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Until The End-Part 7
Until The End-Part 7

by Merry_Haven in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 14, 2008
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Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 1 [edited]
Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 2
Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 4

Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 3

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:54 am    Post subject: Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 3 Reply with quote

Author's Note: Oh. Migod.

I'm actually proud of this chapter! *dances*

This was inspired after watching Dr. Drew's Celebrity Addiction Special on VH1... really a direction I want to take, showing the celebrity mindset while in the realm of addiction. And Benjamin is a jerk and I love him for it. ^^

Some seemingly random details are actually relevant later on... so don't tell me I'm being superfluous. Razz I'm also debating about whether or not I want to put that quote there or right at the beginning... meh. It inspired this chapter's title, nonetheless.

3: What The Law Is

“It is emphatically the province and duty of the judicial department to say what the law is.” –Chief Justice John Marshall, 1803

Benjamin sat in the hard wooden chair, twiddling his thumbs and staring at his knees. His heart was racing, a bead of sweat tracing its way down his spine. It wasn’t because he was nervous; rather, because he hadn’t had a hit in days. The worst of the withdrawal had passed, but he still found himself frequently short of breath. His nose itched terribly, but he held back from scratching it.

“All rise,” the court bailiff called. Benjamin obeyed, everyone else in the small courtroom following suit. The judge, a short but lithe Black woman, filed in and took her seat at the bench. There was a soft rustling noise as those in the room sat back down. Benjamin turned around to see who was in the galley behind him. His sister, Karina, had managed to squeeze herself into the front row behind him and to his right. He wasn’t surprised to see a crowd of reporters and spectators crammed along with her. There were undoubtedly more outside, and he knew he’d be met with a million camera flashes and a thousand questions when he left the courthouse.

If I leave the courthouse.

He pushed the thought aside and turned back to the judge. The judge was a fan of Benjamin’s and she had seen all of his movies, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew to separate her personal life from her professional life. The man before her was no longer a celebrity to her; he was just another lowlife it was her duty to take off the streets.

But her fanatical love for the actor found its way in somehow. Accompanied by a handsome sum of money.

“Benjamin Reid, I’m not going to mince words with you,” she said. “You’ve been caught with all manner of drugs in the past. You’ve been to rehab twice, and yet you’re still here on yet another drug possession charge. The first time you got off easy; you walked away with a fine and some community service. The second time you refused treatment and spent 30 days in jail. Now it’s your third time in that chair. Normally I’d give you more jail time, but I’m feeling generous. I’m going to offer you a choice. Either participate in a drug treatment program or spend more time in prison. I’m calling a 15-minute recess for you to think it over.”

She banged her gavel, still feeling the childlike glee that accompanied every sentence. Banging a gavel was still fun, even after nearly ten years.

The media personnel in the gallery burst into an uproar, all clamoring for Benjamin’s attention. A few fans stuck out posters and photographs with Sharpies attached, screaming for his autograph. Benjamin was tempted to lunge for them, but he felt Karina’s hand fly out and grab his upper arm.

“You’re going to take the treatment program, right?” she said, pulling him close and speaking directly into his ear.

“Of course,” he replied, not really thinking.

“Don’t brush me off, Benny.”

“I’m not brushing you off!”

“Yes you are. Look at me. Look me in the eyes, Benny.”

He reluctantly turned his head and met his sister’s eyes. She glared at him over the top of her glasses.

“You will take the treatment. Read my lips. You will take the treatment or I will destroy your career from the inside out.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll take the damn treatment. Will you just let me go?”

She held him for a minute, still glaring. Just as he was about to forcefully pull away, she let go. Benjamin lunged for his fans, but was intercepted again by his lawyer, a stringy, conniving man named Dave Cuttar who was a self-professed “celebrity lawyer,” meaning he bribed judges into getting his clients off lightly. He prided himself on his “ability” to get his clients off the hook, even though his career would end in a flaming disaster when the police received an anonymous tip about his illegitimate practice.

“You had better listen to your sister, bub,” he said brusquely. “That treatment program was the lightest sentence I could get you. You’ll just spend some time in a residential place. They’ll put you on probation and make you get drug tested when you get out of the treatment centre. You’ll blow through it in six months, easy.”

“What use you are,” Benjamin said gruffly, pushing past Dave. Benjamin flashed a perky, pride-of-cosmetic-dentistry smile at the reporters and their cameras, and signed all of his fan’s memorabilia, feigning interest in them for the remaining time of the recess.

After the fifteen minutes were up, the courtroom quieted down and Benjamin sat down next to his lawyer. He rose along with Dave when ordered.

“Have you made a decision, Mr. Reid?” the judge said.

“Yes ma’am. I, Benjamin Scott Reid, elect to the drug treatment program and all activities accompanied by it.”

“Very well. I sentence you to six months in a court-approved drug treatment facility, followed by three months probation.”

The judge banged her gavel again, and whatever she said next was lost in the uproar from the media. The bailiff, who had been glaring at Benjamin during the entire proceeding, took Benjamin’s forearm and led him away.

“Hey, what are you – hey, get your filthy hands off me. Dave! Dave, where are you?”

“You wanted the treatment, you’re getting the treatment,” the bailiff said gruffly. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense. You’ll see them again later, but you’re going straight to your treatment.”

“I don’t even get to go home and collect some things?”

“You can have your pudgy girlfriend do that for you.”

“Who, Karina? She’s my sister, not my girlfriend, and dammit, get your hands off me!”

Benjamin swatted at the bailiff, who only took him in a harder grip.

“Don’t you try and hit me,” he hissed. “I’m still a police officer, and I’d be more than happy to arrest you on charges of assault.

“Camp’s over, celebrity boy. You’re in the real world now.”


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

More great writing! And for somebody who thinks these types of celebrities get way to much media attention who doing stupid things and is very interested in the drug world, you've really made my day. I'll tell you what I really thought bit further down, though.

Quote:
It wasn’t because he was nervous; rather, because he hadn’t had a hit in days.


In my personal opinion, I think this actually read better as: It wasn’t because he was nervous. Rather, because he hadn’t had a hit in days.

Ignore me if it's not what you think, but I stumbled a bit when I saw the semi-colon.

Quote:
She banged her gavel, still feeling the childlike glee that accompanied every sentence. Banging a gavel was still fun, even after nearly ten years.


I love this part! It really made me laugh.

Quote:
Benjamin flashed a perky,


This would sound better as, He flashed

Quote:
You’ll see them again later


He only called for the one person, so shouldn't the bailiff say you'll see him later?


This was really good. Benjamin feels like a real person to me, probably because of all the attention the media gives to fallen celebrities. This was funny and light-hearted, but still really good and quite serious.

Let me know when more comes up!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Saint!

Oooh, I like this chapter, too. All of your addicts are way too lovable for their own good--Benny's in for something rather unpleasant. I weep for him. XD

THE OVERHEAD VIEW

So far in this piece, you've been using third person limited, which is great. It's my personal favorite, mainly because you get well-acquainted with one character, and so it has the personality of first person without having to worry about voice, navel-gazing, etc. However, when you talked about the judge, you switched into omniscient, and I was like ZOMG ?!?!, except a bit more eloquently.

Instead, use the judge's outward appearance to show us how she feels--does she grin when she bangs the gavel? Does she do it twice, three times for effect? Does she raise it above her head to give it that satisfying smack? All of this stuff you can see from the outside, and still keep the close quarters with Benjamin.

MOB RULE

I get the impression that there were a lot of people packed into the courtroom, but I really wasn't aware of where they were. They were in the seats, maybe, or outside...? Either way, you have to imagine what sort of atmosphere they create in the courtroom. Is it stuffy with all those people breathing and sweating up the place? Does it smell like Sharpie marker? If they're outside, can you hear a dull roar from the clamor that they create?

When you have a lot of people in one place, they make for a pretty oppressive presence, even if you main character doesn't stop and talk to each one. It's the same way in real life--if you're a crowded room but don't talk to anyone, you're still in a crowded room and other people are simply talking without you.

__

Thanks for another grand chapter, Saint! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions. ^_^

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Saint. Another awesome chapter. Just a few nit-picks:

Quote:
The judge, a short but lithe Black woman


Did you really need to capitalise black? Unless black means something else which I'm unaware of...

Quote:
His sister, Karina, had managed to squeeze herself into the front row behind him


I know what you mean by this, but it sounds a bit unclear when you say she's in "the front row behind him." Try to make it a bit clearer.

Quote:
Banging a gavel was still fun, even after nearly ten years.


*blinks* Did you just switch into the judge's point of view? That clashes with the style of your narration so far. Also, it was telling instead of showing. try cutting it, and adding some more desctiption of her from Benjamin's point of view.

Quote:
“What use you are,”


That line sounds a bit awkward, for some reason. Try changing it a little, although I'm not sure what to. Laughing I'm helpful, aren't I?

That's it. Great chapter. I'll look forward to the next one. Smile

-Mat

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Saint! I'm finally getting around to critiquing this one!

Quote:
because he hadn’t had a hit in days.


I think when you're going through a detox it'd be called "a fix". I think its because it "fixes" you back to your addiction or something.

Quote:
His nose itched terribly, but he held back from scratching it.


Annoying itchey nose!!!

Quote:
If I leave the courthouse


Even in thought form that feels out of place in there somehow.

Quote:
He pushed the thought aside and turned back to the judge. The judge was a fan of Benjamin’s and she had seen all of his movies,


How does he know that she knows that? Have they met before? Was she the one that did his earlier trials?

Quote:
She banged her gavel, still feeling the childlike glee that accompanied every sentence. Banging a gavel was still fun, even after nearly ten years.


Did you suddenly switch points of view? Not good for only one sentence. And if you didn't suddenly change points of view...what the heck?!

Quote:
“Of course,” he replied, not really thinking.

“Don’t brush me off, Benny.”

“I’m not brushing you off!”

“Yes you are. Look at me. Look me in the eyes, Benny.”


Add some description on her tone of voice when she talks, until her next speech you have no idea if she's a caring compassionate sister who doesn't want her brother to go to jail or a really annoyed sister warning her brother.

Quote:
“You will take the treatment. Read my lips. You will take the treatment or I will destroy your career from the inside out.”


Muhahahaha I like her.

Quote:
“Hey, what are you – hey, get your filthy hands off me. Dave! Dave, where are you?”


Pansy.

Quote:
“Who, Karina? She’s my sister, not my girlfriend, and dammit, get your hands off me!”



You're making it very hard to like Ben! He doesn't even stick up for his sister?

Quote:
“Camp’s over, celebrity boy. You’re in the real world now.”


Haha the balif's awesome.

This one seemed shorter than the other ones, and the characters were a far side less agreeable. But I have the feeling that once they all get together (I'm pretty sure they will) everythings gonna get shaken up a bit.

Oh and now you're going to get pestered to post more of these.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, another awesome chapter! I really like the subtle changes in tone we get when the POV shifts between each chapter, it helps us get to know the character right away. And this new character is pretty brilliantly written. XD Like you said, he's such a jerk that you almost can't help but like him.

The quote was kind of random, because none of the other chapters had quotes... It sounded really cool, and it was relevant and all, but it's sort of odd to do a preface quote for just one chapter and none of the rest.

Hm... I agree that it's kind of weird to change POV just for one sentence, but I liked the joke about the gavel, and I think it really helped round out a minor character. Eh, I dunno.

So anyway, love this chapter, and sorry for this unhelpful review. It was hard to find anything to criticize! XD I'm on to the next one!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Razor,
Yet again, another wonderful installment. I really like this story, and I can’t wait to find out what happened. You have me hooked.

I think this is going to be one of those more touching stories. Have you seen Freedom Writers? That movie was amazing. It’s about these teenagers, living with a horrible life. Drugs. Gangs. Drive-bys. Anyway, it’s really sad to learn what they go through. Through out the whole movie, their English teacher helps them become better kids, with a better future.

I hope this is what this book is going to turn out like. It’s going to have one of the most touching morals that I have read on YWS. I can’t wait to finish reading it.

Anyway. Instead of focusing on the whole story, how about this chapter?

I really like it. It’s very realistic, except for the whole ‘court’ thing. It happened WAY too fast for my liking. Stretch it out a little. I don’t know much about courts, but I am sure that they don’t go by that quickly.

Your characters are very realistic, which I’m lovin’. I can’t wait to read the next installment. Which I am right now.

-Jared


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