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Suzanne
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 Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: Hit and Run |
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Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks:
twisted nudity fondling flesh.
Your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder,
caressing my navel.
I balance on the curb.
Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber
I fall. Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all life gushes
from my shattered skull.
You drive away and leave me breathless.
---
Big thanks to Sam, Fandilocks and Eimear, who all read this while it was in its long conception (no pun intended) and helped me out! |
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Last edited by Suzanne on Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:38 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:44 am Post subject: |
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I really like this. It's a "journey" kind of a poem, and I think that fits well considering you threw in a driving theme.
The first stanza was my favorite.
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Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks,
twisted nudity fondling flesh,
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder,
caressing my navel. |
I adore the rhythm in this stanza. The potholes and pinpricks, the foundling flesh, the careening and caressing all flow in beautifully together. Aside from the technical aspects, I thought this introduced your poem well and crescendoed into your emotional ending.
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Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber
I fall. Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull. |
The first two lines are great, using the subtle contradiction of silk, something that is flowing and soft, with concrete and rubber, stiff and hard. It's an emotional stanza that made an impact.
I didn't comment on the line after the first stanza, because I didn't have much to say about it, but I will say it helped you translate into the second stanza.
My only slight problem is the last line. I think you could do something a bit more there. I think it would be interesting if you used some poetic trick by ending your poem with the word "silence", because that's literally what a poem ends with. Something to think about. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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I feel like a terrible fraud, because I don't have many degrees warm of constructive criticism. This was great! Hehe, no, I'm not done. I really felt like you were giving the reader a lot to think about and mull over, as this poem has so many different levels.
If we took it at face value, the gritty imagery is to be championed; especially:
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Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks, |
And of course, the superb metaphor:
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and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder, |
My favourite bit, apart the ending, is the perfect middle:
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I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed. |
The ending is new! I like it. The double meaning glows with awesome. It's gentle yet effective. Well done Suzanne.
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You drive away and leave me breathless. |
Best wishes,
Eimear. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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I love the metaphor, and, as always, you express yourself beautifully. I really loved;
"careening too close to the shoulder,
caressing my navel",
and
"I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed."
and
"Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull."
The flow is good overall and you have no unneccessary lines.
My only slight problem is with;
"twisted nudity fondling flesh".
It just seems like too long a sentence...almost like it would be a bit of a mouthful if your read it aloud...and maybe it's a tad too conciously poetic...
A pleasure to read, as usual Clau.
Jas |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Zeus!
Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks,
twisted nudity fondling flesh, < I’d like a full stop after this, I know it moves on to the next line, but it feels like a sentence ender to me, personal preference, though.
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder, < “careening” is gorgeous here.
caressing my navel.
I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed. < I think this is redundant. We’re already understanding the metaphor, and you continue to silk sheets, take out the “-the edge of your bed.” It’s unnecessary. Keep the rest, of course. ^^
Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber < This is, as all poetry introspecition is, a person opinion but I dislike this a little. I’d have liked to see something like “concreted rubber” or “rubber concrete” I’m not sure why. It’s awesome as it is, though.
I fall. Your limbs make < I don’t think you need “I fall” here, it’s superfluous.
roadkill of my virginity < Smexy, love this line.
while all the life I own gushes < I’m not sure, I’d like it to be a shorter “…all my life gushes” but I think this is your style, the wordier prettiness of it.
out of my shattered skull. < Here again, I’d like “from my…” but it’s really opinion.
You drive away and leave me breathless. < I’d love to see a bit of play here – over your metaphor already. Perhaps you could have a little fun by taking out the “and” here and adding a comma, or semi-colon instead? Shock some people, make it sound as though she wants him to leave her breathless, sort of? But again, I’m odd.
So, I like this. ^^ I think you’ve done really well here, Zeus! It’s a gorgeous read and your flow is lovely in parts, the imagery is liquid, and I love it.
Really nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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this was a great poem!
the only moment you broke the flow was in the line that Jasmine Hart pointed out.
Aside from that, it was wonderful!
the imagery and metaphors were amazing!
excellent work!
-GC10 |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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Very evocative metaphors and great use of imagery:
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| roadkill of my virginity |
<--- anyone who can stick a line like that into a poem deserves a 10/10 
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Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks |
<-- absolute favourite lines, Well Done!  |
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Kylan
how superior.
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this, Suz! As usual, you've given us a brilliant metaphor to string an idea together and make us think of a common idea or theme from a different POV. This poem is violent, twisted, frank, and dirty.
However, due to the violence and the frankness of this piece, you've lost a lot of the subtlety on your audience. By the third line I know you're talking about sex. And as I said, I really enjoyed the whole traffic hit-and-run representation of the hook-up culture, but I think that this would possibly be an even better poem if you managed to give us the same message with maybe a little more ambiguity.
Then again, I often spot non-existent problems in your work, Suz, so that I can have something intelligent to say in a critique. This poem was just plain fun to read and has probably had all the creases smoothed out by the masterful Sam, Fand, and Eimear. In reference to the single line that a few people mentioned destroyed the continuity of the piece: I disagree. I thought it was a nice flair, another refreshing image, and keeps the poem consistent with the overarching metaphor.
Nice to read you again!
-Kylan |
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Thriving Fire
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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What's amazing about this is how well intertwined the two ideas are: you could take it as a poem all about getting run over, or sex, or both. It's all very seamless.
What's even better is how you not only fuse the two ideas so well, but the emotions too. There's warmth and intimacy and there's violence and shock. This is best show in that devestating last line:
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| You drive away and leave me breathless. |
It's too perfect, I'm speech.
Another favourite line is:
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Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber
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What's eery is that you can see two lovers in bed even as you hear the scream of the car accident. It's creepy, but great.
No criticism, except maybe for this:
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while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull |
It's a little too blunt for the tone of this poem, but you probably didn't have anywhere else to go with the stanza, so even it's not too bad, everything taken into account.
Class, and I hate you for it  |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Suzanne!
This was excellent stuff and I praise your originality for showing us the ultimate act in a different light. I had not seen some of the double meanings until Eimear pointed them out; they made me gasp with awe and excitement!
Maybe you could have executed this with a touch of ambiguity as Kylan says but I think this is beautiful. A compelling tale, compellingly told. And that is what all us poets are striving for!
You should really enter this for a competition! It's superb stuff. Really.
10/10 (My first! Be proud!)
Gahks |
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Meshugenah
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
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*bites*
ok!
Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks, -- I would do a dash! or a colon... that may work, better. Then I dash the next line. I show? Look below!
twisted nudity fondling flesh --
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder, OH! Idea! "careening too close to shoulder --
caressing my navel.
Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks:
twisted nudity fondling flesh,
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to shoulder,
caressing my navel.
On another note! "Navel" I'm not so sure about... I mean, I say more about this below, but navel? It doesn't fit with the rest of your language at all! I mean, you could do some crazy stuff with double entendre here! Something about caressing too close, or hugging a curb, ya know? Or maybe that overkill (roadkill!)
I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed. Not sure if I like the blatentness of "bed" here. It's like, yes, we want to get the metaphor, but this is almost hitting us over the head, ya know? But anything else is cliche to high hell, so I can see why you wouldn't want to do that.
Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber Yummy two lines!
I fall. Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull.
Idea? I fall. Your limbs make
me roadkill
while all the life I own
rushes from my head
Just because otherwise, while I love your language, it draws too much attention to itself. Simplistic here contrasts nicely with the first stanza, I think. But, do you see what I mean? Too much of the more complex words! Plus, with the short length of the poem, every word counts and the contrast works well to show your subject -- thinking to the unthinking, if that makes sense.
You drive away and leave me breathless.
See? ^^ It's THAT line that makes me want the simpler language -- it's creepy, but in the right way, I think.
Overall, yummy stuff, Anna! Remind me to stink my nose in on your poetry more often! |
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:27 am Post subject: wow |
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| This was really breathtaking! Wonderful job, can't wait to see it in a book one day! -Curly |
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Tamora
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:23 am Post subject: |
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Hey!!
I love this. you've created great imagery here, and it difinitely makes me think.
The whole simile is great, the personification, metaphor, whatever you like to call it.
The two stanzas are brilliantly thought out, the first the intro, and the second the action, with the line in between. that line I love, it poises us and makes us anticipate what happens next. The use of the word balances creates that affect. And then the last line is so final and brilliant, it just makes us feel, I'm not really sure what but it's a great finish!!
Each of those phrases has it's own essence that is so captivating and oozing feel strength, it all supports each other, while still having their own individuality. you've created such a wonderful piece of prose, there's nothing that I would change at all. |
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Cade
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:54 am Post subject: |
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Suzanne, I hate you so much I'm going to...critique your poem.
My main complaint is that, as is often the case with your poetry, that it's too prosaic. There's just something that isn't quite right with the phrasing. It's almost too precise, too stark, and not in a way that benefits this poem. It needs more flow. It needs to get its shoelaces loosened a little bit.
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Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks,
twisted nudity fondling flesh,
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder,
caressing my navel. |
Here I think it's because the comparisons are made...almost too strongly? I would rephrase to take out some words. Make your sentences a little less correct and a little more, er, wavy? I'm really good with using strange modifiers today. I might rephrase to something along these lines:
A road of potholes and pinpricks--
your body--twisted nudity fondling flesh,
your fingers a truck that careens
to the shoulder, caresses my navel.
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Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull. |
This shattered my skull. I really do not care for the "make/roadkill of my virginity"...it just seems so...I can't find a good adjective. I dislike it. It's odd and not in a good way. *makes face* Actually, I don't care for the life gushing out of the shattered skull, either. It seems like you're trying too hard to say something. In fact, that whole stanza feels like you're trying too hard, particularly with the road-sex simile. I feel like it should be more subtle, whereas here it's like you're hitting the reader over the head with a mallet that says, "ROAD = BED AND THERE IS SEX."
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| You drive away and leave me breathless. |
Here I'd prefer more shortness and bluntness:
You drive away. I am breathless.
Hate,
Colly |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks everyone!
I'm considering entering this into a contest, so the more comments, the happier I am. I still have problems with the transition and flow of L3 in S1. I know a lot of people don't like the last two lines in S3, but I do, and I can't find a way to change them without changing my meaning of the poem. It would feel like I was writing a different poem entirely, and this is what I want my poem to be - rough and kind of ugly in that spot. I was getting colorful with the last line, but I decided to leave it simply as is, rather than get too out of hand.
Again, thank you so much! Your thoughts have all helped me, and I hope to receive more before I send it off to the beasties! |
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