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ClimberSquirrel
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 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: A Redwall FanFic |
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I can't think of a name, so if you have suggestions, please post them. Anyway, here's to Redwall! 
Chapter One
From the diary of Deidan, historian and recorder of Redwall Abbey.
All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear the Dibbuns "helping" in the orchard. It is the end of The Summer of the Copper Rose. We never did have such beautiful roses as this summer!
Blackcurrant wine, fizzy strawberry cordial, October ale from two autumns ago, and goodness knows what else! All these delicious drinks brewed by the Stickleback family are to be used at this coming feast. I did mention the feast didn’t I? My mind is overrun with thoughts about it. It is our good Abbess Latter Rose’s tenth jubilee.
The otters, (excluding my good self), are gathering water shrimp, penny cress, and water chestnut. Half of them are really playing around, but Skipper is doing well enough without them. They are supposed to go and invite all the woodlanders to come to our feast when they are done.
Friar Burdock is in his kitchen preparing the food. Pastries, pies, soups, candied chestnuts, salads, cheeses, cakes, puddings, and other tasty morsels. His staff of helpers are also down there. I can smell it from here, the otters have returned and are making hot root soup. It is a favorite of the otters, myself included. I’m off to the kitchens to see what help they need.
Deidan, (Recorder of Redwall Abbey.) |
Last edited by ClimberSquirrel on Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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RatchetWriter
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hey,
Pretty good work!
I saw no grammar mistakes, and the way it is read, it could almost come right out of Redwall.
Simply said though, before this piece, some action, or at least some dialogue/enter a character is needed, because even in the spirit of classic Redwall feasts, (of which this does an excellent job of describing) this is kinda boring for an introduction.
As an introduction for the first chapter however this would work great. And since this is just fanfiction which isn't exactly writing stories (debatable) I applaud you!  
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ClimberSquirrel
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, I'll add in more A.S.A.P. I'll pm you when I've added it. Should I add the action or dialogue/character entry before or after the entry? As for the beginning, I read part of Mattimeo, and made my own characters and diary entry. I changed a few things and added some, so I'm not actually copying it, am I? BTW, any suggestions on the title? I still haven't. Maybe if I add more I'll think of one. Thanks again! 
-ClimberSquirrel |
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RatchetWriter
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, don't be in to much of a hurry, even though it's fanfiction. It's good to wait at least 3 days for other people to see and crit, and give them time to write one. Some people, (including me) read something, leave, and then the next day come back and crit it.
IMHO a character entry would work best, you wouldn't even need dialogue; kindof picture it, an otter, or something, walking through the shade of oak trees on some green mossy bankside. Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment.
Then flipping to your wonderful first chapter introduction the story could proceed to develop.
Since this is fanfiction you aren't copying anything at all, as far as I can tell, as long as it's not exactly the same thing, you're good.
And I have no idea for a title yet, though it's not really needed for a while anyway.
Snap... I write long reponses.. 
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Meep
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: Re: A Redwall FanFic |
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| ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote: |
All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear the abbey babes, known as the Dibbuns, helping in the orchard. |
Anyone reading this record (or fic  ) would know who/what the Dibbuns are, so you don't need to say.
| ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote: |
| It is the beginning of The Autumn of the Fallen Leaves. |
Doncha think this is kind of a redundant name for an autumn? Pick something particular about this autumn; leaves always fall in, well, fall.
Other than that, I think you've got a pretty good start, except for a couple of things: One, you haven't really introduced much of a plot, and two, this reads a lot like the opening of pretty much every Redwall novel. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, just something to keep in mind. You don't have to imitate an author's style when writing fanfiction.
The other thing I'd consider is just tightening up word choice, especially things that the readers might already know (eg: with the Dibbuns). Also, try not to copy too much. Just taking the original and changing a few things doesn't really count.
I'll be sure to check back for more. |
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Gabe
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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If I didn't know I would of thought it was Brian Jaques himself. You have same writing style. and I mean that in a good way. (But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. )
excellent description. It makes me feel like I can smell it myself. good work |
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ClimberSquirrel
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| Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry it took so long to reply, but thanks for the suggestions! I think I'll change it to the end of Summer, because I have some better names for it. I was pretty desperate when I wrote the season name.
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| (But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. ) |
You are right, I didn't mean to write it like Brian Jaques intentionally. I was just caught up in his stories, if you know what I mean. I f you don't, ignore my ramblings!
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| Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment. |
I remember how Brian Jaques would have a poem or song in the beginning. he sometimes had a couple of chapters with the bad guys or the hares of Salamandastron.(Love that name!) Is that what you mean?
Once again, I thank you for your critiques, and I will fix those errors you pointed out.
-ClimberSquirrel |
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denj
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| Posted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
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| I'm a big fan of the Redwall books, and this is probably the best fanfic I've read so far (but I haven't read many)! It would be hard to come up with a title at this point in the story, since we really don't know what's going to happen yet. Your descriptions were flawless, very similar in style to Brian Jacque's own. I'll have to follow this one and see where it leads! Very nice job! |
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ClimberSquirrel
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| Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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If only my brothers could give me a critique like that! Thanks for pointing out the title thing. BTW, which books have you read? I've read all of them, unless any have come out since Eulailia.*Not sure if any have*
Thanks for your critique! I'll post more when I get a couple more critiques.
-ClimberSquirrel |
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