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xXParamoreXx
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: Somebody else's life |
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Whats wrong with me?
Is it the fact that i'll never see you again?
How am I meant to live?
Meant to keep sane?
I already feel like killing myself,
I push my face into my pillow and cry every night,
Will you save me if I fall?
Would you catch me,
Or would you let my drown in my tears,
Knowing you'll never love me,
I don't even know what all this means,
Who is this person?
Am I crazy?
Or is this a suicide note...
Not for me,then whom?
I won't die and I never want to,
I want to live!
Someone else's life......... |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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Will review in the morning. Here's my promise.
Eimear |
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tensazangetsu329
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: nice |
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It is nice, yet depressing, but thats okay because I don't show much emotion. Meloncholy! Anyways, it is pretty good, however, you may want to check the grammer. One sentince or section said my when it was supposed to say me.
~Jacob Myers~
here to tell the vampires' side of the story |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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OK, so I agree; it's a bit depressing however underwhelming at the same time. Questions can be effective in poetry but too many will just leave the reader feeling mildly annoyed. I would suggest one to open with.
Other than that, I felt that there was no belivable emotion behind the energy. The imagery is too sparse and cliched for me to think you've taken your time to write this.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear xx |
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tensazangetsu329
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: however |
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A lot of questions, though they can be annoying at time, other times can add to the intrigue of the story. I red a poem once that was nothing, but questions. it was wierd, though. You may want to use it in moderation.
like a good meal, moderation is the key |
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Kakburken
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:33 am Post subject: |
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You're describing chaos and confusion within, an agreeable topic if ever there was one. However, it rings a little hollow in my ears. You've painted the outline, but haven't filled out the form with this poem. If you want a piece like this to work I think you'd have to really dig into the juicy details of why you're feeling like you are, why would you want to live someone elses life? Just the fact that someone you love doesn't love you back, in the midst of teenage confusion, doesn't quite cut it for me. Sure, it sucks, but enough to back up a statement like that?
Also, I´m sorry to say that some of the lines you've chosen to use feels a bit old. We've heard this before, and even though what is written here might be absolutely true, and the feelings described will be forever current to a lot of people, you need a fresh way if writing it or a new angle to really catch the reader. Otherwhise you risk getting dismissed as cliché.
In conclusion, with a more vivid imagery and a deeper insight into the underlying currents this poem could become strong. As it stands I think it needs a little more work.
/Kind regards, Kakburken. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:08 am Post subject: |
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Hey Serenity! Long time no see.
First, I must say, this poem has a lot of promise. You've got the emotion... you just don't have the right words. Eimear was right, those questions do get a little annoying. Try losing some of them and taking more time to write out what you feel and elaborate a bit.
Hope I helped... That's the best I can give you. |
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xXParamoreXx
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks dudes |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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When it said 'Who is this person?' I thought the speaker had schizophrenia for a moment  then I realised it was about losing someone so it must've just been another person (I hope - If I'm wrong I'll be totally embarassed).
Was a pretty cool poem overall, I liked it - at bits it didn't flow but I suppose it's never the same when someone else reads it as when you read it to yourself.
Nicely done.
-Tusker- |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Less questions, and less of this: ........ It doesn't add anything to the poem, and your words should speak for itself instead of relying on excessive punctuation. I would change this:
How am I meant to live?
Meant to keep sane?
to this:
How am I meant to live,
Meant to keep sane?
I feel your emotion in this, but it is a little impersonal, anyone could have written it, so add some description, imagery, metaphors, something to make it your own and personal, to make the reader care more, and show us who you are. Keep writing! |
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