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Getting Out
Getting Out

by Cat_910 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 12, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Storybook Chapter One
The Storybook- Chapter Two
The Storybook- Chapter Four
The Storybook- Chapter Five
The Storybook- Chapter Six

The Storybook- Chapter Three

Topic ID: 32969
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Ailam Remard   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:40 am    Post subject: The Storybook- Chapter Three Reply with quote

! Ok so I changed her best friend;'s name from marni to Jackie because I had no idea when I was writing this chapter that she would start hating her best friend, and I can't just go and diss the name Marni like that, because it is my aunt's name and we are best friends. Sorry for the confusion. !

Two things everyone.

First- The first and second chapter are the same day, the third chapter is the next day. Just so that's cleared up Smile.

Second- My good friend, Olivia, (day tripper) helped me a LOT with the begining of this chapter! Most of it she wrote and I just want to say thanks. Without you this probably wouldn't have been so good.

So enjoy!

Chapter Three

Nicole opened her dreary eyes, ears pounding from the loud screaming escaping her alarm speakers. She pulled her head forward to look out the window in front of bed, and then plopped it back down onto her pillow.

"It's too early." She groaned out loud. After a few minutes of waking up, Nicole pulled her still half-asleep legs off the bed, meeting the soft carpeted floors.

Before she padded into the bathroom, Nicole shut off the alarm and stretched. In the bathroom, Nicole took a shower. The hot water was a complete change from the cool air that was circulating through out her room. After a quick shower and after she’d thrown on her favorite Pink Floyd tee- shirt and skinny jeans, Nicole thudded down the stairs of her home.

“Nicole? Are you going to eat breakfast?” Her mother called out from the kitchen. Jeff was already sitting at the table, eating his cereal like a mad man. She looked away, disgusted. Nicole placed her backpack on her shoulders and thought ‘food? Or no food?’

“Nah, I’m alright mom!” Nicole decided and pulled opened her front door.

She slipped on her jacket and pulled up the hood, it was raining, yet again. Nicole loved the rain, always had.

Nicole hopped on her bike and turned onto the main road. She watched her hot pink converse all-stars peddle the bike down the street. She could get a ride with her brother every morning, they both went to the same high school, but she refused.

They had pretty much nothing to do with each other, he was a jerk. Jackie, her best friend, thought he was hot. She was disgusted by the very thought.

She locked her bike up at the bike rack outside of her school and pulled her hoodie up again. It had blown back on the way. She was nearly drenched.

She stepped into the halls of her crowded high school and pushed and shoved her way to her locker.

She put her hoodie inside and opened her backpack to take out the stuff she didn’t need for her first two periods and found the book sitting right next to her history binder.

“What?” she whispered out loud and took the book and set it in her locker. “Will you just go away?” she said, giving it a bonk on the spine.

She slammed her locker shut and headed off to first period.

“Nicole! Nicole! Nicole!”

Nicole turned around to see her best friend, Jackie, running up to her.

“Oh my Gosh! Oh my GOSH! Guess WHAT?” she screamed once she had reached her.

“Let me guess,” Nicole sighed. “Eric asked you out?”

“Yes! How’d you know?” she screamed again.

“Jeff told me, him and Eric are best friends. Don’t you think you’re a little young to be with a senior?” Nicole asked. “You’re only in the tenth grade.”

“Well, I don’t know. But come on! You know how long I’ve, like, loved Eric!” she said, stamping her foot on the ground.

“Mhm,” she mumbled, turning around and walking to class. Jackie followed behind her.

“Don’t be mad, Niki,” she whined.

“I’m not mad, it’s just Eric is really mean to me,” she said. Jackie was by her side now.

“I talked to him about that. He said he would try harder not to be, Jeff too.”

“You talked to my brother?” she said, raising her voice and looking Jackie in the eyes.

“I always do, sort off,” she said lowering her eyes.

“He’s a complete idiot. I don’t know what you see in either of them,” she said. They were outside of Nicole’s first period class now.

“Well, I’m going to go,” Jackie said, switching her backpack to her other shoulder, nervously. “I’ll talk to you later, ok?”

“Ok. See you in third.”

* * *

Nicole sat down with her tray at her usual lunch table. Only Jackie wasn’t there. She looked over at her brother’s lunch table and saw her sitting with Eric, holding his hand and laughing at his every word.

She fake puked on her food. She couldn’t eat.

She stood up to throw her tray away and saw Jackie waving her over. She looked away and walked outside.

“Stupid Eric, stupid Jeff,” she paused, and then added, “stupid Jackie.”

She shoved her hands deeper into the pockets of her jeans and hung her head. Only a few kids were outside, most were huddled in groups to keep from getting cold.

Whatever, she thought. I just won’t have any friends. I can be a loner.

Who was she kidding? Jackie was her best friend, although she could be a real wench sometimes. She had no one else, just Jackie.

She slumped down the brick wall and sat on the wet, cold cement.

“Nicole?” she looked around to find James standing there. His cheeks were bright red.

“Are you ok?” he asked her.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” she replied. “Thanks.”

“You want some company?” he asked, his cheeks turned redder this time.

“Sure, Jimmy,” she said. “Why not?”

He sat down next to her.

“Jimmy, when are you going to finally realize I’m a loser?” she asked, laughing.

“You aren’t a loser. You’re very pretty.”

Nicole could swear his cheeks were as red as a fire truck.

“Thanks,” she smiled. “You’re very, erm, nice.” Nicole was at a total loss for words.

“Do you want to hear a joke?” he asked her.

“Oh yeah! I could use one of those,” she said.

“Ok. Why did the chicken cross the road?” he started.

“I don’t know,” she said, trying to look dumbfounded.

“To get to the other side. Duh, Niki. You should have known that!” he laughed. “Why did the monkey cross the road?”

“To get to the other side?” she asked, laughing.

“No! Because he was stapled to the chicken!” he laughed, and then snorted. He pushed his glasses back up his nose.

“You know, you told me that one,” he said.

“Really?” she asked. “I don’t remember.”

“Yeah. It was in, like, the third grade.”

“We’ve really known each other for that long?” she asked.

The bell rang. James stood up.

“I’ll talk to you later,” he said.

“Anytime, Jimmy.”

He smiled and walked away.

* * *

She dropped her bike on the grass outside her house. Jeff’s car was already in the driveway.

She opened the door and saw the all too familiar skull hoodie lying draped over the couch. It was Eric’s skull hoodie. She groaned. She ran up the stairs and into her room before they could see her.

She could hear them laughing in his room. Idiots, she thought.

She put in Pink Floyd: The Final Cut in her CD player and turned it up to drown out their raucous laughter.

She heard Jeff’s door open and close and then them walking down the hall towards her room.

Knock, knock, knock.

She groaned and walked over to open her door.

“What?” she asked.

“What? What?” Jeff and Eric mimicked and laughed.

“Sorry, Niki,” Eric laughed.

“Can we borrow you CD player?” Jeff asked.

She stood in the doorway, the ghost of a smile, haunting her face like a cheap hotel sign.

The CD player played in the background.

“What the crap is this?” Jeff asked and walked over to unplug her radio.

“I never said yes!” she said, grabbing it from his hands.

“Ah, come on!” he begged. “You listen to crap music anyways,” he laughed, taking the CD player back and throwing her Pink Floyd CD on the floor. He took the radio and left.

Nicole slammed her door and sat on her bed, tears streaming down her face.

She grabbed her backpack and zipped it open. She took out The Storybook and set it on her bed.

“It’s time to find out what you really are,” she whispered. She opened it to find the same exact picture on the front page.

“Can I climb inside of you, or no?” she asked it and stuck her hand right through the picture.

The next thing she knew, she was really there, just like in her dream. She looked up to see her ceiling and the book slamming shut. Now only blue sky hung overhead, and she lay under the tree, feeling the soft grass under her.

“Great!” she screamed to the air. “If I’m asleep, I’d better wake up right now!” she shouted, pinching herself over and over again. Nothing happened.

She curled up on the grass and cried. Eventually she fell asleep.


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Last edited by Ailam Remard on Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:27 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ailam! Thanks for the little note in the begining.
YER WELCOME by the way:D I really liked this.

You really didnt have anything wrong accept a few
typos(:

"it was raining, yet again..."
there's no need for that coma.

"Nicole loved the rain, always had."
It should be "always has".

"Marni, her best friend, thought he was hot. She was disgusted by the very thought."
Haha! I KNOWWW that feeling.

"“Nicole?” she looked around to find James standing there. His cheeks were bright red.


“Are you ok?” he asked her."

Since Nicole isn't speaking between those two sentences, the 'Are you okay?'he asked her part can go on the same line as when he spoke the first time.

Oh yeah, and 'ok' is spelled Okay in books or else its O.K.

"...hoodie lying draped over..."
Lying and draped are bassically two adjectives. It's one or the other. It's either lying or it's draped.

"She put in Pink Floyd: The Final Cut in her CD player and turned it up to drown out their raucous laughter."
GOOD CD!Very Happy

"...ceiling and the book slamming shut." It should be and the book slammED shut.






This was very good, like I told you in chat.
I really enjoyed it.
Goodjob!(:

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aliam Remard,

No. No, no, no, no, no. I did not like this chapter at all. Ugh. Where do I start?

First, this was highly unrealistic. The dialog wasn’t right, the actions wasn’t right, and the whole chapter was rushed like crazy! I’m sorry. I hate giving bad critiques. I know that you can do better than this. I know you can.

The very first part of this chapter was insanely boring. It wasn’t as good as the other two chapters were at all. It was very slow and boring, as I have already stated. It basically just listed what she was doing in the morning, and that made it insanely boring. Never do that. Never. It will tick the reader off and make them not want to come back and read the rest of the chapter.

At school, it was girl gossip. That in itself was really boring. I can’t stand stories where all they do is girl gossip. I’m not very happy right now. I’m hoping in the next chapter that this will be more interesting. You introduced us to a couple new characters, but they were flat and unused. I don’t know what to say, Aliam.

At the end, everything was rushed so much that I couldn’t even understand what was happening. Draw the scene with her brothers out. Don’t hurry anything – it will only result in death. I swear. Everyone will eat you out.

I’m not saying scrap this chapter. Keep writing it. I’ll keep reading.

-Jared


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*gives Jared a really big raspberry* I liked it actually, I thought it was the best so far. Obviously Olivia (Day Tripper) liked it too. So did my uncle, but that's just how Jason is. And BTW, girl gossip ROCKS! Lol. Thanks for the critique, though.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I also enjoyed this chapter. I do see his points though.

True, it was rushed, and maybe could use some more detailing here and there on the characters, maybe even a slower pace.

Marni & Nicole & James: I don't know about anyone else, but when my friend Bevvy is talking about the guy she likes asking her out, she wants me to totally level with her. Which I do. Before she blows me off for him entirely. Then, I usually go off by myself in class and sit there reading until my other friend Lissy comes over and we talk. Lame jokes, reminisce momentarily, then head off for whatever. We don't really have lengthy conversations, they are quick, short, and simple.

Jeff & Nicole: My sister was just like Jeff when we were younger. I'd be playing Good Charlotte, she'd come in with her friends, and take my cd player, throwing my cd to the wood floor. Then, I'd get upset and resort to burying my head in a Harry Potter book, wishing I was there where I could just hex my sister for it.

I didn't notice any typos this time, which is awesome, but I do think you used her name a little to excessively. It's good that you do have her name, but maybe, use other words.

PM me when you get Chapter 4 out, I can't wait ro read it!

Cheering you on~
~Kiley

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned it but you changed the guy's name from James to Jimmy:

Quote:
“Nicole?” she looked around to find James standing there.


Quote:
“Sure, Jimmy,”


Everyone covered everything else. I thought it was a good chapter. Smile

-Always

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, yeah, Jimmy is a nickname if your name is James.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:16 am    Post subject: noooo. Reply with quote

I totally agree with the other critiquer.


can't remember who it was sorry.

This is NOT fantasy.


THIS IS TRIVIAL GIRLY 12 YEAR OLD TEEN FICTION.


Im so disappointed because i LOVED the 2nd chapter.


I could see it heading somewhere great. It was going to be a fantasy, there was this new other world and a strange mysterious book keeper and a book, i wanted to explore it further.


Yeah sorry to be harsh but the first two chapters were much better.

Olivia and your uncle are two people, out of billions. And what's more they are your frriends, so they are less likely to be able to judge your work objectively.

I mite take another read later . Sad
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good. Your plot is really moving along! Very Happy

I did notice a few things:

Quote:
Before she padded into the bathroom, Nicole shut off the alarm and stretched. In the bathroom, Nicole took a shower. The hot water was a complete change from the cool air that was circulating through out her room. After a quick shower and after she’d thrown on her favorite Pink Floyd tee- shirt and skinny jeans, Nicole thudded down the stairs of her home.


This whole paragraph was a lot of telling. The middle sentence, the one like: The hot water was a complete change from the cool air that was circulating through out her room. was really good! I liked it a lot. But otherwise, you need to try SHOWING more than TELLING.

Quote:
Marni, her best friend, thought he was hot. She was disgusted by the very thought.


“Jackie” instead of “Marni”, right? Or did you keep Marni as a character??

Quote:
“Well, I don’t know. But come on! You know how long I’ve, like, loved Eric!” she said, stamping her foot on the ground.


I think that stamping her foot was kind of dramatic…but maybe that is how Jackie is?? However, I still found this kind of unrealistic. I think that maybe her pouting or making a face at her friend would be better than stamping her foot…but that is my personal opinion so don’t worry Wink

Quote:
“Can we borrow you CD player?” Jeff asked.

She stood in the doorway, the ghost of a smile, haunting her face like a cheap hotel sign.

The CD player played in the background.


Okay, at this part…is Jackie standing in the doorway wearing the cheap hotel smile?? Or is that Nicole?? I was really confused at this part. Need to make that clearer.

Umm, besides that, everything looked good.

But I am slightly confused about a few things:

1) PACE. This chapter, and I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but it seemed like it flew by! I was like, where did the time go?? lol Wink so maybe try to slow things down. And this comes to my next thing…

2) SHOWING VS. TELLING. I must admit, this is my own personal struggle, and I saw a few instances in your story where the telling was overriding the showing. I just think that if you showed more, that might slow down your story as well, help with the pace.

Well, keep writing and I am on to chapter four!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry Xavia-finch, but I strongly disagree with you about this not being fantasy. Was the first few chapters of the first Harry Potter fantasy? No, they weren't. It was about a boy being abused by a fat uncle and a stupid aunt, who slept under the cupboard and barely got enough to eat. What I was trying to do in this chapter was explain who Nicole really was and what her friends and siblings were like.

Again, I'm sorry, but as an author and person, I felt I needed to get that point across.

-Ailam

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah but the first few chapters of harry potter was still linked to the fantasy world. There were clues to the magic world from the first page.


Anyways thats fine, but i just thought the whole girl school thing was a little overdone. I love the first two and fourth chapters better. Thats ok though its just one opinion and if you like it then thats great!


Have you read bras and broomsticks?



Style kind of reminds me of that.




Smile Smile

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