. If you have any title ideas better than something like "Backyard", then please suggest them here. 
-----
“Mother? May I go out?” I asked. Her reply was just a nod. I walked out of our small house and stood on the tall rock.
Beautiful
I climbed down from the rock and grabbed my stick.
Amazing
I approached the apple tree; it was covered with flowers. I heard a low humming noise- what was it?
Careful
I looked up- bees. Lots of them. I reached up, making sure it was a branch without a bee. I used my nails to cut the small stem and take a flower. I reached up again, this time almost hitting a bee-branch with my stick, as I took a cluster of flowers.
Keen
I sat next to the rock and put the flowers on it. I carefully removed the petals from each flower and put them in a pile, then did the same with the leaves. I stared out at my land; what was I going to name it? Lebian? Karnam? Zarun?
Young
I left my plant-piles and walked to open land. Small yellow flowers and poofy white-ball weeds covered the area. The warriors were there; the army was waiting. I dropped my stick and began picking the white-warriors, their small screeches carried away by the wind. I soon had a handful and took them back to my piles. I pulled the fuzz off of each one; and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way.
Alive
When in an area with plenty more warriors, I swung my stick, tossing the warriors away. The yellow-warriors were to short to kill, so I continued searching for the king while killing white-warriors along the way. Near the bushes ahead, in the shade, was a tall white-warrior...but not just a warrior, the king.
Reality
Ignoring the warriors, I ran to the king and dropped my stick when I got to him. I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun. I opened them again; the warriors- where were they? In their place..were plain flowers, weeds, and...the king? He was just..a weed also. I shook my head, bent down, and used my nails again to cut his stem. I took the weed back to the piles. I removed his fuzz, and placed it in the pile. The wind picked up, and the fuzz flew around the whole land, to soon grow again. The petals came next, then the leaves.
Dull
I walked near the great boulder and looked around, smiling. The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, they could fall on the dog-house. A bee landed on my arm, I panicked and shook my arm before running farther away from the hive. The hive would need to be removed; I could be allergic, and then die! I also needed to remind my mother to buy weed killer tomorrow, to get rid of the spreading flowers. My mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, it wasn't the Land of Lebian, it was the Backyard. |
Last edited by Firearris on Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:33 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
midnightwolf92
Bubbles in my mind....
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 405
Reviews: 31
290 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked this. I found it a little confusing at first but it all made sense towards the end, like everything. I do have a question though. Why just the one letter that was bolded at the beginning of certain words? Was it to make sure everyone got the meaning? Anyway, I liked it. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
Midnight: But the bold ones in order and see what you get,  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Conrad Rice
Clo's Girlfriend...You're Jealous.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 13 Apr 2008
Posts: 415
Reviews: 134
Country: The Ocean
433 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I found this to be a very interesting and unique piece, poetic in a sense. There's not much that I see wrong here. However, what interests me is the main character's development. She goes from flights of fancy to being very realistic and full of worry. I have to ask if this was intentional. Usually one goes from realistic to fancy, not the other way around. If you were wanting to show how disillusioning growing up might be, then I can understand that. But other than that, this is a good story. If you have any questions, feel free to pm me. |
_________________
It'll all be k, everybody. It'll all be k. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Conrad Rice wrote: |
| goes from flights of fancy to being very realistic and full of worry. I have to ask if this was intentional. |
Actually, yes, it was! When I was writing this, I wanted the character to go more realistic at the end, just to help end it, and to help come to the name conclusion. *hopes that made sense* |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Alteran
I kissed a Girl.... Not a Fan
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 2301
Reviews: 611
Country: Atlantis
486 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
The wind picked up, and the fuzz flew around the whole land, falling to soon grow again. The petals came next, then the leaves. |
It has a nice imagery to it. It reflects the growth of a child into the world I think. We all start out wiyth this sense of wonder and adventure, and as we grow, the wold grows real, and the magic dies. I think you captured that well in the last paragraph.
As far as a title. *thinks* The Once Magical World
Meh, just a thought anyway. I don't think you need to bold the first letter of those words. Making them single already stands them out, and when you scan down you will catch the word. |
_________________
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
Once Upon an Adam_Atlantian |
|
| Back to top |
|
JabberHut
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1054
Reviews: 468
Country: Candyland
1059 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi, Fire! I haven't critted in what seems like forever, so forgive me for anything that doesn't make sense. ^^
Grammar and First Impressions
| Quote: |
I pulled the fuzz off of each one; [no semi] and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way |
| Quote: |
The yellow-warriors were to too short to kill, so I continued searching for the king while killing white-warriors along the way. |
I think the repetition of warriors could be adjusted? ^^
| Quote: |
| Near the bushes ahead, in the shade, was a tall white-warrior...but not just a warrior, [dash instead] the king. |
| Quote: |
| In their place..were plain flowers, weeds, and...the king? He was just..a weed also. |
An ellipses has three dots. ^^ Having two dots looks too much like a typo. 
| Quote: |
| I removed his fuzz, [no comma] and placed it in the pile. |
| Quote: |
The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, [semi or dash instead] they could fall on the dog-house doghouse. |
| Quote: |
| The hive would need to be removed; I could be allergic, [no comma] and then die! |
XD
| Quote: |
| I also needed to remind my mother to buy weed killer tomorrow, [no comma] to get rid of the spreading flowers. |
| Quote: |
| My mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, [period instead] it wasn't the Land of Lebian, [no comma] it was the Backyard. |
Maybe put It was the Backyard on its own line too for added effect? ^^
Overall
This is still very cute, and I rather loved it! It's very childish and just... cute. ^^ There's nothing to destroy because it's all good, but I think you use the words warrior and then too much. Warrior I can handle though because you vary it by using yellow and white in front of it. Then, though, makes it look like you can't phrase it any other way, and I know you can!
But there's nothing to pick on. It's simple and easy and just marvelous. Great job again!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 899
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
342 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Like I just said, Jabber and everyone already got to it so there's nothing for me to critique. I liked it though, so good job! |
_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out |
|
| Back to top |
|
Clo
electronica dance queen
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 1081
Reviews: 266
Country: in an Octopus's Garden
1097 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Firearris! One review, coming right up! =)
Grammar & Style Crusade:
| Quote: |
| “Mother? May I go out?” I asked. Her reply was just a nod. I walked out of our small house and stood on the tall rock. |
I think the mother sounds strange here. No kid really says "mother" when they're young, at least not when actually addressing her. I think "mama", "mommy", or "ma" would look much more natural.
| Quote: |
| I left my plant-piles and walked to open land |
You say "land" rather recently - in the sentence before this one, though it's a different paragraph. Still, it stuck out in my mind while reading. Perhaps substitute it with a different world, like "country" or "realm".
| Quote: |
I pulled the fuzz off of each one; and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way. |
This is a run on, and the semi-colon isn't used right. Try rephrasing it like this: "I pulled the fuzz off each one and put it in another pile; I then made my way back. I picked up my stick along the way." Or whatever you, the writer, wishes.
| Quote: |
| When in an area with plenty more warriors |
"Plenty more" sounds very awkward, since they both have similiar meanings and don't really fit well together. Get rid of one or the other.
| Quote: |
| In their place..were plain flowers, weeds, and...the king? |
First, when using ellipses always use three dots. Also, there's no need for ellipses at the start of this sentence: "In their place were plain flowers".
| Quote: |
| The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, they could fall on the dog-house. |
You need a connector before the dog house bit. I think "or" would fit. "were needing to be cut, or they could fall on the dog house."
The Juicy Stuff
Overall, I really liked the tone of this story - it was so cute and innocent. It made me think back to how I used to play in my background, and I thought about it as a kingdom too!
One thing to mention is I had no real specific idea of what age the main character was. Was she/he very, very little - like a five year old? Or is this a slightly older kid, a nine year old, still holding onto fantasies? Because weed killer is the kind of thing an older kid would mention, so it made my mind stray toward the older kid direction.
And the last nitpick is the old and annoying need for "show, don't tell". Everything here is telling. You tell us what the character is doing, but you don't describe it greatly, or "show" it to us. Every now and then you need to show.
Other than that, very cute! I didn't read the unediting part, but I imagine it's improved.
Thanks for the read! I hope I helped! C: |
_________________
Need someone to toss the confetti at the ticker tape parade. |
|
| Back to top |
|
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'm here as requested and since i can't really go over the mistakes because everyone else got to them i will just go over the whole piece and tell you what i liked about it.
overall i liked how the little boy imagined a battle scene in his back yard and how he transformed it. the piece reminded me of when i was little in my own backyard, making up adventures and playing games and you did a good job capturing the scene of it all. i know it was a bad crit but what everyone else said it cleared up all of the mistakes and grammar issues. sorry i couldn't get to it faster and give it a better review
---Jon---
|
_________________
Got YWS?
@(V_V)@
www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32853.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jamie_rocks
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 355
Reviews: 48
Country: America
350 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:47 am Post subject: Re: {Edited version of untitled story, suggestions welcome} |
|
|
| Firearris wrote: |
I Still don't think of it all that good, but I reposted it with editing. If you have any title ideas better than something like "Backyard", then please suggest them here. I got nothing; I'm horrible with titles, too.
-----
“Mother? I think you can change that to a comma, and lowercase the "M" May I go out?” I asked. Her reply was just a nod. I walked out of our small house and stood on the Tall Rock.
Beautiful {color=red]Why only bold the first letter?[/color]
I climbed down from the rock and grabbed my stick.
Amazing
I approached the Apple Tree; it was covered with flowers. I heard a low humming noise- what was it? I know it's hard when you're talking in first person, but try not to start every sentence with "I." Vary it a little.
Careful
I looked up- bees Why is this italicized?. Lots of them. I reached up, making sure it was a branch without a bee. I used my nails to cut the small stem and take a flower. I reached up again, this time almost hitting a bee-branch the bee-hive with my stick, as I took a cluster of flowers.
Keen
I sat next to thet I thought the rock was tall? If so, it would be difficult for a child to sit next to it and place the petals on the top of it. rock and phut the flowers on it. I carefully removed the petals from each flower and put them in a pile, then did the same with the leaves. I stared out at my land; what was I going to name it? Lebian? Karnam? Zarun?
Young
I left my plant-piles and walked to open land. Small yellow flowers and poofy white-ball weeds color=red]Do you mean Dandelions?[/color] covered the area. The warriors were there; the army was waiting. I dropped my stick and began picking the white-warriors, their small screeches carried away by the wind. I soon had a handful and took them back to my piles. I pulled the fuzz off of each one; and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way.
Alive
When in an area with plenty Saying plenty more is redundant. Strike the plenty or rephrase. more warriors, I swung my stick, tossing the warriors away. You never said that they're enemy warriors. Maybe you should include that earlier, because I got the impression you were glad to see the Warriors. The yellow-warriors were too short to kill, so I continued searching for the king, while killing white-warriors along the way. Near the bushes ahead, in the shade, was a tall white-warrior...but not just a warrior, the king.
Reality
Ignoring the warriors, I ran to the king and dropped my stick when dropping my stick as I got to him. I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun. I opened them again; the warriors- where were they? In their place... were plain flowers, weeds, and...Space here the king? He was just.. a weed also Don't forget this is a kid speaking. I don't many kids that say "also.". I shook my head, bent down, and used my nails again to cut his stem. I took the weed back to the piles. I removed his fuzz, and placed it in the pile. The wind picked up, and the fuzz flew around the whole land, to soon grow again. The petals came next, then the leaves.
Dull
I walked near the great boulder I thought you called it the Tall Rock? Kids are specific about these things; you need to choose one or the other. and looked around, smiling. The smile turned faded into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, they could fall on the dog-house. A bee landed on my arm, I panicked and shook my arm color=red]Redundant. Rephrase.[/color] before running farther away from the hive. The hive Hive... hive, vary it. It's too redundant. would need to be removed; I could be allergic, and then die! I also needed to remind my mother to buy weed killer tomorrow, to get rid of the spreading flowers. My mother My mother... my mother. Rephrase. called me, but before I went in, I knew realized what the place was called, it wasn't the Land of Lebian, it was the Backyard. |
Okay, now for what we came here for. I like the piece and the child's view on the backyard. I'm not sure if the narrator is a guy or girl though. You might want to clear that up.
I know you're writing in first-person, but vary the sentence beginnings. I did this. I did that. I liked this. I liked that. It's boring. Switch it up a little.
I personally didn't understand the ending. Why did the narrator's perspective change? One moment it was a little kid's imagination, then all (s)he did was blink and suddenly there's a reality check. I didn't understand why that happened. I like that concept, but I think it would be better if this was stretched out a little bit. This part the child shows us the imagined world, then maybe in real life something bad happens, and the next time the kid goes out there it's all different. Other than that I don't understand why a little kid suddenly saw the backyard through the eyes of an adult.
Also, scenery. I get that there's a lot of weeds and a tree, but that's it. Let me into your characters world. Make me see everything through his/her eyes. I can't see the world too great right now.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think this could be a great story and I just want to help you make it better. Everybody else can sit there and tell you how great this is, but I'm going to give something other than grammar nit-picks. |
_________________
If life hands you lemons, make grape juice and let everyone wonder how you did it.
If you need a review, PM me or check out my topic in the "Will review for food" forum.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2035
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
392 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Fire!
| Quote: |
| I approached the apple tree; it was covered with flowers. I heard a low humming noise- what was it? |
Love, don't patronise your reader -- get rid of "what was it?" and just end the sentence at "humming noise."
| Quote: |
| I carefully removed the petals from each flower and put them in a pile, then did the same with te leaves. |
Typo! the*
So what did your character do? Make a sceptre or something? *reads on* Oh, nevermind.
| Quote: |
| I stared out at my land; what was I going to name it? Lebian? Karnam? Zarun? |
Again, don't patronise your reader. Leave questions for dialogue.
| Quote: |
| I left my plant-piles and walked to open land. Small yellow flowers and poofy white-ball weeds covered the area. The warriors were there; the army was waiting. I dropped my stick and began picking the white-warriors, their small screeches carried away by the wind. I soon had a handful and took them back to my piles. I pulled the fuzz off of each one; and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way. |
Some tasty imagery here. Very well done. ^^
| Quote: |
| When in an area with plenty more warriors, I swung my stick, tossing the warriors away. |
Say wut? Try, "When more warriors surrounded me, I swung my stick, etc. etc." The way you have now is just... weak.
| Quote: |
| The yellow-warriors were to short to kill, |
Typo! too*
Random note: I like how you refer to the dandelions as white-warriors. It's a nice touch.
| Quote: |
| In their place..were plain flowers, weeds, and...the king? He was just..a weed also. |
Personally, I despise ellipses (...) outside of dialogue. And only then, under certain conditions. They seem like a cheap ploy to me.
| Quote: |
| The wind picked up, and the fuzz flew around the whole land, to soon grow again. |
Let's not split the infinitive here -- try "soon to grow again" or "to grow again soon." Whichever you prefer.
[quote\]The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, they could fall on the dog-house.[/quote]
Okay, some issues with this sentence. One, you repeat "the" before "tree branches." One of them needs to be deleted. Second, let's get rid of some of the passive voice, mmkay? "The tree branches needed to be cut" would be less... obnoxious. Thirdly, change the comma after "cut" to a semicolon, for grammatical reasons.
| Quote: |
| A bee landed on my arm, I panicked and shook my arm before running farther away from the hive. |
Split this into two sentences after "landed on my arm" and before "I panicked."
| Quote: |
| The hive would need to be removed; I could be allergic, and then die! |
Okay, kill the exclamation point please and thank you. So amateur, so not necessary. A simple period will do.
| Quote: |
| My mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, it wasn't the Land of Lebian, it was the Backyard. |
Split this into two sentences, after "the place was called" and "It wasn't the." You could also mention all the other names your character thought of, along with Lebian, for effect. You could also make "It was the Backyard" its own paragraph and sentence, for further effect.
Personally, dear, I'm so not loving the acronym going on here. It's... eurgh. It detracts from your story, if you ask me. Maybe you could try twisting it so that each paragraph works with the acronym? Just a suggestion, but the way it is now is just irritating.
Anyway! A sweet, imaginative little story. Me like. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
| Back to top |
|
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks very much, all! I'll make the changes ASAP.
~Arris |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
