Topic ID: 32933
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Demeter
is dying to find her own Munkustrap.
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Reviews: 265
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
757 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject: A cul de sac |
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Darkness wraps me inside
Ever, ever again
Its soothing power holds me tight
Why in the name of Lord, why?
It won't let me go, still I feel free
But I'm not sorry
My lashes reach for the ceiling
I have been blinder than the alley
But I see nothing
There wasn't a thing I didn't see
The pillow of the night descends on my eyes
Now I am a strong birch tree
There's nothing here I miss
Golden chain through my fingers
All of it has gone away
The pearls of the eyes
But maybe that's best for me
A cul de sac – once again. |
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EliteHusky
Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 73
Reviews: 67
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:40 am Post subject: Great Poem |
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Great poem. Very unique and innovative vocabulary, such as using an alleyway to capture an atmosphere of bleakness, darkness, and as you put it, blindness.
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| Now I am a strong birch tree |
This is a very good metaphor, birch is a very sturdy and strong wood. So I guess it's better than Oak!
The use of italics really stood out as it's the first time I've seen this style used in poetry but it really helped distinguish the lines and add emphasis.
Overall, I'm not a poetry expert, but I rather enjoyed this short and nice piece.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky |
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TheIllusionist
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 9
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
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I agree, an excellent poem. The fact that you symbolize both development, and the end of said development (which is commanly forgotten by many writers symbolising such objectisisym) is breathtaking.
I might suggest something. Firstly, this suggestion has nothing to do about critisizing your work, as it is fantastic. But I merely suggest that you might try to write in a thrid person view. Though it is found enjoyable to portray one's self, to portray one's self through another is fascinating. |
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BigBadBear
look! it's Poe!
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Country: USA
993 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Demeter! What's up?
Before I begin, I have to tell you that I haven't been especially great with critiquing poems, so this might be full of praises. But hey, we all need an uplifting comment every now and then. 
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| Why in the name of Lord, why? |
This reads a bit awkward. I would change it to, "In the name of the Lord, why? Why?
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| It won't let me go, still I feel free |
Hm... I would insert an 'and' after the comma.
Erm... isn't a cul de sac one of the circles in a neighborhood? That's what my friend just told me. I didn't know what the word meant...so now I'm confused. I'm Captain Obvious, so I don't really get into poetry that means something deeper than it is superficially. The first bit was really good. I could feel what you wanted me to feel and the rhymes and the meter was dead on.
I love the second stanza because it all contradicts with each other. Very clever. See? All I'm doing is praising you. 
Like I said, I'm superly superficial, so I can't tell what this poem is talking about. I'm sorry. That's why I stick to prose. Much easier to understand. The last paragraph probably had this beautiful meaning to it, but I can't understand it. [/fails at poetry]
Well.. uh... best of luck!
-Jared |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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Country: In a Dickens novel
400 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:30 am Post subject: |
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Hello D, of course I'll critique your poem. I actually thought I'd reviewed it before, but I must have read it late one night before going to bed. So here I am!
Man, this was an interesting read. All of your work, and it's s trait that prevails whether your writing prose, non-fiction or poetry, has an honest, flawless conviction to it. I like the way your able to articulate your thoughts clearly to the reader, and there's always a strong emotion to your words, especially in this, that makes reading this very rewarding and endearing.
The poem itself is surprisingly complex, so much so that I actually had to re-read it several times to understand the overall theme of the poem. What I interpreted the meaning as was a dead end of sorts, the way the speaker feels like the walls are closing in on them, and the frustration is played out expertly in a couple of good metaphors. The birch tree is great, although I'm slightly confused by this one:
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Golden chain through my fingers |
Could you maybe post an explanation of that here? Or even PM me about that? It really intrigued me, because I sort of imagined something precious escaping you.
Anyway, I loved reading this- even if I did feel confused at times. Believe me, it's not anything on your part that's caused this, it's just me and my mind turning to mush during my holidays. Hopefully I'll get a PM sent to you later today before I go- I'm going to Scotland for a fortnight, because I wanted to congratulate you in earnest for becoming a featured member!
Love and Luck,
Eimear |
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horsez919
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Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I love this poem, another person said this too but it's very unique. I really don't have anything to critique you on.
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| The pillow of the night descends on my eyes |
This line is my favorite...I'm not exactly sure why. It gives a..gentle feeling..haha.
I'm not sure what else to say because this is a very well written poem.
Well..keep writing because I love your poems!! 
__horsez919 |
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In_the_Moonlight
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Joined: 09 Jul 2008
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Reviews: 50
Country: USA/Italy- Who says I have to choose?
441 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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| This is another one of your great poems. I didn't quite understand the begining, I think you could've explained a lot more. The size of your poem could have been a lot bigger, too. Was the character you were explaining going between thinking and reality, because I think that was the part that confused me the most. You have a different way of writing and hopefully you never change that. I like your style. Can't wait for more. Now i understand that you were telling two stories in one!!Nice!! |
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