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wisemann210
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: Chapter Two : The Witch Hunter's Town |
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Chapter Two
The Witch Hunter’s Town
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence “sisters” she said “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.
“Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” Said Sarah
“I know that but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk” Madeline debated
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because it made them wet with rain water and as they descended they became cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going.
“
I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick” said Madeline
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that” Sarah said
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and made it normal size with a wave of her hand and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. “Ah here it is” Sarah exclaimed concentrating on the spell she started to say it:
objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
A mountainous, bright yellow light engulfed them for a moment and then vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that” said Sarah conceitedly “now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look” said Madeline “over there, that barn”, Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
In that?” “Asked Sarah” “look at it”
“
I know, but it will have to do until morning” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They were all in a line, marching up the hill to get some needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp that had a brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also they found a bale of hay, which they could sleep on during the night that they were there. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay the barn was completely deserted.
“Are there no blankets?” Whined Sarah
“Like I said it will have to do” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters laid on the ground trying to go to sleep when Madeline gasp, making Rose and Sarah stand up. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case was not good because at this time of night the witch hunters were out preying on unsuspecting witches. Sarah who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she was right about what type of premonition Madeline was having she and her sisters would need help, magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions in her deep pocket Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline came back into reality and was very frightened, sweat poured down her face.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Said Rose frantically
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, she was speechless
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes “what is going to happen?” Rose said calmly
“The, the witch hunter!” “Madeline screamed” with her finger pointing to the end of the barn where a man in brown, torn pants and a torn blue shirt stood.
“Sarah control him” yelled Rose “now!”
Sarah let out a green, sparkling beam from her eyes this time, which was where her power of control was strongest coming out of. The beam of green light hit the man then bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a wall. The man started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
“Filthy witches, your powers don’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty, I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago who dared to come here.” Retorted the man “now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whaled it toward Madeline, penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah, she took the vile of exploding potion and threw it, hitting his leg, blasting it off.
The hunter lay on the ground bleeding and knocked out from the blast, blood was strewn everywhere.
“Sarah, the healing potion, hurry!” Rose shrieked
Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline, it’s going to hurt, I’m so sorry” said Rose
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped it out of Madeline’s chest; she let out a horrid scream that could pierce a soul. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry” said Rose
Sarah rushed her the potion, Rose poured the potion on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body where the wound was. Madeline’s chest, from the potion, started to bubble and release a blue gas that vanished in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut,
“Come on, come on” yelled Rose, as hot tears ran down her face, Madeline started to stir.
Madeline slowly opened her eyes and sat up “what just happened, is everyone alright?” Madeline said
“We should be asking you that, you almost died” said Sarah
“I did?” Madeline said “well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there” pointed Sarah, she was pointing to the lifeless corpse on the ground, that was surrounded by a pool of blood.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline said
“My guess is that when Sarah did the spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable.” Rose said
“Well now he’s taken care of, we won’t have to worry” said Sarah
Sarah’s words couldn’t be more wrong in that moment, Madeline let out another gasp with her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition! Please let it be good” whined Sarah
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had.
“It was horrible” said Madeline” “at least a dozen witches trapped in the house we saw, I think in a dungeon of some sort, we have to help.”
“Yes” said Sarah “we must”
“How would we go about it?” said Rose “and what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die” said Madeline
Going down the hill made the Canaby sisters feel as though they were on an important mission, getting the dew on them from the grass. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, the Canaby sisters pondered which of the three old houses kept the witches imprisoned. They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that it was locked with a big iron lock.
“No matter” said Sarah “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked”
Concentrating, she started the spell
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
The lock rattled and turned bright red making clanking sounds as it did so, with that the lock settled back to normal only this time it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a stairway made of light brown dirt that led down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters without knowing what was at the bottom, started to descend into the darkness.
“
It’s very dark” whispered Madeline
“Yeah, I know” said Rose
“Hello we’re witches duh” said Sarah “let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands, the result was good, but the sight was bad. The dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness” cried Sarah “look at what that man did to them”
Rose and Madeline along with Sarah were speechless, they felt so helpless.
Sarah from nowhere started to say the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled and made a thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars and took out two vials of healing potion and uncorked them. Putting a vial in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage type prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts go away, the air from two vials of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue. A minute or so passed clearing the air and with it the witches started to wake up, and the first people they saw were the Canaby sisters. |
Last edited by wisemann210 on Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:40 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Sonlen
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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Hiyas!!! It's me again, well, here we go!!!
Firstly, you're still having trouble using quotes correctly, just put this into Word and go to grammar check to correct it.
Secondly, in the last paragraph, uncorked is one word.
"Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going."
Thirdly, here I feel that you should get rid of one "dusty," It's too repetitive here.
Well, that's it!!! |
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:07 am Post subject: |
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Okay, firstly the thing that brought this ACTUAl story to my attention was the UNCAPITALIZED title. It looked so unsuperior and naive; I realised that that was why you ahd no one else to comment.
Chapter two
Secondly the uncapitalised two of the Chapter.
The witch hunter’s town
Thirdly the uncapatilized words of the name of your first chapter. ARGHH! It burns! Please, if you capatilize things, it makes it much more easier on the eyes.
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence “sisters” she said “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.
“Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” Said Sarah
“I know that but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk” Madeline debated, There is a huge space here for somereason with only a "
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Fourthly, what's is with all this spacing, it looks kind of strange, why is it so far apart? It's like reading this:
The other day I went to the park and ate a donut.
It was brown and tasted like chocolate.
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because it made them wet with rain water and as they descended they became cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going.
“ Again with the ', what is this about?
I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick a fullstop or comma is needed here” said Madeline
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that Fullstop or comma.” Sarah said
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and made it normal size with a wave of her hand and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. “Ah here it is Fullstop or comma” Sarah exclaimed concentrating on the spell she started to say it:
Should be capatilized, as is the beginning of a sentence objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
A mountainous, bright yellow light engulfed them for a moment and then vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that Fullstop or comma” said Sarah conceitedly “A comma is needed here. now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look OKay the VERY last time I am going to write this, you need a comma or a fullstop, questionmark or exclamation mark at the end of a sentence that has been said!” said Madeline “over there, that barn”, Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
Uhh there is a space here for some reason, was this unintentional?
In that?” “Asked Sarah” “NEVER FORGET to capitalize your letters! look at it”
Space?
“
Space?
I know, but it will have to do until morning” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They were all in a line, marching up the hill to get some needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp that had a brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also they found a bale of hay, which they could sleep on during the night that they were there. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay the barn was completely deserted.
“Are there no blankets?” You have a capital here WHEN it is not needed! ^^ Whined Sarah Don't forget the fullstops on th end of sentences, they ARE always needed.
“Like I said it will have to do . or , ” said Madeline
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters laid on the ground trying to go to sleep when Madeline gasp, making Rose and Sarah stand up. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case was not good because at this time of night the witch hunters were out preying on unsuspecting witches. Sarah who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she was right about what type of premonition Madeline was having she and her sisters would need help, magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions in her deep pocket Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline came back into reality and was very frightened, sweat poured down her face. This is an extremely long paragraph, try breaking it up a bit.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Capitalisation is not needed here.Said Rose frantically . or ,
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, she was speechless . or ,
This space is not needed.
These space is not needed.
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes “Capital.what is going to happen?” Rose said calmly
“The, the witch hunter!” Why are there speech amrks here “Madeline screamed”[/i[ and here for?[i] with her finger pointing to the end of the barn where a man in brown, torn pants and a torn blue shirt stood.
“Sarah control him . or , ” yelled Rose “Capital now!”
Sarah let out a green, sparkling beam from her eyes this time, which was where her power of control was strongest coming out of. The beam of green light hit the man then bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a wall. The man started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
“Filthy witches, your powers don’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty, I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago who dared to come here.” Retorted the man “now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whaled it toward Madeline, penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah, Proably should be a fullstop and new sentence she took the vile of exploding potion and threw it, hitting his leg, blasting it off.
The hunter lay on the ground bleeding and knocked out from the blast,[/]Should broken up with a semi-colon ; not comma[i] blood was strewn everywhere.
“Sarah, the healing potion, hurry!” Rose shrieked Never forget fullstops.
Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline, it’s going to hurt, I’m so sorry . or , ” said Rose Fullstop
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped it out of Madeline’s chest; she let out a horrid scream that could pierce a soul. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry . or , ” said Rose Fullstop
Sarah rushed her the potion, Rose poured the potion on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body where the wound was. Madeline’s chest, from the potion, started to bubble and release a blue gas that vanished in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut,
“Come on, come on , or . ” yelled Rose, as hot tears ran down her face, Madeline started to stir.
Madeline slowly opened her eyes and sat up “what just happened, is everyone alright?” Madeline said Comma needed here.
Space not needed
Space not needed
“We should be asking you that, you almost died” said Sarah
“I did?” Madeline said A comma is needed here “Capital. well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there , or . ” pointed Sarah, she was pointing to the lifeless corpse on the ground, that was surrounded by a pool of blood.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline said Fullstop
“My guess is that when Sarah did the spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable.” Rose said Fullstop
“Well now he’s taken care of, we won’t have to worry” said Sarah Fullstop
Sarah’s words couldn’t be more wrong in that moment, Madeline let out another gasp with her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition! Please let it be good Comma is needed” whined Sarah Fullstop
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had.
“It was horrible Comma” said Madeline Why are there two speech marks?” “at least a dozen witches trapped in the house we saw, I think in a dungeon of some sort, we have to help.”
“Yes Comma” said Sarah Comma “Capital we must”
“How would we go about it?” said Rose “Capital and what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die Comma or fullstop” said Madeline
Going down the hill made the Canaby sisters feel as though they were on an important mission, getting the dew on them from the grass. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, the Canaby sisters pondered which of the three old houses kept the witches imprisoned. They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that it was locked with a big iron lock.
“No matter Comma or fullstop” said SarahComma “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked”
Concentrating, she started the spell
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
The lock rattled and turned bright red making clanking sounds as it did so, with that the lock settled back to normal only this time it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a stairway made of light brown dirt that led down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters without knowing what was at the bottom, started to descend into the darkness.
“ Are these " typos?
It’s very dark” whispered Madeline Fullstop
“Yeah, I know Comma i” said Rose Fullstop
“Hello we’re witches duh Comma or fullstop” said SarahComma “Capital let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands, the result was good, but the sight was bad. The dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness Comma” cried Sarah “Capitallook at what that man did to them Fullstop”
Rose and Madeline along with Sarah were speechless, they felt so helpless.
Sarah from nowhere started to say the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled and made a thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars and took out two viles of healing potion and un corked them. Putting a vile in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage type prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts go away, the air from two viles of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue. A minute or so passed clearing the air and with it the witches started to wake up, and the first people they saw were the Canaby sisters.Extremely long pragraph, break it up.[i]
And that is all the mistakes I can find, if there are some repetitive ones please be sure to fix up some I have missed.
Remember speaking must be like this;
"Hello?" she called out into the dark, "Who's there?"
Just an example I hoped this helped! ^^ |
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Billy
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Alright, looks like Light_Devil already got most of the mistakes. I'll just go through the rest now. But before that, let me just say that I've read what you've put up so far, and I like it, especially the spells and your description of the town.
I'm not going to go through the dialogue puntuation, since that looks like it's already been dealt with.
| Quote: |
| In that?” “Asked Sarah” “look at it” |
Just something I noticed in this that you also did in chapter one. You don't need to put quotation marks around the words asked Sarah, as well. This should read: "In that?" Asked Sarah, "Look at it!"
| Quote: |
| Sarah who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. |
The last part didn't quite make sense, and you missed a couple of commas. This should read: Sarah, who just wanted to be precautionary, took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and (I'm just guessing here) returned it to its normal size with her hand.
| Quote: |
| “The, the witch hunter!” “Madeline screamed” |
Again, you don't need quotation marks around Madeline screamed.
| Quote: |
| The man started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it. |
I'm really just being pedantic here, but right now it sounds like the witch hunter's shirt is a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it. You should change the sentence just a bit, make it more along these lines: The man started to laugh as he reached underneath his shirt and pulled out a medallion that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it.
| Quote: |
| and whaled it toward Madeline |
Again, I'm not quite sure what you meant here, maybe whirled or hurled?
| Quote: |
| Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice. |
Two things here: Firsty, in this context, it should be vial, not vile. Vile is an adjective. Secondly, it should be within a second's notice.
| Quote: |
| Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped it out of Madeline’s chest |
There's not really any problem with this sentence, just that she probably wouldn't have [i]ripped the dagger out of her chest, she probably would have eased it out or something. Ripped is a little too violent, and ripping the dagger out of her chest would have almost certainly killed her.
| Quote: |
| As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking |
I'm not sure what you meant by 'as what happened', but it's not necessary here. You could just say that all of the locks glowed red and began shaking.
| Quote: |
| Sarah flung open the bars and took out two viles of healing potion |
Again, vials, not viles. You did this a few more times in this paragraph.
One last thing, you forgot to put full stops at the end of some of the lines. Also, Sarah seemed to be the only one with proper knowledge of magic. Give the other two a turn at thinking up a spell  .
Aside from that, it's a good story. I can't wait to read more of it. PM me when you've written the next part.
-Billy |
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Clo
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, here I am! First, I must say that I hope you revised your first chapter with all those wonderful suggestions everyone gave you. I read it, and since you had so many wonderful reviews, decided to move onto your next chapters. Before moving on further, I suggest you go back to your first chapter and really fix it up as everyone suggested. Make it a really strong beginning that will make you feel super confident about the story.
| Quote: |
| “sisters” she said “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep. |
You need to work on dialogue grammar. I know - it's a pain. I would suggest buying a book on writing and checking out the dialogue section. Study it until you're a master! To correct this:
"Sisters," she said, "I think we should rest a bit; let's go down and find somewhere to sleep." <--- you never ended the quotation.
| Quote: |
| “Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” Said Sarah |
If you want this sentence to flow nicely, I would suggest the "are you kidding" part to be a seperate sentence. Like: "Are you kidding, Madeline?"
Also, I think about is the wrong word to use here. When I first read it I thought you meant about as in "that's what they're a about". Try changing it "all over the place".
And, with dialogue, do not capitalized words after dialogue that are not proper nouns. "Said" should be "said".
Examples:
"Move over!" she said. (see?)
"Move over!" Anne said. (it's a name, so capitalized)
"Move over!" she huffed, pushing him herself. (not capitalized, since it's not a proper noun)
"Move over!" She pushed him aside herself. (okay, with this one, this is a whole new sentence unrelated to the dialogue. So you capitalize it. See?)
| Quote: |
| “I know that but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk” Madeline debated |
"I know that, but if we keep flying like this we may not make. We have to take the risk."
Period comes at the end of the sentence, even in dialogue.
“
agree with Madeline, Sarah lets go” Rose retorted
Typos. "I agree with Madeline, Sarah, let's go." Rose retorted. As for the use of retort here, this isn't actually a retort. Try a more appropriate word.
| Quote: |
“That was that” said Sarah conceitedly “now to find somewhere to stay for the night.” |
"That was that." said Sarah conceitedly. "Now, to find somewhere to stay for the night."
Dialogue punctuation! You need to work on it.
| Quote: |
“Look” said Madeline “over there, that barn”, Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
In that?” “Asked Sarah” “look at it” |
Grammar issues abound here. This is how the sentences should look:
"Look," said Madeline, "over there, that barn!" Madeline had her finger in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart. (also, here, because you already mention that it's a barn, trying saying something like "destitute building" or "ramshackle building".
"In that?" asked Sarah. "Look at it!"
Okay, so good things! I really like the idea of three witch sisters going out and doing their thing. Very fun! I like the three girls you have here, but the problem is, I can't really tell them apart. I can't get a sense of their personalities underneath their names. And what do they look like? I don't believe you ever described them.
And it's a little fuzzy what their actual goal is. What are they trying to do? You need to clarify this in the storyline.
This was an enjoyable read. Thanks, and PM me if you have any questions! |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| wisemann210 wrote: |
Chapter Two
The Witch Hunter’s Town
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence “Sisters,” she said. “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.”
“Are you kidding Madeline? Witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches!” Said exclaimed Sarah.
“I know that, but if we keep flying like this we may not make it; we have to take the risk,” Madeline debated added
“I agree with Madeline, Sarah let’s go,” Rose retorted decided
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah reluctantly followed quickly descended through the thick clouds, and Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because as it made them wet soaked them with rain water and as they descended they became cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground, the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty Saying dusty again is repetitive. Find another adjective. road, an old breaking down sagging[b] barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them [b]sisters[/s] see where they were going.
“
I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick[b],” said Madeline.
“Oh wait; I have a spell in my spell book to do that,” Sarah said informed them.
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and made it normal size with a wave of her hand, and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. Okay, this is very redundant. Find different adjectives or verbs or something. “Ah, here it is,” Sarah exclaimed[]b, and[/b] concentrating on the spell she started to say it:
Objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
A mountainous I think this is the wrong adjective for what you are trying to convey. Find something else., bright yellow light engulfed them for a moment and then vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that,” said Sarah conceitedly Since when is she conceited? She never seemed that way before “Now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look,” said Madeline. “Over there, that barn[]b.[/b]”, Madeline had her finger pointed in the direction of the barn that looked ready to fall apart.
“
”In that?” “Asked Sarah” “Look at it.”
“
”I know, but it will have to do until morning,” said Madeline.
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They were all in a line, marching up the hill to get some needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp that had with a brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also they found a bale of hay, which they could sleep on during the night that they were there. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay the barn was completely deserted. Okay, this is a little choppy. Here’s a possible way to rewrite it:
…glass top, and a few bales of hay that could be used to sleep on. Other than those and a few stray bottles, the barn was empty.
“Are there no blankets?” Whined Sarah.
“Like I said it will have to do” said Madeline.
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters laid on the ground, trying to go to fall sleep when Madeline gasped, making Rose and Sarah stand up. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case was not good; because at this time of night the witch hunters were out preying on unsuspecting witches. Sarah, who just wanted to be precautionary took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she was right about what type of premonition Madeline was having she and her sisters would need help, magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions in her deep pocket Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline came snapped back into reality and was very frightened. sweat poured down her face.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Said Rose Rose asked frantically.
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, she was speechless
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes. “What is going to happen?” Rose said calmly. But she’s not calm. She was just frantic. Allow them to show emotion, they could be killed
“The, the witch hunter!” “Madeline screamed,” with her finger We will assume she’s pointing with her finger. pointing to the end of the barn where a man in brown, torn torn brown Never use the same adjective twice in a row. Find something else. pants and a torn blue shirt stood.
“Sarah control him,” yelled Rose “Now!”
Sarah let out a green, sparkling beam from her eyes this time, which was where her power of control was strongest coming out of. You would think this time, since she’s facing a mortal, she wouldn’t use her full concentrated power. She should have used it from her eyes when facing Ruby. The beam of green light hit the man then bounced off like a rubber ball hitting a wall. The man He started to laugh as he pulled out a medallion from underneath of his shirt. It that was a silver circle with a black gem in the middle of it center.
“Filthy witches, your powers don’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty, I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago who dared to come here.” Retorted That’s not a retort. More like a taunt. the man. “Now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whaled it toward Madeline, penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah. she took the vile of exploding potion and threw it, hitting his leg, blasting it off.
The hunter lay on the ground bleeding and knocked out unconscious from the blast. blood was strewn everywhere.
“Sarah, the healing potion. hurry!” Rose shrieked.
Sarah took the vile and pulled the cork off within a seconds notice in seconds.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline. it’s going to hurt. I’m so sorry,” said Rose.
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and ripped Why did she rip it? That could speed up death. She should at least try to remove it gently. it out of Madeline’s chest. she Madeline let out a horrid scream that could pierce a soul horrid, soul-piercing scream.[/cb]. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry” said Rose
Sarah rushed her the potion, [b]and Rose poured the potion on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body where the wound was. Madeline’s chest, from the potion, started to bubble and release a blue gas that vanished vaporized in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut.
“Come on, come on!” yelled Rose, as hot tears ran hot tears running down her face. Madeline started to stir.
Madeline She slowly opened her eyes and sat up. “What just happened? is everyone alright?” Madeline said asked, questioned, something like that
“We should be asking you that; you almost died!” said Sarah exclaimed
“I did?” Madeline said asked, surprised. “Well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there.” pointed Sarah, she was pointing to the lifeless corpse on the ground, that was surrounded by a pool of blood.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline said questioned.
“My guess is that when Sarah did the drying spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable.” Rose said answered.
“Well now he’s taken care of; we won’t have to worry.” said Sarah conceded
Sarah’s Her words couldn’t have been more wrong in that moment; Madeline let out another gasp, with her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition? Please let it be good” whined I think that’s more like begging than whining. Sarah. How come Madeline is the only one that gets premonitions? And why do they need them when Sarah knows everything? For that matter, shouldn’t Sarah have known that the spell would attract a witch hunter?
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had. That’s redundant. Find a different word for horrible.
“It was horrible,” said whispered Madeline” “At least a dozen witches trapped in the house we saw, I think in a dungeon of some sort, we have to help.”
“Yes,” said Sarah agreed. “We must.”
“How would we go about it?” said Rose asked “And what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die” said Madeline. Couldn’t they jus ask Sarah what to do, how to do it, and when? I thought she knew everything.
Going down the hill made the Canaby sisters feel as though they were on an important mission, again getting the dew on them from the grass. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, the Canaby sisters pondered which of the three old houses kept the witches imprisoned. Couldn’t they ask Sarah? They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that it was locked held shut with a big iron lock.
“No matter,” said Sarah. “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked.” Concentrating, she started the spell:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin Creative
The lock rattled and turned bright red making clanking sounds as it did so, well. With that the lock settled back to normal, only this time now it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a dirt stairway made of light brown dirt that led leading down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters, without knowing what was at the bottom, Oh, but one of them knows, because one of them has the gift of knowledge. started to descend into the darkness.
“
”It’s very dark,” whispered Madeline.
“Yeah, I know,” said Rose agreed.
“Hello we’re witches, duh” said Sarah. “Let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands, the result was good, but the sight was bad. The dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness,” cried Sarah cried. “Look at what that man did to them.”
Rose and Madeline along with Sarah The sisters were speechless; they felt so helpless.
Sarah from nowhere suddenly started to say the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
As what happened before all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled, and made making a thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars, and took out two vials of healing potion, and uncorked them. Putting With a vial in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage type prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts go away. the air from two vials of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue In such a confined space, the gas from the two vials of potion turned the air blue. A minute or so passed, clearing the air and with it the air cleared and the witches started to wake up. and the first people they saw were the Canaby sisters. |
Okay, now for the comments. One, there's a lot of grammar mistakes. I don't think you proofread this piece. Some of the sentences run-on, and punctuation and capitalization seem random. I think I caught most of those though, and they're minor mistakes, easily fixable.
Also, there's one major problem I caught. I can't remember which, but in the first chapter you said one of the witches had the power of always knowing. If that's the case, they would face no problems because she could tell them everything and they would never run into any trouble. In the story, they run into trouble a lot, and I'm not seeing much of her ever-knowing power. To fix this you either: make them not run into any problems because they are warned about all of them and avoid them (not a very exciting story, I would say), or give her a different power.
However, it still seems like an interesting story line with a lot of potential. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I only want to make your story as good as it can be. |
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xavia-finch
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
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Country: AUSTRALIA
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:02 am Post subject: Re: Chapter Two : The Witch Hunter's Town |
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| wisemann210 wrote: |
Chapter Two
The Witch Hunter’s Town
My suggestions are in bold - Xavia-finch
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence.
“Sisters,” she said, “I think we should rest a bit, let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep.
“Are you kidding Madeline, witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches,” said Sarah. >> Finding and torturing innocent witches seems to plain and obvious for a witch to say... maybe show it.. tell a story.. eg. "Are you kidding Madeline? Remember what happened to Galadriel Bilderbury? It's not safe for witches at this time of night... The hunters are relentless."
“I know that, but if we keep flying like this we may not make it, we have to take the risk,” Madeline debated.
“I agree with Madeline. Sarah lets go,” Rose retorted. >> I don't think retorted is the right word. It makes it sound like they are enemies having a vicious argument. New word.
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds descending fast, Sarah following reluctantly behind. Going through the clouds was a bad decision; it made them wet with rain water and as they descended, became bitterly cold. Finally reaching the dusty ground, the Canaby sisters looked around. They could see a dusty road, an old breaking down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them that produced enough light to let them see where they were going.
“I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick,” said Madeline.
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that,” Sarah said. >> Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book? Also a little bit obvious. Do you think she would remember every spell every spell in a book? That could be like remembering a history text book. "Oh wait," she quickly rambled, "I think there's a spell somewhere..."
Sarah took the shrunken trunk and with a wave of her hands, it had returned to normal size. After sorting through a jungle of clothes, she extracted and thick, ancient looking book. She flipped through its musty pages, looking for a spell that might dry them off so they could be warm again.
“Ah here it is,” Sarah exclaimed. Creasing her brow in concentration, she started to mutter the spell in a dull, hoarse whisper.
Objects that are wet
Where clothing and water met
Take the water away
And dry the clothes will stay
>> This poem needs some work. How can the clothes STAY dry if they were wet.. Rather they would transform from wet to dry..
Bright yellow light cascaded around them like an overflowing fountain and engulfed the darkness. Then, as quickly as it had come, it vanished, leaving all of the Canaby sisters dry and warm.
“That was that,” said Sarah conceitedly, “now to find somewhere to stay for the night.”
“Look,” said Madeline, pointing a long finger into the distance, “over there, that old barn.”
“In that?” Asked Sarah, a look of disgust spreading across her face, “look at it!”
“I know, but it will have to do until morning” said Madeline resolutely.
The Canaby sisters started to walk up the hill, getting their feet wet from the cold dew that had formed on the grass. They marched in a line, venturing towards the dilapidated shack in pursuit of some much needed rest for the next day of travel. In finally reaching the barn, the Canaby sisters found an old oil lamp with a dusty brass bottom and a dirty glass top. Also, they found a bale of hay, which they could transform into a sufficient, if somewhat scratchy, bed. Other than a few stray bottles on the ground, the oil lamp, and the bale of hay, the barn was completely deserted.
“Are there no blankets?” whined Sarah in an annoying, melancholy voice.
“Like I said, we will just have to make do,” Madeline replied.
The Canaby sisters scattered the hay across the dirt ground to make it a little more comfortable to sleep on. All three of the sisters sprawled themselves out, trying with difficulty, to go to sleep. Their eyes were barely shut, when Madeline let out a gasp, making Rose and Sarah jump up with haste. Madeline was having another premonition, which in this case[b], was not good because, if found by the witch-hunters, they would certainly be made a target.[/b] Sarah, with her precautionary instinct, took the trunk from the pocket of her green tunic and made it to size with her hand. If she had guessed right about what type of premonition Madeline was having, she and her sisters would need help - magic help. With an exploding potion in her hand and a few healing potions deep in her pocket, Sarah would be ready for anything. Madeline descended back into reality with a shaky, frightened sigh, sweat pouring down her clammy face.
“What’s going to happen Madeline?” Said Rose frantically.
A few seconds passed without a word from Madeline, who was mumbly deliriously.
“Madeline!” Rose held onto both of her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes “what is going to happen?” Rose said calmly
Suddenly, with no warning, Madeline issued a piercing shriek that could crack glass windows.
"The witch-hunter, the - the - inquisitor!" she gasped, pointing towards the end of the barn.
A maniacal man in brown, torn pants and a tattered blue shirt stood boldly in the doorway.
“Sarah do something! Control him!” yelled Rose with urgency, “now!”
Sarah's eyes flashed green, giving off a strange beam of light. Her stare was had the strongest power of control and was dangerous to any one who wished to keep their own will. The beam of poison green light hit the man[b], then bounced off his chest like a rubber ball ricocheting off the walls.[/b] The man started to laugh loudly as he pulled out a strange medallion from underneath of his shirt. It was a silver circle with a black gem in the very centre of it.
“Filthy, dirty women witches, your powers won’t work when I’m wearing this little beauty! I got it from a witch I killed about a week ago, who stupidly dared to come here,” Retorted the hunter, “now it’s your turn filthy scum!”
He took out a dagger, about five inches in length, and whirled it toward Madeline, its deathly sharp tip penetrating her chest.
“NOOOOO!” yelled Sarah.
She took the vile of potion and threw it with perfect precision. Landing at his feet, it exploded, blasting his leg into shreds. The hunter lay on the ground, twitching in agony as blood swept across the barn floor.
“Sarah, the healing potion, hurry!” Rose shrieked.
Sarah took the vile and quickly removed the cork, her hands fumbling nervously.
“I need to pull the dagger out Madeline, it’s going to hurt, I’m so sorry,” said Rose.
Rose took a firm grip on the handle and, mustering all of her courage, wrenched it out of Madeline’s chest. A loud horrid scream ripped through the air with enough velocity to pierce a soul. Blood was spilling out of the large gash in Madeline’s chest, staining the dark blue tunic she wore.
“Give me the potion, hurry” said Rose, flapping her hands at Sarah in panic.
Sarah rushed forward with the potion. Rose snatched the bottle up immediately and poured the contents on Madeline’s seemingly lifeless body, immersing the wound in liquid. Madeline’s chest started to bubble peculiarly and then released a pungent blue gas that vanished in the air above them. Slowly Madeline’s chest started to close and mend itself shut.
“Come on, come on,” yelled Rose, hot tears running down her face. Madeline started to stir.
She slowly opened a bleary eye and then gradually sat up.
“what just happened?" she vaguely murmured, "is everyone alright?”
“We should be asking you that, you almost died” said Sarah, relief rippling through her veins.
“I did?” Madeline said, “well what became of the hunter?”
“Over there” pointed Sarah, nodding at the bloody, lifeless corpse on the ground.
“How did he even find us?” Madeline asked.
“My guess is that when Sarah did the spell, he saw the bright light surrounding us, then from there he followed us until we were most vulnerable,” Rose said knowingly.
“Well now he’s taken care of, we won’t have to worry” said Sarah.
Sarah’s words couldn’t be more wrong in that moment; Madeline let out another gasp, her head looking straight up, to the roof of the barn.
“Another premonition! Please let it be good,” whined Sarah tiredly.
A minute passed and Madeline came to normal and told her sisters what a horrible premonition she had.
“Its horrible,” Madeline breathed, her eyes growing large with fear, “There are at least a dozen witches, all trapped in the house we saw. I think in a dungeon of some sort. Should we help them?”
“Yes,” answered Rose, “we must” >> I think sarah was a bit too tired at this point to want more adventure... so i changed it to rose.
“How would we go about it?” asked Sarah, “and what if there are more hunters there?”
“We’ll have to make it up as we go, we can’t just leave them there to die,” said Madeline.
Going down the hill, the Canaby sisters felt as though they were marching to war. Reaching the dusty ground at the bottom of the hill, they wondered which of the three old houses could possibly hold the witches imprisoned. They chose the one that had a cellar door on the side because Madeline’s premonition showed the witches in a dungeon type area, under lock and key.
Once at the cellar door the Canaby sisters saw that a big iron padlock held it shut fast.
“No matter,” said Sarah bravely, “I know a spell from the top of my head to get this unlocked.”
Concentrating once again, she started the spell
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin
The lock rattled and turned bright red and making a clanking sound, the lock settled back to normal. Only this time, it was opened.
Sarah opened the cellar door to find a stairway made of light brown dirt. It must have led down into the ground for at least twenty feet. The Canaby sisters, without knowing what they would face at the bottom, started to descend into the darkness.
“It’s very dark,” whispered Madeline.
“Really?" asked Rose sarcastically, "I had no idea."
“Did both of you suddenly forget that we're witches?” Sarah put in, “let’s use our auras to lighten this place up.”
One by one the Canaby sisters formed an orb of shining light around their hands. The result was good, but the vision before them was bad. A dozen witches lay behind the bars, some bleeding, some bruised, and all famished.
“Oh my goodness,” cried Sarah, “look at what that man did to them!”
Rose and Madeline, along with Sarah, were speechless. They felt incredibly helpless.
Sarah, from nowhere, started to repeat the unlocking spell one more time:
Unlock the lock
Break the boundary
What keeps us out
Now lets us in
Make this lock turn to tin.
As what happened before, all of the locks glowed red and began shaking, then they settled, making a loud thud as they hit the ground. Sarah flung open the bars, took out two vials of healing potion and uncorked them with a 'pop'. Putting a vial in each hand she sprinkled the potion over every witch in the cage-like prison. The skin of the witches bubbled, making the bruises, and cuts dissapear, the steam from two vials of that potion, in such a confined space, turned the air blue. A minute or so passed clearing the air and with it, the witches started to wake up. The first people they saw were the Canaby sisters. |
Very interesting story!
The first thing that struck me was your bad writing of the dialogue. Sorry.
The best way to learn how to do this properly is by looking in some of your favourite books and seeing how its done there. But i'll try to explain.
After the dialogue in the speech marks, you put a comma if you are going to name who said it.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia hungrily.
However, if the conversation is fast and you don't need to name the person, then it's a full stop (or exclamation mark) instead of a comma.
E.g. "I like pie."
If you pause for description in the middle of a person's dialogue, you put a comma before continuing.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia hungrily, "but sometimes it gets stuck in my teeth."
Then there is a fullstop at the end of the dialogue.
If you use a person's name straight after the speech marks, there should be a capital.
E.g. "I like pie," Xavia said.
But if you use the word instead of the name, it doesn't need a capital.
E.g. "I like pie," said Xavia.
Also, your use off commas and fullstops needs some work. Sometimes you put too many commas in one sentence instead of using a fullstop and breaking it into two sentences. I find this too difficult to explain, but i tried to correct it within your work.
Your description could be better developed, hence why I made changes and suggestions. Feel free to keep these, or completely ignore them.
I think the characters could also use some development. At the moment they are simply an aid for telling the story. If you develop their personalities, give them their own special mannerisms, way of speaking and voices they will seem more realistic and interesting.
Also you could research witch hunting in early modern europe of the salem witch trials. There is a text called the Malleus Malificarum which is a witch hunting guide written by hunters (inquisitors, as they liked to call themselves) of the fifteenth century. It was the bread and butter for the european hunters, it told them what to look for in a witch and how to identify them. They basically hated women and thought that they were all consorting with the devil, using their supernatural means to cause harm to others.
But overall i found this a very interesting story, if I didn't i wouldn't have spend so much time on it!!
Keep writing, and when I have time I'll read the rest. Don't rush. It's a great story but ive read other stories on here where people get a little to excited and rush it. Not giving it the time and care it needs can result in disaster.
Well done!! A great start!!! |
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zankoku_na_tenshi
Senior Writer
Gender:
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Joined: 30 Jul 2006
Posts: 188
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Country: U.S.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:21 am Post subject: |
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Okay, good things first:
Your protagonists remain interesting, I like their personalities and the dynamic between them.
I’m really admiring your continued willingness to talk about the Canaby sister’s journey. I must say, I’m not really all that interested in Baby Chosen One, but the witch’s journey isn’t dull or cliché at all. It’s nice to see, especially since most fantasy authors wouldn’t be able to resist that pitfall, but you seem able to.
Overall, this is still a really interesting story to follow, and I’m enjoying your plotline a lot. Your protagonists are well-written, your storyline is at least now original, and your world and magic system are both very well done. There’s enormous potential in this story, and I hope I can help you bring it out. ^_^
And now for some problems….
Grammar Stuff:
On one hand, I'm glad to see you've spaced out those paragraphs and are putting some effort into your punctuation, however, you've still got a bit of work to do. Mostly, you need to remember to put a full stop at the end of your sentences, put those pesky commas in where they belong, and know where to end a sentence. You have, however, gotten much better with quotation marks and capitalization, so give yourself a little pat on the back.
| Quote: |
Chapter Two
The Witch Hunter’s Town
The midnight air was cool and crisp as the Canaby sisters flew high above the clouds. They had been flying silently for at least an hour when Madeline broke the silence.
“Sisters,” she said, “I think we should rest a bit. Let’s go down and find somewhere to sleep."
“Are you kidding, Madeline? Witch hunters are about this time of night, finding and torturing innocent witches.” said Sarah
“I know that! But if we keep flying like this, we may not make it, we have to take the risk.” Madeline debated.
"I agree with Madeline, Sarah. Let's go.” Rose retorted.
Madeline and Rose dove through the thick layers of clouds, descending fast, as Sarah reluctantly followed. Going through the clouds was bad judgment because it made them wet with rainwater, and as they descended, they became cold. Finally, reaching the dusty ground, the Canaby sisters looked around seeing a dusty road, an old broken-down barn on a hill, and a couple of old houses with torches around them, giving enough light to let them see where they were going.
“I think we should get ourselves dried off before we get sick,” said Madeline.
“Oh wait, I have a spell in my spell book to do that.” Sarah said.
Sarah took the shrunken trunk, brought it back to normal size with a wave of her hand, and reached through her clothing and got her spell book.
Flipping through her book, she looked for an instant drying spell that could dry them off so they could be warm again. “Ah,< | | |
