Topic ID: 33032
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Wojovox
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 44
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:05 am Post subject: To Strive. |
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So much of me is gone.
So much has dissappeared.
What happens to me when I'm no longer here?
I can't seem to understand.
I can't seem to cope.
In this world I feel nothing,
And it's a long drive to hope.
When forever lies in front of me,
And the ground at my back,
I lie in the ruins looking for a God,
That believes in terrorist attack.
There seems to be nothing to die for,
And no reason to live.
There seems to be a blindness in the air,
Collectively gathering so we can get by living here.
I'm not trying to change the world,
Just to understand.
But when we fight for reasons not worth fighting for,
Seems there is no helping hand.
But through all depression,
Through all moments of contemplation.
Something keeps us alive.
Something pushes us,
To Strive. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
400 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
To begin with you tell far too much. That's a big mistake to start with in the first stanza, because it puts people off immediately. It's a shame because as the poem progresses, your thoughts become more complex and you do start to show the reader instead.
For example:
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So much of me is gone.
So much has disappeared. |
You might think that it's poetic to start with two short, defeated sentences, but I think it would have been better if you had used a poetic device to leave the reader something to think about. It's quite basic and leaves me feeling like the message has been forced on me, rather than slowly gathering as it begins to gain momentum.
However it does get better, I especially like this line:
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And it's a long drive to hope. |
Your structure and punctuation is also a lot better from your last poem, so it's good to see a marked improvement. This one here had a clear theme and was easy to read and critique.
One thing I would say needs work is your rhyme scheme in this. In places it's dreadfully forced, especially here:
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That believes in terrorist attack. |
It should be 'terrorist attacks' but it seems you didn't want to break the flow. But you adversely did by putting this in because it's awkward and not even grammatically correct. If I was writing it I would have considered if the line was really important to the poem, and if it was, I would have used the plural as a near-rhyme.
The poem progresses well and the ending was great. All in all though, I think there's a few things in your poetry that you need to work on, and then you will be able to say what you really want to say.
Eimear |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Reviews: 50
Country: USA/Italy- Who says I have to choose?
441 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: ........ |
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I'm a huge sucker for poetry and this poem was awesome.
*made sense
*flowed
*interesting topic, which I think basically says everything on certain lines of your poem.
*it's really intense- I enjoyed it.
Keep doing your thing because this poem rocked and sent a message. |
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Some people say, Save yourself and you save your life.
I say, Be yourself and you save your soul.
-Estrella de Madrigal
http://4fantasyreadersonly.webs.com |
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andimlovegalore
26,035
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 527
Reviews: 110
Country: England
377 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: |
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I noticed the way you lay out your poetry has calmed down a bit =] I kind of liked it the way it was before - all crazy-random like that, but it's more correct this way I'm sure.
This poem is nice, but I wasn't sure of the meaning behind it. I loved the second stanza, a long drive to hope is a wonderful image, but I didn't really see the relevence of the reference to a God that believes in terrorist attack. It's possible I didn't understand it properly though!
It starts off as a personal poem and then wanders away into philosphical, meaningul thought. I like that, I think it's often the way people think. Stuck in their own situation, sturggling to comprehend the bigger picture.
I agree that maybe your poetry would be improve a little bit by the whole show-tell thing. I always like reading your stuff though. |
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