Topic ID: 10075
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Incandescence
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 Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 5:01 am Post subject: A conversation with the dark |
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You sit on the fringe of my obsessions
like the dust that collects behind open doors.
You hold my attention too well--I know the taste
of unrequited love. I once thought dimly lit rooms
led to bedsheet romances, and stories
we would tell our children as they grew old,
taking our place among the loveless.
Yet I fear you will remain right
out of reach, despite both attempts
to draw our bodies together. I resign
myself to catching the moments
our eyes meet--a silent agreement
that what we want can never happen--
and forcing them to stay hidden behind
the doors we open, never forgetting
the one we could not close. I feel terrible
but I cry knowing our lives
will never cross this way again. |
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Galatea
ti'wari
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| Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice, Brad. You know I'm fond of your work. My biggest suggestion would be to (in some way) move the second stanza to a more active tone. The languid feel of the piece is very lovely, but can you present it in a more active way? (sure, if that makes sense). the "I fear, I resign, I feely, I cry"s take a bit of the fire away.
Keep writing, love! |
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xanthan gum
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| Posted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 2:29 am Post subject: |
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| I felt this situation, so I'm going to be all lax all on you. Basically, I love this writing style from you and I loved this poem. I mean, don't let it get to your head, you've written better. But this definitely doesn't place in the bottom half. |
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Gadi.
O FOR VICTORY!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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This is very good. You always know how to pinpoint an exact situation, feeling, relationship, using only simple words. Your opened doors metaphore was very powerful and was the key image in this poem, the one that stuck with me after I finished reading it.
One problem though.
"...I once thought dimly lit rooms
led to bedsheet romances, and stories
we would tell our children as they grew old,
taking our place among the loveless."
I don't understand what this has to do with the poem. I can somewhat see the relationship, but this is only vague guessing: that the two had experienced "dimly lit rooms" but his expectations of this experience were not completed. Is this right? If so, you need to connect it to the rest of the poem.
Very good though. |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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| The only suggestion I had was pointed out by Gadi, so I just have to agree with everyone else that his was a well-written poem by an adept writer. I enjoyed it very much! |
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strawberry saliva
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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this poem is deep although i'm not very sure what it is about.
i have never been good at interpreting poetry.
i had to comment on your poem because i felt like it touched me somwhere (i don't know where though)  |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my goddness! This poem was posted almost two years ago! Who dug this up again? 
I never read anything from Incandescence. I'm mad because he writes beautiful stuff I see. Wow, the was great and refreshing to read. No wonder you are one of the most respected members. I loved it and I hope you will do great in the near future! Best wishes. Peace  |
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NightmareMoon
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Very lovely. I personally like it when poetry does not rhyme, so I really enjoyed this.  |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: Re: A conversation with the dark |
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[quote="Incandescence"]I once thought dimly lit rooms
led to bedsheet romances, and stories
we would tell our children as they grew old,[quote]
Do you intend to tell the children stories you should only write to Hustler magazine?
Some lines are alright, but as a whole the poem lost me. But I think I still got the picture. I'll be on the lookout for other works you do, I'm sure you've done better than this. This just seemed mediocre. |
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SimplyPersnikety
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| Wow, This is a lovely piece of poetry! I agree with Wojovox. children stories and romances don't really mix well. I literally went "Huh?" and had to stop and reread that line. Over all jolly good show champ! Keep up the good work. Can't wait for more =D |
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