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Adnamarine
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 Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: Birth of July |
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July awakens,
born from the middle month
in the balmy peace of summer midnight.
Heat neither slackens
nor increases, quivers like a moth
around a light, waiting for the moment she breaks
in golden green glory,
canopied in purple, heralded
by rumbling as of drums, flashes take the place of fanfare.
On a foray,
with crashes set to shake the very ground,
the earth; sheets of blue vehemently descend to veil her path.
Canny calmness,
sweet serenity - she's come and gone,
leaving her newborn babe, fresh and novel, clothed in sky-blue and green. |
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Last edited by Adnamarine on Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:48 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Azila
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. I don't know much about poetry -- and thus don't review it much -- but I saw this on the front page and started reading... and loved it immediately. The imagery is just beautiful. And I love the way you describe colors.
I didn't like this part. I understand what you're saying, but i don't like the way you worded it. Maybe "heat does not slacken"? I think that would be better. But, likt I've already said, I don't know much about poetry -- so you can ignore this if you want?
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quivers like a moth
around a light, waiting for the moment she breaks |
This is a beautiful metaphor -- especially because moths around a light is such a symbol of summer. But I do think that there should either be a comma, dash, or even a line break after "moment."
Anyway, like I said before -- I'm not very well-versed in poetry or it's guidelines/normalities. But I did enjoy this quite a lot. Whatever that mean o you. 
PM me if you have a question that you think I could answer.
Good work.
~Azila~ |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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This is really cool, I agree the imagery is great.
But I agree there's something jarring about "Heat not slackens".
But yeah. go you. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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I only read this today, even though it's from last week, and I just wanted to leave a comment and say how much I liked it!
The only thing that I picked out was when you edited you forgot to change the verb:
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Heat does not slackens
nor increases, quivers like a moth
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You could maybe add in 'but quivers like a moth'.
I loved every word, colour and image. It's a beautiful poem! |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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Your imagery is beautiful, and the theme is interesting. I love the first stanza. It flows well, and I love "born from the middle month." I think the layout could be alterted a little so it's moer pleasing to the eye...hope you don't mind me showing you, as it's easier that way;
"July awakens,
born from the middle month
in the balmy peace
of a summer midnight. (I don't think you really need "a".)
Heat does not neither slackens
nor increases,
quivers like a moth around a light,
waiting for the moment she'll break
in golden-green glory, (lovely alliteration)
canopied in purple, heralded (This is a great image.)
with by rumbling as of drums, (this is a touch too wordy)
flashes taking place of fanfare. (I think this line is too long and too conciously poetic. Maybe try something simpler.)
On a foray, with crashes
set to shake
the very ground,
the earth; sheets of blue vehemently
descend to veil
her shattered (or some ther two-syllabyl word) path.
Canny calmness, sweet
serenity - she's come and gone,
leaving her newborn babe,
fresh and novel,
clothed in sky-blue and green. (Lovely ending.) "
Hope this helps.
Jas |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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July awakens,< - nice beginning, sets the tone.
born from the middle month
in the balmy peace of a summer midnight. <-very evocative. (hands out cookie)
Heat does not slackens <- I take it you mean “slacken”?
nor increases, quivers like a moth <-i think adding But would help this flow smoothly
around a light, waiting for the moment she breaks
in golden green glory, <- just a slight query, usually you link two colours together like “blue-green sea”. But no matter how hard I try I cannot picture a golden green.
canopied in purple, heralded <-again very evocative imagery
with rumbling as of drums, flashes taking place of fanfare. <-eh whoa… I think that’s a bit longwinded.
On a foray,
with crashes set to shake the very ground,
the earth; sheets of blue vehemently descend to veil her path. <- nice imagery
Canny calmness, <- the calmness is shrewd enough to be easily deceived? I think you mean uncanny 
sweet serenity - she's come and gone, <-beautiful.
leaving her newborn babe, fresh and novel, clothed in sky-blue and green. <- perfect… absolutely perfect line.
I really enjoyed this poem, you are obviously a gifted poet. I will go and dig up more of your work |
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