alicat159
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Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 08 May 2008
Posts: 50
Reviews: 20
Country: U.S.
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 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:33 am Post subject: |
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I think the adult idea would work very well for this story. It could make it easier to explain the story. 
Here's my line-by-line critique. I'm pretty bored so here it goes...
Common Mistakes:
1. Make a new paragraph.
| Jamie_rocks wrote: |
There's some mild language, it will probably get way worse later on.
I Dare You
“Aaarrrggghhhh! Get out of my room!” Donya Allen screamed at her younger brother, Gregory. 1 She grabbed him by the back of his shirt, pushed him out of the room, and slammed the door in his face before turning back to her friends. Maybe you should chop this up. It seems a little rushed. They didn’t even look up; they had seen this many times before. Donya clenched her hands, took a deep breath, and walked back to where they were sitting. They were supposed to be studying for the math exams the next day, but had long since abandoned the books and were just gossiping, bored. “I wish there was some way to get him out of our hair.” Donya growled. 1 Suddenly, AJ Collin’s face lit up. “I have an idea,” she grinned evilly. 1 or combine the sentences The other five girls huddled closer as AJ told them her plan. Donya laughed. Either delete this last part or combine the two sentences.
* * *
The next day, the six friends got back together. When they were sure Gregory was listening, AJ started talking. “OK girls, you know the plan?” Sarah Brant nodded grimly. 1 “Remember,” Kelly Daniel’s voice was solemn. “This is something we have to do.” 1 Jaymee Anderson, smiling broadly, looked around the group. “Shouldn’t we invite Greg? After all, he’s kin.” 1 Donya shook her head. “Of course not. He’s too much of a wimp. He would chicken out and everything would be ruined.” 1 Suddenly Gregory appeared from behind a nearby bush. His round face was red with a mix of anger and embarrassment. “I would not chicken out!” His voice shook with anger. You've already said he's angry and that last sentence doesn't have to be there to help us picture his reation.
Elizabeth shook her head. “We couldn’t possibly let you do this. It’ll be dangerous.”
“Yeah,” Kelly added. “You’re too young.” Donya knew Kelly had hit a sore spot; if there was one thing her little brother hated, it was being told he was too young to do something. 1 “I wanna go.”
“Well, if you’re sure this is what you want, here’s what you have to do.” 1 and put a "character said" at the end. She who's she? beckoned Greg closer, and in hurried whispers the girls explained what he had to do. Greg’s eyes grew wide as he listened. When they finished, Greg looked scared, but he nodded seriously. 1 “When are we doing this?” He asked. 1 Donya stifled a grin. “The day after tomorrow. Now remember, you can’t see us until then.” 1 Greg nodded, thrilled he was finally allowed to go somewhere with the big kids, this can be the end of the sentence which can end with an exclamation point if you wish him to be excited. and replace the and with a "he" started to run off to the house, but Donya, worried he would try to chicken out, called him back. 1 “If you get scared and wanna quit, remember this: I dare you to come with us.” 1 Gregory nodded again, and Donya knew she had him; Gregory never refused a dare. He ran into the house.
After Greg was out of sight, Jaymee glared angrily at Donya. “Now why’d you say that? We were supposed to sound like we didn’t want him to go. You dared him. Don’t you think he’ll put two and two together?” 1 Donya shook her head. “He wouldn’t figure that out if we told him; he’s so psyched to go with us.”
Jaymee nodded reluctantly. “I guess you’re right.” 1 AJ looked around and laughed. “That went better than I thought it would. Hey, we only got a few hours. We should get started. You got the stuff, Liz?” 1 Elizabeth gestured to a plastic garbage bag peeking out from behind a tree. “It’s all in there.” Who's speaking here? AJ nodded.
The six girls turned up the road and began walking towards Fifth Street, but an angry voice made them stop and turn around. Mrs. Collins was on her front porch, looking at the girls. “Alyssa Jordan Collins, get down here now!” maybe you should go into more detail about Mrs. Collins' appearance, personality, etc. Then have her make an angry face and yell at AJ. AJ turned pale. “Shit,” she muttered. The "she muttered" part isn't needed. You can just combine the quotes. “I was supposed to go home ten minutes ago.” 1 Looking rather scared, she turned and ran back down to her house. They could hear Mrs. Collins yelling at AJ, but they didn’t stop to listen.
“OK,” Sarah rubbed her hands together. “AJ was the mastermind of this whole thing. Should we go ahead and do it or wait for tomorrow?”
“We may as well wait for tomorrow, I have to be home soon anyways,” Elizabeth muttered. 1 “OK then, tomorrow, meet back here, noon?” Jaymee asked. 1 The girls agreed and set off towards their houses. In the gathering dusk, no one noticed the short, round shape sneaking past them on the other side of the bushes. No one turned around as Gregory Allen His last name isn't really needed. jogged up the pavement of Fifth Street and slipped into the abandoned house. They didn’t look back as the door creaked and swung shut behind him a soft bang.
As soon as she got home, Donya went straight up to her room, planning more horrible tricks. maybe this can be something like: "to plan hilarious tricks". If she thought they were horrible, then she wouldn't be doing them She was in deep thought for about ten minutes before her parents came stomping up the stairs and into her room. Her mother looked worried. 1 “Is Gregory in here with you?”
“No,” Donya said. “Why would I want him in my room?”
“Well, we’ve looked everywhere else, we can’t find him anywhere. Do you know where he might be?” 1 Donya thought a moment, then the little light bulb flashed in her head or for real? a pretty stupid question but we readers want to know . “Oh God, he’s up in the old ‘haunted’ house on Fifth Street.” 1 Her mother looked mortified. “He’s where?” 1 and shouldn't the mom be mortified?! Exclamation points and question marks might do the job. Donya grimaced, knowing the story had to come out now. “It’s a long story,” she muttered. “Let’s just go get him.” 1 Immediately, Donya’s parents turned and half ran out the room, the comma should be a period; it would make it flow better. Donya quickly texted all five girls to let them know what happened. They all arranged to meet up outside the house pronto. you should combine these sentences Donya turned and jogged out of the room. you don't really need this sentence.
She caught up with her parents just outside the abandoned house, and AJ, Elizabeth, Sarah, Jaymee, and Kelly showed up shortly after. Mr. Allen bustled up to the door and tried his best to open it, but the old hinges just wouldn’t budge. 1 “It’s a wonder he got in there at all. Are you sure that’s where he is?” Mrs. Allen questioned the girls as her husband turned around, defeated. 1 Before anyone could answer, a piercing shriek rose somewhere in the house, and suddenly someone could be heard pounding on the inside of the door. Other parents ran out of their houses to see what the commotion was as Mr. Allen again tried to break down the door. Someone could be heard calling the police. Another shriek sounded, and the pounding on the door was abruptly cut off.
A voice rose out from the group of people gathered. “Try a window!” 1 Mr. Allen and Mr. Daniels turned and ran the perimeter of the house, trying every window they could reach. The glass refused to budge, and a local landscaper informed them the windows had recently been replaced with Plexiglas to prevent break-ins. Finally the parents gave up and returned to the door.
The few minutes before the police showed up were torture, especially for Donya and her friends. Most of the parents were trying to break down the door, but to no avail. you can combine these sentences It remained as solid as ever. Other than that, it was eerily quiet. Donya preferred the shrieking; at least when he was screaming she knew he was alive. The silence was nerve racking. By the time the black-and-whites showed up, everyone had given up, and were just huddled in groups, trying to reassure each other in hushed voices.
Finally, with two well placed bullets and a powerful kick, the door fell forward. Police and ambulance workers, armed with flashlights and guns, hurried into the house. At first, all that was heard was the sound of the men searching the house. After three agonizing minutes, they finally returned. maybe you should explain in detail what Donya and her friends heard and were feeling during those three minutes.
Police scrambled to block the onlookers from getting in the way of the medical workers, but Donya and her friends still managed to catch a look at Gregory. Donya was shocked by his appearance; his clothes were ragged and torn, though no blood was visible. He was moaning and screaming softly, writhing around, trying to break free from the people holding him. His eyes were wide with fright, and they rolled around wildly in his sockets. It took five men to hold him long enough to make it to a stretcher. Donya would never forget the look her brother gave her right before the ambulance doors closed; they had been almost feral with fear, but it disappeared when he locked eyes with Donya, replaced by accusation and unimaginable hate. Then the doors were closed, and the ambulance roared off.
Donya glanced at her friends. Their faces reflected the guilt she felt. Why did he have to go in? maybe that should be Italicized Donya thought miserably. And at night too. That place is probably crawling with homeless assholes just waiting for a kid to wander in. She walked over to her parents, her mother was sobbing and her father’s face was tight and drawn. “Dad,” Donya started to confess what she had done, but the look on his face when he turned towards her was enough to silence her. She changed tactic at top speed. maybe 1 “Will Greg be okay?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound as guilty as she felt. 1 Mr. Allen shook his head helplessly. A pang seared through Donya’s heart. Her father was a large man, and he had had always seemed so strong to her. To see him standing their, so helpless, so lost, so weak, was almost more than she could bear.
Donya heard someone calling her name, and she spun around to see her friends walking uncertainly towards her, maybe you should end this sentence here. headed by Elizabeth, with AJ trailing behind, her boyfriend Austin was murmuring softly to her. All of their eyes were filled with grief and horror, but AJ looked absolutely miserable. They walked off to a secluded area. 1 “I’m so sorry,” her voice was barely audible. “This was all my idea, I should have known better.” Her voice broke, and she said no more. 1 Jaymee looked ready to burst into tears. Sarah and Kelly had their arms around each other’s shoulders, looking grim, and AJ had her head on Austin’s shoulder, sobbing quietly. He was hugging her and trying to offer some comfort, looking confused. Donya realized he didn’t know why AJ was so miserable.
Donya knew she should be crying too, but she felt strangely numb. A little voice in her head told her it wasn’t possible. That wasn’t he brother being shuttled off to the hospital, it was someone else. In a few minutes she would go to her room, and Greg would come in annoying as ever, finding some way to bother her. The thought comforted her, and she allowed herself to believe it. 1 Mr. Collins came over to get AJ. For once, his gaze didn’t sweep over Austin, filled with dislike. Instead, he gently grabbed AJ and walked away, half leading, half carrying her over to Mrs. Collins. Austin shot Donya an apologetic glance, then walked over to where his mother, Ms. Tate, was trying to console Mrs. Allen. 1 One by one, the other girls’ parents came over each offering an apologetic look or concerned comment before collecting their daughters and walking away, until Donya was left alone. She knew she should go to help her parents, but she couldn’t bear to see them so weak, so she stayed where she was, alone under the weak glare of a flickering streetlight.
Suddenly, Donya felt a strong hand on her shoulder, and turned to see her friend Andrew Walker. Sympathy was etched on his face. She leaned into him, finding comfort and safety in the feel of his arm gentle around her shoulder. 1 “It’s my fault, Andy,” she whispered. “It’s all my fault.” 1 He tried to soothe her, but his calm voice enraged her. 1 “It is not okay!” She cried, her voice rising hysterically. “It’s my fault, Greg’s at the hospital right now because of me. You don’t understand! It’s not alright! It’s all my fault. It’s not alright! It’s not alright! It’s not alright!” She tried to get away from him, but Andy tightened his grip, pulling her in, holding her tight, murmuring gently. Finally Donya calmed down, and he released her. 1 “Thanks,” she whispered. “I should go.” 1 She turned; Andy watched her walk away, fighting back the urge to go after her. you should let Andy speak more 
Please, I'm looking for constructive criticism before i write any more. |
There were a few things that needed a lot of adjustment, like the quotes. You have a great storyline but you switch POVs a few times and it's kind of confusing. But other than that it's very intriguing. I took your advice on my story and I do think that criticizing you as a stranger is better than criticizing you as a best friend. 
I didn't mean to be harsh with the critique and I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings. That's not what I meant to do. I just want you story to be the best it possibly can. With a little time a effort this could be a five star story. Right now, it might look like a lot to fix ( I admit I could have put less in there, but i was bored and I had nothing better to do.) I really like this story! It's very interesting and I can't wait until the second part!
Peace and Love!
Alicat159 |
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